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RAW SATIRE    
Who Turned Out the Lights? 

September 26, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Apparently it was Poetry Slam week, and DX and John Cena came prepared. “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge had trouble coming up with teammates, so he pulled anyone he could find off Internet Heat. And with the McMahons gone, Jonathan Coachman took over the show. Who will take over the show…TONIGHT?!
 
Oooooh, they’ve got new (Opening Credits)! Good for them. I guess it wouldn’t make much sense to focus on Trish anymore, huh?

And we’re starting off at a house show. That’s always a good sign. Well, at least they’re drawing for house shows again. Eat it, Scaia! Wait…no…this is RAW, and somebody switched off all the lights. Oh! Oh! I know! I know!


 The Voice of the Undertaker:
….

Whoops. Looks like the mics are out too. Even…the disembodied ones. Here’s Lillian Garcia to announce the first contest!

Lillian Garcia: ….

Boobsie McTitsalot v. Lita
In Part of the Tournament for the WWE Women’s Title, with Special Guest Referee “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge…I Think.

That’s some good announcing, Lillian. Edge feels both girls up to start. Which, really, should be the start of any women’s match. However, Edge takes it a step further and decides to dry hump Lita in the corner, much to the delight of the four people who can actually see this match. Boobsie tries to lighten things up by handing out candles to everyone, but she accidentally drips some hot wax on Edge and he spears her, allowing Lita to get the win. Edge is ready to bail, so as not to actually be seen taking part in a women’s match, but John Cena waylays him, forcing him back into the ring. To their credit, the Oklahoma City crowd cheers for Cena, but only because they thought he was the T-Shirt shooter guy.

(ads)

So, if a match is competed under House Show Lighting, does it actually count? Maybe I should ask the ECW guys. Anyway, Cena has the mic. Oh, and the lights are back on by the way.

John Cena: Yo, looks like somebody accidently turned off the light switch for the arena, know what I’m sayin’?

Abe Orton: It wasn’t my fault!

The Voice of the Undertaker: Don’t look at me! Firstly because I’m a disembodied voice, so technically yo-

Cena: You can’t see me!

Voice of Taker: And secondly, because I’ve already made my contractually obligated TV appearances for this year. So…aw crap. Here I am again. That’s it. I’m out of here!

Cena: Well, if it wasn’t Taker, and it wasn’t Abe, who could it be? Yo Yo Yo Yo YO!

Edge don’t want to be seen,
Wrestling with the chicks,
Wouldn’t put it past him,
The arena lights to nix.

Come fight me you bastard,
Turnin’ off the lights,
I’m the WWE Champion,
Ready for a fight!

You bring your ho Lita,
I’ll buy myself a cup of beer,
Fans cheer for T-Shirt guy,
But THE CHAMP IS HERE!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: I did NOT invent Caramel Cinnamon Roll Toast this morning to have to come to work tonight and be accused of switching off the lights because I don’t want to be seen near a women’s match. And I’m not fighting you tonight. I’m tired of feuding with you.

Cena: Aw come on, man! I don’t want to feud with Orton! How about if I feud with Lita?

Lita: Whahuh? I mean, sure, I could probably beat you in a straight up fight, but this show airs in Canada! I’ve got lots of friends in Canada, I’d hate for them to miss a match.

Cena: You can even tie a hand behind my back so I can’t grope you with two hands at once.

Edge: I dunno, honey. This guy is actually making a lot of sense. Hardly any groping and I get to delay the inevitable re-feud another week? Screw Canada.

Lita: Ugh. Fine. I haven’t been in a lame Main Event in forever anyway.

The RAW Crew was just in Mexico, which explains why Super Crazy ended up on RAW. Thankfully, clips from WWE Film’s upcoming cinematic masterpiece Randy Orton’s Extreme Donkey Show Adventure were omitted.

(ads)

Kane v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Melina is wearing some kind of weird blue socks tonight which aren’t particularly flattering. There’s a time and a place for most things, but patterned blue thigh highs and heels? No. Kane, for his part, does his pyro before the match, and then says, “Aw, dammit. Not again!” By the way, you can tell Kane isn’t the one responsible for the lights because throwing his arms up and down calls forth fire, not lights. Well…fire is a kind of light, I guess but…shut up. Kane beats up Nitro for a while, but then Totally Not Jamal and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon hit the ring and attack Kane, which the Announcers go to great lengths to tell us is not allowed. What will be Not Jamal’s punishment, you ask? He’s going to be the first person to download and listen to Brooke Hogan’s new CD on WWE.com. Upon realizing this, Not Jamal jams some stairs into Kane’s ear. I hear you, man. Kane probably doesn’t though. At least, not very well.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is reading WWE Magazine. Oh, man. Why?

