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Are You Ready for Some Football?   

August 15, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Triple H made good on his promise to job to one “up and coming Superstar” every year, when he lost to Totally Not Jamal. Randy Orton with a lack of Hulk Hogan to bother, decided to take a personal interest in the grammar of The Great Khali. And hot on the heels of the retirement of the Samoan Bulldogzer, the entire Women’s Divison quit. Who will have pointless matches…TONIGHT?! 
(Opening Credits)

Here’s Edge and Lita. Edge is the WWE champion, don’t you know. Seriously, I feel like I have to remind you of that every week, just in case you think, like, Spirit Squad Mikey won it when you weren’t paying attention.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Hi, I’m the WWE

Champion. I’m also the Innovator of Breakfast, don’t you know? So, I’m sure you all heard the “big news” on WWE.com today?


Lita: I don’t think…anybody reads WWE.com.

Edge: Well, anyway, I punched out John Cena’s dad. More on that in a second. But remember back in January when I won the WWE Title and showed everybody Lita’s titties? Hahahaha! Awesome! Man…I wish I could go back to those days. Sigh. Here’s me bitchslapping some old man.

In West Blueberry, Massachusetts.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: So here we are, breaking into John Cena’s parent’s house. Wow, this palatial manor really looks like the ghetto as described by JBL doesn’t it?

Lita: Well, Tha Trademarc is from here. Egggh.

Camera Guy Steve: Guys, not to be a bother or anything, but…I’m not an accomplice to breaking and entering right now, am I?

Lita: Nah, just shut up and nobody will even notice you.

Edge: Look here! The breakfast nook! Boo Berry cereal! Awesome! But hardly innovative. Now Yummy Mummy, there was a cereal with some innovation! Are those bran muffins? Gross.

In John Cena’s childhood bedroom….

Edge: Hey, Lita, do you want to have sex in John Cena’s childhood bed?

Lita: No. Hey, look out this window! What do you see?

Edge: Oh! Awesome! The proverbial shark infested stream! Did WCW’s writers build this house?

Vince Russo: Why yes I did. Praise Jesus. And screw you daughtah.

In the living room….

Lita: Michael Bolton? Kenny G? I have to question where Cena got his doctorate in Thugganomics.

Edge: And check out these crayon drawings of the WWE Spinnin’ and United States titles. Isn’t that adorable?

John Cena Sr.: Hello, thank you for breaking into my house. You must be friends of John. Can I offer you some Yoohoo?

Edge: Why that would be deli…wait…no!

Edge slaps Cena’s dad. Back in the ring.

Lita: Honey, I hate to break it to you, but that segment was pretty much word for word stolen from David Flair’s feud with Ric.



Alexis Laree v. Lita (w/ Edge)
For the WWE Women’s Title

Awww…isn’t it cute? WWE is trying one last time to get the women’s division off the ground before everybody leaves. Of course, Jim Ross works up enough indignation to bitch about Lita’s cheating, but ignore Alexis’. Lita gets her feet on the ropes, but Alexis has cheated to win enough matches to know how to get out of that. By crying to the referee. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton can’t deal with a crying diva. He goes over to bitch to Edge about having to referee these stupid ladies matches, and Lita hits Alexis with the belt. Lita wins! We have a new Women’s Champion! Really? Uh…ok.


Mick Foley is standing backstage.

Mick Foley: Congrats to my other big boobed friend Lita, on her exciting Women’s Title victory. Make it count, sweetie! Unfortunately, I was booked into a logical mishap last week, because after weeks of saying that I would never wrestle Ric Flair again, I decided to challenge Ric Flair. Why I did that, I have no friggin’ clue. So whatever. Look, I’m going to go check out ECW this week. I hear Test is over there, and I want to go make fun of him. Laters.

Saggy Donuts v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Saggy Doughnuts is a house of fire to start, hitting his patented “Lemon Filled Punches” and drawing a little jelly filling out of Not Jamal, if you know what I mean. After a big kick, Not Jamal is down! Saggy Donuts over for the cover, but Not Jamal out at two. Armando, in a panic, throws some Samoan Sawdust in Saggy’s eyes, but even that won’t stop the Pale Knight. There it is! The Bear Claw! That’s his move! Not Jamal has no choice but to tap out! Saggy Donuts wins his RAW Debut! Nah, I’m just messing with you. Not Jamal hit the thumb to the eye in three seconds for the win.

Here’s an exciting view of the parking lot. A lonely gray van drives over a penny.


Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. Ric Flair

This is not for Johnny Nitro’s Intercontinental Title because Flair has somehow avoided being in a number one contender’s match for Johnny Nitro’s Intercontinental Title. Hell, I’m pretty sure I jobbed out to Lanny Poffo in one of those. I was ROBBED! Flair gets in a grand total of 500 offensive moves (chops) before Foley runs out and Melina punches Ric in the balls. Foley is about to decapitate Flair, but he realizes that the Highlanders would probably be sad, and you don’t disrespect the scruffy beard. So he just leaves instead.


The Miz is out!

Miz: Yo! Whassup! Hoorah! I’m the Miz, and can you believe it? DIVA SEARCH 2006~! is already almost over! AND they gave us a special this year again. Crazy. You know what else is crazy? I have to go back over to Smackdown! Anyway, sorry Milena, but I guess they don’t like Mortal Kombat or Melina, because you’re OUTOFTHERE!

Smack what now? Is that TNA’s show?

Victoria, Boobsie McTitsalot, and Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt) v. DIVA SEARCH 2006’s Own Layla, J.T. and Jen
In a Water Fight

J.T. is wearing a shirt that says “MILF” just in case you didn’t know she’s “Mired in Left Field.” It’s too bad the trade deadline is passed, she’d make somebody a good DH. Vince’s Angels have gotten over their debilitating face turns to team back up with Victoria who looks thrilled to be there. Hey! You missed your chance to quit with the rest of the girls, missy. Get used to this. It’s either this or a life as Stevie Richards’ valet. Anyway, the match consists entirely of the girls pouring water all over themselves, which is pointless because they’re wearing bras, while a beached whale cries in the background. Ultimately, the WWE girls win because…everybody hates the Diva Search girls? Miz gets eaten by the whale while the girls plug for votes. Sorry, ladies, even I know J.T. is going to win. Two button presses AND a solid arm in left? Yeah. She can be on my Fantasy Team any day. Her and Shelton’s Mama!

Backstage DX is walking around in circles.


DX has made it to the ring. Congrats, guys! Oh, they have a mic too. Neat.

Triple H: Hey, how’s it goin’. We haven’t taken up 20 minutes in promo time in a while, so we thought this would be a good week.

Shawn Michaels: Vince likes Foghorn Leghorn. That’s right. I said it.

HHH: Shawn, you’re really crimping our style. At this point, I think I’d rather have Chyna come back. At least she’d be a little…you know…crazy?

HBK: I can be crazy! Watch this! Uh…I’ve got two words for you!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

HHH: That doesn’t count! You made them say it!

HBK: Yeah. You know who I saw this weekend? Nailz.

HHH: Really? How’s he doing?

Shane McMahon: Guys, you’re more old married couple than rambunctious wrestling act anymore. Maybe it’s time you wrap this feud up.

Vince McMahon: No! No! I haven’t had time to call on Lucifer to help me combat them yet!

HHH: You know what? You’ll need Satan on your side to beat us, because he’s the Icon, the Showstoppah, the Main Event, Shawn Michaels! And I’m the Game, the Cerebral Assassin, the King of Kings-

HBK: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, look, I’m not sure the Lord-

Jesus: Nah. I’m cool with it. I’m not really all up on that “King of Kings” stuff any more really. That’s too stuffy! It’s the 2000s. Gotta hang loose, you know?

Rob Van Dam: You’re preaching to the choir, dude!

Jesus: My son, I forgive you for totally blowing that Van Daminator.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Vince: Oh yeah? Well I don’t! You’re screwed again! And another thing, I’ve got unlimited resources, and I’m going to pull out all the stops to destroy DX at Summerslam! Yeah!!

HHH: Hey, Shawn, if we’re booked to lose, we call in injured.

HBK: Isn’t that lying?

Jesus: LA LA LA I’m pretending I can’t hear your little white sins! LA LA LA!

HBK: Ok! I’m in! And we’ve got TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

Crowd: SUCK IT!!

In Orlando….

Kevin Nash: Yeah! Those’re my boys!

Alex Shelley: But I thought we were yo-

Nash: Shut up, shortie.

Outside, some medieval knights have a swordfight in the parking lot.


The Spirit Squad (w/ Nicky, Johnny and Mitch) v. Eugene and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

The Highlanders, having finished their duel outside, come to ringside in support of Eugene and Duggan. This match isn’t for the tag team titles because…everybody forgot the Spirit Squad are the champions? That sounds right. Hacksaw spends most of the match running the ropes and being flabby. Sadly, this is easily more entertaining than anything in the UFC. And the fighting is more believable. Anyway, Eugene tags in and Hacksaw distracts the referee while the Highlanders run around and stab each of the members of the Spirit Squad. Eugene gets the pin! What is it with all the faces cheating lately? Another tribute to Eddie?


