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RAW SATIRE    
Hot, Filthy Promo Action   

July 18, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Saturday Night’s Main Event got off to a raucous start when Hulk Hogan feigned anger at Orton’s advance on his daughter. Come on, you KNOW Hogan is thinking that a fourth generation/Hogan Superstar is just going to be rolling in it. John Cena beat Edge when Lita accidentally nailed WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda with her boob. And DX FIIIIIIIINALLY got a win over the Spirit Squad. Who will they get a win over…TONIGHT?! 
 
Triple H: Haha! We defy the (Opening Credits).

Shawn Michaels: We’re so rebellious!

HHH: Now you’ll never know what show you’re watching!

HBK: Hell, this could be CSI!

(CSI Opening Credits)
   

HHH: Oooh, can I be the Goth chick?

HBK: You’re thinking of NCIS.

HHH: Aw crap…Can I be Greg Kinnear?

HBK: You’re thinking of Gary Sinise.

HHH: Hahahaha! I just farted!

HBK: Hey, Hunter! Pull my finger!

Hunter pulls Shawn’s outstretched finger.

HBK: Accept the Lord Jesus as your personal savior!

HHH: OH! The old “Pull my finger and I’ll proselytize at you trick!” Shawn, you’re soooo rambunctious!

HBK: Haha! Hey, I’ve got a great gag if you’re into it, let’s read our lines wrong like Orton and Miz!

HHH: Who the hell is “Miz”? Like, Mark Henry, you mean?

HBK: Yeah! Never mind. DX is going to rebel like nobody’s ever rebelled before right here in my home town of San Antonio! That’s right we’re gonna…uh…we’re….going to….

HHH: BURN ALL THE BREAD IN CATERING!!

The crowd “oohs” and then pops, because burning all the bread in catering is such a dick DX move. This of course draws the ire of one, Vince McMahon. And also one Shane McMahon!

Vince McMahon: Now hear this! DX, there will be NO burning of the catering bread tonight! Quite frankly, the thought of all that toast makes me sick. I think I’m gonna PUKE!

Shane McMahon: And another thing, I caught that little impression of me you did a few weeks ago Shawn, and that wasn’t cool!

HHH: Huh?! You’re just firing back at us about that little tidbit now?!

Shane: Yeah! I was too busy having sex with your wife to…Oh…Oh God….

Vince: Now that we’ve gotten tonight’s incestual yammering taken care of, why don’t I just announce that tonight, in that very ring, it will be Shawn Michaels taking on my son Shane!

Shane: Booyah, Pops! I’m going to take you out!

Vince: And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for yah!

Crowd: Suck it!

Vince: Nope….DIVA SEARCH!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Shelton Benjamin

Todd Grisham: The following contest is for the #1 Contendership for the WCW Women’s Title.

Aw! He’s making us miss Lillian. That’s sweet of him. Ross and Lawler, of course, try to play it straight, detailing the complex lineage of the WCW Women’s Title and why Carlito and Shelton can be the number one contenders. Ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from being a Diva…NAH! Actually, I thought one of the Nitro Girls had the WCW Women’s Title…Chae or…Sapphyre…Spice maybe? I dunno. Shelton tries to roll Carlito up, but Carlito’s hair bounces off the mat, and he winds up on top. Carlito wins! He’s going to Summerslam to face Paisley! I bet Booker is going to be pissed.

(ads)

Carlito is backstage basking in his win.

Trish Stratus: Congratulations! I’m so very proud of you!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: You’re just sucking up to me because you want the first shot at my WCW Women’s Title, don’t you!

Trish: Honestly, Carlito, I think Todd just made a mistake. You actually won the rights to fight for the Intercontinental Title.

Carlito: What the hell are you talking about? WCW didn’t have an Intercontinental Title! You conniving bitch! Fine! You’ll have your title shot, once I beat Tygress at Summerslam!

Trish: You know what? I can see what Jericho meant. I can’t wait to get out of here and hang out on VH1.

This Week In Wrestling History: Cyndi Lauper just wanted to have fun, but Captain Lou Albano was there to make sure that she was ready to take on The Headshrikers and also to introduce her to his brother Luigi. I totally remember that angle.

Alexis Laree and Victoria v. Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt)
With Special Guest Referee
Boobsie McTitsalot

Boobsie makes it clear from the start that she’s taking no guff (or boobs) from the heels tonight. When the hell did she turn face anyway? Was it when she was getting that shin wax from DX? It seems like just a few weeks ago she was making out with Victoria. Sniff. They grow up so fast! Alexis spends 90% of the match outside the ring making fun of Larry Zybysko so it’s left to Victoria to try to take out both Trish and Torrie, which she does admirably until Boobsie decides to kick her in the shin, which allows Trish to pick up the win. Best Divas match all year!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with Totally Not Jamal and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pump Taxes Look Cautiously Charitable here and I’m standing by with Totally Not Jamal and-

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that my man, The Samoan Folding Machine, Totally Not Jamal here is ready to crush the ever living crap out of John Cena!