Triple H: What’s up, man? Alexis Laree baking a pie again?

Shawn Michaels: Nah, I was just reading this article about your career. Man, you’ve been involved in some really week stuff over the years. Katie Vick, Ultimate WarriorChyna….

HHH: Yeah, but I’ve balanced it all out with some good stuff. Like DX! Or Evolution!

Shawn: Pfft…if you say so, man. Hey, I wonder why there aren’t any ads for DX merchandise in the catalog section?

HHH: Probably because all our new T-Shirt designs suck. Foghorn Leghorn?! What were we thinking? And don’t get me started on your idea for a shirt with DX spray painted over the cross with “Thou Shalt Suck It” on the back.

Shawn: What? It’s edgy and religious! Take that heathens!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Plops Tennessee Lutherans Carrying Coal here, and I’m standing by with Degeneration X! And guys, I’ve got to ask you, what do you think of my black lace gauntlets?

HHH: That’s pretty hot, I guess. Doesn’t really go with your outfit, but whatever.

Shawn: Yeah. You should hook up with Melina and get some blue printed stockings to seal the ol’ deal.

HHH: Before this show gets any more gay fashion advice, I’ve got just two words for you!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Maria: Boomer Sooner?

HHH: I’d Boom her sooner, if you know what I mean….

Shawn: There’s got to be a commandment about that….

Eugene: Eek! CM Punk’s girlfriend! I’m such a big fan! Easy Dub! Easy Dub! Right? Anyway, did I hear somebody talking about Gauntlet over here?

Maria: Green Paint Nerd needs food badly! Green Paint Nerd is about to die! Meepmeep! Meepmeep!

Eugene: Ack! You better…not steal…my keys…bitch….

Eugene has lost a life.

(ads)

Backstage, Coach breaks up Shelton Benjamin’s macking on Torrie Wilson. Oh, come on, Coach, don’t playa hate. She’s much better off with Shelton than Kidman.

Johnathan Coachman: Shelton, I’ve got to talk to you. Pulling the race card last week was pretty uncool, man. We’re already under fire for the Cryme Tyme crap, and with racial tensions running at an all time high thanks to Survivor, the last thing we need is you bitching about it.

Shelton Benjamin: Yeah, I suppose you’re right. By the way, since we’re talking about it, what race are you anyway?

Coach: Well, Shelton. I too am black.

Shelton: Get out of town!

Coach: Shut up. Besides, Vince McMahon loves the black athlete. Why just look at King Booker…and…and…The Rock…and…Junk Yard Dog?

Shelton: Yeah…I guess. Maybe Vince just hates the charisma less athlete.

Coach: Nah. Look at Bret Hart. Or Chris Benoit. Now, Shelton, did you turn out the lights in the arena because you were ashamed of you lack of charisma?

Shelton Benjamin: You’re accusing me of turning off the lights because I’m black, aren’t you?

Rikishi: Do you want me to run over Steve Austin for you? Because I would.

Shelton: Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?

Rikishi: Heh. Yeah. I’m “on the lamb.”

Jeff Hardy:

Whisper.
I whisper.
In the wind.
So low the breeze.
My homeboys hang it low.
Is this another rap song? Bling?
Or is it….

2Xtreme?

Shelton: I bet this fruit turned off the lights, so he could glow in the dark better or whatever.

Jeff: The lights are just an illusion for the soul, my friend. Besides, I’m scared of the dark. It wasn’t me.

Coach: Why don’t Jeff and Shelton just wrestle to see who Vince hates more. Gay poets or boring black people.

Kanyon: I know the answer to that one!

Coach: Hey! Edge. I’m going to go try to nip these cameo appearances in the bud. and try to solve this light mystery. Just don’t interfere in tonight’s main event or else you lose your title shot. And you have to listen to Brooke Hogan’s CD with Not Jamal.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: That really sucks.

Lita: Hold me.

