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RAW SATIRE    
Of Birthdays and SAG Points   

November 24, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: RAW was LIVE from England, which, as always, meant more “u”s than you could possibly handle. Also, DX and Cryme Tyme sold all the tickets to Ashlee Simpson’s last performance in Chicago and bought themselves a PS3. Not Coach though, he wanted a Wii. Who will buy a game console before Christmas…TONIGHT?! 
 
Hey, it’s my birthday on Friday. You know what would make an awesome present (besides a PS3?)…Some APPLE DOUGH!! And hey, it’s Team John Cena (John Cena, Sabu, Rob Van Dam, Bobby Lashley, Kane, and a Duck) and they’re in the ring. RAW needed more Kane tonight, so…thank God, you know? I wonder if Rob and Sabu drove here tonight….  

 
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOOOO!

Survivor Series,
Cena’s team like a beast!
We got Rob and Sabu,
If they avoid the police!

Lashley new to ECW,
Couldn’t stand Smackdown
You can’t blame him though,
He was gonna job to Monty Brown!

My team needed more Kane,
So here he is on my team!
Gonna take out MVP,
While the duck wipes the ring clean!

The Voice of the Undertaker:

My brother can’t be on RAW,
He lost that match to Not Jamal!
Get him off the show,
Before Vince McMahon I call!

Cena:

Look who it is!
The continuity cop!
Taker rappin’ now?
When can we stop?

Voice of Taker:

You know when John,
The answer is clear,
As soon as you say,

Cena:

THE CHAMP IS-

Duck:

QUACK!
UndeHEYeverydayhascometoshineI’mgonnatakeitbeeeeeeeeeHEY!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Man…that rKo music really sucks. Who’s idea was that?

Randy Orton: It was I, Ranky Q. Morgan, who resticked our music! I bought a new iPac and cut a hot snack!

Edge: Somehow, I’m not surprised. What I am surprised at is my delicious new Teddy Grahams cereal. Teddy Grahams and milk. It’s a taste sensation. Who knew?

Suga Shane Helms: Man, we’ve been doin’ that for years. Hell, Matt and Jeff and I lived off that stuff for years back in the day.

Edge: Man, OMEGA really sucked, huh?

Shane: Hahaha, yeah. We all had Lita before you though.

Edge: Aren’t you supposed to be “Gregory” anyway?

Mike Knox: Hi, I’m Mike Knox!

Edge: Wait…who? Randy, did you pick our team?

Orton: I syrupy did, Elf! I picked Rectory Helm based on the fork that I lolled him as the Novocain! And My Cocks here because DX is a phrase of cocks! Plus, his golfer friend Kevin Kelly is hot! Our other parser is Jimmy Neutron with his gal Melba!

Edge: Nitro? Nitro is our other partner? Oh God, our Survivor Series team really sucks.

Johnny Nitro: Did…did he just call me Jimmy Neutron?

Melina: I loved that show.

Orton: I’ll make admittance, I porked our team mostly on the quantity of their valets.

Ric Flair: Woooo! And I’ll take all their old ladies for rides on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOOO! Because I’m the leader of Team Naaaaaaaature Boy! Dusty By God Rhodes! Sergeant By God Slaughter! Arn By God Anderson! And whoever we can get to fly in at the last minute to replace Piper! WOO!

Spirit Squad Kenny: That’s great, Naitch, but…um…you’re fighting us, Sunday. You know? The Spirit Squad? You know? With Nicky? Mikey? Johnny? Mitch? Do you remember Mitch? Anybody? Man…I hate this stable. Sigh.

Shawn Michaels: Ooooh, what’s going on out here? A bunch of random appearances? I’m down with that! Hey, look everybody! I’m on TV!

Triple H: Hey, Shawn, who the hell is on our team this year? The Hardy Boyz? C.M. Punk?! Who the hell is that? How Indy is that name? Jesus, we’re working with a bunch of amateurs here, Shawn.

Shawn: Look, I went down the roster and it was either Punk or Jim Duggan.

HHH: Egh.

Jeff Hardy:

It was me!
I was Willie!
Sick of being held down!
By you, Triple H!
Hate!
My hate for you burns!
Like a passion inside.
Unfortunately I need,
The money to pay,
My bills.
Do I need rent money,
Or am I

2Xtreme?

