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The WHOLE Band is Back Together   

June 20, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: ECW Invaded RAW by showing up with a basket of cookies and balloons…WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE! Unfortunately, the balloons didn’t quite make it. Shawn Michaels made his triumphal return riding on the donkey that is DX. And Mick Foley challenged Ric Flair to a match 20 years in the making. Good thing we have all sorts of time to build that before the Pay Per View…what do you mean we only have…TONIGHT?! 
(Opening Credits)

Oooh, Vince is going to start us off! I hope he has something clever and witty to say!

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I have nothing clever or witty to say. Quite frankly, I’m all out of cleverness and wit because I’m hopping mad about the return of that...damn DX last week. Doesn't

Hunter know that it’s not “cool” to go around and act like it’s 1997 any more? I’m almost positive I taught him that. And don’t get me started on Shawn “Oh, I’ve found Jesus and he was doing crotch chops and telling Satan to suck his dick” Michaels. I don’t know what that guy’s deal is.

Jesus: Yeah, I don’t know either, Vince. I’m pretty sure I called it “My Holy Meat.”

Vince: Be that as it may, quite frankly, all I’m interested in is putting DX out of its mis-

Roadkill: Chickens!

Vince: Where-Where’s Heyman? Tell him to get his Fat Amishman out of my dressing room! Skedaddle!

Roadkill: Chickens?

Vince: Get your goddamn cock out of my dressing room!

El Pollo Diablo: Ay Dios Mio!

Vince: I need some fresh air. I hope nothing else weird is happening outside my office. Thank God, I fired Goldust. Again.

Alien: ECW on Sci-Fi, brotha! It’s rocket bustas!

Vince: Aren’t you a little…short for an Alien?

Alien: Yeah. But we rented this costume and Sci-Fi wouldn’t let us use it, but we gotta get our money’s worth, brotha! Beat me if you can! Get probed if I let you!

Vince: And who are you guys supposed to be? I thought I fired The Dicks!

Justin Credible: We’re your male entertainment for this evening. So just sit back and relax, and enjoy…the…show!

Little Guido: I’m really, really sorry about this Vince! It wasn’t my idea! Please don’t make me wear a dress!

Sandman pushes both men aside and starts jiggling his manboobs seductively at Vince. Then he sprays baby oil and beer on Guido.

Credible: And that’s not just the coo-

Vince: Shut up! For the love of Farley! Is nothing sacred back here?! I knew I shouldn’t have brought ECW back!

Dusty Rhodes: Hableedoo, Vinceroni!

Vince: Du-Dusty Rhodes? What the hell do you have to do with this segment?!

Dusty: Ifleeba Smackdown! Wufflaaboo firein’ mah son awooga flabba Tazz on tha motha ship, if you wheel! DVD!

Vince: Go hawk your DVD to somebody who cares! Ok. That’s got to be the end of it. It can’t get any worse.

Tommy Dreamer: Thanks for letting me borrow your penis pump, Vince. Beulah really noticed the difference.

Vince: Uh…thanks Tommy. Did you have to…give that to me right now? Here?

Dreamer: Oh with the TV cameras and all that? Oops. Sorry.

Vince: Er…that’s fine. Just…try harder to…Not embarrass me.

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m the Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to pump you!!

Suddenly things get all hazy, and Vince McMahon is standing in the ring.

Vince: Huh? How’d-It must have all been a dream! That’s it! ECW superstars weren’t weirdly raiding the backstage with Dusty Rhodes and some kind of alien! Phew. Ok, now as I was saying, DX is in for a night of LIVING HE-

Shane McMahon: Vince! Come quick! Stephanie is about to have her baby!

Vince: Oh for Pet-I don’t care. Ok? That little Hell baby can crawl out of her womb any time it wants. I really don’t need to see any of that.

Shane: There’s free coffee in the waiting room!

Vince: Why didn’t you say so earlier? Well folks, I’m taking off. Enjoy the show.

