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RAW SATIRE    
Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Boogeyman   

October 31, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H forgot how to hold down Randy Orton and accidentally jobbed. Booker T lost his right to be black by hanging out with Kevin Federline. And Jeff Hardy was a dance machine. Who will become a machine…TONIGHT?! 
 
(Opening Credits)

Ooooh baby do you know what that’s worth? Ooooh The Cutting Edge is a show on RAW. And it’s on…RIGHT NOW!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: ‘Sup dudes? It’s my birthday, so I hope you all brought me a cake. Just one cake, though. I don’t want to eat 10,000 other, smaller cakes. That’s the royal “you all.”

 
Randy Orton:
Epps! I have broasted you a rake! Here, would you like a splice?

Edge: You actually put frosting on a rake. Wow. I don’t know if I should give you credit for correctly predicting your own malapropism, or be pissed at you for innovating just about the worst breakfast ever.

Orton: Conflabulate me for connectly persisting my own mallard duckisms.

Edge: I just threw up a little. Anyway, Randy here beat Triple H last week, which shocked the hell out of just about everybody. Sure we cheated, but still. Whatever. Here’s some potential referees.

Look out WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, because here comes Eric Bischoff, Jonathan Coachman, and Vince McMahon. All right! Play Coach’s music! For about two seconds. Booo!

Eric Bischoff: Vote for me because, I’ve got a new book out, and I need to pimp it somewhere. Plus, you know very well that if you vote for me they’re bringing back the nWo with me as the manager, and Lord knows I need the money, and you guys need a reason to wear your 9 year old T-Shirts.

In Orlando….

Kevin Nash: Scotty what’re you doing?

Scott Hall: Voting 700 times for Bischoff! We’re getting the band back together, Kev!

Nash: Man, it sucks whenever we do that. Remember the Silver and Black? Or the last time with Shawn and Booker?

Hall: Nah, the last 10 years are a giant booze haze for me.

Nash: I hear that!

Stevie Ray: Fruit Booty! Them Yaks is gonna fight, Tony!

Tony Schiavone: This is the greatest Yak Fight in the history of fighting yaks, folks!!!

Alex Shelley: Trick or treat! What are you handing out this year?

Schiavone: SURGE!

Nash: Tony! Pipe dow-

Schivone: SUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGGEEEE!

Nash: ….

Back in the ring….

Coach: Fans should vote for me because I think it’s about time the WWE had an African-American referee. Don’t you think so? Also, I’m against the illegal immigration of superstars from lesser shows coming to RAW.

AJ Styles Dressed as Spirit Squad Mitch: Yeah! You tell ‘em, Coach!

Coach: Aren’t you AJ Styles?

Styles: Err…Happy Halloween! Yoink!

Coach: Uh…Have a nice time. Who the hell is AJ Styles anyway?

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I’m not particularly interested in being the referee. In fact, I think being a referee SUCKS!

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton: Tell me about it. Nice Elvis costume by the way, what is that a year rental?

Vince: SHUT UP! Besides booking Triple H against Orton with Edge as a stupid referee, I’m here to say that I think this whole match is a sham! What if my main home boy John Cena loses the WWE Spinnin’ title in the match, huh? Did anybody ever think about that?!

Coach: To be fair, you were the one who booked that match.

Vince: Yeah, well I’m not the one who jobbed…to…ECW?

Coach: Yeah. You really got me there, Vince.

Vince: So tonight, I brought Big Show and Booker T….

Coach: To book a fun-fun, silly-willy handicapped match?

Vince: Nope, to put you against them in a Diva Search!

The Miz: That’s right, folks! So go online now to Divaspalooza.wwe.net or dial it up on your cellular phones by texting the word “Nougat” to 81381387 and pressing the star symbol six times, the pound sign six times, and the number six seven times to…ROCK LIKE SATAN!!!!!!

Satan: Did somebody say C-List Celebrity cameo?

Miz: That’s right, so vote on what outfit you want to see the contestants in! King Booker as G.I. Bro? Big Show as one of the communist pigs from Animal Farm? Oh! Or Jonathan Coachman as Lara Croft from Tomb Raider? I know you love that!!! HOOO-RAH!!!

Vince: That’s the gist of it anyway.

(ads)

Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool

Nitro and Melina are Greasy K-Fed and fat Britney, of course, Shelton is his Mama, and Carlito is Trish Stratus. Aw, absence makes the heart grow fonder. While the match is going on, Jerry Lawler (The King) is surfing Divaspalooza.wwe.net. That’s more productive than usual out of him anyway. All these guys are on the “Who Will Take on Jeff Hardy” ballot, by the way. Shelton Benjamin notes that there ain’t no stoppin’ him from getting your votes…NAH! Well, nothing except for him not having been on TV for a month leading up to this match. Is this match even still going on? I still can’t get over how stupid Melina’s get up is. Unless she starts dressing like a naughty school girl or something. With horrible makeup. Carlito wins when Shelton gets tangled up in his hair.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and John Cena is going to rap. Go to it, loser.

