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RAW SATIRE    
Complicateder than "Memento"  

August 22, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Thanks to some timely interference by John Cena’s “Word Life” rings, Edge was able to retain the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Mick Foley went for the balls with Ric Flair, but nobody knows more about balls than Triple Naitch. Plus, Degeneration X defeated The McMahons and…some Ducks, or something, I think? Anyway…who will DX defeat…TONIGHT?! 
 
Here’s your WWE Champion, “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, who is sans belt and sans Lita, either because Lita stole his belt because it matched her boobs better than the Women’s Title, or because it’s all a SHOCKING SWERVE~! to lead the ignorant viewer to believe that Edge lost both the title AND Lita last night. Mwahahahaha!
 
 

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Greetings and salutations! Contrary to popular belief by the people who did not see Summerslam, or at least those who did not check out Dave Meltzer’s “live as it happens” show report, I am still WWE champion. “How in the hell,” you must be asking yourselves, “did Edge manage to convince Mr. McMahon to let him win, against John Cena?! In front of his home town crowd no less! And how did Edge do all that while baking a piping hot sheet of West Blueberry Scones?! Edge must be the most successful man in the whole world!” Well, you’re not wrong! Not entirely, at least! But as for Lita’s whereabouts….

Oh! Oh! I bet she went to Azerbaijan! Now, all we need is Greg Lee and Rockapella…wait…isn’t The Chief dead? Nevermind. Lita’s on the Titan Tron. Damn, that was pretty easy.

Lita: Hi! I’m out here by the harbor holding the WWE Spinnin’ Title.

Edge: Why, Lita! Don’t get too close to the water! You might accidentally throw my title into the ocean! Then I wouldn’t be a very happy goose!

Lita: Don’t worry, dear! I’m just going to bend over the pier here and…oops, my boobs are weighing me down. And I dropped the title into the water.

Edge: Well, it’s not quite The Rock throwing the Intercontinental title off a bridge or anything but…you all get the idea.

Lita: I think I dropped that thing in, like, three feet of water. We’d better stop rolling the cameras before low tide….

Edge: Fair enough! Behold! I am about to unveil the NEW FACE of the WWE Title!

Tough Enough Jessie shoots Edge with a fire extinguisher while the belt drops from the ceiling. It’s the exact same belt, but now it has an “R” instead of a “WWE.”

Edge: The “R” stands for “Wrestling!”

Tough Enough Jessie: I thought the “R” stood for “Rated R Superstar” and I thought wrestling started with a “W.”

Edge: Shut up before I have you taken out back and shipped to TNA!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAH!

Edge: I really…really miss the old eagle title belt. Sigh.

Lita: Edge, honey pie, the spinner on the old title went off, and it’s motoring out to sea.

Edge: Wow. I wish I would’ve known it could do that! I would have brought it in the tub with me. More often. Aaaaaaanyway. I’m ready to face anybody who isn’t John Cena now. Who’ve we got? What’s Viscera doin’?

Hey! Don’t look now, but here’s Jeff Hardy!

Jeff Hardy:

You may have thought I died,

When I left you all those years,
But now I am back,
To confirm your hopes and fears!

Emoetry is my castle,
It houses all my pain,
I revel in its glory,
On my soul, I bear a stain!

Here on RAW to challenge Edge,
TNA was but a dream,
Will I conquer my demons,
Or am I….

2Xtreme?

Edge: No! NO! Hell no! I am NOT getting involved with this fruitcake again. Lita?!

Lita: Aw…Jeff isn’t half bad! He built a volcano! Matt is the one to worry about! Whatcha doin’ back Jeffie?

Hardy: The Wind in th’ Willows calls me to the field of valour once more! That, and because TNA kept making me job to Abyss.

(ads)

Eugene, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and the Highlanders v. The Spirit Squad (w/ Mitch)

The Spirit Squad is clearly saving Mitch for the Playoffs. Seriously though, when ol’ S.S. Mitch climbs back into the ring, you know they’re going to job out the titles. Duggan, Eugene and the Highlanders (lovingly known as “Team Scruffy Beard”) take control of the match with an early “USA” chant, which totally makes sense given that the Spirit Squad is from the U.S. and the Highlanders were born in 1492 in the Highlands of Scotland. Nevertheless, they appreciate the effort. The Spirit Squad regains control by using Mitch as an illegal foreign object (aHA! So THAT’S why they were chanting USA!), but by that time, it’s too little, too late (and also too long). The Highlanders hit a reverse Suplex on S.S. Mikey, and that’s enough for the win. Jobbed on a suplex, Mikey? FOR SHAME!