Jonathan Coachman: Wait a second! You can’t just…leave like that! Now I’m totally going to get my ass kicked for sure!

Vince: That’s showbiz, kid. Shane? Let’s go. It’ll totally be worth it just to see Stephanie in pain.


Torrie Wilson enjoys spraying mustard all over the floor. Yeah. When you’re married to Kidman you pretty much have to make your own fun.

Torrie Wilson and Maria Caribbean Cool (nee Punk Tennyson Lund) v. Boobsie McTitsalot and Alexis Laree
In a Bra and Panties Tag Team Match

This, folks, is YOUR WWE Women’s division. Pretty goddamn awesome. Are they even having a match at the Pay Per View? Serves them right. Anyway, the story of this match is that Torrie and Maria may not be good wrestlers, but what they lack in wrestling acumen, they more than make up for in moxie. If by moxie you mean “taking off their clothes.” Torrie and Maria agree that this match is silly before it even starts, and take off their clothes. Alexis and Boobsie win! Alexis, looking to blow off some steam after she heard Raven wasn’t defecting to the new ECW to be with her, beats the crap out of Boobsie. Everybody’s a winner tonight!


Viscera v. Charlie Haas

Viscera demands that Haas apologize for nearly not hitting Lillian and dooming this feud to failure. Haas comes back and says that not only will he NOT apologize, but he’s been hitting Lillian ALL NIGHT LONG! With a pillow. I wonder if Jackie knows about that. Viscera’s heard about all that he can hear, so he starts humping Haas hoping to get some of that sweet Lillian sweat on him, I guess. But alas, this match is not long for the world, for about ten seconds in, The Spirit Squad runs out and beats up both guys. Glad you came back, Charlie! Oh, but look! Up on the Titan Tron! It’s Triple H and Shawn Michaels!

Shawn Michaels: Hunter, I’m really not sure about all this…you know? I mean…I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t approve…And who knows what Whyspyr is thinking….

Triple H: It’s like I said, don’t worry about it, man. I’ll do all the swearing and the dick jokes, and all you do is stand around and look sort of amused. It’s a winning formula, trust me.

Shawn: Yeah, I could do that, I guess. Ok, so what are we going to do with the Spirit Squad?

HHH: Tell them to get off our lawn?

Spirit Squad Kenny: Shut up! You get off our lawn, you old bastards! Screw you!

Shawn: Oh! You can’t say that on television!

Slime pours out of the ceiling onto the Spirit Squad.

HHH: What the hell. That’s your prank? I was going to have them get mauled by some gophers or something.

Shawn: What can I say? I love Classic Nickelodeon.

HHH: Let’s spay-paint this glass shield in front of the camera and get out of here.

They start spaying.


Shawn: Dammit. Sorry. Can we do another take of that?


When I think of “Wrestling’s Greatest Managers” the only name that comes to mind is Oscar. I hope there’s at least three chapters on that DVD devoted to Men on a Mission.

The S.S. is backstage with Coach.

Spirit Squad Kenny: …and that’s why I’ll never eat an egg salad sandwich again.

Jonathan Coachman: That was…graphic. Say, you guys look horrible, what happened!

Spirit Squad. Mikey: We were slimed, Coach! DX made us say something you can’t say on television!

Coach: What’s that?

Spirit Squad Nicky: Bastard!

Slime pours forth unto the Spirit Squad.

Coach: We can’t say bastard?

Coach is slimed.

Coach: Go away. What do you want?

Paul Heyman: Hi! You look terrible. Anyway, dream sequences aside, I was kind of hoping to get some ECW guys on tonight’s show. What do you say we book Balls Mahoney and John Cena tonight?

Coach: That’s…just terrible enough that it might work. Good thinking, Paul.

Heyman: That’s fine and dandy. Also I was wondering if we could get some RAW guys on ECW TV this week to…you know…make sure nobody from ECW is on there?

Coach: Sure sure. I think I’ve got slime in my nose. Excuse me.

Elsewhere, Kane is being interviewed by J.R.’s disembodied voice.