(ads)

Mikey (w/ The Spirit Squad) v. Ric Flair

This is really fantastic. I hope he wrestles S.S. Mitch next week. Hell, I hope he wrestles S.S. Mitch every week until Survivor Series. Or Kane. The Spirit Squad needs more Kane. I think he’d look quite fetching in a cheerleader outfit. Anyway, the story of the Match is that Spirit Squad Johnny is sad because they’re a bunch of losers, even though they’re still the tag team champions. And then Mikey gets rolled up for the loss. So Kenny comes in the ring and looks at Flair kind of crosseyed, and Flair threatens to take Alexis for a ride on Space Mountain. Basically your typical WWE match.

(ads)

John Cena is going to be on MadTV…wait…that’s still on?

DX is in the ring.

Shawn Michaels: I sure hope Vince is watching tonight.

HHH: Why’s that, Shawn?

Shawn: I heard he likes to watch us beat up jobber tag teams. Also, head to anus contact.

HHH: Oh, Shawn, you kidder.

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Degeneration X v. The Highlanders
First Fall of the Gauntlet Match

Oh, shoot. One of THESE kinds of Gauntlet matches. I was hoping for the Coal Miner’s Glove! Anyway, the Highlanders are a bit star struck to be standing in the same ring as DX, so they offer to fall on their own swords and take the loss. However, Hunter rightfully points out that a falling loss will be credited as a win by Randy Orton. So, instead they just let Shawn Superkick Roby for the pin. Then Hunter puts down Rory with the PEDIGREE TO RORY HIGHLANDER~! for laughs.

Degeneration X v. Charilie Haas and Viscera
Fall Two of the Gauntlet Match

Wait for it…wait for it….

(ads)

There. For what it’s worth, Jim Ross notes that Haas is actually from Oklahoma, but that doesn’t really matter because nobody likes Charlie Haas. Not even the people contractually obligated to. Speaking of which, Lillian Garcia doesn’t seem to mind their presence out there any more, which means we’re just about due for another Lillian/Viscera angle. Can’t wait! Anyway, Viscera and Haas end up running into each other, and knocking each other out which is good enough for DX to get a double pin on them. Heh. What a bunch of jobbers.

Degeneration X v. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
Fall Three of the Gauntlet Match

So let me get this straight, this is the gauntlet you have them run? Three teams that have hardly ever won any matches? That’s smart booking. Does DX get to keep Shane Douglas as their manager if they win? Hey, do you suppose DX turned off the lights as some kind of sophomoric prank to ruin RAW? Nah, come to think of it, they WANT to be seen. Badly. Anyway, DX is clearly sick of having to wrestle all these matches without mic time in between, so they just hit Cade and Murdoch with chairs to end this whole thing. Sure they lose, but…whatever, you know? Cade and Murdoch fume on the outside while DX poses. This feud is adorable.

(ads)

THREE HOURS of RAW? Crap. I was trying to conserve energy for the Satireversary. Double crap. I hope Dave shows up at least.

Here’s Toby Keith, who I think must be stalking somebody on the WWE staff now or something. I don’t suppose he turned off the lights.

What Time is it? Cryme Tyme! Cryyyyyyyyyyme Tyyyyyyyme! Cryyyyyyyyyyyyme Tyyyyyyyyyyme!

Whitey: Doo hoo hoo, I’m just removing some dollah dollah bills from this here cash machine. Bling bling!

Shad Gaspard: Please, sir, do not co-opt our slang into your daily verbage.

JTG: Word, homey. That ain’t cool.

Shad: Dawg, Shelton Benjamin was right. We don’t get no respect in this business.

Whitey: Don’t get no? That’s a double negative. Does that mean that you do get respect?

Shad: Man…I…I guess we do. Yeah. Much respect to Cryme Tyme.

JTG: Word.

Whitey: Buhlee dat.

Jeff Hardy v. Shelton Benjamin

It was nice of them to have Shelton and Cryme Tyme share a segment. I can only take so much racial strife in one sitting. Jeff tries mat wrestling to start which is cute. I doubt if TNA was what balanced him. I think maybe he’s just trying to avoid getting sent over to ECW and having to work with Sabu every night again. Anyway, Jeff goes for the Swanton and the Twist of Fate which are both blocked because Shelton has hold of the ropes. But eventually he gets tired of that, and walks right into a roll-up. Jeff Hardy wins! Discrimination!

