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RAW SATIRE    
nW-NOOOOOOOOOOO~!   

October 3, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

RAW SATIRE MAILBAG: Astute Reader Darryl Stewart writes: “When RAW switched from TSN to The Score in August, they stopped censoring out male-on-female violence. I know that's been a running joke of yours but that isn't accurate anymore.”

Well, hell, Darryl, let’s hope Randy Orton beats up some hookers tonight to celebrate!
 

Last Week: Edge, Lita and a bunch of No Names from Smackdown combined to form Voltron and knock out John Cena. DX beat pretty much all of Internet Heat. Plus, I’m not really sure, but I think there’s still a Women’s Division. Maybe we’ll learn more…TONIGHT!!

(Opening Credits)
 

Here’s DX, and they’re on their way to the ring. What do you suppose they’ll have a mic? What do you know?

Triple H: Are you ready?

Crowd: SUCK IT!

HHH: No, no, no, you guys. I’m trying to work a schtick here. Play along.

Shawn Michaels: Haven’t you guys heard this thing enough to know when to say “suck it?”

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Shawn: Oh, never mind.

Jonathan Coachman: Never mind is right! Because we’re about to have a match! Right here! DX taking on a bunch of guys from Internet Heat! Because I can!

Shawn: Internet Heat! Oh noes!

Degeneration X v. Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Charlie Haas, Viscera, Rory, Roby, Some Ducks, and Q*Bert
In a Texas Tornado Match

Isn’t the Texas Tornado a drink? I’d like one of those right now. I’m awfully sick. Anyway, DX gets in there and starts punching people, and before long Rory and Roby bail because they’re not about to job to these guys again. 600+ years of experience will do that for you, I guess. Pretty soon, though, the Coiled Snake chases Q*Bert out of the ring, and DX gets the pin on one of the Ducks. Or possibly Charlie Haas. I wasn’t paying attention. Is Q*Bert/Coiled Snake a Internet Heat feud?

Coach: That wasn’t how I booked this match. Where the hell did that coiled snake come from?

HHH: Where? DOWN THERE!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Shawn: That works, I guess.

So DX chases him off.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Jim Ross notes that Melina really likes threesomes. I guess they’re looking for somebody to replace Joey Mercury, then? I heard Christian York wasn’t doing anything. Like, literally, he’s just sitting around at his house waiting for Melina and Nitro to call. Jeff flops around in one of the corners. I…think that’s what he was going for there, so I guess it’s technically not a blown spot. Hardy has really been sharp since he’s come back. I keep expecting somebody to unmask him and have it be somebody else like in Scooby Doo. OH! Maybe Jeff is Christian York!

(ads)

Back in the match, Nitro has Jeff under control. This is why they fired Justin Credible. He could never keep Jeff under control. That and he liked to talk a lot. Of course, when Jeff was “Willie the Worker” he was a little more clever than Justin.

NEWS BULLETIN

Kurt Angle was fired because he was a druggie whose head is about to fall off. And that’s not just the coolest, that’s no just the best…you’re not still typing are you? Crap.

Melina falls over, but the ref doesn’t see it to give Orton the title victory, so Jeff hits the Swanton on Nitro for the win. Jeff Hardy is the Intercontinental champion! He must be so happy he came back!

Backstage, DX is trying to get Coach to come out of his room.

Triple H: Come on, Coach. It’s not like we hate you or anything.

Shawn Michaels: Don’t you want some camera time?

Jonathan Coachman: I have my own camera in here with me.

Shawn: Well…we’ve got cookies….

Coach: Yeah?

HHH: Big chocolatey ones. With milk!

Coach: Ha! I’m lactose intolerant!

Shawn: Dammit, Hunter.

HHH: Geez. Soooorry.

(ads)

Next week: THREE HOURS OF THIS CRAP. I can’t hardly wait!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with Jeff Hardy.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pork TenderLoin Costs Coins here, and I’m standing by with Jeff Hardy, and Jeff, I’ve gotta ask-

Jeff Hardy:

Sing a song,
Sing along,
I won a belt,
Now maybe my,
Pants will stay,
Above my waist.
Is it drafty?
Or am I…

2Xtreme?

Maria: How does it feel to be the WWE Intercontinental Champion?

Jeff: Beats jobbing to Abyss every night.

Sabu: Hey! That wasn’t that bad, I guess.

Jeff: When did you learn to talk?

Sabu: Honestly? I just forgot I couldn’t one day.

Jeff: And when did you get permission to show up on RAW?

Sabu: …you win this round, Hardy.

