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RAW SATIRE    
Reunion after Renuion after Renuion 

October 10, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Outside the arena….

Repoman: What? No?

Mantaur: But…but…I was planning on bringing sexy back!

Friar Ferguson: Yeah! Some family reunion this turned out to be.

Irwin R. Shyster: Hahahaha! Suckers!

Repoman: Dude, was that Earthquake? I thought he died!
 

Last Week: John Cena pretty much was John Cena as he beat Edge in a 15 Foot High Marshmallow Cage! Degeneration X thought they took over the show, which is as stupid as somebody recapping the show but getting all the facts wrong. And…well…uh…I think A-Train. Was A-Train there? Oh, never mind. Maybe he’ll be there…TONIGHT!  


 
(BRAND NEW OPENING CREDITS~! FEAR the bloody cityscape! Though I have to question the sense of putting Lita in half these clips)

Here’s John Cena. Who would have guessed he would have something to say?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO!

RAW celebratin’
Season Premier!
Family Reunion,
Gang’s all here!

We got Chavo and Kennedy,
Lashley and Coach!
Styles and Tazz
New theme by Papa Roach!

I got a movie comin’ out,
Friday’s the time,
Hope it makes ten million,
This was a phat rhyme!

Anyway, I just wanted,
To bask in the glow out here,
Three hours to go,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!

Booker T: That’s right! I am! NOW CAN YOU DIG TH-

Cena: Aren’t you supposed to be all British now?

King Booker: Oh…right. Uh…Canst Thou Digest That? SUUUUUUUCKAAAAA?!

Cena: Dude, you know the World Title is just a prop. Right? I mean, the Spinnin’ Title is the only one that matters. Do they have a DVD for your title? No. And if they did? It would be nothing but HHH v. Randy Orton matches.

Booker: Whatith?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Whatith?

Sean Cold Val Venis: Whatith?

Booker: Is what this vile knave saying true?!

Queen Sharmell: I really, really, really miss working with KweeWee. A lot.

Cena: Hell, your belt means less than the friggin’ ECW title.

Big Show: Hey, don’t drag me into this. Do you know who I’m wrestling over on ECW right now? Sandman. Ok? Friggin’ Sandman. The guy doesn’t even have cool music anymore. And I’m tag teaming with Matt Striker for Christsake. Booker’s way better off than me.

Cena: Yeah? Well at least you guys are the top storylines for your show. I’m stuck behind DX and constantly feuding with Edge every week. As soon as promotion for my movie dies out? I’m going to be working Not Jamal in the opening match.

Big Show: Dude, if there’s a sequel to The Marine can you hook me up with a part? You saw me in Jingle All the Way, right? I was gangbusters in that movie!

Booker: Oh yeah? Well, I was head of music preparation for Snakes on a Plane!

Cena: That was a different “Booker T” dude.

Booker: The star of Scorpion King?

Show: Only in that parody you and Goldust did.

Booker: I was on Charmed once….

Cena: Oooooh!

Show: I m jealous!

Booker: Anyway, I guess you guys are right. This belt sucks.

Show: Nah man, my belt sucks more.

Cena: I can’t believe that my belt spins. How lame is that?

So the three champions fight it out over who’s championship is the least relevant. Big Show…uh…”wins” when Booker rolls out to ringside to bitch to Sharmell about how Stevie Ray isn’t being brought back for the nWo/DX build up, and John Cena ducks out into the crowd to celebrate with his three fans. WWE RAW/Smackdown/ECW Referees flood the ring, because a Referee Takeover angle would be awesome. Unfortunately, before WWE Smackdown Referee Nick Patrick can announce their intentions, the cameras cut to Coach’s office.

Paul Heyman: I don’t get it. You’re not really even the GM. You’re just McMahon’s sexretary.

Jonathan Coachman: Right….

Theodore Long: Hollah at me playa, why should we be feudin’ with you then? Where’s Eric Bischoff?

Heyman: Yeah! I want to ask him why he’s slowly turning into Ricky Steamboat!