Maria: I hope I never have to marry you. That would be too many neeps. So, Jamal, or should I call you…Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumaga-

Not Important: Let me stop you right there, cutesy buttons! This man here? Is Totally Not Jamal, not Jamal. And secondly, I have no idea who Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumaga is, but I bet he’s not Not Jamal either.

Maria: Ok! So, Totally Not Jamal, where can I get a Sarong like yours? I’m totally jealous!

Totally Not Jamal: ………..uh…..Should I say something….?

Not Important: I think it would be best if you didn’t.

Not Jamal: Ok. HAKU MACHENTE!

Maria: That’s all with Haku and his boy Fridley here, back to you, ads!

(ads)

Mick Foley is in Stamford. Say…do you think I’d be able to get away with phoning my job in from Chicago for a few days?

Mick Foley: Hi guys. Sorry I couldn’t be RIGHT THERE in where ever RAW is being taped when this promo airs! But I’m stuck right here at Titan Towers!

Office Worker: Yay!

Foley: Anyway, I just thought I’d come on TV here and talk about Ric Flair, because apparently ol’ Triple Naitch is still going on and on about how he and I are feuding. But truth be told Ric, I kind of lost my handle on what the feud was supposed to be about. I mean, WCW was a loooooong time ago, and we’re both way old now. You should be at home with your new wife, and I should be going into the Great American Bash feuding with “Dave” Batista “Davidson” over who Melina’s true love is! So until you grow a vagina, I’m out!

Backstage, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with Viscera and Charlie Haas.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Packing Tenuously Lumped Crumbling Cookies here, and I’m standing by with Viscera and Charlie Haas who last week beat the crap out of Lillian Garcia in a movie that knocked us off an entire cable network in Canada. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Viscera: Sweetie cakes, you look like you got two big ol’ hams in your dress there. Are those real hams?

Maria: As a matter of fact they are. I didn’t have any pockets when I went to the grocery store today so-

Charlie Haas: You want an explanation for why we did what we did?

Maria: Actually, no. Not really. Sorry to bother you guys!

Haas: Good. Because I’ve got nothing. Don’t put me on the spot like that ever again!

Smackdown Rebound: Did you know I was there? Well…I was.

(ads)

The Highlanders v. Jimney Jones and Scott Confusion

All right! The Highlanders are getting showcase matches now! This is like when Highlander started its 1 a.m. syndication run around here and I stayed up and watched just about every goddamn episode including the one where Joe Dawson accidentally shot Methos in the balls. Anyway, the Highlanders make quick work out of their hapless opponents and take their heads. Then, after they vigorously rub their beards for a few minutes, WWE RAW Referee Mickie Jay hands them a mic.

Rory: Uh…we like to cut off people’s heads. That’s cool with Standards and Practices, right?

Roby: Who, like…Lenny and Lodi? Yeah. I’m sure they’re fine with it. Besides, we’re on cable. Hey, I’ve got a great idea, why don’t we try to take out the Spirit Squad?

Rory: Hecks no! We’ll get hit with the Dark Quickening.

Roby: Ooooh! Heel turn! Maybe we can feud with Val Venis and Abe Orton!

(ads)

The Highlanders are backstage with DX.

Triple H: I know! What the hell does Avril see in that guy anyway? If I weren’t married, I’d totally hit that.

Roby: I don’t know, after a few dozen lifetimes it all just blends together. I can’t get into pop culture.

Rory: Liar! This is the guy who spends every waking moment watching Ryan Seacrest on E!

Shawn Michaels: Anyway, like I was saying a few minutes ago, why don’t you go to Vince’s locker room and say hello.

Rory: That’s weird isn’t it? That we’ve never met Vince? Even though we work here?

Roby: Maybe he’s shy?

HHH: I heard he was just too embarrassed to talk to you because he loves big hairy men.

Matt Striker is in the ring! I hope he throws out some teaching analogies!

Matt Striker: Hello, my name is Matt Striker, and I’m your teacher! Today’s lesson is about how Edge, “Innovator of Breakfast” and Home Ec. ace that he is, is better than John Cena! You see, Edge doesn’t have to rely on the same old boring cliches like Joh-

John Cena: Hold on a second there, homey! Did you just draw Pac Man?! I LOVE PAC MAN! Because I was born in the 80s! Get it?

Striker: That’s not Pac Man. That’s a less than sign. As in “John Cena” is less than “Edge”

Cena: More like, Edge is about to get his ass eaten by Pac Man if he doesn’t get out the way!

Striker: John, I think you’re missing the point.