John Cena: Hi, Todd. I’ve just baked a tray of delicious muffins! Would you like to sample one or two?

Grisham: You’re not going to do a stupid rap?

Cena: I’m past that phase, Todd. Please. Ask of me your questions.

Grisham: John Cena, tonight you have three possi-

Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!! YOOOOO!

K-Fed’s album is about to drop,
It’s so bad my ears bleedin’,
Nobody buyin’ tickets,
K-Fed raps like Michael Keaton.

Booker, Big Show, in a match against me?
Or how about Coach in the ring,
The fans get to vote!
Who gets to fight Sting!

Oh wait, that’s in TNA,
Where the boys go to prance,
I’m a loaded gun,
The got a load in their pants!

But none of that matters,
I’m dressed up like King Lear!
Halloween is coming,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!!!

Grisham: King Lear? I thought that was supposed to be Tupac.

Cena: Yo, man, it’s the New School King Lear. Kizzing, Lizzear.

Grisham: I see!

Todd Grisham drinks the arsenic. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….

Torrie Wilson: That boobs costume totally fits your personality.

Boobsie McTitsalot: And my boobs! Thanks! Your boobs look great in those boobs too.

Torrie: I’m actually supposed to be Dorthy. With the little dog? Get it?

Boobsie: Vote for boobs! Wooo!

Torrie: Carlito! You’re over Trish, right?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Despite what this costume may tell you, yes. I stole this from Alexis.

Torrie: Great! Let’s get out of here.

Carlito: Wanna get drunk and bob for Carlito’s apples!

Torrie: You know it!

Billy Kidman (Dressed as…No Wait…He IS a Cotton Candy Salesman): Hey!

(ads)

Lita v. Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool)
In a Semifinal Match in the WWE Women’s Title Tournament

Lita is dressed as Edge while Maria has a lip piercing, Is really skinny, and has poofy hair. So fans get to vote on the stipulations of the final match of the tourney but there’s nothing cool. No paddles on a pole, or first Diva to show her huge fake titties wins stip. What kind of women’s division are they running here? Alexis Laree is on commentary, as Raven, and taking a page out of his hand book, she immediately launches into a diatribe about how TNA management is holding her back. Better than listening to J.R. and Lawler, I guess. Or Kornheiser and Theisman. Egh. Lita wins when everybody realizes that Maria isn’t a real wrestler. I wonder how Edge feels about all this.

(ads)

Big Show is backstage shadowboxing, and accidentally knocks himself out. Well, that’s embarrassing.

Triple H v. Nobody
With Special Guest Referee “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge

Wait, don’t tell me Edge and Orton were smart enough to lobby for separate entrances, but too stupid to not asked to be both introduced first. Sigh. Triple H, of course, asks Edge if he’s ready for the PEDIGREE TO EDGE?! Edge is not, but that doesn’t stop HHH from hitting it.

(ads)

Triple H v. Randy Orton

Hunter, by the way, is dressed as Shannon Moore. Orton is wearing a slice of pear. Orton is, of course, flabbergasted, because Edge is usually pretty good at making people fall over when he wants. Hunter takes advantage of this and beats the crap out of Orton for a while. Oh man, we’ve all been there, Hunter. Believe me. After Orton briefly wrests control away from my remote with a CHINLOCK~!, Edge finally recovers enough to come in and Spear Triple H. Which, of course, only serves as reason for Hunter to slide out of the ring, grab his sledgehammer and start knocking chairs at Orton and Edge. What a completely random series of events. The winner is…Orton. Because one of those chairs totally fell over.

(ads)

Booker T (as Golddust) is backstage warming up for the match he won’t be in while Queen Sharmell does a dance routine for the New Nitro Girls that are sure to be heating up Friday Nights on UPN. After all, look at how well Dancing with the Stars is doing! Maybe Kristen Bell can guest star as Nitro Girl Pyxy. Screw this, let’s watch football.

The Monday Night Football Announcer Race is more competitive than this game. Sigh. Alas my poor Vikings.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Eugene v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Speaking of poor Vikings, that’s exactly what Duggan and Eugene are dressed as. I think they got their costumes at Wal-Mart or something. Armando is dressed up as Ric Flair with a bad Cuban accent, and Totally Not Jamal is dressed up as Jamal. I was going to be Jamal this year, but I couldn’t find a fat suit fat enough. Unfortunately I already paid for the rental, so I guess I’m going as Louie Anderson. For whatever it’s worth, I’m going with The Sandman. I want to see him get beat up by a fat Samoan guy while a sort of Cuban guy breaks cigars at him, that’s the only thing ECW was lacking there at the end. Not Jamal pins Duggan when Eugene refuses to participate in the match due to Ted DiBiase’s firing. Then Not Jamal pokes him in the eye anyway for being an internet dork.

(ads)

Backstage, Eric Bischoff and Coach are talking.

Eric Bischoff: So what the hell are you supposed to be anyway?

Jonathan Coachman: Come on, man! I’m 1997 The Rock! You know? Do you smell what the Coach is cookin’?

Bischoff: Yeah…Heh. Good one. After he sucked so much people hated him, but before he sucked so much people loved him. You really have your pulse on The Rock.

