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RAW SATIRE    
The Gay-i-fication of the FBI?   

August 1, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Oh, that Triple H, such a kidder! He hijacked the birth of his own daughter, Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Grisham! Actually, I’m pretty sure Test is in there somewhere too. Edge was on the show. No, no. I swear! His name was mentioned in Keller’s recap at least once! And the one and lonely Cambodian Bullfrog lost his smile and QUIT! That’s right, there’s only room for one lame humor columnist in this town. Will I quit…TONIGHT?! 
 
(Opening Credits)

Heeeeere’s Shane McMahon who is followed in short order by Vince McMahon, and they’re smiling from ear to ear. Aw…Shane gets to pretend he’s never seen a baby before! I’m sure little Declan and Baby Kennedy (Kennedy) really appreciate that.
   

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I’m sure many of you know that we welcomed a new member into the McMahon family this week! That’s right, my baby girl had herself a little baby light phenomena, and I’m a grandparent for the first time! Yay!

Shane McMahon: Third time, Vince. THIRD! How many times do I have to keep reminding you of that? I’ve got two kids, you know!

Vince: Stephanie birthed those babies herself! I don’t see you birthing no babies!

Shane: Marissa-

Vince: HELLSPAWN!

Shane: Well at least I didn’t have any children with your mortal enemy!

Vince: That’s fair enough! Damn you, Todd Grisham!!!

Shane: What…you know what? I’m going to let that one slide. I could probably go with you feuding with Grisham for a few months.

Charlie Haas’ music plays.

Vince: That was…odd.

Shane: What the heck? Did we come out too early? Is this Internet Heat? Geez, dad, I told you to check the time before we came up here!

Muhammed Hassan’s music plays. YES! Laylealeaoooooooooh!

Vince: We came out two years too early! This is all your wife and her hellspawns’ fault, Shane!

Shane: Huh? How is it their fault?

Virgil’s music plays.

Vince: Umm…obviously there’s been some kind of technical glitch.

Virgil: Aw…really? Damn. You guys thinkin’ about bringin’ back the nWo, man?

Vince: No.

Virgil: Crap.

Shawn Michaels: Boy, guys. This segment has really turned into kind of a mess. Should we come out here and show all the great photoshops we made of you guys? We’ve got Vince with a bib on that says “I love the cock” and one of Linda where she’s a cat….

Triple H: Uh…maybe we should just skip that and show a bunch of pictures of us pointing at our crotches. I don’t know how believable it is for us to be pretending to use Photoshop. I mean, Jericho sure, he’s a huge nerd. But us? I don’t know, man.

HBK: Then how did we do the Eminem video for Vince the other day?

HHH: Uh…Power of prayer?

HBK: We did bring a baby picture of Aurora though! Check it out! She exists more than Suri Cruise!

HHH: That’s my girl! Check out that wicked mustache!

A masked stranger swoops in from the concession stands!

The Great Togrish: It is I, the great Togrish! And only I know the true identity of Aurora’s true birth father! Bwahahahahahaha!

The Great Togrish throws a grenade onto the ground and blows up. The Great Togrish has fallen.

Shane: Somebody should have told him that that only works with smoke bombs.

HHH: Aaaaaall right. Somebody play our music!

The Theme from the Nation plays. Hunter and Shawn shrug and leave.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Who would you vote off Diva Island?

Jen: Omigosh! Did you know my name isn’t “Jem?” Why didn’t anybody tell me that? All that wasted tape! I wish somebody would have told me (BONG!)

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Shelton Benjamin v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Let’s get this over with, ok? Because I’m sure everybody will bitch. Two weeks ago, Carlito beat Shelton Benjamin to be the number one contender for the WWE Intercontinental Title with a handful of tights. Shelton took exception to that last week, and took advantage of WWE Sexretary Jonathan Coachman, convincing him to book a match which Shelton won by cheating. Both men having cheated to win the number one contendership, they both get a shot at Nitro. Got it? Carlito kicks everybody, and then Shelton jumps up and down in one of the corners.