Backstage, Edge is in the McMahon office.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Vince, are you in here? I am NOT feuding with Jeff Hardy.

Jonathan Coachman: No, Vince isn’t in here yet, but I AM working out on my new Bowflex Xtreme G3 trying to work on my abs and…gloats…so that I can have a body like his.

Edge: Well, when Vince gets here, tell him that I’m not feuding with Fruity McBooty, ok?

Coach: So, what, you’re not going to make the “Well, I hope that machine’s got a button to inject you with roids” or “Way to make the product placement way obvious!” jokes, then?

Edge: What, are you friggin’ kidding me. Only lame asses go for jokes that easy.

…..

Coach: Also, I’m booking you in a match against Jeff Hardy tonight. Let’s just get it out of the way so you don’t have to worry about it any more.

Edge: Fine! But I won’t like it. Also, didn’t you just get a new one of those about three months ago?

Coach: Yeah…it makes an awesome hat rack.

Edge leaves, after a few minutes, the McMahons enter.

Vince McMahon: What the hell is this hat rack doing in my office?

Shane McMahon: It’s for our hats. Duh.

Vince: Neither of us wear hats, and after being soundly defeated last night against DX, I’m in NO mood for hats. And NO mood for hat racks either.

Coach: I’ll…break it down-

Vince: What did you just say?

Coach: Into smaller pieces.

Shane: Yo, Coach? You seen DX yet tonight?

Coach: Do the ads for the replay of Summerslam count?

Shane: No.

Coach: Nope.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with…no. No. No.

Todd runs out the door, runs down to the beach, jumps into the water, throws himself in front of a speeding title belt, and is ripped asunder by the blade. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Randy Orton: Well, that’s an investing quotation, Togger, because yes, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, lost the battle against Hut Hoffman last night at Slumberland, after he deliberated a Big Poot and a Leg Drip right unto my farcial region! But, what every nun seems to be forgathering, is that the Legend Kill Guy, whom is me, had the Hockster defeaterated with an RUOK before he got his feet in the ropes! Never again! I don’t even know what happened to my bludgeoning relatemanship with his loggy digger, Broke! Come back, Broke! And tonight, I have to flight with my old mentos, Triopoly Natch? Oh, what cruel fat!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Man, you got no game at all.

Orton: I once interred under “The Gem” Tickle H! I don’t know who thou are, Calypso Carib Cool, but I’m washing you, doughnut start an ankle with me, master! You’ll just loose! Were you even AT Summitcam?

Carlito: I watched it with Trish Stratus. In my bed.

Orton: Oh yeah? Well Trix Rabbit is no Broke Holstein, that’s for darn slur!

Carlito: Dammit, now I’m going to see the Trix Rabbit every time I have sex with Trish. That’s not cool.

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Given Shawn’s shoulder injury and my all around laziness, we thought we’d cook up a little plot that involved almost no actual work. We’re not even going to be on the show this week.

Kevin Nash: You boys can thank me for that tip later!

HHH: In case you missed it, or for some reason didn’t read Wade Keller’s live as it happened PPV report, Shawn Michaels and I defeated both McMahons, Totally Not Jamal, William Regal, Fit Finlay, The Leprechaun, Ken Kennedy, the Big Show, Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon. Some Ducks, Harley Race, Stevie Richards, Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood, and the Repoman with only a little more Kane to help us. Tonight, we just thought it would be amusing if we “ran amok” on Vince McMahon’s personal plane!

Shawn Michaels: Oh no! Somebody brought a bottle of shampoo onto this toy plane! BKKKRRKKTCHFFFTZZKBT! It’s broken!

HHH: Dude…what the hell was that?

HBK: Three week old social humor mixed with a prop gag. You know? Our specialty.

HHH: Couldn’t you pretend the plane was a penis, and then suck on it or something?

HBK: I don’t think Jesus would approve.

Jesus: Hey, knock yourself out, man. Just don’t make any Snakes on a Plane jokes, ok?

On the air plane….

HBK: Hunter! Look! Champagne! You can’t bring THAT on as a carryon!

HHH: Yeah. Heh. Way to watch the news.