Long: I feel that!

Coach: I…have no idea what’s going on. Is it too late to call off the cameos?

(ads)

We’re still in the goddamn office.

Paul Heyman: There’s really only one way around this whole thing. Let’s just book a couple crappy non-title matches with the champions and see who is the crappiest.

Theodore Long: Hollah Hollah, playa!

Jonathan Coachman: How about Big Show versus Jeff Hardy. That’s one of our guys that didn’t go over there and job to him! And as an added bonus, if Show loses to Jeff? How huge of a jobber would he be?

Heyman: I’ve got to admit, that would make him a pretty big jobber. Oh! King Booker taking on Rob Van Dam! Rob practically beat him a couple weeks ago anyway, and Rob almost jobbed to Bob Holly this week. If Booker loses to RVD, he’ll be pretty much at the same level of Bob Holly. That’s pretty goddamn terrible.

Long: I got it! I’m gonna have John Cena takin’ on The Undertaker, dawg. Buhleedat.

Coach: I don’t get it.

Heyman: How would jobbing to The Undertaker make John Cena look bad? We’re trying to make each others champions look as lame as possible.

Long: Playa, no way in hell Undertaker is showing up tonight. Hell, I can hardly get him to work on Tuesdays, trying to get him to work on Monday? Good luck, dawg. And having the champion win by countout when his opponent no-shows the main event? That’s some WCW level stupid right there.

Coach: Genius!

Heyman: I bow to your booking skill, Mr. Long.

Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon) v. Kane
In a Loser Leaves RAW Match

Kane sets off his pyro before the match, and quickly begins bawling. I’m right there with you, big guy. RAW is going to need a whole lot of Kane when you’re gone. OMG SPOILER~! Sorry. I forgot that now that Rick isn’t doing recaps, people are reading the Satires to actually find out what happened on RAW. Suddenly the arena goes dark, and ALF appears at ringside with his own commentary table. Not Jamal goes for the Thumb to the Eye, but Kane isn’t going to job to the Samoan Bulldog without a fight, so we’ll break for some….

(ads)

When we come back, Kane is in control, but he’s obviously throwing the match by going for the top rope clothesline eleven times in a row. What with variety being the spice of life and all. Or maybe that’s paprika…it doesn’t matter. Wait…is it cotton? I think maybe it’s cotton. Anyway, in short order Armando is up on the apron, and he uses a giant pepper grinder that he kept hidden in a big wood box to grind some pepper into Kane’s eyes, and while Kane is sneezing and wiping away the tears of defeat, Not Jamal hits him with the Thumb To the Teary Eye, and picks up the win. After the match, the fans give Kane a standing ovation because the dude is awesome. Kane truly is the spice of life.

Wait wait wait…I’m pretty sure it’s actually Melissa Belin. Hi, Nitro fans!

(ads)

Steve Spurrier was to appear on RAW, but here’s his Tight Ends coach instead. How you doin’ Tight Ends coach? Backstage, Kane is shuffling around….

Kane: Man, I can’t believe I lost. Wait…yeah I can. Sigh.

Rory: I’m Rory!

Roby: I’m Roby!

Rory: We just wanted to tell you that, in our 400 years on this planet we’ve never seen a screw job quite like this.

Roby: Except maybe the Tuck Rule.

Kane: I love the Patriots!

Who knew, right? Anyway Kane slams the Highlanders into some doors and then storms out of the arena.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Tough break, dude. Wanna hang out for a few minutes?

Kane: Don’t you have to get ready for your match or something?

Voice of Taker: Oh, man. Don’t tell me those assholes booked me tonight. Crap. I’ve got to go materialize I guess. Sorry, bro.

Kane: Nah. It’s cool. Give my regards to Lita.

Elsewhere backstage, DX is interviewing.

Shawn Michales: Hey, Hunter, did you know that, technically, wrestlers don’t have the authority to book a show?

Triple H: What the hell are you going on about? That’s crazy talk. We’ve done it lots of times.

Shawn: Apparently there was a memo.