Cena: What is the point then?

Striker: Uh…Look out!

Totally Not Jamal jumps out from Cena’s locker and tosses him through the chalkboard.

John Cena v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

This Just In: Squeely Girls love John Cena. Did you all ever see that video of John Cena and Not Jamal totally chopping the crap out of Spirit Squad Kenny? Well that has nothing to do with this match. The heel’s offense gets cute, but then Not Jamal goes for Air Not Jamal, and misses giving Cena the advantage. However, he gets distracted when “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita saunter out and start singing the PacMan Cereal commercial jingle. With Cena’s mind elsewhere, Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye for the win. Not Jamal is un stop a bull!

Backstage, the Highlanders have taken up residence on Vince’s couch.

Rory: Remember when we were on the Titanic, and we were drawin’ a picture of that naked girl, and then we had hot sex in a random car that was parked in there?

Roby: I’m pretty sure that was the movie Titanic.

Rory: I thought you said you didn’t know anything about pop culture! Nerd!

Vince McMahon: Who in the hell are you two?

Roby: Well, I’m Rory, and this is my clansman, Roby. And we’re the Highlanders. We’re immortal. It’s a real pleasure to meet you Mr. McMahon. Strange that we’ve been working here for, like, a month and you’ve never said hello, but nice.

Vince: Why in the hell would anybody hire two fat guys in skirts? Aren’t we already running that angle with Vito? Get thee to Internet Heat, Post-Haste! God. Somebody remind me to fire Stephanie, would you?

(ads)

Eugene v. Randy Orton

Orton, of course, is hot off his tail chasing of young Brooke. Man, them babies would have some manly chins. Too bad for Abe it’d be taboo if he went after them. Speaking of chinliness, Orton sets in the patented Nothin’ but CHINLOCKS~! offense while Eugene plots his next message board post discrediting Orton. That’s like shooting barrels inside larger barrels, inside the barrel of the gun, Eugene. Discrediting Randy Orton at this point is pretty much the single easiest job on the Internet. Pretty much all you have to say is “have you heard him talk?” Though he’s great at the little things, like pointing out the entrance ramp smells, or that Eugene hasn’t bought new boots since he was slimed. In fact, Eugene gets really self conscious about that, and he stares down at his boots and accidentally falls over. Orton wins! Somebody get the man a mic!

Randy Orton: Thanks to you! Hello and gratings everyone, I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! In case you misfit, Someday at St. Swiven’s Day Main Event I challengered Hal Coffin to a march at Summitslam for the hand of loggy digger, Broke! Hopelessly, we can extend this food to Castlevania 22, where I can wince the rest of her body! Here, enjoin these claps from the show!

Saturday Night’s Main Event airs in its entirety.

(ads)

Mick Foley is back in Stamford. Preach on brother, Mick!

Mick Foley: And another thing! Flair? You want to go on ECW TV and roll around in thumb tacks and take chair shots from Big Show. Go on ahead with your dumb ass. Jesus. Dude, you’re like…90 years old or something. I mean at this point those tacks might be all that’s holding you together. So knock it off. Maybe Hunter will let you join DX, and you can go back to pointing your crotch at people and ranting on and on about your penis for fifteen minutes. You love doing that! And I’ll go back to wearing Winnie the Pooh shirts and talking about Melina like she gives a crap! Deal? Come on, work with me here, Naitch. Ok. Are we done? Did I say everything on the list this time?

Here’s Ric Flair with the…er…counterpoint.

Ric Flair: Mick WOO! By God, Foley! I’m the NATURE BOY! And I can still style and profile all over the arena! WOO! I’m not leaving this ring until you get on a plane, fly from Stamford to San Antonio and jump off the Titan Tron! Why? Because if you don’t? I’m going to take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO! NATURE BOY!

Hey! It’s Johnny Nitro! He’s still on this show!

Johnny Nitro: Ric, dude, just let it go! There’s no gas left in this angle’s tank. Why don’t you feud with…Victoria or something?

Melina: And while I have a second to address the issue, Mick STOP CALLING ME!

Flair: Ah! Ah! Your old lady! Space Mountain! Fat boy! WOOOOOO!

Nitro: Dude, get your hands offa my girlfriend.

Melina: I think I just pulled a hair extension.

Nitro tries to beat up Flair, but Naitch kicks him off his lawn. So Nitro and Melina regroup on the ramp.

Flair: Woo! Sorry about your hair girlie, but tell Foley that I’m coming after him! WOO!

Melina: Johnny, YOU tell him. I’m filing a restraining order on everybody in this feud.

Nitro: Aw crap. He’s going to make me do the Tigger bounce again.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2006~!

