Powered by LiquidWeb NEW SEARCH FEATURE! IT WORKS!
Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
RAW SATIRE    
Matt Hardy in a Main Event?
Only in the Alternate RAWniverse...   

November 28, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Suvivor Series started off with a bang when Big Show attacked his own team so that he could take on Bossman’s team by himself…Wait…that’s not right. Lita went out in just about the most dignified way possible. And Team DX squashed Team RKO, because that’s just the way it is when you mess with the Clique. Who will mess with the Clique…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Ric Flair is out and he doesn’t look too happy. Aw, what’s wrong Triple Naitch?

Ric Flair: WOOOO! NATURE BOY! Style by god, profile! And last night, my team WOO! They sucked! But The Spirit Squad is no match for RIC BY GOD FLAIR! So I’m going to call them all out again tonight! Then, I’m gonna take their old ladies for a ride on Space 

Mountain, FAT BOY! Because I’m not stupid, I’m the NATURE BOY! WOOOOOO!

Spirit Squad: Honest to God, I can’t tell. Did you just challenge us to a match?

Flair: WOO!

Spirit Squad Mitch: Oh yeah? Well we’ve got a cheer for you!

Spirit Squad Nicky: God…Mitch, no. Just no.

Spirit Squad Mikey: We’re sick of the cheerleader stigma.

Spirit Squad Johnny: Oh wow…You mean we’re supposed to be cheerleaders? Seriously? I thought we were just assholes who dressed the same and rhymed.

S.S. Kenny: Like little clones of John Cena.

S.S. Mikey: Oh God…how depressing.

Spirit Squad Mitch: Ready? Ok!

Spirit Squad Mitch,
Is Here to Say,
Ric Flair?
You’re really gay!

You wear a robe,
You wear sequins,
You’re about to get,
Your ass beaten!

YEAAAAH! ALL RIGHT! MITCH IN THE HOUSE!!!

Flair: WOO! That was great, whoever you are!

Triple H: Are you ready? Ok! NO! I SAID ARE YOU READY? OK!

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Shawn Michaels: Wait…why did we come out here again?

HHH: Meh? Better than sitting around backstage, I guess.

The Spirit Squad v. Ric Flair and Degeneration X

It’s nice to see DX take on the Spirit Squad. New and exciting matchups, folks. Flair should just go ahead and join DX. He’s just about as comprehendible as Road Dogg, as fruity as Billy Gunn, as legitimately nuts as X-Pac, and he’s got a bigger rack than Chyna at this point. The only thing is, I think Naitch is old enough now where the pyro would freak him out every week. DX kicks the Spirit Squad out of the ring, and so now it’s time to take a break for some…

(ads)

When we come back, Flair is begging off as DX beats up the Spirit Squad in the ring. After Shawn Superkicks Mitch, DX and Flair somehow manage to put all five members of the Spirit Squad into the Figure Four at the same time. DX wins! Again! I’m never going to get tired of this match. Shawn and Hunter convince Flair to do some Space Mountain Chops afterwards, but the pyro makes him flop. Hunter and Shawn drag him out of the ring as Flair says, “Triple! WOO By God H! That’s why you’re the champ! WOOO!”

Here’s some really old video of The Hardy Boyz solving mysteries and jumping off of trampolines onto pirates. Yeah…I think this is how they got the idea for the Spirit Squad. Watch carefully for the promo where a young Jeff gives mad ups to his man Imagi for the wicked awesome mole volcano he built in his sandbox.

(ads)

Backstage, Triple H and Shawn Michaels are loading the Spirit Squad into a big crate.

Shawn Michaels: Hehehehe, where are we sending this? Abu Dhabi?

Triple H: No! What is that? Garfield? Geez. No, see I’ve got this big sticker that says “Property of OVW.”

Shawn: That’s awfully…meta of you. Does half our audience know what the hell OVW is?

HHH: No, but the ones who do will think it’s hilarious.

Shawn: But we hate Internet fans. That’s our thing!

The Voice of the Undertaker: I’m going to let this one go. For now. But I’m not to happy about it.