HHH: Well crap. There goes…like…90% of our gimmick.

Shawn: So we here at DX would like to apologize to all the fans that thought last week’s show sucked. We shouldn’t have been allowed to pretend that we were in charge anyway, so don’t blame us.

HHH: Man, we are less cutting edge than the nWo.

In Orlando….

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Kev! They said it again! We’re back on the gravy train, man!

Kevin Nash: We never got off the gravy train, Scottie. That’s why come we’re so fat.

Hall: Aw, come on! Can’t you be at least a little bit excited? We’re probably gonna main event Survivor Series!

Nash: Dude, do you know how much effort it would take to get down there?

Hall: Down where?

Nash: DOWN THERE! Hahahahaha…Seriously though. To the ring. I ain’t walkin’ that.

Alex Shelley: Who wants to play Scabble?!

Hall: Man, quit inviting this guy over!

Shelley: SUCK IT!

Back in South Carolina….

HHH: Funny, we shouldn’t have been able to hear that….

Jeff Hardy is walking around backstage. Hopefully he can find the ring before the end of these….

(ads)

Jeff Hardy v. The Big Show

Sadly this match isn’t for either man’s title. Jeff flops in Show’s general direction, but Show isn’t having any of that, so he kicks Jeff in the face. Meanwhile, Styles and Tazz are arguing about whether or not Show’s boobs are big enough to qualify him for the Strip Poker tournament. When did they stop listing him at 7’2” anyway? Seriously, it’s not that big a reach, and billing him at 7’0” doesn’t do anything for him really. Anyway, Jeff hits him with the Swanton, but that’s pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever, so Show just pins him anyway. And then, when Johnny Nitro tries to piggyback on Show’s pop, Show smacks him around too. Everybody try not to laugh when Tazz and Joey say Show is unstoppable! Seriously, I swear Funaki’s got a win on the guy.

(ads)

This is only Hour Two?! Oh God, I’m going to die….

DX is out.

Triple H: Hey, Shawn! You know what the mascot for South Carolina is?

Shawn Michaels: Oh Lord, here we go. What’s that, Hunter?

HHH: The Gamecock! And you know what that means?

Shawn: No. I have no idea.

HHH: Gamecocks are a type of bird! And young birds are sometimes called chicks! And I like chicks, so let’s get ready to….

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Shawn: Remarkable composure on your part.

HHH: What do you mean?

Shawn: You passed on the obvious joke. Cocks…are, like, you know? Penises. Like with the Foghorn Leghorn thing? And you are The Game. So “Gamecocks” could just as easily describe your penis. Or multiple versions of it. As an example, you could have made this joke, “I hear Stephanie is a big fan of the Gamecock.”

HHH: Hahahahaha! You said it! Not me!

Jesus: I’m very disappointed in you Shawn.

Shawn: Doh!

Degeneration X v. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
Come as You Are, As You Were Street Fight

Cade comes doused in mud and soaked in bleach, which is a nice change of pace. Murdoch by they way? Should always wear a shirt. Unless his new gimmick is going to be “Chumbly Wumbly” Trevor Murdoch. Which it should be. Anyway, Cade and Murdoch get some token “Hey, that’s my student there, let’s give him a rub, Hunter!” offense in the first three seconds of the match, before Shawn and Triple H turn things around and eventually plant Cade with both a Superkick and a Pedigree. Who says they’re not pushing the tag division?

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with the “Innovator of Breakfast” Edge.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with the “Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, and Edge, I’ve got to ask you, what are your plans for tonight?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Well, I thought I’d hit up Wendy’s for some late night grub, go back to the hotel room, do some Sudoku…maybe get a movie or something. Depends on what they have. I’ve seen The Sentinel, like, twelve times. And it’s not even really that good….

Grisham: No. I meant on the show.

Edge: I’m bringing back the Cutting Edge tonight, Todd! And you’ll never guess who my interviewee is going to be! Come on, try to guess!

Grisham: I don’t really care. It just better not be Randy Orton.

