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RAW SATIRE    
The Triumphant Return of Ralphus   

September 7, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

It’s…it’s still Monday…er…Tuesday...Right? 
 
Last Week: The McMahons really showed DX not to paint on Titan Towers any more by waving Big Show at them. RAW was on SciFi to appease the Tennis elitists, so we finally got to see Spock in wrestling trunks. And hey, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters came back! That’s… something… Right? What else will be something… TONIGHT?!

 
(Opening Credits)

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge is perched high atop a ladder in the middle of the ring. No! Don’t do it, Edge! You have so much to live for! Like…uh…your teeth? You got some nice teeth, there. He’s also got a mic, which is more than I can say for most of us. Perhaps he’d like to speak into it?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: I know what you’re all thinking out there, and yes, I would like to speak into this microphone! Which is what I’m doing right now. So good on me for that! Yeah, you could be watching the U.S. Open right now! But with Agassi out and Sharapova playing this morning, what’s the point? Wouldn’t you rather watch some blonde Canadian dude sit on a ladder? Yeah, it’s pointless! Just like this feud with John Cena! Because everybody knows that Vince will never send his “Golden Boy” over to the CW to slum it with the Gilmore Girls or Veronica Mars! Hell no. CW might as well stand for “Cancelled Wrestling,” because that’s all that’s happening to Smackdown. Sorry Undertaker!

The Voice of the Undertaker: Like I give a crap.

Edge: I’ll never forgive them for canceling Kevin Hill or Angel! NEVER! And Seventh Heaven gets another friggin’ season! What kind of donkey balls are they sucking over there?

Voice of Taker: Hell if I know, man. All I ever watched was Girlfriends.

Edge: Anyway, John Cena really sucks, but he’s got a movie coming out, and a guy is never supposed to win his signature match, so I’m totally jobbing the title back to Cena, and then Teddy Long is going to cry. This is why I hate wrestling booking. Nobody else made everyone Duck Al’Orange Cinnamon Buns today, did they? No! I did that! Me! But I’m the one who has to job the WWE Title. And so soon after I changed out the face plate? That’s why I’m going to jump off this ladder! Great teeth or no! But first, here’s a video package.

Hey! A video package of Edge’s greatest TLC moments airs. Look! Rhyno!

Edge: Remember when I was cool? I don’t! And I’m going to jump off this ladder and end it all! Who’s going to try to stop me?

Voice of Taker: Don’t look at me, dude. Even if I weren’t a disembodied voice, you always were my least favorite Brood member.

Edge jumps, but just as he’s about to meet his kind of bumpy not-quite-end, John Cena catches him.

John Cena: Edge, buddy, are you ok? I saw you sitting up there, dawg. You’ve got so much to live for! I know we’ve been enemies for a while now, but it’s tearing you up inside! I don’t want you to hurt yourself over me! If it means so much to you, you can keep that silly title.

Edge: No! No! No! No! You’re not supposed to be nice to me! You’re supposed to be a stupid, rhyming, stupid jerkwad!

Cena: Here, why don’t you lay down?

Cena lays Edge on a table, which shatters.

Cena: Gosh! I’m sorry. Here, let me get you a chair or something to sit on instead. And while I’m at it, I’m going to take this ladder down so you don’t do anything stupid.

Cena tosses the chair and ladder onto Edge.

Edge: CEEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAA!

(ads)

Backstage, Jeff Hardy is painting a wall. Whew. He’s finally back, folks.

Jeff Hardy:

How much?
How much paint,
To cover the hole,
You left on me,
Pressed into my soul?

How much?
I roll this paint,
Color everything brown,
Do you love me,
If I look like a clown?

How much?
Paint like coffee,
With a little cream,
Milky, milky brown,
Is it…

2Xtreme?

Rob Van Dam: Duuuude, that’s a great wall you’ve got going there!

Jeff: Thanks. I appreciate you building it for me.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Jonathan Coachman: Guys, you’ve got to take this thing down! What the hell made you think you could just build a wall and paint it in the middle of this hallway? We don’t own this building, you know!

RVD: Bummer.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Peyton Touches Little Carson’s Cobbler, and I’m here standing by with The Wall. Mr. The Wall, how boring did you think the press conference was last week? And a follow up, if I may? How does it feel to be dead?

Jeff: This is lame. They’re still suppressing my creativity. They’re no better than TNA. Let’s go watch grass grow, Rob!

RVD: Duuuuude, already way ahead of you.

Jeff: HAHAHAHA

RVD: HAHAHAHA

Jeff: HAHAHAHA

RVD: HAHAHAHA

Jeff: ….

RVD: ….

Jeff: ….