(ads)

When we come back, everybody is doing monkey flips on WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Indy appreciation clap! Doan could totally be the ROH Pure Champion or whatever. Johnny Nitro gets a little overzealous on one flip though, and accidentally flips all the way backstage, forcing Carlito and Shelton to improvise. Sadly, neither Shelton nor Carlito know what to do, so they both decide to waste time hitting on Melina. Oh, Carlito, Trish is going to be sooooo mad! Or she would be if she ever bothered to watch this show. After an appropriate amount of rotations, Nitro crashes into some pizza backstage and runs back to the ring just in time to roll up Carlito for the win!

DIVA SEARCH 2006! What’s goin’ on, Leyla?

Leyla: Awroight! I’m totally British! Vote for me! Yeah! Who do I think should be voted off? Trish! Because then I could have her job! Awroight! Yeah!

Rob Van Dam: No, no no. It’s “Yeah! All right!!” dude. Not “All right! Yeah!”

Leyla: Aren’t you suspended?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

(BONG)

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

(ads)

Randy Orton is out and he’s got the whole Huckster family with him! I wonder what the hell this is all about?

Randy Orton: Hello, wet Sting fans! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, extrodinare! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for Stutter Stan! My match against Hollie Wood Hank Holman is going to cat and poke my car’s ears to new hypes! I’ll be a moody star! I’ll write me some books! Maybe I’ll even run for resident one day! But alak, I’ve got some buzziness to take care of prostate! For you see before you in this very thing, the entire Holman family! There’s Hank, the loggy Loofah, his son Nok, and of course the most pranciest of them all, Broke!

Nok Holman: Seriously, though, I totally want to hook up with fake Brooke after this.

Orton: Oh, don’t say stuff like that, Nok! The Voice of Takerster hates it when we don’t say “Gabe.”

Hank Holman: I think you mean, “Kayfabe,” brother! Dude. Brother.

Orton: What do you think I am? Some king of mallard drops? I’m a vertigo dipshinary of worms!

Loofah Holman: I don’t get it. Why am I holding all these stuffed animals?

Broke Holman: Because Linda Hogan got sued by her city council for having too many pets, or some crap.

Loofah: Oh. Hello, everyone.

Nok trips over his ridiculous hair. Orton wins!

Orton: AHA! DESTINY~! Now that I’ve bearded your deeply deserted son, Hank, what zoo are you goin’ to? Huh? I’ve got the 240 ounce paizans right here, Balky!

Little Guido: I weigh more than 240 onces, man.

Hank: Where’s the Nacho Man, dude? He’s my brother, dude!

Huckster trips over his mustache. Orton wins again!

Orton: DESTINY~! Sorry Broke, but I’ve got DEEPER STARCH 2006~! contortionists to bag poop tonight! Oh, and Jordy “The Meng” Lauper? Cake this!

Orton punches Lawler and then stands outside the ring taking in…whatever it is just happened right there. Backstage, Vince and Shane aren’t even bothering with this show.

Shane McMahon: Look, all I’m saying is that all my kids are named “McMahon” at least. What kind of name is “Levesque” anyway? French? Oh, I tremble in fear!

Vince McMahon: Hahaha…you’ve got a good point. Plus, your kids are boys. Another point hellspawn!

Shane: Pops-

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: Excoosa me! My name is Not Important! But what is important is that I have these hilarious exploding cigars to give you guys in celebration of your daughter’s, how you say, procreation! HaHA!

Shane: Booyah! I love this gag! I can’t wait to give one to mom! She’ll shuffle away in terror!

Vince: I think I’ve still got an XFL humidor in the basement! Thanks, whoever the hell you are.

Not Important: I’m Totally Not Jamal’s manager! But that’s not important either. I’ve got a couple of boxes of these things if you want them?

Vince: Yes! I’ve got a use for them! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Shane: Hahaha…yeah. Great.

(ads)

Lawler’s got a mic!