OPS Driver: I’m here to pick up a package.

HHH: OPS? What will our props department think of next?

Shawn: What does the O stand for?

OPS Driver: Oh Hell No We Aren’t Paying for Product Placement” Parcel Service.

HHH: Heh. Yeah. This whole operation is pretty low budget.

Voice of Taker: All right, screw it. You go on ahead and break the crap out of that fourth wall. You’ll be sorry though.

Shawn: Ok, floating voice! Driver, drag this crate of cheerleaders away!

OPS Driver: You got it.

HHH: I can’t believe we missed the obvious K-Fed-“Ex” joke. Hey! You’re not an OPS Driver at all, are you? You’re WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton!

WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton: That’s right! And that’s some more SAG Points, BIATCH! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to star in my own independent foreign film.

Patton rips off his OPS hat, puts on his felt pimp hat and sunglasses and strolls off.

Voice of Taker: ….

Elsewhere….

Johnny Nitro: You know what I want to do? Wrestle for no reason on an ECW PPV.

Melina: Really? What a strange ambition to have.

Nitro: Hahaha…yeah. But seriously, it’s either that or I’ve got to go home and play Scrabble with my grandma, and her eyes aren’t so good anymore.

Melina: I was always kind of a big fan of Upwords, myself.

Nitro: Blasphemy!

Joey Mercury: Hey guys, I was on an ECW PPV once!

Nitro: Dude, aren’t you like…in rehab?

Mercury: I’m out! Clean and sober!

Melina: With that fur coat and those ugly boots? You don’t look clean or sober to me.

Mercury: You’re wearing the same thing!

Nitro: I don’t remember ever having gone to rehab though.

Mercury: Look, can we rejoin MNM or not?

Theodore Long: Hold on a minute playa, I’m pretty sure we made a rule what says you two can’t team up any more.

Melina: Teddy, that rule only really applied to Smackdown, and besides, it’s pro-wrestling? Duh. Those rules barely last a week. Remember when you had to kick Boogeyman off the show because Booker hated him? And now Booker is the one who brought him back. So if Joey Mercury wants to randomly check himself out of rehab and come back and team with Nitro with no explanation whatsoever? Perfectly fine.

Long: Holla Holla!

(ads)

Melina v. Boobsie McTitsalot v. Torrie Wilson (w/ Wookles the RAW Satire Mutt) v. Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) v. Victorai
In a Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership for the WWE Women’s Title

Yeah, nothin’ says lovin’ like making the number one contender’s match a battle royal. Alexis Laree is on commentary bitching about how that slut Lita is probably going to run off to TNA to take her spot in The Movement now. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that everybody in this match looks like they just got out of their dress rehersal from Cats. Who is running the wardrobe department these days? Between this and the suit they gave MVP…geez. Victoria throws everyone out in about thirteen seconds, and then she and Alexis have the most dramatic staredown in the history of women’s wrestling. For all of five seconds.

(ads)

Eugene v. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Wow, they actually remembered this feud was going on. This is the slowest brewing feud in the company. I can’t wait to see their Wrestlemania match. Actually, I could. Until April at least. The story of the match is that Duggan is really pissed that Eugene is mocking his wrestling legacy, but he’s also old and can barely move, so Eugene just throws Cheetoh dust in his eyes and rolls him up for the win. That would’ve been great if they hadn’t just done the same finish to Joe/Angle in TNA.

Eugene: I just wanted to let you all know that the wrestling on this show sucks. TNA is awesome and the X-Division is where it’s at! Even the return of Benoit cant save this dying ship. I hope I can go over to Smackdown where all the cool people are. There they know how special I am!

Backstage, DX is hanging out in the “Legends” wing of the arena.

Triple H: Why exactly is it that you guys follow us around every week anyway? You’re hardly ever part of the show.

Dusty Rhodes: Pleedahhda! Dustah Rhodes, American Dream, dadday to tha mothaship if you wheeeeeeel!

Arn Anderson: Honestly, Hunter? Free coffee. And bagels. Beats the hell out of Bingo night.

Shawn Michaels: Aw crap! I’m missing Bingo night? Guys, I gotta go. See you all later!