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Jeff Hardy v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Jeff can really move if he got from the wall to the ring so quickly. He and Nitro do some Indytastic chain wrestling, which is neat because that’s one way to keep Jeff from blowing any spots. Why didn’t TNA try this with Abyss? Anyway, this really puts a damper on Nitro’s plan of attack which apparently consisted of waiting for Jeff to fall over and break something. Well, Jesus, Johnny, that wasn’t a very good plan at all. Unless you really want Orton to be the Intercontinental Champion. You don’t, do you? No. Just sit there and think about that during these….

(ads)

When we come back Nitro is actually attempting to beat up Hardy, but Lawler and Ross are too busy filling out their fantasy rosters to notice. Yeah, shut up, guys. My Fantasy QB was supposed to be Roethlisberger this year. That’s worked out really well so far. I mean, I guess he hasn’t been shot or killed by a sting ray or anything yet, but the year is still young. Just as it looks like Jeff is going to pull out the win by stealing Matt’s moveset again, Melina comes in and punches WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Just because he cuts a better promo than you is no reason to be upset, sweetheart. Jeff seethes in the corner as Melina and Nitro take off. Wonder if he’s still upset about the wall?

(ads)

This Week In Wrestling History: WCW aired the first edition of Monday Nitro live from the Mall of America. The Rotunda really hasn’t been the same since. Unless you really like pre-teen modeling contests or boy bands. Don’t…answer that. That’s really more than I want to know about you all. Wow, Flair has aged about 40 years since then. That spot doesn’t look right without PB Loco or the two Starbucks though. And yes, this is just a cheap shout out to the fact that I live within twenty minutes of the Mall of America. Why?

Trish Stratus is about to walk out to give her retirement speech (Oh! Let me guess! “So long suckers! This job is for chimps!”), but she gets caught by Lita.

Trish Stratus: What? Can’t I go out there and blow off all my fans? I gots to get my retirement speech on! “Today, I feel…like the luckiest Diva in the whole locker-room!”

Lita: Aren’t you blowing your load a little early here? We’ve got a match at Unforgotten yet. If you retire now, then we can’t stick it to the rest of the Women’s Division one last time.

Trish: Hahahaha. Yeah. I guess there is that. Man, that’s the one thing I’m going to miss. Screw those guys.

Lita: Hey, you see those sheets over there attached to those poles? Let’s totally roll into them!

So they do. After a few minutes, Carlito Caribbean Cool and Some Other Guys run in and break it up, because if there’s one thing a Diva fight is good for? It’s playing some random grab ass backstage. Randy Orton runs in to get in on the fun, but they’d already broken things up by then, so instead he punches Carlito and runs away. I think he’s just mad he never got any action from Trish before she left. I hope she brought a spare bag. Meanwhile, Lita has apparently made her way over to the McMahon office.

Lita: Howdy Coach! What are you doing standing in front of Vince’s door?

Jonathan Coachman: Keeping an eye out for any wall builders or painters. You never know where or when they’re going to show up.

Lita: Couldn’t find enough Local Indy Workers to be cops tonight, huh?

Coach: Nope. We did get one fat guy though.

Lita: Look, all I want is for you guys to do something about this Trish/Carlito thing. It’s clearly not going anywhere, and frankly, I think you’re just going to disappoint a lot of people when they never get any closure to what that angle was all about.

Shane McMahon pokes his head out of the office.

Shane McMahon: Nah. People love it when we do things like that. Gives ‘em something to bitch about. “Oh, who ever raised the briefcase?!” “Why did The Rock date Trish if he was so happily married?!” Yeah. Hell, I was about to book Carlito and Trish against you and Orton tonight.

Lita: Orton? Hell no. You couldn’t pay me enough to hang out with that dingbat. And I hung out with Kane for, like, two years, so that’s saying something. No, no, no. I’d rather tag with Abe. And he’s the one that killed my chicken parmesan.

Shane: Happy compromise: You, Edge, and Orton taking on Trish, Carlito and Cena.

Lita: Wonderful. Orton and Cena in the same match? What can go wrong!

Shane: And what was this I heard about someone building walls and then painting them out here?

Coach: It’s…uh…nothing. Really. I took care of it.

Shane: It better be nothing.

Coach: So when are you going to have a Kiss My Ass Club.

Shane slowly backs away and slams the door.

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: What the hell am I getting mic time for? And another thing, does anybody notice anything different about me? That’s right! Subway diet! Thanks a million, Jared!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Super Crazy
Liver Challenge

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: One could say the enzyme levels have really been elevated to a new level for this match!

Fukui: That only half works. The Iron Chef wasn’t suspended for the enzymes, he was suspended for roiding up.

Ohta: Never let the facts get in the way of your floor reports!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Do you think the Chairman would let me have one of those livers if the chefs don’t use them? Because I could really use…one or two more in reserve.

Fukui: Maybe you should just stop drinking instead of trying to steal cow livers to transplant into yourself!

