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Around the Horn? 

July 11, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Degeneration X threw a nice staff luncheon with free shin waxes for everyone! The Highlanders made a successful debut, nearly getting to take the heads of a Couple of Internet Heat Superstars. And Rob Van Dam proved to be even less champion-y than Rey Misterio, which is really saying something. Who will be champion-y…TONIGHT?! 
(Opening Credits)

John Cena v. Shelton Benjamin

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita are out at ringside, with their own little announce table gloriously decked out in fake chains, signifying the fact that either this announce table is “Rated R" or perhaps someone is trying to prevent the table  

from blasting off. Either way, it looks kind of dumb. Ok, really dumb. Anyway, Edge declares this match to be for the #1 contendership, because apparently, nobody is booking RAW again. Well, at least there ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from being #1 Contender…NAH! Which is great because he doesn’t seem particularly interested in the Intercontinental Title any more now that a heel has it. Or maybe he just can’t find any women who want to team up with him. Discrimination! What the hell was I talking about again?


Jerry Lawler FINALLY gets the chance to quiz Lita on her various cleavage bearing shirts, but gets distracted when Lita uses her mad Heat Commentary Skillz to out color commentate him. Sadly, Stevie Richards isn’t there to give her a shout out. You know who was a GREAT color person? Jacqueline. They should have put Stevie Ray in the booth with her, and then they NEVER would have had to cancel Heat. Discrimination! Uh…anyway, Cena goes for the Exploder, but the announcers totally blow the call, so he just locks in the STFU instead and then runs out to chase Edge away from his crappy announce table. As a counterpoint, Edge totally goes down on the WWE Spinnin’ Title. He’s got a mic.

Edge: Screw this crap! A guy can’t sit at his rocket announce table in peace? Forget it! Lita, Camera Guy, we’re going to the hotel!


Hulk Hogan is going to be on Saturday Night’s Main Event! Oh! Maybe he can take on Big John Studd! Err…Andre The Giant? No, no…Junkyard Dog?

Backstage, Eugene, Abe Orton, and Torrie Wilson are going over all the many things they have in common.

Eugene: I really hate Billy Kidman.

Torrie Wilson: Totally.

Eugene: He’s greasy, his moveset is mediocre at best, and he cuts promos like a twelve year old girl.

Torrie: Plus, he’s a lousy lay.

Eugene: Oh my God, a hot girl is talking to me! Can I see your boobs?

Torrie: Everyone else has….

Abe Orton: I say, if Billy Kidman were a fetus, I would kill him!

Vince McMahon: What’s going on over here?! Huh? Talking about Kidman? I fired that guy, and I’ll fire all of you too if you don’t break this up right now!

Eugene: Vince, I have to say now that I have your ear that the new ECW is a disgrace! It’s hardly ECW at all, really. You might as well just call it Heatocity.

Shane McMahon: Screw off, nerd.

Vince: I’ll have you know, Paul Heyman loves my new vision for ECW. Loves! Right Paul?

Paul Heyman: Oh yeah. If I had this kind of money back in the day, this is pretty much exactly how I would’ve run things. Hell, we might have actually been able to keep a TV deal. We’re all PROUD of this new ECW. Isn’t that right, Tommy?

Tommy F’n Dreamer: Just as long as I don’t have to drink Undertaker’s chaw.


Melina (w/ Johnny Nitro) v. Trish Stratus

Johnny Nitro, classically trained wrestling manager that he is, flaps his wings at ringside to draw heat. Sadly, what Johnny is forgetting is that this is a women’s match, and nothing short of a miracle, or nipples, or a miracle involving nipples is going to save this one. Trish gets fired up with some crotch based offense, but alas, with Johnny Nitro flapping away at ringside, she lost her concentration and fell victim to a Trish roll-up, which, by the transitive properties of power in the WWE women’s division means that neither of these girls is Alexis Laree so none of it really mattered. Carlito comes out to see if anybody in this match is cool, and ends up hitting stereo Thesz Presses on Melina and Nitro with Trish instead. Spirit Squad, watch out!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita are at their hotel. Do they actually have, like, hotels in Iowa, or was this all some kind of zany set piece?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Uh…Hotel reservation for Edge and Lita?

Desk Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry, sir, there’s no one registered here under such obviously fake names.

