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RAW SATIRE    
Double Your Cena, Double Your Fun?   

December 18, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena made up a really crappy rhyme. Degeneration X pretended to give a hoot about the elderly. Shelton Benjamin was apparently black. Who will be black…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

John Cena v. Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon

John Cena is out, but he doesn’t rap. Maybe he’s too busy eating some APPLE DOUGH? Well, regardless, Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon is out and he has a mic. I wonder what he could possibly have to say?

 
Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important! What is important is that I’m about to job out faster tan they would’ve made me in OVW. So in exchange for one offensive move, I’ll give you this, how you say, box of Christmas cookies. Haha.

John Cena: Man, don’t show me those! I don’t want to put on pounds during the holidays, I have to do an international promotional tour for The Marine.

Not Important: It won’t help. Haha! Here, how about this nice watch? It has two metal balls in it and there’s little…like…some divots in there and you move it around until…you know…you get the balls in the divots? Haha?

Cena: I only wear Swatches with the plastic wrist straps you can change.

Not Important: Well how about this, you agree to stop this match and I agree to change my gimmick from being the Cubban Ric Flair to being the, how you say, Cuban Ted DiBiase? Hahahahaha.

Cena: You’d really do that for me?

Not Important: No. Haha.

So Cena beats Not Important up for a few seconds and pins him. Match of the year. Afterwards, Johnny Nitro kicks Cena in the back of the head while Melina takes great care to remind everyone that Kevin Federline is still attempting to be relevant/she still has breasts.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, the rumor was flying in the two minutes that we were away at commercial that you challenged Johnny Nitro to a match tonight. What are you feeling?

John Cena: Man…that sounds like something I would do. But Johnny Nitro? I couldn’t have aimed any higher? Like…Crap, Mitch isn’t around any more is he?

Grisham: Thankfully not.

Cena: So…am I responsible for making challenges that I don’t remember making?

Grisham: Without the Voice of the Undertaker around, anything really can happen in the WWE.

Cena: That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard you say.

In a fit of anguish, Todd Grisham impales himself on a Christmas Tree. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Jerry “The King” Lawler and Carlito Caribbean Cool v. “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters and Viscera

What the hell is wrong with Viscera? You must have at least three parts to your name to compete in this match. Unless it means that he’s the one doing the job in this match. What’s funny is that Masters, Carlito and Lawler have been vaguely feuding for a month now and Viscera and Carlito were feuding last week. Maybe the secret ingredient in the next Iron Chef Challenge can be continuity (Hint: It goes great on toast!). Before J.R. can properly lather himself up of Master’s chest, Carlito’s already rolled Viscera up. Woo! I hope they keep pushing this hot young Lawler/Carlito team.

(ads)

Backstage, Cryme Tyme and the Highlanders are engaged in a game of wits.

Rory: Ach! Back to the Lollypop Woods.

Roby: You know, I dated the girl who made this game? We had great times until the Polio.

Rory: Aye.

Shad Gaspard: Oh yells yeah! Three blue. What’s up now bitches? We gots three blue. Molasses swamp? Kiss my black ass.

JTG: Yeeeeeah! We at Grandma’s house now. You owe us fiddy bucks.

Rory: I knew I should’ve angled for Jenga.

Random Guy: No idea why I’m standing here for all this.

Charlie Haas: You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Candy Land is a children’s game! And what’s the deal with these ethnic stereotypes? Huh?

Shad: Well you see Charlie, by playing up the stereotypes for laughs, we help to demonstrate how ridiculously absurd those stereotypes are and hopefully, eventually we can work together to eliminate our prejudices with laughter.

JTG: Word.

Rory: We actually are seven hundred year old, immortal Scotsman who enjoy wearing furs still.

Roby: Aye.

Haas: Those are ridiculous, terrible gimmicks.

Shad: I sleep better every night knowing that as bad as things get, I’m still not Charlie Haas.

Haas: Shelton, get on camera here and let them have it.

Shelton Benjamin: Hey guys. What’s goin’ on? Reaffirming stereotypes? Playing Candy Land? Cool. Cool.

Haas: That’s it, World’s Greatest Tag Team is challenging you to a match tonight Highlanders!

Shelton: Nooooooo!

Roby: Woah, that’s random.

Elsewhere….

Edge: Randy, what are you doing?

Randy Orton: In tooth, Egg, I haven’t the dodgiest cruise why I’m suing this quill.

Edge: Well…keep at that quilt. That’s…a kind of hobby. And whatever keeps you out of my hair most of the time is find with me.

Orton: I’m goring to be the sexed Bernie Roth.

Just Kenny: Hey guys! You’ll never guess what I did?! I bought a new headband to match my new ring gear. Now nothing can stop me!

Edge: Except everything.

Orton: You gnoll, Spearmint Squalor Kengi, you’re not so tough.

Kenny: Come on guys! This headband cost me $12.95! At least let me do a run-in!

Edge: All right, fine. But let me do a run in at least.

Edge: Fiiiiiiine.