Maria: Hi, Xanadu! I’m going to be on your show tomorrow.

Melina: I can’t believe Johnny lost the title to this fruitcake! WAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAH!

Melina: WAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAH!

Backstage, Coach is in his office.

Jonathan Coachman: Cookies…pfft. Actually…cookies do sound kind of good right now. I’m going to see if DX is still out there.

Coach walks out.

Coach: DX? Guys? Do you still have any cookies?

Coach wanders down the hall looking for catering, when he’s suddenly stopped by a tumbleweed.

Super Crazy: Cameo appearance by Super Crazy as the Tumbleweed!

Coach: DX! Guys, I was just looking for you. Look, I’ve rethought your offer, and I’d really like some cookies.

Triple H: There’s a really good set of them, right through this door.

Shawn Michaels: There’s something fishy about this whole set up.

Coach walks into the women’s locker room.

Coach: Hello ladies! Might I could taste your cookies?

Torrie Wilson: Is that, like, a euphemism for something?

Alexis Laree: I think Raven was obsessed with cookies. Or maybe that was drugs….

HHH: Ladies, ladies, let’s pay no attention to the stupid bald man. Because I’ve got two words for you!

Crowd: Now?

Shawn: Yeah.

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Kelly Kelly: Is this ECW?

Fat Stripper: Who wants to touch my cookie hammock?

Duke The Dumpster Droese : While this segment was going on, I threw Coach in my dump truck and locked the door. So you can all shut up now.

(ads)

The Spirit Squad is backstage….

Spirit Squad Kenny: Guys, maybe we should rethink challenging Ric Flair all the time. Let’s set our sights lower.

Spirit Squad Mikey: Yeah. Much lower. Let’s fight Mitch!

Spirit Squad Mitch: You can’t fight one of your own members!

Triple H: Hi, guys. Look, we were talking to Johnny Ace and he said he wants you guys to job in a match with a lot of near falls.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, and then Road Warrior Animal is going to stop by to give you all atomic wedgies. Not for TV or anything. Just for fun.

HHH: And then we’re booking you to lose to the Dynamic Dudes, and faxing you your termination papers. Unless you dress like girls and prance for our amusement.

Shawn: Ah ah ah! Only I may prance.

Abe Orton v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Next week, Not Jamal faces Kane in a loser leaves RAW match. And I really hate to point it out, but Not Jamal is undefeated. I think RAW is going to need a lot more Kane from now on. Not Jamal, by the way, is totally rockin’ the Kansas City Royals paint tonight because he loves the Twins. Suck on that, Detroit! My sports team is less mediocre than your sports team! Anyway, the only way Abe was going to win this match is if Not Jamal’s mom had an Abe Orton, which she didn’t, so he lost.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with…ugh…Randy Orton. And Randy, I’ve got to ask you, who do you think will win? You or Carlito?

Randy Orton: First, Toddster, let me send a shoot out to my colon, Aged Organs! You almost had him, Aged! Now, on to Calico! That guy may be a legend in his own tights, but that’s why the call me Legend Kill Guy, Toddster. Because I’m the guy who does that kind of thing. I’m tired of guys like that saying things are tool. You know who is tool? Ranky Q, Morgan.

Todd: Yeah, I’d say you’re a tool. How is working for no money treating you?

Orton: Constantinople and off the red cord? I’m making more monkey on my travel bucket than you do in a year.

At that, Todd drowns himself in all the money in Randy’s travel bucket. And Orton beats up a hooker. TAKE THAT CANADA!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Randy Orton

Sadly, Trish isn’t involved anymore. She and Brooke Hogan could have had a cat fight. I wonder how shocked Carlito was when he found out she was getting married to someone who wasn’t him? Anyway, Carlito flips around for a couple minutes, but Orton isn’t having any of that nonsense, so he drops down the CHINLOCK~! on Carlito. Carlito fires back out of it, but as he’s going to set up the Back Cracker, he trips on a hair pic and falls over. ORTON WINS!

DX is standing next to the Spirit Squad’s locker room.

Triple H: Come on, guys, Johnny Ace is going to love this!

Shawn Michaels: Because there’s nothing Johnny Ace likes more than whiney boys who act like little girls.

HHH: Just ask Kid Kash!

Spirit Squad Kenny: Are you sure this is going to get us pushed again?

Shawn: Yea-

HHH: Remember the Ninth Commandment!

Shawn: Maybe.