Edge: Come on, man, just play along with me here.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Any messages?

Clerk: Ah, yes, Mr. Taker. There’s a message here from a “G. Khali.” It says, “Ungagaga! Plft bunf Mcwiggidickdack.” I’m afraid I can’t make out the rest.

Voice of Taker: I’ve gotta scram. Thanks for the room.

Clerk: Our pleasure, sir.

Edge: You can book a room for a floating voice named “The Undertaker” but you can’t rent a room to a real actual guy who is carrying around a spinning title belt?!

Clerk: Well, sir. Actually…and I didn’t want to bring this up, but this hotel usually doesn’t rent out to customers and their…ladies of leisure.

Edge: Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. I’ll tell you what. Here’s a fiver. If anything opens up, we’ll be at the bar shooting spitballs at the business men.

Clerk: Very good, sir.

Lita: Hey! I found that very offensive! Almost. Kind of. Well…I should have.



Rob Conway and Matt Striker v. The Highlanders

Ok, finally. NOW they can take their heads for sure. The Highlanders start off the match by flashing back to when they were part of the American Revolution, and they got to have a go with Betsy Ross, and then they flash back to present day where they slice off Rob Conway’s sunglasses. Sadly however, WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan informs them that the start of the Diva Search is a world wide recognized Holy Day, and so there will be no beheadings allowed tonight. Well, that’s depressing. The Highlanders get the win, but Striker and Conway escape with the heads…for now!

So…if there can be only one, which one do you think it will be? Rory or Robbie?

Ric Flair is wandering around backstage. Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) jumps out of a stack of boxes to talk to him.

Ric Flair: AH!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Park Tennessee Looks Casually Cool here, and I’m jumping out of these boxes at Ric Flair, and Ric I’ve just got to ask you, what do you have to say about Mick Foley attacking you at Vengeance?

Ric Flair: Maria WOO nee Punk Tennyson By God Lund Caribbean WOO Cool! I already answered that two weeks ago! And I would have answered it last week too had that idiot R V WOO D not gotten his dumb ass busted.

Maria: Well, do you mind reiterating those statements? I mean…I did hide in these boxes and wait all day for you to come by!

Flair: I’ll do you one better! WOO! I’m going to the ring!

Maria: Great! I’m going to go back into these boxes and wait for Mr. Perfect!


True to his word, Ric Flair is in the ring.

Ric Flair: Mick Foley! WOO! MICK! WOO! FOLEY! Come out here right now and face the music! Because, I’m going to take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO!

Mick Foley: Yooohooo! Naitch! Up here on the Titan Tron. What, you think I was going to come to Iowa after being shunned last week in Philly? Hecks no! Look, this whole feud is a bunch of silly name calling isn’t it? I mean, I wrote in my best selling number one autobiography that you were a hack booker, worse than Kevin Nash, which, come on, even you know that’s true.

Flair: Hahaha…yeah.

Foley: Then you told the guy who wrote the Derek Jeter biography that I was kind of a crappy worker. Which, hell, I admit is pretty true. Your book went on to sell how many copies?

Flair: One to Little Naitch and one to Double A! WOO!

Foley: While I proceeded to write yet another autobiography, two depressing coming of age novels and one mediocre childrens book, which needed more Kane.

Flair: What’s your point, Foley?

Foley: My point is…actually I’m just stalling for time until Heyman comes out.

Here’s Paul Heyman.

Paul Heyman: Thank you, Mick Foley! Mick Foley, everyone, my arch nemesis from a couple of months ago! What a great guy. A real kidder too. Hey, Naitch, you know this ECW thing we got goin’ down?

Flair: Yeah. I heard it was nothing like the old ECW.

Heyman: Well, you know what would make it even less like the old ECW? If you and Big Show were to wrestle for the ECW Title. I mean think of it? That’s genius! I mean…It’s better than Justin Credible or Rhino anyway.

Big Show: I am the first person ever to have held the WWE, WCW, and ECW world titles. Hahahaha…Even I think that’s pretty ridiculous. Seriously, my money was always on Evan Kourageous. Where did I go wrong?

Flair: Tuesday? In my shunned home of Minnesota? You’re on!

Awesome! Cuz, when I bought those Smackdown/ECW tickets, the first match that popped into my head? Ric Flair v. Big Show!