Edge: Ahh…ha…ha.

Grisham: It’s Randy Orton isn’t it?

Edge: Well, that’s the funny thing…you see-

Todd grabs his necktie and hangs himself from a locker. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin is out.

Shelton Benjamin: What the hell? They booked this show to be three hours and we’re still coming in a match short? That’s just ridiculous. Oh well, trot out somebody for me to job to. Is Mantaur still back there?

Shelton Benjamin v. Chris Benoit

The charisma from this match is just scintillating. Ok, in all seriousness, it’s nice to see Benoit back. I certainly prefer him to a sharp stick in the eye or the redebut of Flash Funk. The high entertainment of this match, however, comes when the announcers start screaming at each other. I thought for a second JBL was going to jump over the Smackdown announce table and bitchslap ALF. For his part, Lawler can only wonder aloud why neither of these guys have valets so he has something to talk about. Benoit wins with a crossface.

Backstage, the GMs (and sexretary) are feeling chatty again.

Theodore Long: See that out there? That’s why Smackdown is the crown jewel of WWE, playa!

Paul Heyman: What are you drawing every week? 2.5s? Hell, Veronica Mars is almost doing that. The only thing your show is the crown jewel of is CW’s “Not Quite Cancelled List.”

Jonathan Coachman: Guys! Here’s somebody who’s worked for all the brands. Surely he can settle this dispute!

Super Crazy: Sup?

Coach: Crazy? Aren’t you having a blast on RAW? Isn’t this the flagship of WWE Programming?

Crazy: I guess it’s kind of fun to beat Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters all the time. And it is the flagship show of WWE. But that’s like saying that taking a big old crap is the flagship activity of going to the bathroom, if you catch my meaning.

Heyman: Crazy! I brought you in from Mexico! I made you a superstar! Come on, ECDub! ECDub! Right?

Crazy: That crap on Tuesday nights isn’t ECW, Paul. And besides, you still owe me, like, fifty grand, man.

Heyman: Never mind.

Long: What about Smackdown, Playa? We gave you your WWE debut! Home of the cruiserweights, buhleedat!

Crazy: Dude, the cruisers never wrestle on Smackdown. And I never got to have any my big blow off matches. No, your show sucks too.

Coach: So what show is the best?

Crazy: Probably Internet Heat.

Coach: I can’t believe I got jobbed to Val Venis. Super Crazy, go to hell.

Crazy: Ay dios mio!

Heyman: You speak Spanish?!

(ads)

Chavo Guerrero, William Regal and Fit Finlay (w/ Vickie Guerrero and The Leprechaun) v. Bobby Lashley, Rey Misterio and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

With the exception of Kerwin, Regal and Dave, I have no idea who any of these people are. And who the hell was the styling genius who decided to make Vickie Guerrero over into Stephanie McMahon Circa 2001? If she breaks out the hoop belts and the unitards I’m out of here. I guess she has the rack for it, but still…Was that in bad taste? I can’t even tell any more. I suppose if I were Matt Striker I’d get yelled at for it. Dave is so excited to be back on RAW he spontaneously goes through puberty and grows a beard. Aw, my little Davey’s all growed up!

(ads)

Chavo and Rey are still battling it out when we come back. Meanwhile, outside the ring Regal and the Leprechaun are engaged in a cutthroat game of Chutes and Ladders. How do you suppose the Leprechaun got to the arena this week anyway? Little tunnels under the ring that go to every arena right? The Stacker 2 Bees are at least the same size as the little guy! After a couple minutes, Dave tags in and beats up Finlay and then nails Chavo with the OSPREY BOMB~! Rey goes up for the Frogsplash and that’s that. I forgot how horrible Rey’s frogsplash is. And I still have no idea who Bobby Lashley is, because he spent the entire match staring blankly at Tazz for some reason. Maybe he’s really into orange hankies. Maybe that’s his thing. I’ll have to watch Smackdown this week to find out.