Jerry Lawler: Guess what? Next week we’re in Memphis, and I’m contractually obligated to have a match there once per year! What a nice coincidence then, isn’t it, that Randy Orton just started attacking me? Huh? Can you feel that? That’s the waves of foreshadowing washing over you. Oh, and there’s the break. Let it take you deeper into the ocean of deceit. Oh no! It’s got you in the undertow! Don’t fight it! Try to swim parallel! Wait…did you ever notice…undertow sounds kind of like camel toe! Puppies!

DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Speak your mind!

Erica: Oh my gosh, I’m soooooo drunk right now. I went to San Trop…San Torp…San Toupee? Is that, like, right? Oh, man, so I met this totally hot guy there and he was all…yeah, I’ll get to the Diva Search thing in a second. So he says to me (BONG).

Trish Stratus and Boobsie McTitsalot v. Victoria and Alexis Laree
With Special Guest Referee Torrie Wilson

Torrie Wilson will be in FHM this month by the way, showing up WWE by having a better shoot than the WWE Magazine one, no doubt. None of that matters as much as Morgan Webb being in there though, really. Why did the heels agree to another one of these matches? Oh yeah, because they’re both stupid. So stupid is Alexis that she ends up backdropping herself into the Stratusfaction and letting Trish pick up the win. Good for her, she’s JUST LIKE Raven! After the match, the commentators spend some time noting how much Boobsie has improved since Not Jamal ate her wand.

Backstage Mick Foley spends an uncomfortable minute with Nitro and Melina.

Mick Foley: -so I said “I don’t care if I’m too big to sit on Santa’s lap! I still want to read him my list!” And this little elf bitch wouldn’t let me through, so I hit her with a barbed wire candy cane right in the eye! BANG BANG!

Johnny Nitro: Yeah. That sounds like a fun June, Mick.

Melina: Mick, you seem like a really nice guy, but…you creep me the hell out. I know I’m not exactly the pinnacle of eye makeup technology or anything, but seriously, STOP STALKING ME! You ignored all my AIM warnings, you ignored me when I deleted you off my MySpace friends, you even ignored the restraining order, but seriously, I don’t like you in that way! Stop. Cease. Desist!

Foley: What a firecracker! Johnny can I borrow her for a few minutes?

Nitro: Sure, dude, just bring her back in working condition if you know what I mean.

Melina: Johnny!

Nitro: Baby, this one’s for Batista.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Say something Melin…Oh, sorry Milena! There’s a difference!

Milena: Have you noticed that Erica looks kind of like a whorier Tara Reid, too? Seriously. Vote her off before she shows us her weird nipples or starts randomly humping Miz. Ew. That’s…all I got. (BONG)

Melina and Mick Foley are in the ring. But wasn’t Melina ju…oh wait. MELina. Right.

Melina: Hehe…here’s Mick Foley.

Mick Foley: That’s great. Stay out here for a second, sugar tits. Ric Flair? I’m tired of all this bickering. Look, I’m totally half assing this, and I’m running away with the feud. All I have to do is mention that you were a self righteous prick in WCW, or that I love Winnie the Pooh or write books or like to fall off things, and I’ve got the crowd eating out of my hand. Then all I have to do is lay out why I think I’m right, and boom, instant credibility. You, on the other hand, come out here and scream about who the hell knows what, dropkick your pants into the crowd and start hitting on old biker ladies. So dude, until you learn to tell a story on the mic, this feud is over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go stare longingly at Katie Couric’s old chair and DDT Al Roker! BANG BANG!

Here comes Triple Naitch!

Ric Flair: MICK! WOO! By God, FOLEY! I am the NATURE BOY! WOO! I’ve got some words for you! Bruiser Brody! Stan Hansen! Terry Funk! Harley Race! Barry Horrowitz! Bottle of Milk! Coupons for Sprite! Granola! WOO! COOKIE BY GOD CRISPS!

Foley: Ok, you’re just reading your grocery list at me, Ric.