Jake The Snake Roberts: I’m tired of being on this plane.

Jesus: That’s…pushing it.

Roberts: Hey, Jethro, man. You gots that fibbly ducks you orgy?

Jesus: Oh, right…hey sorry about that. Here’s your fibbly ducks.

Fibbly Ducks: Quack?

Roberts: Togight I dine on duck soup!

Ducks: QUACK!

HHH: Hey! Look! Some doofus painted DX on the side of the plane!

HBK: And on the tail! Vandalism is a sin, Hunter. I hardly condone this.

Jesus: Lighten up, dude! Here, I turned some of this jet fuel into wine! Drink up!

HBK: Fine…Plllbth…BLEAH!

Jesus: Hahahahahahaha! PSYCHE!

Airing Next on USA! Back in his Office, Vince is none too pleased.

Vince McMahon: DX on a plane?! I can’t believe that! Don’t they know we have to fly around in that thing?

Shane McMahon: Yo, pops, it’s not a big deal! Not as big a deal as the time they spray painted the DX on the side of Titan Towers, anyway.

Vince: They WHAT?!

Shane: Yeah, like…last month. Don’t you read WWE.com?

Vince: No.

Shane: Come on, man! You were even in my office one day, and commented on how green it was outside.

Vince: I just thought that was inclement weather…..

Then, for no reason, Vince dropkicks a TV.

(ads)

Victoria v. Trish Stratus

Jim Ross points out that this match could go a long way to determining who the number one contender for Lita’s Women’s title is. Well…barring a rematch by Alexis Laree, you’re pretty much looking at the rest of the division there, bucko. Victoria counters the Stratusfaction with a backbreaker. Really, isn’t that just about the most counterable hold in wrestling? Right up there with the Canadian Destroyer. Just don’t flip, and the guy will never hit that move! All he’ll do is spin around on your back! Speaking of Canadian Destroyers, Trish wins the match anyway. Way to put over the division on the way out, bitch. After the match, Vince McMahon comes storming out, and Trish bails. She knows better than to stick around and listen to McMahon blab.

Vince McMahon: All right, I’ve had just about enough of this DX nonsense! So I’ve gathered together my very special Local Indy Workers police force, and sent them down to the airport to arrest DX! Luckily, they should get there right in time for these….

(ads)

Vince McMahon: Perfect! Now, as I was saying before I was so sponsorilly interrupted, I’ve got squad cars standing by at the airport to arrest D-

On top of Titan Towers….

Triple H: Hey, Vince! Look at me! I can see our house from here! Thank God the Stacker 2 Bees know how to get to Stamford.

Shawn Michaels: I had a match up here once….

HHH: Just like when Plato discovered the Allegory of Defeat, or when Michelangelo made the first pizza, or when Wario bombed Mushroom Harbor, DX is ready to make its mark on the history of this galaxy!

HBK: Kinda like a dog peeing on your new TV.

HHH: So without further ado, I’ve got two words for you!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

The camera pans out to reveal a giant “DX” painted on the side of the building.

Vince: Buh…huh?! I can’t believe it!

Shane McMahon: Can’t believe what? I just told you about it, like…ten friggin’ minutes ago! Not to mention the fact that it actually happened weeks ago, was on WWE.com all the time, and was right on the building you work at. Hell, you probably even saw the painters putting it up there.

Vince: Hmm…yeah. It is pretty hard to channel any kind of rage about it now, isn’t it?

Then for some reason, the fans all sing the “Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye!” song. Maybe they’re all going to go buy DX T-Shirts?

(ads)

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY: Smackdown debuted! It quickly became the home to many classic wrestling moments like…when…Undertaker…walked to the ring? Yeah. Good times!

Vince is walking backstage.

Mick Foley: Hey, Vince. Why in the world did you fly me in here tonight? I’m not even booked!

Vince McMahon: I just like to keep my eye on you in case you scamper off.

Foley: Good call! I have been known to scamper! You know what I was thinking? I suck at being a heel now, since nobody else around here can cut a promo. How about if I turn face again?

Shane McMahon: And why should we let you do that?

Foley: Because…it’ll help promote John Cena’s new movie?

Vince: I’m sold! I’ve got a great idea. Kissing my ass always makes people popular! Look what it did for Marty Jannetty! But don’t cross me or somebody’ll get FIRED!

Foley: Aw crap, it’s Melina isn’t it?