Ok, that’s a lie. The first match that popped into my head was Stevie Richards v. Angry Amish Roadkill.

Big Show proceeds to toss Flair around the ring for a few seconds. Meanwhile….

Vince McMahon: Oh, come ON American League! What the hell is going on here? We need homers, Big Papi!

Shane McMahon: Ehem! Vince. Vince! The camera is rolling.

Vince: Good, then they got this on tape. Beam that over to the American League hitters, will you?

Shane: Shouldn’t you be watching RAW?

Vince: Why the hell would I do that? I don’t give a crap about Rob Conway!

Shane: Good point!

Eugene: You see? This is why your product is sliding so much! You’re not even paying attention to your own shows, how can you expect some one else to? You guys are all a bunch of jerkwads.

Shane: OH! You can’t say that on Television!

Eugene is slimed.

Vince: Now take this Anime DX shirt and get the hell out of my office!

Eugene: My two favorite past times!

Vince: God. Some people. Oh, come ON! Is there any way to give Jermaine Dye some steroids or something? Man….

Shane: Check it out, Vince! Sarah Silverman is playing softball next!

Vince: Now you’re talking! Better than the World Cup anyway.

Shane: Except for that mean head butt Zidane laid out.

Vince: Totally. See if you can’t sign him for ECW!


Viscera v. Charlie Haas

Charlie is really starting to look kind of haggard. He’s like a really poor man’s Chris Benoit. So he’s Gunner Scott basically. The story of this match is that Viscera and Charlie don’t care SO much about beating each other up as they do about impressing Lillian Garcia. Lillian, however, is completely unflappable, because she’s just the ring announcer and not really a character on this show. Still, Haas and Vis fight and fight and fight and fight and fight, until suddenly, Lillian erupts into flame. Satisfied that they’ve done a fine job impressing their woman, Haas and Vis give each other a slow motion high five. What of Val Venis?

Lita and Edge are at the bar.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Dude! I bet Paul Burchill is TOTALLY kicking himself! Pirates are so goddamn hot right now it’s pathetic!

Lita: Man, that guy is an idiot. Remember when you wanted to be a pirate?

Edge: I could have been rated “Yar!” Hey, barkeep, put another thing of peanuts in the Spinnin’ Title here. Gosh, I’m so glad I got this thing back. Soooo many uses. The other day? I used it as a hot plate. Like a charm.

Lita: I wish there was somebody ghetto enough to make a Spinnin’ Women’s Title.

Edge: Yeah, too bad Ashley got kicked back to Smackdown.

Desk Clerk: Here are your keys. Enjoy your stay.

Edge: Thanks, nerd. Let’s go up stairs and make with the freaky sex, baby.

Lita: No.


DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Your host, and mine, the delightfully precocious WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Mat…scratch that The Miz will be guiding us through this contest as each contestant tries to tell you why to vote for them.

The Miz: I’m on RAW and Smackdown now! Hoorah! Now, to vote for the Diva of your choice, just lick the screen whenever we show her. Like this. Ahhh…then go to www.myspace.com and add them all to your friends list.

Rebecca: Hi, I think you should vote for me because I have…brown hair?

Layla: Vote for me, because I’m British! It’ll be like Downtown Julie Brown kicking your Smackdown off right every week!

Milena: Hi, vote for me because my eye make up is better than the Milena you guys already have. You can give me to Joey Mercury when he comes back.

Maryse: ‘Allo. I don’t speak English?

Jen: Vote for me and I won’t spray you with this mace! At least not the first time you approach me and try to grab my boobs!

J.T.: You should vote for me because I don’t have a real name. You could make up names for me though. Like…Jenny Thomas. Or…Jubbly Tits.

Erica: Hey there. Remember that teacher on CNN who got fired? No, not the one who got fired for screwing her students. Or the other one. Or Matt Striker. The one that was on the US Bikini team? Well that was me. My fifteen minutes aren’t qu*BONG*

Amy: Holy crap, look at me there on the Titan Tron. When did my lips become twice the size of my body?

Miz: All right. To vote for these girls, text the word “Stickers” to 878787 or dial the word “Vote” into any popular search engine. Friday on Smackdown? Bikini Boot Camp. Beats another Funaki match!

Oh. Joy. Here’s Shane and Coach.