Coach: I can’t really blame you for going as Ricky Steamboat.

Bischoff: I didn’t buy a costume! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Ron Simmons: Hey, Ricky! Hey, Rock. I still haven’t forgiven you for giving me that picture of yourself.

Ron Simmons throws Coach through a door.

Bischoff: Roman centurion! Love it!

(ads)

Here’s Ric Flair dressed as Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon.

Ric Flair: WOOOO! That’s right! The Nature Boy! I’m out here to style and profile and to introduce the three men who are vying to be the transitional tag team champions with me until we job out to Cryme Tyme! WOO! And I’m gonna take all their old ladies for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOOO!

Sergeant Slaughter: Listen up, MAGGOTS! I am going to beat YOU! We will win the Tag Team TITLES!

Flair: Good promo, Sarge!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Hey! Let me tell you guys something. You’ve all got the sickness. What are we? 60? And we’re still out here? We can’t quit! And one of these days, man, one of these days this business is going to kill us, and then who’ll be laughing? Man, I’ve been up and down these roads, and I’ve done a lot of things, man, but let me-

Flair: WOO! That’s the best Bret Hart costume ever, Rowdy By God Roddy Piper! WOOO!

Piper: Aw, shucks.

Dusty Rhodes: Havaleebadoo, Mister Flair! We gonna take the Spirit Squad to tha moth ship, if youba wheeeeeeeeel!

Flair: I don’t get it, Dust, why does your Fat Albert costume have a Mushmouth hat?

Slaughter: Can I have your AUTOGRAPH?!

Flair: Hey, wait a second! Is that Dave Davidson in that Sgt. Slaughter costume?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Vote for DAVE!

Flair begs off.

(ads)

With Todd Grisham too dead to interview them, Cryme Tyme (dressed as The Gangstas), trick or treat themselves a new TV and Todd Grisham’s dead corpse. Oh, can somebody say Weekend at Bernie’s 3?!

Cryme Tyme (w/ Todd Grisham Dressed as Bernie) v. Viscera and Charlie Haas

Viscera is the Great Pumpkin and Charlie is Linus. Aw. That’s sweet. Haas is in the ring waiting for Viscera to tag, but it’s taking forever, so he invites Lillian Garcia (as Lucy) to join him. Finally, they fall asleep and JTG and Shad pin them for the win. After the match, Viscera finally comes into the ring to complain, but he gets shot down by the Red Baron. Sigh. Every year this happens, Vis. Maybe you should start wearing a bullet proof vest or something.

(ads)

Todd Grisham’s Marionetted Body is standing by with Triple H.

JTG: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with my home boy, Triple H. Wassup, H-Trip?

Triple H: Todd, you ok? You sound kind of weird today.

Shad: Yeah, dawg. I gots me a mad cold, yo. I been drinkin’ all this cough syrup though.

JTG: Word. Sippin’ on cough syrup and juice, baby!

HHH: Ok. If you say so. Anyway, I just want to put Edge and Orton on notice, you’re not just messing with Triple H and Shawn Michaels! You’re messing with the whole DX army!

JTG: Yo, you boys just got served, yo!

Shad: Bring back X-Pac up in this biatch!

HHH: Hahahaha, no, that’s ok, Todd. You’re kind of drooling your liver there, by the way. Uh…Ok. Well, if you’re not down with DX, I got TWO WORDS FOR YA!

Shad: FO SHIZZLE!

JTG: Yo, you can’t say that on TV, dawg. Censorship!

Shad: Man, (beep) that motha(beep) bull(beep)!

HHH: Man, what’s gotten into you today, Todd?

Kane: I know, he’s kinda sexy right now, right?

HHH: If only he were plastic.

JTG: Yo, that’s our cue to leave this wreck.

Shad: A pleasure to meet you, gentlemen. Kane, RAW has needed more you.

Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: Why do they want me to dress up as B-Squared? This poll makes no sense.

King Booker: This gold face paint is itchy. I voted to let you wrestle Cena dressed as the Puppet from SAW. Maybe you can make him cut off his nose or something.

Big Show (dressed as Fat Jesus): I ate my computer.

Paul Heyman: I don’t believe you!

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman v. John Cena

Booker and Show add to the commentary by discussion Coach’s wrestling lineage. Didn’t he beat the crap out of Tajiri once? That was the best match ever. If I could give it seven stars, I would. But I can only give it eight. ********. This match isn’t nearly as good. Coach can’t carry Cena. Cena hit’s the FU and the STFU for the win. It sucks because I voted for The Boogeyman to be in this match. What a waist of $.99. Actually, I lied. I didn’t even watch this show until the voting was over. Sorry to break your hopes and dreams.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Vote for the commentary team for Cyber Sunday! My vote is for Howler Monkey and Kevin Kelly! John Cena defends the Spinnin’ World Title against Booker T and Big Show! And loses it to Dusty Rhodes somehow! And the puppet from Saw makes Stevie Ray pull Tony Schiavone’s hair extensions out! How brutal!

Happy Halloween!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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