HHH: All right, who wants to go hang out at Red Lobster and get some cheese bread?

Dusty Rhodes: I cah eat mah ow wegh in chessy breag!

Arn Anderson: Hunter, now that I have you here, I really want you to stop using the Spinebuster.

Ron Simmons: Did somebody say chessy breag? I’m in. Forget Flair, let’s get the hell out of this crap arena.

(ads)

Remember when Test almost married Stephanie? Hahahah, yeah. That didn’t really work out for anybody involved, did it. ‘Cept maybe that priest, I guess.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge is out and he’s got a mic and a set. I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us! What recipe have you cooked up this time you genius?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: I know what you’re all wondering, but I don’t have a breakfast cooked up for you! Screw you! Now I don’t have anybody to love me. Thanks a lot, Lita. Way to retire. Instead I’m doing an edition of my hot talk show “The Cutting Edge.” This week’s guest is a total loser-

Randy Orton: Thanks for the kind introspection, Earl. I, Ranky Q. Morgan-

Edge: Randy, I was actually talking about Flair. We beat him up when DX went out for Red Lobster, and made him all bloody and unconscious, remember?

Orton: In tooth, Ech, I don’t reminder a whole lot of things you and pie do.

Edge: Just…friggin’ go get Flair. He’s sitting in the chair behind the curtain…He’s the bloody one.

Orton drags Flair out to the ring.

Edge: Where’s your DX now, huh? Out eating! That’s where they are! DX doesn’t care about Ric Flair! They only care about themselves! And Dusty Rhodes! And Ron Simmons! And, probably to a lesser extent, Arn Anderson!

Orton: I care about things, sun time.

Edge: Just…hit him with the chair. I can’t hardly deal with you without Lita.

Edge and Orton both hit Flair with chairs.

Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

Edge: Ric? I thought I told Orton to bloody you up.

Orton: I did! I takered Nacho here out for digger. He and I are great Freds from back in our days in Elocution.

Edge: Dammit! BLOOODY! Not “Butter him up.” Geez. What’s with all this blood then?

Flair: Woo! I flopped into a vat of ketchup!

Orton: And I won! It’s a wind wind prosecution, Esther!

(ads)

The King v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Fried Dough Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Without Coach around for some reason to stack the deck against the creepy marketing icon, I‘d say there‘s little chance for the Iron Chef to broil his way to victory this week. After all, who knows more about fried dough than a Memphis wrestling legend?

Fukui: Well, I’ll tell you what, I played The King’s X-Box video game last week, and boy howdy, that thing is a great value for $4.99. The only part I didn’t like was when your character would uncontrollably run up to women and yell puppies. Kind of ruined the suspense of the game.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know, I can’t remember the last time I had a good fried dough stew. Hey, Ohta, tell one of those losers to make me a fried dough stew. With maybe some pickles or something.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: No fried dough stew, however, The King got a little help from his main man Carlito, who helped add a little special ingredient to the mix when he spat apple all over some of the King’s dough. The judges love spit.

Hatori: What is this contest being judged by this years top AVN award winners? And more importantly, does this finally solve the riddle of what the hell APPLE DOUGH is?

Fukui: What no commentary on my mom this week?

Hatori: Aw, yeah, I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up. Unfortunately, your mom and I had to break up.

Fukui: Oh, thank, God.

Hatori: Apparently, I was just too much man for her. Not for your sister though.

Fukui: I really, really hate you. Join us next time when we find out who will reign supreme.

Hatori: It’ll be me. Over your sister.

Fukui: Or, you know, don’t.

(ads)

At ringside this week? Pittsburgh Steelers. Hahaha…way to suck, guys.

Here’s Totally Not Jamal wearing Baltimore Ravens face paint again. Cheap heel heat!

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: Hello! My name is not important. What is important is that you all listen to my man, Totally Not Jamal!

Totally Not Jamal: I want challenge John Cena to a World Title match. After all, technically I’m still undefeated.

Not Important: Are…you supposed to be talking?

Not Jamal: Yeah, anything goes tonight, man. Taker took the night off, so the inmates are running the assylum.