Shane McMahon: Nah, man. After Sharapova got knocked out I stopped watching. That girl who one? Could kill you with her man jaw.

Jonathan Coachman: Abe seemed to like it. That Nadal chick is hot though! How’d she get into the men’s brackets? Is she like…the Michelle Wie of tennis?

Shane: No, because unlike Michelle Wie, Raphael Nadal has actually won something. And Coach, there’s really something you should kno-

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: How’s it goin’ Tough Guys? USA! USA!

Coach: Man, the USA sucked it up this year at Wimbledon. When did we get so horrible?

Duggan: That’s not very patriotic, Coach! We won the men’s doubles and made it to the finals of the mixed doubles! Hoooooooo!

Shane: Like the doubles titles mean anything. Just ask Anna Kournikova!

Anna Kournikova: In Soviet Russia, doubles titles win you!

Vince McMahon comes out of nowhere and hits Duggan with a chair.

Vince McMahon: Always wanted to do that.


Randy Orton is out.

Randy Orton: It is a most prestidigitatious honor, for I Ranky Q. Morgan to induct myself to Hollie Wood Hock Herman as the Legend Kill Guy!

Randy Orton v. Val Venis

Todd Grisham chokes himself to death with the mic cable before he can even introduce Orton. Todd Grisham has fallen. Hey! There’s Val. How come you weren’t out here earlier, buddy? Val snaps Randy with the towel before the match starts, so Randy punches him. Have we already reached our faux gay quota for the night? Anway, about twelve seconds into the match, Val trips on some of Todd Grisham’s body and falls over. Orton wins! He’s got the mic again!

Orton: And, Hamster, I know you’re walking, and I’d just like to remix you that I’m going to induct myself to your doctor, Broke Herman too! As DESTINY! I mean the Legend! But wait! Forthwith! How can one be both the Legend and the Legend Kill Guy?! This doth not comptute! ARG!

Randy Orton falls over. Orton wins again! He’s on a real roll, folks.

Edge and Lita are settling into their hotel room.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Yeah. And no mango peach scones. I invented those! I’m not having anybody horning in on my work! Not tonight! You’ve got…let’s say, three minutes, to get that here.

Lita: Oooh! Authoritative. I like it.

There is a knock on the door.

Edge: Good service. Come in.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that I heard somebody say…how you say…Three minutes? HaHA! It hasn’t been three minutes yet, so I brought with me my Samoan Cement Mixer…Totally Not Jamal!

Edge: So, I say three minutes…and that guy comes…but he’s still not Jamal?

Not Important: Nope! Because it hasn’t been three minutes? See? HaHA!

Lita: That’s the dumbest gimmick in the world.

Not Important: Nope! That would be…how you say…The Boogeyman.

Edge: Well, he’s got you there.

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m The Boogeyman! And I’m coming…TO FEED YOOOOU!


Back in the hotel room, everybody is using the Spinnin’ World Title as a Nacho Cheese tray. Suddenly, John Cena comes crashing through the door, whips Edge across the room, and then plants him face first into a bowl of bean dip. After Cena leaves, the rest of the group goes back to eating and watching the Home Run Derby. Those lights were really well made to be completely broken and still working.


Vince and Shane McMahon (w/ The Spirit Squad) v. Eugene

I was beginning to think that row of guys dressed like the Spirit Squad were going to be out of luck tonight. At least they get to catch a glimpse of Mitch! Sadly, Eugene doesn’t stand much of a fight against seven guys. After all, he isn’t Hunter or Shawn. So after a bit of a fight, Shane gets him on top of the Rated R Announce Table, which is about to break free of its chains and blast off, when DX runs out onto the entrance ramp. That wily Vince McMahon has a trap, laid out for them though! You see, he’s planted an ACME Rope Net above the ramp. But alas, what poor Vince failed to realize, is that the production crew accidentally moved the “Free Birdseed” sign a few steps to the right, so the netting falls on empty air. Vince begins to cry when suddenly, out of nowhere, Eugene rolls into the ring and pins him. The match was still going on?

Tomorrow Night: I’m going to be at the ECW/Smackdown Tapings where I will bear witness to: Great Khali smacking some jobbers! Ric Flair v. Big Show in an ECW Dream Match! Sabu driving very slowly! Plus, some Smackdown guys I haven’t seen in…like…a month! See you next week!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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