HHH: Man, I can’t even begin to tell you who’s the worst off team here. Flair’s got it easiest, I guess. The Spirit Squad? Please.

Edge: I’m pretty sure you’re going to sweep us.

Cena: Who the hell is even on Big Show’s team?

Big Show: Dude, it sucks! I’ve got Not Jamal and Finlay which is pretty cool. Lord knows I love midgets and Cuban Ric Flairs. But Test? I could crap better. And…MVP? Oh, for God’s sake. Pin me now, John. I might as well have signed Gobbledygooker. I hate myself. At least I have this Goose watching my back.

Vince McMahon: Dude, I love MVP. Shut up.

Shawn: Wait…that baseball guy is back?

(ads)

Sabu v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Sabu? Really? I guess the brand gloves are off when it comes to the week before Survivor Series. I can’t wait for the epic Cryme Tyme v. FBI match tomorrow night. Totally Not Jamal is wearing Baltimore Ravens face paint, which is a pretty easy choice this year. Man, when did the NFC start sucking so bad? Somebody’s going to make the playoffs at 7-9. Geez. Sabu hits a couple of his standard “Look at me, I’m jumping on the ropes!” moves, which cause RVD to “Yeah! All right!!” backstage, but it’s all for naught, as Not Jamal soon catches him with the Thumb to the Eye. That’s the win.

(ads)

Torrie Wilson is out shooting T-Shirts. I guess she has to now that Eugene is a heel. Before she can finally have her chance to shoot Lawler in the balls, she’s interrupted by Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Finally, I’m back on my winning streak. Good thing I shaved off that goatee so Mr. McMahon could take me seriously again, eh?

Torrie Wilson: More like got back on the juice, Iron Chef Roids.

Masters: What juice? I love juice! Take a look at my guns, have you ever seen arms like this?

Wilson: Hahahaha…you’re bigger than Kidman anyway.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: What’s going on out here? Makin’ fun of Kidman? That’s cool.

Masters: Carlito, how do you do it? Hooking up with random hot blonde white chicks all the time?

Carlito: It’s my Latin flava, man.

Wilson: It’s really not. You’re just one of the few guys on this show who isn’t trying to lick our jaw or hold us down or make us watch Benoit matches. All you want to do is spit apple in our faces, and frankly, most of us are used to the feeling.

Masters: Yeah…hey, you know who I miss? Disco Inferno.

Carlito attacks Masters for daring utter the name Disco in the hallowed halls of WWE. Then Lawler runs into the ring to take some shots too, because he totally got screwed on that orange peel battle. Finally, Masters has had enough, so he leaves, and Carlito and Lawler move on to kicking Torrie in the shins.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Nitro and Melina.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Johnny Nitro and Melina, and Melina, I’ve got to say, you’re looking much better without those horrible Christmas socks this week.

Melina: Thanks, Todd.

Grisham: That’s really it. I don’t have anything else to ask. Nitro’s totally losing that ladder match, by the way.

Melina: Yeah. Isn’t it sweet?

Johnny Nitro: Hey! I could win! Much props to my bro, K-Fed! You get that sex tape and get that bitch’s cash! No more napkins dipped in Vodka for you, any more bro! It’s time for you to live the High Life again!

Grisham: Speaking of which, screw you, Triple H! I’ll fruit my beer whenever the hell I want. I like a little slice of strawberry in my Bud Light.

Nitro: Hey, maybe now that he’s back with Matt, Jeff’ll start blowing spots again and he’ll kill himself out there tonight! Then I’ll win for sure! Score!

Grisham: Killing yourself is for poseurs!

Elsewhere, The Spirit Squad is assembled.

Spirit Squad Kenny: Of course I’m the leader. I’ve got the headband. I don’t see you guys wearing a headband. Clearly because Wardrobe spent more on my costume, I’m the leader.

Spirit Squad Mitch: You know, I always kind of assumed I was the leader. I never wrestle, and my name doesn’t end with a boyish “Y” like you guys’.

Spirit Squad Mikey: Hahahahahaha, good one, Mitch!

Spirit Squad Johnny: Oh, hey, S.S. Leader Kenny, can I wrestle Dusty then tonight? It’s always been a dream of mine to wrestle a pasty fat man.

S.S. Kenny: Sorry, I already gave the spot to Nicky just now. There’s always doing an MMA match with Butterbean though!