The Riddler: I say, what kind of money rises both in the east and west?

Totally Not Jamal: Um…the Yen?

Riddler: No, silly. It’s….

APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!

John Cena rockin’ riddler,
I tell no lies,
Your riddle sucked,
I just about died.

You want to the challenger,
I’ve got two words for you!
You’re on! You fatty,
I’m superman, can’t lose!

You goin’ down,
Faster than Steve Austin’s beer,
Look at me and know,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!

Not Jamal: HAKU MACHENTE!!!

(ads)

Here’s the comedy stylings of Brooklyn Brawler.

Brooklyn Brawler: And what’s the deal with all these wrestlers? They’re even worse than I was. And that’s a shoot, brotha.

JTG: So are you saying we can’t wrestle because we black?

Brawler: Noooo, I’m saying you can’t wrestle because you can’t. In my day we would have strung you up and stuck a fork in your ass for trying all that flippy floppy nonsense.

Shad Gaspard: Flippy…bitch, please. I haven’t left the ground in about twelve years.

Brawler: Son, you’re one of the good ones.

JTG: Who the hell pays to go see Kramer in concert anyway?

Shad: No kidding. What were those guys doing there anyway?

Brawler: And what’s the deal with this skit? Am I supposed to…like…be Kramer or what?

The Shad kicks him in the face.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy is backstage.

Jeff Hardy:

Is it just a whisper?
The wind goes round and round,
Spoiling the show,
As DX goes to town.
Spirit Squad in OVW,
Main Event is me!
Will we win the titles,
Or are we….
2Xtreme?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Nice poem, Jeffers, did Lita teach you that one?

Jeff: It came to me from Imagi.

Edge: Well, Imagi yourself losing the match because that’s all that’s going to happen. I’m a main eventer now, you’re just a chump who couldn’t even cut it in TNA!

Randy Orton: Who is cuffing the I-max? I wanted to see “Harpy Fest” before it went out of there!

Edge: Huh?

Jeff: Even I don’t know what you’re trying to say, bro.

Orton: All I cow, is that you’re golfing done, Ref Porky! You can’t meet Ranky Q. Morgan and the Imitator of Violins Egg, Team RJLo!

Matt Hardy: Hey, what the hell is going on over here?

Orton: North wing!

Edge, Matt and Jeff: I miss Christ Tian.

(ads)

The Hardy Boyz v. “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Randy Orton
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

This should be a gre-

(ads)

Hey! Don’t cut me off! Geez. Anyway, this is just like olden times isn’t it? But…Jeff’s on RAW, and Matt is on Smackdown, and they’re both wrestling at the ECW PPV on Sunday…are they, like, a traveling side show now? Who knows where the Hardy Boyz may show up next! Possibly Internet Heat! Possibly on Afterburn! Do they still even have Afterburn? I never watched that show. Jeff gets beaten up for a while, leaving Matt alone and Edge starts go for his finisher, so that’s a good time for a commercial break. If the match ends during the ads, we’ll let you know, folks!

(ads)

Apparently, Edge hit the Spear, but the pin got broken up by Jeff. Thank goodness, I was afraid the match would be over. Orton locks in the CHINLOCK~! on Matt, but before you can say “Whisper in the Wind” (which admittedly will probably take a while), Matt and Jeff are hitting all their old tag team spots. There’s the double half assed leg drop! The crowd goes nuts because it’s just like they never left! Or possibly because somebody new is in the main event. Matt Hardy? Seriously? Ok, whatever, dudes. They hit the Twist of Fate/Swanton combo, but Edge breaks the pin up with a belt shot. That’s a DQ. After the match, Edge and Orton…celebrate…being…on TV. I guess. Way to go, guys!

Next Week: Edge and Orton really get to DX when they attack DX’s close personal friend, The Brooklyn Brawler. The Spirit Squad crate comes back with a “Return to Sender” tag on it. And Eugene wins the crowd back over with a fifteen minute rant about how Vince McMahon isn’t properly utilizing The Boogeyman.

Until then, Good night, America!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.