(ads)

Moolah and Mae are out to say hello to everyone. Mae looks like she’s about 340 years old, but she does have one of those stylish walkers with little tennis balls on the bottom. You go, girl!

In other news, John Cena went to Real Marine School to show how being in a movie called The Marine qualifies you to scale walls. Maybe we can ship him over to North Korea. Do they like lame raps?

Elsewhere, King Booker and Queen Sharmell are complaining.

King Booker: Remember when I said that I wished we were back on RAW when I first got moved to Smackdown? Now I remember why. People are actually watching this show.

Queen Sharmell: I don’t know. I kind of like Smackdown. Reminds me of WCW! It’s kind of homey, you know? Do you suppose Krystal and Ashley would want to become Nitro Girls?

Booker: Hell no. I’m not going to be DDP to your Kim Page. Besides, if you’re supposed to be a Queen you shouldn’t be doing no stupid dance offs. Besides, I was champion during that time in WCW, remember? I swear I wrestled in front of eight guys one night at a Thunder taping. Never again!

Sharmell: Still, I kind of miss the Harlem Heat music.

Booker: Me too, baby. Me too.

Sharmell: Ice Ice Ice! Cold Cold Cold!

Melina makes her way to the ring. Notice: Nitro isn’t with her. No dude wants to be ringside for a women’s match. And don’t give me any of that “Oh, Big Show hurt him!” nonsense. If Melina got taken out by Victoria or something? She’d still have to make Nitro’s match. She’d just be limping or something.

(ads)

Melina v. Torrie Wilson
In a Diva’s Lumberjack Match in the First Round of the WWE Women’s Title Tournament

The Lumberjacks are Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Krystal, Ashley, Boobsie McTitsalot, and Maria. Trinity by the way is wearing a get-up made entirely of yellow caution tape, which is pretty much the laziest costume idea since I went as a toilet paper mummy my sophomore year of college. So after this match, we’re left with…Maria and Lillian, right? That’ll be a great match! Anyway, the lumberjacks aren’t particularly effective at anything but standing around on the outside and trying to get the camera to focus on them instead of the match, so hardly anybody notices when Melina rolls up Torrie for the win. Afterwards, everybody decides that it’d be fun for Torrie to give Krystal the Stinkface, so she does. Welcome to 2001 night on RAW!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell)

RVD, sadly, is not here to build a wall. Neither of these guys are even ON RAW. Man this whole night is just really confusing. Anyway, the first twenty minutes or so of this one is nothin’ but kicks. I think the first one to throw a punch was Sharmell. And she was punching the announcers to try to get them to shut the hell up. Thanks, princess. Er…I mean, Queen. Anyway, before Tazz can lock her in the Tazzmission, Sharmell turns her attention back to the match where she’s just in time to trip RVD up and give the win to Booker T. To celebrate, Booker punts Lawler’s crown into the crowd.

(ads)

What time is it?! Cryme Tyme! Cryyyyyyyme Tyyyyyyyme! Cryyyyyyyyyyyyyme Tyyyyyyyyyyyme!

Shad Gaspard: Yo, homey! You know what? We debut next week on RAW!

JTG: Just in time for the Satireversary!

Shad: What the hell are you talkin’ about?

JTG: I have…no idea why I just said that.

Shad: You know how I think we should work out? By having pretend sex with women!

JTG: Word?

Shad: Hells yeah, homey!

JTG: But won’t that get us in trouble? Remember Hot Coffee? Or Katie Vick?

Shad: Plus, who’s going to think of the shorties? Man, this was a bad plan.

JTG: Word.

Here’s Spirit Squad Mitch?!

Spirit Squad Mitch: I know what you’re all thinking. “Here’s Spirit Squad Mitch?!” Well, yeah. It turns out that even though I completely and totally suck as a wrestler, I’m going to be the one to take on Ric Flair here on the RAW Family Reunion.

Spirit Squad Kenny: Armageddon is upon us!

Spirit Squad Mikey: Actually, Kenny, Armageddon is a place. So unless the Hill of Megiddo is flying towards us, I think you mean “The End of Days” is upon us.