Jim Ross’ Disembodied Voice: By Gawd, Kane! I’m projecting mah voice temporally so I don’t get set on fire again!

Kane: Taker is that you?

The Voice of the Undertaker: Cheese it, man! I’m hiding over here for a few months so I don’t have to wrestle that Khali guy any more.

Kane: Dude. Lame! Own up to it! Half-assing it against stiffs is your specialty!

Voice of Taker: Who the hell is this More Kane guy anyway?

Kane: Ok, well, you remember Francis from the debate team? The one that used to play D&D with us on Thursday nights?

Voice of Taker: Yeah?

Kane: His cousin’s ex husband.

Voice of Taker: Ooooh. No kidding. Small world.

Kane: No kidding. I wonder how he keeps getting backstage?


Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon) v. Bucky McIndytitties

Bucky is, I’m sure with his floppy hair and his cruiserweight body type is a superstar among those of you who watch hours and hours of shoddy handicam feed of these guys on YouTube. Here though? He’s just another jobber for Totally Not Jamal to beat up. Not Jamal is totally rocking the Rochester Red Wings face paint tonight though. Go Twins! Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? The match? Not Jamal wins with a thumb to the eye. After the match, Armando starts to tell everyone his name, but quickly realizes that it’s not important, so he leaves.


John Cena v. Balls Mahoney (w/ Paul Heyman)

Finally! My dream crossover match! I really wish El Pollo Diablo and the Sci-Fi Alien were doing commentary on this match. It’d save me from J.R. and Lawler trying to explain to me why Balls sucks. I can see why Balls sucks just fine, thank you. The best part of the match was before it started and Balls handed his coat to Heyman who proceeded to throw it back up the entrance ramp while Balls wasn’t looking. Anyway, Cena wins with the STFU, but just when you think things are over Sabu dashes out from the crowd, and there was a TNA PPV yesterday, and Sabu didn’t have to job to Abyss so he’s ready to celebrate. Sabu proceeds to put Cena through the announce table with his classic “Oh Crap What If I Can’t Still Jump That Far” Leg drop. Cena gets up, slightly woozy, while Sabu sells it like he got his leg ripped off by an angry gopher.


Abe Orton v. Randy Orton
In a Battle of the Ortons

I hate to see family members collide like this. Poor Abe just lost his only friend, and now they’re putting him up against his own family. What is that crap, WWE? You can tell Abe is totally not into it, and unfortunately for him, Randy totally is, because he’s a dick. After a plethora of CHINLOCKS~!, Abe finally gets in a big kick, but instead of going for the pin, he just breaks down and cries. Randy uses that opening to tell him that WWE is going to shift The Goatee over to ECW in the next few weeks, and Abe just collapses with the depression of it all. Orton wins! Er…Randy wins. Sorry. After the match, Randy gets on the mic.

Randy Orton: Sorry cousin Abe, but I needed to teachify everyone a lesion! I Ranky Q. Morgan am on a Rampage! But instead of destructifing buildings and hovels, I am going over to Easy W’s Tuesday Night Snackdown, and I’m going to sow Kort Ankles with what DESTINY is all about! Keep playing my music!


This Week in Wrestling History: Edge and Lita totally almost got accidentally married last year until Kane blew up their wedding cake.

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)

Ain’t no stoppin’ handicap matches…NAH! I guess this kind of makes sense because these three all have to fight each other on Sunday, but ENOUGH WITH THE FRIGGIN’ HANDICAP MATCHES! Geez. Anyway, Nitro and Shelton take turns proving that as much in-ring charisma as both of them have, neither can cut a promo worth a damn, and Carlito just thanks God that neither of these guys is Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. Melina screams for some reason, and Nitro rolls Carlito up for the win. Shelton is ticked that he was hardly involved in the finish, so Carlito hits him with the Back Cracker. That’s what you get, I guess.


Backstage, Vince’s office has been converted into a mini-shrine to DX complete with pictures of Shawn Michaels and Triple H with their pants off and crude paintings of naked women whom Michaels has drawn clothes on all over the walls.