Shane: SHHHHHHHHHH! Geez.

(ads)

Edge (w/ Lita) v. Jeff Hardy

Conspicuous by its absence is most of Lita’s top. Not absent? GLOW IN THE DARK ARM PAINT! Oh, that Jeff Hardy. Such a rebel. Jim Ross can’t WAIT to make a side bet with Lawler that Jeff is going to kill himself on a blown spot before Armoire Gettin’. Lawler wisely begs off. You just never know with this guy, man. Thankfully, Jeff hardly has time to get in any spots at all, because as soon as he gets into the match, John Cena has run out and dragged Edge into the locker room. Cena gets some punches in on Edge, but Edge makes his escape thanks to the timely interference of some….

(ads)

Oh, but it doesn’t end there, folks! No, no! The ads aren’t going to stop John Cena! Cena tries to choke Edge with a hose while Jim Ross cheers him on. Hey, aren’t they both supposed to be faces? I’m just sayin’, choking a guy isn’t really…facey behavior. Unless you’re Tazz. After Edge clocks him with a little plastic lifesaver, John Cena gains the upper hand by whacking Edge in the balls with some water wings. This is just the most adorable fight ever. Cena finally tosses Edge into the harbor (shades of WCW Spring Break!), but Edge catches a ride on a rouge Spinnin’ Title, and sails off into the ocean. Where the hell did Lita go?

(ads)

Foley is backstage….

Mick Foley: I wanted to watch Reggie Bush, but now I’ve got to kiss Vince’s ass? I wasn’t even supposed to be here today.

Melina: Mick, I really, really, really am creeped out appearing in these segments with you.

Foley: I admit, I’ve kissed lesser man’s asses for far lesser reasons than not getting you fired-

Shane McMahon: Hey! What’d I say about that?

Foley: -but when I look into your heaving chest, I know it’ll all be ok.

Melina: Yeah. Hey, that’s great. Now leave me alone you stupid loser.

Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina, barely) v. Kane
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

The champion enters first because otherwise, Melina wouldn’t have had to run just to make her entrance. Kane, of course, lights off his pyro upon entering the ring because he’s a complete idiot. The story of the match is as follows: Nitro minces around the ring, pirouetting his way around Kane’s offense while Kane looks kind of sad and bored. Then Totally Not Jamal and Armando hit the scene, and Kane gets hit with a Thumb to the Eye. However, as that cute Australian girl from See No Evil will happily tell you, one thumb to the eye won’t take Kane down. Nope, it takes two. Off the second rope, no less. Maybe this is some kind of eye gouging feud? Anyway, our last image before the break is of Kane spitting out some Tahitian Treat, because one cannot drink and hold one’s eye at the same time.

(ads)

Your DIVA SEARCH 2006 WINNER? Layla El! She’s so British that it’s literally painful. Apparently she also has an ass. Maybe with that hair she can hook up with Carlito after Trish bails on him. The Miami Heat dancer a rebound girl? These headlines write themselves, folks.

In The Marine, John Cena has to try to convince the T-1000 that his girlfriend, is indeed NOT Sarah Connor, and that he is not John Connor. He accomplishes this mainly by blowing up cars, I think.

Randy Orton…oh, wait.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. Ric Flair

It always makes me cry when Evolution members are forced to fight. What ever happened to love? Hey, wasn’t Booker T supposed to be here tonight? Not that I would have any idea what he would do…Maybe come off his throne and declare Edge the “Lord of the Sea” or something. About ten seconds into the match, Flair completes his flop, and Orton wins. However, Randy is not quite finished, so he busts Flair’s face open and makes some finger paintings with Naitch’s blood, so WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan DQs Orton for being a stupid jerk face. Don’t be surprised at the poo in your bag, Mr. Doan. Afterwards, Carlito comes out and throws an apple at Randy’s head, completely befuddling the third generation superstar. Clearly we have the makings of…a feud?

(ads)

Mick Foley is in the ring with the McMahons and Melina.

Melina: You can totally see my turn coming from a mile away.

Shane McMahon: SHHH! Geez. Would everybody just shut up?

Melina: Seriously. I hate this guy. And besides, if I was really losing my job, why wouldn’t Johnny be out here to save it?

Backstage, Nitro is playing Madden….

Johnny Nitro: I’ll be out there in a sec, babe.

In the ring….