(ads)

The Marine is coming out. I’m distracted by this commercial, because I keep thinking that they’re saying that Kelly Clarkson is going to be in the movie, but I know that’s not true, because it’s not called The Twinkie. Though maybe WWE Films can get Carlito to star in From Justin to Kelly 2.

Randy Orton and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris M…Dammit

(ads)

Try that again.

Randy Orton and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Super Crazy and Carlito Caribbean Cool

Crazy looks thrilled to be out there, which is always nice. Lawler spends the first 90% of this match trying to convince me that Chris Masters looks as buff as ever, but I’m not buying it. Funaki has more natural muscle mass than our Iron Chef does right now. Masters is attempting to baste the announce table while Orton waits for somebody to fall over. I’d really like to accuse them of turning off the arena lights, I just don’t think they’re clever enough. Anyway, the finish of the match is Carlito hitting the Back Cracker on Masters for the pin, but tripping on one of Master’s flabby man boobs, giving the ultimate victory to Orton. Orton wins!

(ads)

Coach is in the ring. PLAY HIS MUSIC~!

Jonathan Coachman: I’ve been trying to solve this light switch mystery all night long and it’s giving me a headache, so I came out here to think. Look, does anybody out there have any ideas? Was it, like, Val Venis or something? Because I really have to know. At least there aren’t any more unexpected guest stars tonight.

Eric Bischoff: Boogidy boodidy boo!

Coach: AH! I thought both you and WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman got fired! And put into a dump truck.

Bischoff: We did. But Duke Drosey let us out. But while I was in that dump truck, I had lots of time to think, you know? And so I took a rotten stick and some banana peels and I began to pen my memoirs. I call them, “Never Underestimate the Buying Power of Hillbillies.”

Coach: That smells awful.

Bischoff: In it, I detail the rise and success of WCW, how I invented the nWo, the Monday Night Wars, and basically pro-wrestling. And then I got all burnt out and Vince Russo killed it all. But that had nothing to do with me. Also I devote, like, 11 bananas to how hilarious it is that people are still wearing old, faded nWo shirts to this day.

Coach: Did you turn out the light?

Bischoff: Son, I invented turning out lights randomly during wrestling shows. But no. I didn’t do that tonight.

Coach: Dammit. Somebody play my music again.

Bischoff: See you all next year in TNA!

(ads)

Lita (w/ Edge) v. John Cena
In Which John Cena Has One Hand Tied Behind His Back

One leg would have been more interesting. More Fugitive jokes and less “one legged man in an ass kicking contests” this way, I suppose. I like Lita’s chances here. After all, she beat Spike Dudley, who beat Raven, who beat Tazz who beat Angle who beat Edge who beat Cena. Thereby, Lita > Cena. Lita goes right for the balls, which isn’t that surprising, but Cena picks her up and hits her with a one armed FU. Cena wins. How…well thought out. Good thing you only missed, like, five seconds, eh Canada? Anyway, this brings out King Booker, William Regal and Fit Finlay who start beating the crap out of Cena, because they don’t want to have to wrestle Dave AND Cena on Friday. And they attack him.

And they attack him.

And they attack him.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Then some more.

Seriously, it goes on for, like, two hours. Maybe that’s how they’re going to fill the extra hour in two weeks?

Anyway, at some point, Booker takes off his shoes and starts rubbing his foot on Cena’s face for no real reason, and Lawler loves it because Bret Hart is a jerk. Abe’s soooo jealous. And check out that man jaw on Finlay! Sadly, no indication of the Leprechaun, which is just what this beat down needed. Maybe these guys turned off the lights. Nah…they’d be too afraid of retaliation from RAW. Beating up Cena, however? Everybody can get behind that. Speaking of people who get behind things, Edge has a mic.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Next week, Cena! I’m invoking my rematch clause inside a forty foot high marshmallow cage!

Delicious!

Next Week: The Show is broadcast entirely in Braille for the first twenty minutes! John Cena and Edge square off inside the best tasting cage in forever. Maybe they’ll have enough sense to make it an inferno match too. And as if that weren’t enough, DX finally gets their comeuppance in the form of having their music mysteriously replaced by Brooke Hogan’s CD. Oh the horrors!

 

 

But wait…who turned off the lights?

Kurt Angle: Finally, I have my revenge on WWE! Mwhahahahaha! How will you wrestle with no lights?! You won’t! That’s for sure! For darn sure!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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