Hatori: What can I say, your wife likes to drink a little sake before we-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Eh…Go ahead.

Ohta: Speaking of getting stereotypically drunk, the challenger was passing out tequilla and liver burritos to all the judges, while the Iron Chef wasn’t looking! The challenger wins again! This Iron Chef sucks. Can’t we get Sakai back or something?

Hatori: Oh, Fukui’s got Sakai’s back, all right! Wink.

Fukui: I hate you. Join us next time in Kitchen Stadium when the secret ingredient is Hatori’s hair piece. Nice wig there, bro. Who will reign supreme?!

(ads)

Did Super Crazy just win a match? Anyway, Vince, Shane and Big Show are all out, and I guess the High School gym let out early because they’ve got a contingent of Local Indy Workers watching their backs. Nice Security T-Shirts, by the way. Did your moms make those for you? Or Ralphus?

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! Last week, me and my pops, we came out with our phasers set on “Beat up DX” and it was like, “Booyah! Bam!” They were all bloody! And Big Show was there! Sorry about dropping that speaker on you that one time, man!

Big Show: Don’t sweat it! After all, I’m the ECW champion now! I’ve got speakers falling on me every weekend now! And…I…don’t…remember things. Good. Any more. So is DX actually coming to ECW tomorrow? That’s ridiculous.

Vince McMahon: Not as ridiculous as Undertaker, quite frankly. As for DX, is it just me or does something feel off tonight? Like the crowd just isn’t into it?

Shane: That could be because the Satire is a day late….

Rob Van Dam runs out and repairs the fourth wall while Jeff Hardy paints it. Coach chases them off.

Vince: No! I was referring to the fact that their heroes, DX, were defeated last week! That building painting and the “Vince Hearts Foghorn Leghorn” shirts don’t seem funny now, do they? Now that DX is all beat up!

Show: I’d like to put forth that they weren’t really all that hilarious in the first place.

Triple H: Dude, what the heck would you know about hilarity? Maybe we should get back out the crane and paint DX on you?! All these weeks, we forgot what made DX what it is today! It wasn’t the sophomoric pranks, or the soulless humor! It was holding other people down! So we’re about to come down there and hold you guys down, and there’s nothing you or your collection of guys who jobbed to Lodi last night can do about it!

Shane: Not so fast, my friend! Because it just so happens we have a former WCW Hardcore Champion on our side! Yeah! Coach, bring him out here!

Vince: Come on out, Finlay!

Jonathan Coachman: About that. I said a former WCW Hardcore champion. And technically that’s correct…but….

Ralphus meets DX halfway up the ramp. The blubber flies as McMahon Personal Security tries to cripple Shawn Michaels, but a chairshot later and DX has hit the ring. The Local Indy Workers are all beaten, but Show and the McMahons have managed to escape in the chaos.

Shawn Michaels: Darn. I was hoping to be able to skip the Hell in a Cell thing. Oh well. If you’re not down with Ralphus, I’ve got TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

(ads)

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch v. The Highlanders v. Viscera and Charlie Haas
For the Number One Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles

The Spirit Squad comes down to oversee the proceedings. Remember when they were in the main event? Or when they were supposed to break up? Yeah. Those were the days. This is clearly a direct result of Cade, Murdoch, Viscera and Haas bemoaning the lack of tag team wrestling on this show last week. Here’s your cameo boys! Make the most of it! The story of the match is S.S. Mitch standing around on the outside asking various production people whether or not they noticed his haircut. The Highlanders win. Way to go, Cade, Murdoch, Viscera and Haas!

Backstage, Carlito is trying to ignore Trish. Yeah. That bitch is just going to leave you anyway.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Oh, that Randy Orton, man. “Hey, flies! I’m Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! I really like being on your West Wing Show! I hurt we don’t get presented again for the U.S. Organ Topless Turnstile! Hyuck!” I’m so sick of that guy, man. And Legend Kill Guy? That’s totally my thing. I once thought I was the son of Ric Flair, you know?

Trish Stratus: Carlito, I notice that you’ve been distant lately. Is there anything you want to talk to me about?

Carlito: No. You’re pretty much a raging whore. Way to put over the division on your way out, raging whore. You might be worse than Orton. Jesus, we can get Moolah on the phone, and she’ll be here in three minutes ready to wrestle. She’s 80. You’re 31, and it’s all “Oh, I want to retire! I’m so old and used up! I’ve got an idea! Let’s put over Lita who is also leaving!”

Trish: Yeah…I suppose that’s one way of looking at it….

Carlito: Ugh. I can’t take the vague, irresolvable sexual tension, let’s go have sex quick. I know a wall we can hide behind.

Trish: You got it.

Jeff Hardy: Nooooooo! I just painted that wall!