S.S. Johnny: Yeah…I guess….

Spirit Squad Nicky: You’re going down, Butterbean! I mean Johnny! I mean Dusty! Hey, Look! Ric Flair!

S.S. Kenny: Shat’s shakin’, Naitch?

Ric Flair: WOOOO! I went another $50,000 in debt playing online poker! WOO! That’s why they call me the NATURE BOY! WOOOOO!

Ron Simmons: Naitch, addiction to online gambling is a serious problem. You need to seek the help of a councilor or an advisor to help you deal with your issues. Here, take this card. These people can help you.

Flair: WOOO! NATURE BOY!

Then Ric pulls Boobsie McTitsalot (dressed somehow in an outfit that is equal parts retro, tiger-print, pleather, and dress) and dances off down the hall. Elsewhere, Jeff Hardy is wandering around….

Jeff Hardy: Stupid! Stupid!! I was right there with Triple H! How could I not have stood up to him? Now I’ve got to tag with him Sunday? Dammit. There goes my big chance to prove that I’m not afraid of him. Imagi…help me. I need strength!

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton: Give me your Intercontinental Title. I want to go hang it from the ceiling so nobody can get it.

Jeff: Yes sir!

That’s right, EARN THOSE SAG POINTS, Patton!

(ads)

Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. Jeff Hardy
In a Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Everybody walks under the ladder to start, so I’m pretty sure the only one who is going to make it out of this alive is Chad Patton. Which is fine by me, I think he’ll make a great IC champ. Have you noticed, by the way, that the older Jeff Hardy has gotten, the more confused he looks on his prematch dance routine. Like, “Ok…Bob your head, tiger paws and…uh…ok, now walk towards the ring and…Tiger paws!” He should really have that all choreographed out by now. Hell, even Dave has the cabbage patch down at least.

(ads)

That boots/skirt combo looks much better this week, Melina. Way to go. Oh, wait, there’s a match going on isn’t there. Ok, let me see if I can fill you in on what’s been happening. Ok, first, Jeff ran around the ring and some girls squealed, then Nitro hit him with a ladder. Then both guys jumped up and down on a ladder for a couple seconds, then Nitro wrapped himself up under one of the ladders and took a nap. Jeff, not having anything to climb now, jumped up and down in the middle of the ring hoping that Imagi would eventually make him float.

(ads)

Nitro’s awoken when we come back, so the match is underway again. Hardy hits the sunset powerbomb over the ladder. Sorry, that spot never gets old. Do you suppose Shelton Benjamin is sitting backstage somewhere making sniffly faces and saying “I can do that” to a horribly uninterested Val Venis. And wouldn’t that make the best gimmick ever? If Shelton never wrestled but just complained about how much better he was to Val Venis who is just minding his own business and wishing Shelton would just shut the hell up? And then one day, Val just goes off and knocks the crap out of Shelton. Speaking of knocking the crap out of people, Jeff Hardy eventually floats up and grabs the WWE Intercontinental Title belt for the win.

(ads0

The Undertaker is old, ya’lls. Thanks for this informative video package.

The Baltimore Ravens are at ringside. Good thing Steve McNair isn’t out there or he’d probably tear something. Where’s Lodi?

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Dusty Rhodes.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Dusty Rhodes, and Big Dust, I gotta ask you, should I even bother to ask you a question? I’m not going to understand a word you say!

Dusty Rhodes: Afleedastuddoo, Togg! A shamalalama duoofta in to the scrapply dapply doo! I’ve dined with kings and ate out q-

Todd: Dusty Rhodes, folks. True…American…something….

Dusty: Snappledapple chewcake, if you wheeeeeeeel!

And with that, Todd Grisham runs headlong into a wall. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Spirit Squad Nicky v. Dusty Rhodes

Nicky is sans Spirit Squad tonight, because Dusty’s got to win. After all, he is the Ameeeeeeeeeeeericaaaaaaan Dreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaam! Dusty spends most of the match sitting in the middle of the ring catching his breath from the entrance while Nicky runs around in the crowd trying to get the people who are chanting “Boring” to shut up and show some respect for WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. I hear ya, Nicky. Soon enough, though Nicky is back in the ring, just in time for Dusty to get himself together enough to hit the Bionic Elbow and collapse on S.S. Nicky’s body. 1...2...3! Ameeeeeeeeeeeericaaaaaaan Dreeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaam~!