Jonathan Coachman: Man, I’m glad this office doesn’t move from arena to arena with us. That would be embarrassing.

Triple H: Hi, Coach. I ate your veggie tray.

Shawn Michaels: And I just stole forty bucks and some of those little hotel lotions from your luggage.

Coach: What the heck do you guys think you’re doing?

HHH: Returning to the charmingly mischievous days of DX?

Coach: You guys are in your forties! Knock it off!

Randy Orton: I like to poop in bags. Does this quantify me for Deintegration Y?

HHH: Maybe next week, kid.

Backstage Maria is standing by with Eugene….

Maria Caribbean Cool (nee Punk Tennyson Lund): Maria Creepy Crawly Neep Trunk Treeison Lumps and I’m standing by with Eugene, and Eugene, my sources say that you really really want into the new ECW!

Eugene: Oh, that would be so sweet! I could help Tommy Dreamer book the show so it wouldn’t reek of WWE interference. I mean, Zombie?! Kellieyee? That’s not what ECW was about at all!

Maria: I don’t really care about any of that. How is Hacksaw Jim Duggan doing?

Eugene: Hopefully retired.

Rob Conway: Hey, guys! Mind if I horn in on your segment? I’ve got literally nothing better to do.

Eugene hits Conway with his laptop.

Eugene: Go back to Internet Heat! You used to be cool back in OVW!

Back in the office again….

Triple H: Coach, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I really like the shape of your head. Can I rub it?

Jonathan Coachman: I really hate when people do that. So no.

Shawn Michaels: Uh-oh. You just made Hunter angry! You know what happens when Hunter gets angry?

Coach: He makes Viscera job to him?

HHH: Hahahaha! Yeah! Totally. But first….

DX throws Coach through a wall and Hunter starts spanking Coach with a DX foam finger while Shawn sprays nWo across Coach‘s ass.

Shawn: Dammit! Slipped again! Sorry. Retake?


The Highlanders are coming to RAW. Shouldn’t they be going to ECW where swords are legal?

Edge v. Ric Flair (w/ Lita)

Mick Foley is on commentary, bitching about how Flair held him down in his book. I think they should have a write off. And Flair can cheat to win by having Arn Anderson ghost write everything. That’s probably why I don’t book WWE PPVs. Anyway, Lita gets up on the ring apron and tries to show Flair her tits, but Ric is a recently married man, so he begs off, and Foley slides in and hits him with the Mandible claw. All that is enough for Edge to hit the Spear and get the win. Ric Flair’s last two matches against Edge and Totally Not Jamal have gone a grand total of about thirty five seconds. After Flair and Foley clear out, Rob Van Dam runs out and hit’s the Five Star Frogsplash on Edge. Nobody play his music because he’s losing on Sunday.

Backstage, the Spirit Squad is rounding up mid-carders. Hilariously, even Totally Not Jamal is down with the S.S. Who knew? Can we get him a green and white sarong?


Hahahaha! Yeah! Screw you Motorhead! Connecticut Yankee DX Theme! Hunter and Shawn have mics!

Shawn Michaels: Hunter, I’ve got to say, it’s too bad Vince had to miss the show tonight to go watch his daughter having your baby. Shouldn’t you have gone too?

Triple H: Look, I have a hard enough time listening to that girl at home, I don’t need to hear her when she’s really screaming, ok?

Shawn: But the birth of a child is a beautiful thing!

HHH: You know what else is a beautiful thing? It’s long and meaty, and it’s right…down there!

Shawn: Down where?

HHH: Down there!

In Orlando….

Kevin Nash: Goddammit, they’re stealing our shtick again, Scotty! Scotty?

Alex Shelley: Sorry, man. I’m all you got now.

Nash: Who the hell are you?

Back in Rochester….

HHH: But seriously folks, buy the PPV.

Shawn: Yeah! Where else are you going to get to see Totally Not Jamal squaring off against Eugene?