Spirit Squad Johnny: That movie sucked. Can you believe they had the XFL in that flick? Lame!

Spirit Squad Nicky: Actually, you’re thinking of the other Schwarzenegger vehicle The Sixth Day. They both sucked balls though.

S.S. Mitch: So, you guys are going to be there to help me out, right?

S.S. Kenny, Mikey, Nicky, and Johnny: Hell no!

Backstage, Vince McMahon has joined the GM Conference.

Vince McMahon: What’s going on, guys?

Paul Heyman: Welcome back, Mr. McMahon! It’s a real pleasure to see you up and about!

Theodore Long: Hollah at me, dog!

Vince: Right. So how is everybody’s brands doing tonight?

Heyman: Great. RVD lost, but what else is new? At least Big Show won. And we found a way to keep Dreamer off the show.

Long: Playa, things couldn’t be goin’ better for Smackdown! We got Undertaker later tonight, we got King Booker beatin’ RVD, and not only that, but we got the hottest six man on RAW since last week’s six man, buhleedat!

Jonathan Coachman: RAW is doing great tonig-

Vince: What the hell are you doing here? You’re not the GM! You’re just my sexretary.

Heyman: We’ve been trying to tell him that all night.

Long: Buhleedat.

Vince: Never mind, that. How about this? At WWE Cyber Sunday we have King Booker taking on John Cena taking on Big Show to see who is the real WWE Champion!

Long: That’s a terrible idea. You’re just going to devalue two of the brands doin’ that! Probably Smackdown and ECW, too. Which takes away from our bottom line, the dollah dollah bill, y’all!

Heyman: Yeah. What, am I supposed to be happy that you’re going to job out my brand for the John Cena push?

Coach: And “Cyber Sunday” is a terrible name for a Pay Per View. Better than “Taboo Tuesday,” I guess…but still. Just awful.

Vince: Aw…shut up.

(ads)

Hey, it’s the premier of The Marine! Was that Laura Swisher?! WTF?!

Spirit Squad Mitch (w/ The Spirit Squad) v. Ric Flair (w/ Rowdy Roddy Piper, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, Irwin R. Shyster, and Arn Anderson)

Unfrigginbelievable. No, not that they decided to drag all those guys out of mothballs for Flair (Money, money, money money, moneeeeeeey hahahaha!) but that they’re also going to let S.S. Mitch wrestle a singles match. Old Men Inc. chases the Spirit Squad from ringside with the threat that Arn will pull a pair of safety scissors on them, and Flair beats Mitch with the Figure Four in short order. After the match, the Hills of Megiddo descend on the ring! OH NO! ARMOIRE GETTIN’ IS UPON US! Er…wait…that’s just IRS and DiBiase coming into the ring to celebrate. Seriously though, more like Mike Rotund, right? Right? Oh, never mind. Piper still looks better than he has in years. The celebration is short lived, however, because it’s well past these men’s bed times.

(ads)

It’s time for the Cutting Edge with Edge and Lita. I wonder who their guest will be!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: It’s time for the Cutting Edge, with Edge and Lita, and I know you’re all wondering who my guest will be, but first, I’m going to show you all how to make Chocolatey Bacon Crepes that-

Lita: Maybe you should just cut to the chase, sweetie.

Edge: Fine. Here’s Orton.

HEY!

Randy Orton: Thanks for inviting me on your shoe, Ed! I can’t waif to try your choppity bagel crate!

Edge: That’s not why I called you out here, Randy. I called you out here to ask you what the hell happened to your career? Back when you were with Evolution, you were the top dawg, the World Champion. But ever since then, you’ve been jobbing all the time, suspended, hell, you were even on Smackdown for a while.

Orton: I must make admittance, Eddie, my car’s ear has been on a bit of a downtoward spinal, lately. I lost my dear Broke, and I’ve been suspended for being a dork and for position of married Ghana! But no more! I’m redeligating myself to be the Legend Kill Guy I have always become, before I was!