(ads)

Backstage Edge and Lita are talking about something, but it’s immediately broken up by Randy Orton.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: What the hell do you want?

Randy Orton: We’re jet stream parkers, remember? I saw you had a camera here, so I thought we’d do an inch or two.

Edge: You mean interview. Int. Er. View.

Orton: Right on, Esther!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Poor Troubled Looters Can’t Cavort and I’m standing by with Edge and Randy Orton who both have one thing in common! They like to have sex with Lita, am I right about that one folks?

Orton: You’ve got that plight, Martina!

Shad Gaspard: Yo, yo, yo, who wants to watch this bootleg ass copy of See No Evil that cracka ass Eugene sold us from the Internet?

JTG: Yeah, word, though. You can totally “See No Movie” though in the part where the fat guy stands up to go to the bathroom though…And they’s some kids cryin’ in one part, but other than that? Sweeeeet.

Orton: I don’t watch moogies! They rot my plain.

JTG: How ‘bout you, Edge? You down?

Edge: What am I? Some kind of silly midcarders? Get the hell out of my face.

Shad: Daaaaamn though. How about you? You down with bootlegs, Maria?

Maria: I have both boots and legs.

JTG: I would like very much for the pleasure of your company in one or perhaps more fornications.

Shad: Word.

Maria: I don’t know if I’m quite ready for that. Though they do say, “A neep in Tyme saves nine!”

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Lita
For the WWE Women’s Title

Wait…wait…somebody play Coach’s music. Hell yeah!

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Lita
In an Alexis is Blindfolded Match for the WWE Women’s Title

Yeah, like she’s never had a blindfold on her head before. Puhleeeze. She tries to fight back in this the home town of Raven, but it’s a valiant effort all for naught. After all, she is no Jake Roberts, and Lita is no Jake Martel. After all, Lita’s not wearing a blindfold, and Alexis, as far as I know, isn’t a coked out fat man. After Lita hits the moonsault for the win, she gets on the mic.

Lita: Trish Stratus was right. This place IS totally for squares. Remember when I debuted with Esse Rios and everybody was all like, “A woman that does boy moves? Get out of town!” Well, I’m getting out of town. Everybody come check out my band The Luchagores at the Baltimore Hilton bar after the show. I’m gonna wear skull paint. It’s gonna be sweet. Cover is $4. Oh! $2 if you bring a canned good to help in the fight for homeless dogs.

Even Chris Jericho’s shaking his head at that one. Backstage Edge and Orton are walking around and they happen to bump into Big Show and Kenny. There’s an awkward silence, and then Edge, Orton and Show punch Kenny.

(ads)

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, Randy Orton, Big Show and Spirit Squad Kenny v….

Egh….

(ads)

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge, Randy Orton, Big Show and Spirit Squad Kenny v. Ric Flair, John Cena, Triple H and Shawn Michaels

Flair comes out to the ring first, and like an idiot he starts to try and fight off all four heels. Cena comes down, hardly waiting for his apple dough, for the save. Then the heels beat on them for about twenty minutes, and then DX finally comes down. Yeah, screw you guys. Of course, DX is totally all it takes to clear the ring, and as soon as he recovers the least amount of consciousness, Flair turns to Triple H and says “That’s why you’re the champ! WOOO!” and then he flops. But the match hasn’t started yet, so Orton doesn’t win.

(ads)

When we come back, there’s actually some semblance of “match” going on. If, I guess, you count Big Show standing on Ric Flair’s knee a “match.” The faces all try to get in moves on Show, but Show just bails. Did they seriously add Ron Simmons to the Legends match? Fantastic. I hope they let Bradshaw call that match. “I can’t believe he’s still alive, Michael Cole!” Anyway, it ends up down to Cena and Kenny, and if you don’t know what’s going to happen from there, you’ve never seen a John Cena or a Kenny match. Then everybody on the Survior Series card hits the ring for the BITCHINGEST PIZZA PARTY EVER~!

EVER!!!!!!!!

Sunday: The rivalry between the ducks and the geese comes to a head as Duck and Goose are the last members of their Survivor Series team standing. Triple H single-handedly eliminates all the members of the Spirit Squad during a match he isn’t even in. And the Gobbledygooker? Totally showing up to screw with Todd Grisham.

Happy Birthday Me!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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