Jeff Hardy is coming to RAW? AWESOME! BLOWN SPOTS AHOY!

Vince McMahon: Geez, Shane, will you be quiet? They’re gonna put in He Hate Me!

Shane McMahon: Vince, all I’m saying is that my kids aren’t hellsp-

Vince: THERE HE IS! I love that guy! Run He Hate Me, Run!

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: I hate to interupt, but my name is-

Shane: Not Important. We got it.

Not Important: I was just coming to offer the, how you say, services of my Samoan Bulldog, Totally Not Jamal.

Vince: Can he play left tackle? Because this Raiders line is terrible.

Not Important: No! But he can stick a thumb in your eye!

Shane: Vince, you gotta admit, that’s a good life skill!

Totally Not Jamal: AFA THE WILD SAMOAN!


Trish Stratus: Wow! A non-title match against Edge! You’re movin’ on up! It totally sucks that we can only be together for another month.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: That’s ok! We’ll always have that McDonald’s rest stop bathroom off exit 15.

Trish: Aw. Yeah. Good luck out there. I’ve got to make sure Jeff Hardy doesn’t see me next week. We kind of had a “thing once.”

Carlito: Jeff Hardy’s sloppy seconds? Aw man….

Then they leave, and the camera stares longingly at some boxes. If they’re going to keep doing that shot, they should have Kane poke his head out from behind the boxes after everybody has left the shot. Just because. The boxes need more Kane or something.


Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Trish Stratus) v. Edge (w/ Lita)

Who in the hell are Carlito and Trish feuding with anyway? I could’ve sworn it was Nitro and Melina. Anyway, Trish wastes no time starting a feud with Lita so they can go out without putting anybody else over. Good job, ladies! Carlito hits a springboard dropkick off the second rope because that’s how MEN do it. The announcers spend the entire match arguing about whether or not what Edge and Lita (and Camera Guy Steve) did was “breaking and entering). Only if the storyline dictates, boys.


The upside to this match is that I finally see what Trish does in Carlito. The second rope springboards, the lazy elbow drops, the floating hurricanranas, he’s the Latin Chris Jericho. Hell, he’s even feuding with a Tian who is making time with Lita. Wow. Cool. I’m like a detective now. Sadly, this match has to come to an end when John Cena runs to the ring to punch away at Edge. NOBODY bitch slaps a wrestler’s father. Unless that wrestler is Bullet Bob Armstrong! Local Indy Workers hit the ring to pull out Cena, and then ask for his autograph.

In the parking lot, a dove cries.


Here’s Randy Orton for your main event promo.

Randy Orton: Hank Hollister, I know you’re out there washing this like the old hag that you are! I just want you to get a cue! I saw you at the tenth actual Pokesaur conversation last week! I was there getting my Pinkashoe on when I notered you on the stache! Well, make no milkshake about it, Hank, I know your knee is not brooke! So I’m darling you! Darling you to show up at Stunnerjam ‘98 and whistle me! After all, I am the Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan! I’ve stunnered more legions than there are teens in China! So shower up, Hankster! Because at Stunnerjam DESTINY~! is a three letter word!

Here’s The Huckster for the rebuttal.

The Huckster: Let me stop you right there, brother. Because you know something, dude! I can’t believe they keep payin’ me to come back, brother! We didn’t advance the angle the last time I came out, dude! What does beating me up prove, brother? Dude?

Wait…wait…it’s REAL HOGAN! Err..Yay. Randy bails leaving Hulk to deal with the Huckster. Right hand to the Huckster! I’m sorry to be the one who has to say it, but Huckster runs the ropes more realistically than anybody in the company. In that he just sort of crashes into them. Hogan, not knowing how to take that, almost breaks his knee again going for the boot. HA! Huckster for World Champion! Hogan ends up just punching Huckster a few times and then crying for a few seconds. Still, good closure to that 10 year old angle. If only we could bring Savage back to feud with The Nacho Man!

Hulk Hogan: Now that I’ve had that serious cry, dude, I’ve got just one thing to say to you, brother.

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Hogan: No! Whachu gonna do, when this old man runs wild on you, dude?!

Orton: Promptly eat some ham!

Sunday Sunday Sundae: Hunter and Shawn claim injury and then sneak off to go see Snakes on a Plane. Kane wins the Intercontinental Title, for no particular reason. And Edge claims victory over John Cena by after a West Blueberry Scone shot right to the groin.

It’s late! I’m tired! Goodnight, Seattle!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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