HHH: The Unemployment line in about a month and a half!

Shawn: Oh! Dissed!

HHH: Yeah, Suck it!

Road Dogg: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Degeneration X proudly brings to you your WWE (former) Tag Team CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD! The Road Dogg Jesse James, The Bad Ass Billy Gunn! The New Age Outlaws!

Billy Gunn: And if you’re no-

HHH: What the hell are you guys doing here? Shouldn’t you be jobbing to Konan?

Road Dogg: Well, we just thought…You know…DX back together and all….

Shawn: Yeah, only OLD DX though. Not that newfangled crap.

X-Pac: Yeah! So step off you two lame asses. Go back to being less cool than your dad!

HHH: You too, you little ring rat! Shoo!

Chyna: Yeah! This is an old old DX reunion!

Shawn: Yeah! Where’s Rick Rude?

HHH: Hell no! Chyna! Get to steppin’!

X-Pac: Come on, Joanie! Take me back!

Suddenly The Littlest Spirit Squad comes out, and are beaten up in short order. Hahaha…Short. Get it? Meh.

HHH: That was pretty lame. Was that Super Porky?

Shawn: Actually, I think it was Spirit Squad Porky.

HHH: I’ve got a great idea! Let’s get some girls to show us their boobs. That used to be fun.

Shawn: I don’t know if I should….

HHH: Come on out girls!

Shawn Michaels hides his head in shame while The Female Spirit Squad runs out. The female Spirit Squad doesn’t have a Mitch. That sucks.

Female Spirit Squad: Ready? Ok!

DX is awesome!

If this were ‘97!

We’ll be waiting,

For you to bring back Tyson!

HHH: Tomko?

Shawn: I think they mean Mike Tyson.

HHH: Ooooh. Right.

The Real Spirit Squad flanked by Trevor Murdoch (I thought he was fired!), NWA-TNA Champion (disputed) Lance Cade, Rob Conway, Totally Not Jamal, Not Important, Some Ducks, and a Space Alien. The Squad charges the ring, but the space alien convinces the midcarders to bail because he knows this club that’s really “off the charts” down town. Needless to say, without the 14-1 advantage, DX beats up the Spirit Squad. Suck on THAT, Vince McMahon! If you even bothered to watch this show past the women’s match! The midgets all pull down their pants spelling out “S-U-C-nWo-I-T” in spray paint. Spirit Squad Porky got to be the C!

Shawn: Yeah! Suc…DAMMIT! Retake?

Next Week: The ECW Invasion is finally put to rest when Miss Congeniality attacks Edge. Having finally vanquished himself, Kane rides quietly into the sunset carrying a flaming Lillian Garcia to light his way. And Shawn Michaels’ struggles to rectify his faith and his job continue when the storyline calls for DX to hump the Pope.



Paul Heyman: There, you see, Naitch? Our shows aren’t that different!

Ric Flair: WOO! Yeah! They both suck! I’m gonna take ECW’s old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

Tommy Dreamer: Elektra?

Dusty Rhodes: I habba dream today! That all wrebblie fans are created equal! And that they’re born with certain unabbladoo! That among them are libby, webby, and the pursuit of Dusty Rhodes on DVD!

Tazz: I’ve got some alienable rights, brotha!

El Pollo Diablo: Soy un Perdedor. Sigh.

Tazz: Joey, take that outfit off, man!

Roadkill: Chickens! Pffffft.

Rob Van Dam: Another mystery solved. Yeah! All right!!

Dreamer: I guess. This is hardly what I expected when we started this whole thing.

RVD: I only wish Lance were here to see this.

Dreamer: Me too, Rob. Me too.

RVD: Do you want to go make threatening phone calls to Justin Credible’s hotel room?

Dreamer: Rob, I thought you’d never ask.

As Rob and Tommy leave their mutant hide out, the observant viewer would note the presence of a certain Halle Berry amongst the mutants and wrestling fans celebrating the solving of the Da Baldies Code. But then again, the observant viewer is a complete dork.

The End….


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