Vince McMahon: Be that as it may, quite frankly, somebody is going to kiss my ass tonight, or else somebody else is going to get fired. I’m really tired, and dismayed at the lack of wrestling on this show. So pucker up, Mick. I’ve never been ass kissed by a bearded man before. I bet it tickles.

Mick Foley: Why don’t you try to threaten my job, Vince? I mean hell, it’s not like I haven’t been fired before! You’ll probably just forget you fired me at all next week, and I’ll be on the next Pay Per View wrestling Charlie Haas or something stupid like that. Hell, why don’t you fire Flair?

Ric Flair: Fire me? I’m already fired! Fire me? I’m already fired!!

Foley: But, even though I know she’s going to turn on me-

Shane: Screw it.

Foley: I can’t help but look into those lovely titties of Melina and not be awestruck, and willing to kiss an ass to see them again. Melina, I love you so much that my wife has begrudgingly allowed me to add you to the “Girls I can have sex with” list.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: She’s on my list TOO!

Flair: Evolution reunion! WOO!

Foley: And I even put your name down as the Fairy Godmother of my babies Huey, Dewey, Louie, and the girl I don’t talk about. So even though you may want to cane Dewey, I want to cane you, Melina. Right in the crotch. And it is for that very reason that I stand here before you, willing to kiss another man right in the ass to prove my unending love for another wrestling character.

Foley totally makes out with Vince’s crack.

Foley: Now I need a pack of Mentos and a bottle of Jack.

Vince: Sorry, I don’t buy gifts on the first date.

Foley: Why, Melina, why are you on your knees behind me? Decided to get in on the action?

Melina punches Mick in the balls.

Shane: Oh. What a shocking swerve.

Batista: I didn’t see it COMING!

Flair: Dave! Dave! Let’s go pick up chicks! WOO!

Vince: Foley, you’re FIRED anyway! So take THAT! Ha! See you next month, man.

Vince, Shane and Melina walk backstage….

Melina: And just where were you?

Nitro: Baby! I was just trying to get my Franchise set up. You know how it is!

Vince: Here’s a Pro-Tip: Sign He Hate Me!

Nitro: You know it!

Vince: And what are you fine looking ladies doing? Mind if I slap your asses?

Boobsie McTitsalot: I’m talking about boobs!

Torrie Wilson: I’m imagining myself as women’s champion in three months because you won’t have any other baby faces!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pictures Taken Look Conspicuously Crusty here, and I’m standing by with Shelton Benjamin who I think wants to marry me or something.

Shelton Benjamin: I…uh…would you…AIN’T no stoppin’ me from feelin’ those titties…NAH!

Charlie Haas: I’d like to thank you for what you did, Vince! I promise, I won’t let you down against Mick!

Outside…

Vince: Did any of tonight’s show make sense? At all? I’m beginning to think I’m going crazy just trying to piece this whole thing together. I mean seriously, this is tougher than a friggin’ Rubix Cube. I think I’m going nuts.

Shane: Of course it made sense, Vince. First, Edge was in the ring, and then Lita was all “Booyah!” and then Jeff Hardy ran out and read a poem and-

Vince: Forget it. Let’s just go home. Driver, to the airport. I want to see my damn plane.

As the limo pulls away the entire back half falls off.

Shane: Woah! Awesome, pops! A breakaway limo!

Vince: This must be the work of that Damn DX! This is WAY worse than when Austin used to pull this crap!

Hulk Hogan: Actually, this was the work of the nWo, brother! For life, dude! Seriously, though, brother! The look on your face when I yanked the chain in front of these millions of Hulkamaniacs, dude, and pulled the back half of your car off? It was priceless, brother!

Vince: That…that makes even less sense!

Shane: That’s ok! The show is almost over! Just close your eyes and-

Another limo pulls up.

A Somewhat Officious Looking Penguin: I say, you chaps seem to be having a bit of trouble. Would you like a ride?

Vince: Shane, get in. We’re getting a ride from the penguin.

And then Vince cries. He’s like the new Tough Enough Jessie!

Next Week: Lita takes on Maria Sharapova in an…wait…that’s not right. RAW invades the SciFi channel, and Fat Mama breathes some new life into Shelton Benjamin’s career! Also, Jeff Hardy blows the first spot of his magnificent comeback. And DX writes “DX” all over Vince McMahon’s sandwiches. Hilarity Thy Name is SciFi.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
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RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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