Sadly, we lost Diva Search Amy. Sniff. I’m going to miss you, Diva Search Amy! I hardly knew anything about you except that your first name started with A and your last name started with Z, and if that’s not enough to get you by in this crazy world? I don’t know what is. The Divas dance around while Amy cries.

The Miz: Remember to vote for your favorite DIVA SEARCH 2006~! girl text the word “Squiggles” to one of those “Crazy Frog Ringtone” places, or log on to WWE.com and buy a Steve Austin bobble head. Just remember, standard text messaging rates apply, and you can’t vote for Tough Enough Jessie.

Tough Enough Jessie: That’s just uncalled for! WAAAAAAAAH!

Backstage, Vince and Shane are eating big hunks of cheese.

Vince McMahon: There’s nothing quite like eating a big ol’ hunk of cheese, is there Shane?

Shane McMahon: Nope, this is the life, Vince. I just go to catering and say “one big ol’ hunk of cheese, please” and they know just how I like it.

Vince: Man, I could go for a big ol’ cup of mustard right about now.

Shane: Hey, pops, why does your jacket say “Dude” on the back of it?

Vince: The better question is why yours says “Sweet!”

Shane: Dude!

Vince: Sweet!

Shane: Dude!

Vince: Sweet!

Shane: I really hated that movie.

Vince: Damn you, DX!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels (w/ Tri-

Oh! No selling the (ads)…damn you DX!!!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels (w/ Triple H) v. Shane McMahon (w/ Vince McMahon)

While Jerry Lawler goes spouting off about how we’ve never seen this match (well, it’s been more than a month, so I’ll give him half-credit for that one), I’ll note that the return to DX has granted Shawn the ability to PRANCE AGAIN! Good for you, Shawn. After Shane took that from you months ago, I was worried you’d never prance again. Shane goes for Shawn’s Five Moves of Doom, but he forgets the scoop slam, so that’s broken up. By the time Shawn tries to correct him though, he’s attacked by The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Mikey, Nicky, Mitch and Leprechauny). That’s enough for the DQ. The Squad starts laying into DX, but wait! Spirit Squad Leprechauny wasn’t aligned with the McMahons at all! What a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Shillelagh to the Spirit Squad! The ring clears and DX celebrates with their new midget ally! Who can stop them now!

Next Week: Spirit Squad Porky stops DX. Plus, Ric Flair challenges Melina for the WCW Women’s Title. Also, in the most shocking announcement in the history of our great sport, Totally Not Jamal is announced as the Number One contender for Edge’s Spinnin’ Title!

(ads)

 

Maria: Hey, folks! Maria here, and boy do we have an exciting offer for WWE fans out there, isn’t that right, Todd?

Todd Grisham: WWE Intercontinental Title. Intercontinental! How could I be so stupid?!

Maria: That’s right, Todd! Dusty Rhodes’ Promo School on DVD will teach all of you aspiring The Rocks and Ahmed Johnsons out there how to really work up a crowd! Just watch these not at all paid for testimonials!

Randy Orton: Daffney Rude’s Prom School teachered me everybody I know on how to subsequently cut a porno. Thanks a lot, Daffney!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I learned how to ENNUNCIATE! I also learned how to use my DVD PLAYER! Thank you, DUSTY!

The Miz: This. DVD. Is. Great?

The Great Khali: Unganga! Duffta wooga amal Pungalabooooooof! If you wheeeeeel!

Maria: Those guys are really “takin’ it to the mothership!” And how much would you expect to pay for something so great?

Grisham: About nine cents?

Maria: Hecks no! Right now, for a very limited price of twelve easy payments of $39.95, you can get this DVD, Kelly Kelly’s Instructional Dance Video and this limited edition Booker T. action figure with Val Venis’ head accidentally attached! You don’t get an offer like that anywhere else!

Grisham: Yeah. Except maybe at…like…Walmart or something.

???: Enough!

Maria: Don West!

Don West: Folks, I’m telling you now if you don’t act on this deal you’ll be crazy! What we’ve got here is a limited time offer DVD! And not only that, we’re throwing in ANOTHER DVD and this limited edition MINT CONDITION messed up action figure absolutely free? It’s a deal at twice the price, folks! You’re talking two DVDs! A limited time only action figure! For only twelve easy payments of $39.95?! YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Folks, that’s less than a cup of coffee a month! You can’t afford NOT to act on this offer right now! Hell, if you do it now, we’ll throw in Eric Young absolutely FREE! That’s another $13.25 of value absolutely FREE!! AMAZING is the only word to describe this deal! No! I’ve got a better one! Amazamindblowinglyawesotastic! THAT’S HOW GOOD THIS DEAL IS! CALL RIGHT NOW!!!!

Todd Grisham’s head explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen. Offer not available in Alaska, Hawaii or Connecticut, some restrictions may apply. Sorry no COD. Please allow 10-32 weeks for delivery.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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