Edge: Right…but I was thinking, that lately, I’ve been screwed a lot by DX too…and since we’ve both got nothing to do on Cyber Sunday-

Orton: I’m one set ahead of you, Edgar! And it would be my horror to restful you at WWE RAW Pretense Cyber Sexy!

Lita: I think Edge is trying to say you and he should team up to fight DX on the PPV.

Orton: Oh. I guess that makes pence.

Mantaur: Lita! I still love you!

Lita: Heh…heh…Security?

So Edge, Orton and Lita pose while Security guards tazer Mantaur.

(ads)

John Cena v. The Undertaker

I love how the announcers sell this like it’s never happened before. John Ritter knows different! Taker, of course, looks like he’d much rather be playing shuffleboard than in the ring with John Cena. Maybe now that Kane’s retired they can get a Shuffleboard Club together. It’s not like Paul Bearer is doing anything. It can be a family event. The match lasts all of ten seconds before they start going through their finishers, and Big Show and Booker run down to break it up. Cena wins by DQ! Everybody wins! Except Orton, I guess. Nobody fell over. Taker dematerializes as Cena, Booker, and Show slug it out. Cena locks Big Show in the STFU, and then hits Booker with the FU. Suck on that Smackdown and ECW! You guys suck!

Next Week: Join me as I celebrate the Birthday of the RAW Satire. Special Guests include Triple H, “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, and probably some clowns or pony rides or something. Also? Cake. Be there.

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Hey, Dave! What’s goin’ on, buddy? Playin’ a little Odell Lake?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am having illicit conversations with my CONGRESSMAN!

Ric Flair: No! Dave! WOO! Don’t make me take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

Batista: But I have no FRIENDS!

Randy Orton: Yeah. It must be heart for you to mark friends with myself, Tickle H, and The Navel Boy here on RAW and you over on Snacktown!

Batista: I hate SNACKTOWN!

HHH: You know what, guys? Forget DX. Tonight, Evolution rides in style! What do you say?

Batista: YAY!

Flair: WOO!

Orton: I’d really love to, but I have other condiments….

Orton leaves the backstage area to the parking lot.

Orton: I’m here!

Tazz: Hey, bucket head! We were just talkin’ about you, brotha!

Chavo Guerrero: It’s good to have the five of us all in one place again.

Chris Benoit: I missed you guys.

Tazz: No doubt.

Tommy Dreamer: Oh, Mr. Benoit, I’m going to cry!

Chavo: It’s too bad Eddie couldn’t be here.

Benoit: Yeah….

Orton: Or Chris Tian or Jericho.

Dreamer: Who?

Chris Jericho: What did you think I’d miss this? Hell no. VH1 couldn’t drag me away! How you guys doin’? Ever since we threw the one title in the trash at Wrestlemania, I totally forgot to keep in touch.

Benoit: You came!

Chris Tian: Me too. Screw TNA. Tonight is about family. And you guys are my family.

Tazz: Not to be insensitive or nothin’, but didn’t you die before you did anything important in that story?

Flair: Orton?! Randy WOO BY GOD ORTON?! Where’d you…go…?

Benoit: Ooooh. Awkward! Sorry we didn’t invite you, Ric.

Tian: Oh great. I only brought six Lord of the Reign mugs….

Dreamer: Excuse me guys….

Tommy walks outside.

Rob Van Dam: About time you showed up.

Dreamer: I was delayed. Sorry.

RVD: Yeah! All Right!!

The Mountie: I swear I’m going to arrest you all if he doesn’t show up soon.

RVD: He’ll show.

Dreamer: He won’t. He can’t, Rob.

Lance Storm: What am I? The Great Pumpkin?

RVD: LANCE!!!

Mountie: Mr. Storm!

Dreamer: I don’t believe it.

Storm: It’s good to see you guys too. And it just so happens that I rented a car, and I’ve got a good lead on a certain jade gopher we’ve been looking for.

Dreamer: Shotgun!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Mountie: Mantaur?

Mantaur: Hop on!

The End….

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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