Flair: Foley! You said I couldn’t cut a promo?! I COULDN’T (Flair dropkicks his pants into the crowd) CUT A PROMO?! Kid, I can cut a promo on you that will make your head spin around so fast that your mouth’ll start leakin’ out of your ears WOO! It’s time to take you to promo school! Take me to school? I’m already there! Take me to school?! I’m already there! Foley! FOLEY! I’m drunk! I’ve had a few glasses of wine and a few more bottles too! So Foley, I want you in a match! WOO! I want you in a match, Mick Foley! Thumb tacks, tables, chairs, croquette mallets, barbed wire cakes, bananas, butter, unsweetenedchocolatechipsmilkdudsravioli grapejuiceprunejuicejuicyjuicebratbunscakebatter evaporatedmilkstrawberriesapoundofgrapes abottleofyoohoosalmonsteaksaucechilibeans THEWHOLEDEAL! WOOO!

Foley: What was that, an Iron Chef challenge? Because Chris Mas-

Flair: I WANT TO DINE ON YOUR BLOOD!

Foley: Woah. Ok. Uh…good one?

Se7en Mordecai: Yeah! You tell him, dude!

Flair: And another thing, your old lady there? I’m going to take her for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Foley: Hey! HEY! There will be no riding of Melina!

Mordecai: Are you kidding? I wouldn’t mind a shot.

Flair: What do you say, sweetie?

Melina: The goth kid, the fat guy and the creepy old man fighting over me. It’s every girl’s dream. If only I had a nerd here to protect me.

Eugene: I was waiting under the ring for the opportune moment! Away to my computer desk!

Foley: Ric, you’re such a manwhore. No wonder Reid and David ended up so messed up.

Flair: Hahaha! Yeah.

Jonathan Coachman: Hi. I just wanted to hear my music again this week. So…hey, I’m the Sexretary around here, do you guys want to have a match at Summerslam?

Foley: Uh…no. I’m not wasting all that time on a PPV which could be better served to get over some guys from Smackdown. Hahahaha…I just said that didn’t I? But seriously. No.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2006~! More! More! MORE!!!

Rebecca: I want to be just like Ashley! No! Wait! Christy Hemme! No! Wait! Halle Berry!

Kevin Dunn: You do realize we fired Christy and Halle died.

Rebecca: I know, but who cares? Even if I lose, I’m going to end up being the new Maria! Besides, I’d rather be in the X-Divs(BONG)

Matt Striker v. John Cena

Striker claims that there is no such word as “Homey.” Pfft. It’s in my Microsoft Word database. Pfft isn’t though. Before the match gets underway, a crane reveals that the “Rated-R Announce Table” is set up next to the entrance ramp. I think the crane is keeping it from blasting off this week. Surprisingly “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita come out to do commentary. Lita rocks on commentary. She should host Internet Heat. Edge claims WWE is sabotaging his title reign. What? You can’t get over with 18 seconds of screen time? Loser. By the time Lita gets her boobs adjusted up in the booth, John Cena has won. Sucks to be you, Edge.

(ads)

Here’s the Spirit Squad. Cheer us up.

The Spirit Squad:

We’re not breaking up,
So Kenny can get a push!
That’s silly talk!
Now let’s kick Rory’s tush!

YEAH! WOOOO!

Spirit Squad Johnny (w/ the Spirit Squad) v. Rory McLeod (w/ Roby McLeod)

Woah, awesome! WWE RAW Referee Jeff Fisher is taking time off from his busy training camp schedule to referee this match! He kicks things off by taking away their bullhorn and asking if anybody in the crowd has seen Eddie George. Nope, sorry. That’s a smart looking mustache though. The Spirit Squad is dispatched to look for him. I’ll say this, the day Mitch and Mikey defend the tag titles is the day they lose them. Rory tries brandishing a longsword, but Jeff Fisher will take none of that. You, sir, are no Vince Young. I think you can get flagged for brandishing a sword in the NFL though. Damn, that’s the rule XFL should’ve had! Two XFL jokes in one column? Yikes. Rory wins with a roll up. Actually now that I’ve been looking at him for a while, Jeff Fisher kind of looks like WWE Smackdown Referee Nick Patrick with an evil nWo mustache. Maybe Patrick is trying to work both shows?

DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Speak to me!

J.T.: J.T. isn’t even, like, a real name. So that girl should be voted off. Oh, wait. That’s me! How terribly embarrassing. Wow. Hahaha…vote off that bitch J.T. instead. Wait….(BONG)

(ads)

The Miz tells us that unfortunately Rebecca is going home. That’s ok. She knows she’s getting a contract. I think J.T. will win because she’s the easiest name to vote for.

HHH and Shawn Michaels are lounging around backstage.

Triple H: Man, I’m so glad to be done with the baby thing! Back to Nibblins!

Shawn Michaels: Uh…Hunter, you know you’re in this for life, right?

HHH: For life like the nWo for life? Where I can quit in a few months, and then join again next year?

HBK: Not quite. You se-

FBI Officer 1: Hello gentlemen, we’re from the FBI!

HHH: Holy crap! Who did the casting for this segment? Patterson? You are the two gayest FBI officers ever. No offense but, holy crap.

HBK: On a scale of one to Lance Bass, you two are a solid Clay Aiken.

FBI Officer 2: We need to rummage through your personal items, if you don’t mind.

HHH: Be my guest. I’ll even sign a few things if you’d like. Wink Wink.

FBI Officer 1: What’s this? “Enzyme Elevator 2000 Turbo….”

HHH: Oh come on. That can’t be illegal, can it?

HBK: Actually, yeah it is. But screw you anyway, Smackdown! You guys got PUNK’D! HAHAHAHA!

HHH: Man, we really showed those idiots. “Oh no! Our enzymes!” Hahahahaha.

FBI Officer 1: Sir, you’ll have to come with us. We can either do this the easy way….

FBI Officer 2: Or the hard way.

HHH: Easy! Easy!

FBI Officer 1: Shoot. I left the lube out in the car, Carl.

Elsewhere….

Shane McMahon: Calling in the FBI and ratting out Hunter worked like a charm! But what are we going to do with all these exploding cigars?

Vince McMahon: Oh! Let’s see if Dreamer will eat them!

Elsewhere, elsewhere….

Vito: See? What did I tell you? Anybody can be in the FBI!

Little Guido: Shut up, man. I’m not even on Smackdown any more. And wearing a thong under a dress? Is gross. I can totally see your balls.

Vito: And you like it!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon, Vince and Shane McMahon)

Oh, those crafty McMahons! They’ve found a way to take Triple H out of the equation! Is Not Jamal really a main eventer? Wow. Man, I can’t wait to do assign “Thumb to the Eye” as a finisher in Smackdown v. RAW 2007. The game will think I’ve gone nuts. What does that move do, like 2 points of damage? Awesome! Not Jamal is rocking some Yankees face paint because he’s pandering. Besides, nobody likes the Nets or the Devils, and the Giants and Jets might still suck this year. Especially if Pennington isn’t recovered yet. Uh…What sport is this again? Wrestling? Ok. Not Jamal dumps Shawn out to the outside. Time to regroup.

(ads)

The Mcmahonerference runs its course as Shawn prances around the outside and takes down Armando. With Armando out, Not Jamal spazzes out and starts trying to eat J.R.’s hat. Too bad Brawler forgot the Kim Chee gear tonight. Shane and Vince are unsuccessful at controlling Not Jamal while Shawn fires back. But finally, Vince has a grand idea. He blows one of the cigars up in Not Jamal’s face, which freaks him out so much that he falls back into Shawn, and his fat is so enormous that it prevents the kick out! Not Jamal wins! After the match Not Jamal and a suddenly mobile Armando clear out while Vince and Shane take it to Michaels. Chair Superkick to the face! Where’s Triple H?! Oh…right…”probed.”

Next Week: RAW fields another five or six matches to help “fill out” the Summerslam card. Haas/Viscera v. Lillian anyone? Jerry Lawler’s trick knee acts up in the WRONG MATCH! Also, Huckster returns, just to piss YOU off. Because I know you hated it.

Until then, do yourself a favor and stay cool. Yeah.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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