(ads)

Spirit Squad Nicky (w/ The Spirit Squad) v. Sergeant Slaughter

The Spirit Squad is indeed dressed like girls. Take a gander at the gams on Mitch! Clearly, the Squad is looking to bounce back with the classic “fatter than Flair” strategy, but it almost immediately backfires as they forget that Slaughter used to be on G.I. Joe which is WAY more than their worthless asses have ever done. Roadblock, Lady Jaye, and Snake Eyes take out the rest of the Squad, while Slaughter nails Nicky with the Cobra Clutch for the win. Cobra Clutch? Come on, man. Meanwhile, DX plays with a thong backstage.

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Victoria
In a First Round Match in the WWE Women’s Title Tournament

DX tells Lillian to declare this a Lingerie Match, but the girls come out in their normal ring gear anyway, because…they ALWAYS wear lingerie. Even in backstage segments where they’re not doing anything but standing around! Alexis goes for the infamous “rub my crotch on your face” tactic, but Victoria has it well scouted, so she drops Alexis on her head. Then they pretty much roll around for a few seconds until Alexis pins Victoria for the win. Ladies and gentlemen: Your WWE Women’s Division.

(ads)

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is talking to Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters….

Eric Bischoff: Oh, we totally would have hired you. For, like, $30 million. And you could have all the steroids you wanted. And you probably would have beaten Booker T for the WCW title at least twice.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: I wonder if I could cook up a time machine?!

Triple H: Eric? What the hell are you doing back, man? Stalking us? You don’t work here anymore. Go hang out with Hervey and Arli$$.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, we don’t serve your kind here.

Bischoff: You guys are nothing more than a pathetic hack version of the nWo angle anyway. We ran this same show scheme with Hall and Nash instead of you guys and J.J. Dillon instead of Coach, like, 10 years ago.

Masters: I’m going to write a book about weight loss! Lots of hot tips to make your meals fun and easy!

HHH: Step one, get off the roids.

Shawn: Like you’re one to talk there, Needles.

HHH: ZING! Hey, Shawn, do you think the nWo was better than us?

Shawn: Nah, man. I was in the nWo for a while. It wasn’t that cool.

HHH: You were? When was that?

Shawn: Man, you were out injured. I tried to recruit you, remember? But the whole thing fell apart before you got back?

HHH: I seriously don’t remember any of that. That angle must have really sucked.

Shawn: Pretty much. Hahahahahahahahahaha-

HHH: Hahahahahahaha-

In an undisclosed Florida Basement….

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Kev! I think they’re going to bring us back to feud with Shawn and Hunter!

Kevin Nash: Wha? Scottie, I told you, you can crash on my couch, but don’t wake me up during nappy time!

Hall: It’s important, though! The battle of the Clique Controlled Super Groups! Who’s better, DX or the nWo?

Nash: Dude, Vincent was in the nWo. Ok? DX was way cooler.

Hall: Man, can’t you be a little excited? We’re being invited back down there!

Nash: Down where?

Hall: DOWN THERE!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Nash: Funny, we shouldn’t have been able to hear that….

Alex Shelley: Hey guys, who wants to play Monopoly Jr.?

Hall: Who the hell invited him?

(ads)

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge (w/ Lita) v. John Cena
In a Marshmallow Cage Match for the WWE Spinnin’ World Title

In case you didn’t know, Edge and Cena have had a couple different matches here and there. Every week. For what feels like the last nine years. Hopefully, this will me the most delicious blow off match ever. Lita, for those of you keeping score at home, is wearing one of her “cleavagy slutbomb” shirts (3 points!). She also has a fold of skin right above her navel that I find really distracting. Basically, these guys can’t contain themselves from licking the marshmallow bars from the bell, not that I can blame them, so we’ll see if we can’t get an actual match right after these….

(ads)

When we come back, the referees are trying to kick Lita out for attempting to light the cage on fire and make S’mores. Apparently, that’s a violation of some kind of fire statute and against the “building code” or whatever. Bunch of commies. After that settles down, Cena nails Edge with one of Lita’s gigantic novelty graham crackers and goes for the pin, which is broken up by Cade and Murdoch. Who…huh? What makes you guys think you belong out here? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because DX runs down to accuse them of secretly being Jeff Jarrett and Dustin Rhodes planning on bringing back the nWo (why I never) and while Edge is distracted by this confusing argument, Cena hits him with the FU for the win.

Next Week: Three hours of this crap as members of the ECW and Smackdown locker rooms try to appear relevant standing next to guys from RAW. Cryme Tyme gives us tips on the best juices to use with gin! And Melina and Dave share awkward silence until he presents her with a goat! You don’t want to miss it!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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