Rob Van Dam: And I just stole this camera out of a police car! Yeah! All right!!

Jeff: She used to be mine, you know. Sniff.

(ads)

Maria is in the ring trying to get people to make out, which is going great until Ric Flair decides to run out and grab her ass. Maria giggles, but says that she doesn’t want to be neep Flair, so she bails.

Ric Flair: WOO! It’s me! The NATURE BOY! And I’m out here to say that, Atlanta! WOO! I took your old ladies for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOYS! WOO! But seriously folks, I came out here to say that even though I hate Mick Foley, apparently he got fired or something. And that’s wrong! Because as much as I hate him, I think he’s a jet flyin’, limo ridin’, kissstealinwheelinandadealinsonofagunnaturewoobygod-

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! Haha! But what is important is whether or not you remember what happened a few months ago when you took on my Samoan Bulldogzer Totally Not Jamal?

Flair: Did I take his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy? Woo?

Armando: No! You…how you say…got a Thumb to the Eye! Say, how long has it been since you started talking? Haha!

Flair: Not three minutes?

That brings out Totally Not Jamal who is rocking his Atlanta Falcons face paint. Well, yeah. That’s the closest team in Atlanta to making the playoffs right now. Maybe the Hawks…Anyway, Not Jamal crashes the ring, and he’s about to take out Flair again, but he’s interrupted by Kane! I was just thinking the show needed some more of him. They brawl for a bit, and Kane sets off his corner pyro. And Not Jamal’s hair? Not exactly fire proof. So he bails.

(ads)

Here’s our introduction to Cryme Time, which sounds for all the world like a Sesame Street segment, but apparently it’s just two guys who like to rob Smoothie shops. Maybe they should try Wendys. Booker seemed to get by ok. Other than the jail part. Anyway, here goes….

Shad Gaspard: Yo, homey! Let’s rob this here smoothie shop!

JTG: Word?

Shad: Word.

JTG: Even with this WWE camera all up in herr? We’ll get caught!

Shad: Yo. I hadn’t thought about that, dawg. Let us procure smoothies with some legal tender and drink them out on my veranda.

JTG: Word.

HAHAHAHA! Vince is finally going to get his Dave Chappelle characters two years too late. Somebody call Bill Cosby and Oprah! What’s Funaki doing now that they cancelled Internet Velocity anyway? Put him, Super Crazy and these guys in a stable! Stat! Armando can be their agent! Oh…and next week is begging for the return of Muhammed Hassan!

Teddy Long is in a sky box eating a $50 cheese platter. Holla Holla. In the McMahon Office, the McMahons and Show are scheming.

Big Show: Nope. No fours. Go Fish.

Shane McMahon: Dammit.

Vince McMahon: Guys, I’ve been thinking, we’re returning to Madison Square Garden for the first time in a while next week, and I figure what better way to kick things off than having me wrestle Triple H in the main event? That way we can get a measure of revenge against DX and I get to be on TV for even longer! What do you think?

Show: Got any sixes?

Vince: Yeah. Here.

(ads)

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, Randy Orton and Lita v. John Cena, Carlito Caribbean Cool and Trish Stratus

Cena wants Edge to start, but Edge isn’t having any of it. If the Champ isn’t going to come out last, then what’s the point of even going for the belt, anyway? Oh, man, this is one of those “The boys can wrestle the girls” matches isn’t it? Have a good night, Canada. Sucks to be Edge and Trish, I guess. Especially Trish since she’s got to get all the face time she can if she wants that show on MuchMusic. The crowd starts a dueling “Let’s go Edge” “Let’s Go Cena” chant, which is completely ridiculous. Back to TNA all of you. Go chant for Norman Smiley or something. Actually, please do! And bring Ralphus back to him while you’re at it. If TNA had Ralphus, they wouldn’t have the problems they do. Hey! Look! Lita’s underwear!

(ads)

Carlito has somehow wound up falling victim to Orton’s Nothin’ But CHINLOCKS~! Offense, which is confusing. I just figured there was too much hair there for Orton to get his hands all the way around it. Orton hands the tag to Lita, which he figures is worth at least some dry humping. Which…given the players, I can’t disagree with him there. Sorry, ladies. Edge sets up Trish for the spear, but Carlito intercepts. He’s very big in Canada, so no man on lady violence, please. However, while he’s busy explaining his position to Edge, Trish trips on one of Lita’s thong straps and falls over. Orton wins! Good job, Randy. Bitch is going to put somebody over.

Next Week: Vince McMahon and Triple H engage in an epic duel that is so epic I almost switch over from the Vikings game during commercials. Ralphus calls out Shawn Michaels for running Jericho out of the company. And Randy Orton finally gets lucky with a certain wall he’s had his eye on. You don’t want to miss it!

Until then…I’m out!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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