(ads)

The Highlanders v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Sadly there’s not a whole lot of competition for the World’s Greatest Tag Team right now, unless you count Japan, but nobody does. And before you say, “TNA has tag teams!” I’d like to point out that what TNA does is only loosely defined as “wrestling” as it is, no points for them. Anyway, the Highlander’s have been around forever, so you’d think if anybody knew great tag team wrestling, it’d be them, but sure enough they job to TWGTT’s patented “Haas Puts One Guy on the Ropes and Waits for Ten Minutes Before Shelton Benjamin Notices and Jumps on his Back” for the win. Man, I love that move.

Backstage, Triple H is walking angrily. Oh man, did somebody finally tell him that Billy Gunn is making fun of him?

(ads)

Edge v. Triple H

They are of course fighting over the honor and dignity of Ric Flair, which made me giggle a bit as I typed it. Maybe they’re fighting over who will be the next to “nearly kill Triple Naitch.” If that’s the case, might I suggest WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton? That would be a killer angle right there. Too bad we’re not on Smackdown or we could’ve done a “Revenge of Little Naitch” angle. That’s where the money’s at. Before this one can even get going, however, Randy Orton breaks it up. Then it quickly devolves into a Pier Six Brawl with Hunter, Edge, Orton, Michaels, Kenny and the Returning Ric Flair. Here’s Coach to provide some structure to our lives.

Jonathan Coachman: I just started watching this show, and I thought Edge and Hunter were supposed to be having a match.

Triple H: It kind of came unraveled into a Donnybrook.

Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

Coach: Well, we’ve got a crap load of time to fill on this show, and unlike last week there’s no friggin’ way I’m booking Val Venis, so you guys! Six man tag match. Go ahead and pick your won partners. Have a good one.

(ads)

Degeneration X and Ric Flair v. Randy Orton, Edge and Just Kenny

Nobody wanted Kenny, but Edge and Orton had the last pick. Everybody has a grand ol’ time though, beating the crap out of Kenny is fun. I kind of want to go beat up Kenny right now. Anyway, Kenny’s headband falls off so Flair begs off and tags in Shawn who is a house a fire until Edge perplexing him with the question of whether or not if Shawn would be sinning. While Shawn ponders that, Flair and Orton bail to the outside to trade Pogs.

(ads)

Everybody’s hit their finishers when we get back, which leaves nobody to get the pin. Again except for Patton. This match is SCREAMING for that. Finally Edge gets up the nerve to come after DX, but it’s all for naught as the minute he gets things turned around back in his teams favor, Flair rolls Kenny up for the win. Poor Kenny. After the match team rKo turn things around on DX and start to go for the Conchairto on Shawn, but Hunter disperses them with his Sledgehammer. Then he nails Flair just for the hell of it, and a bloody Flair flops and gives him the thumbs up.

Backstage, Johnny Nitro and Melina are on the phone.

Johnny Nitro: Yo man, you watchin’ the show?

Kevin Federline: Nah, dawg. You know I can’t afford cable!

Melina: Well then you missed Candy Land! That’s too bad because that game is…hella tight?

K-Fed: Yooooo me and Brit used to play Candyland all the time and…and…waaaaaaaaaah….

Coach: Is that Tough Enough Jessie in here? I need to talk to her.

Nitro: Nope, sorry. That’s just K-Fed crying over lost love.

Coach: Dammit. Hey, Nitro, how’d you like it if I booked matches for a PPV that’s still a month away yet.

Nitro: Are they going to be any good?

Coach: Hell if I know, I was just going to start popping names into Alexandra York’s computer. Best thing we got in the acquisition.

Ron Simmons: Kevin, it sounds like you have commitment issues. You hate to stay tied down and I respect that. An eagle’s gotta fly after all. But dude, you’re barely a pigeon. You gotta start living up to your potential man.

(ads)

Victoria v. Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt)

Torrie is freaking out backstage about being next on “Victoria’s list,” so Carlito makes out with her. Well, that’ll shut her up for a few minutes, I geuess. The match itself goes exactly how every match in any Victoria mini-push go. Torrie gets some token offense, then Victoria pins her. “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters comes out to try to revive Torrie, but Carlito and Lawler scare him away because he’s not a trained medical professional like WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman or anything.

(ads)

Totally Not Jamal v. Jeff Hardy

Totally Not Jamal doesn’t have Not Important here this week so he’s going to be totally out of control! Hopefully nobody gets pinned before these….

(ads)

Man, I love how this is all, “But without Kim Chee at ringside, how will Kamala know how to go for the pin?” Except Kamala hardly ever wins matches anymore so the point is entirely moot. Not Jamal beats up Jeff for a while, while Jeff pouts about how Imagi is supposed to strike down the savage for him. And it almost works because Totally Not Jamal eventually runs out of gas and takes a nap at about the seven minute mark, but Jeff is too proud to capitalize on it then, so he ends up taking a thumb to the eye along with a bunch of butts to the face. When he protests, WWE RAW Referee Marty Rubacava takes a Thumb to the Eye as well. Don’t get uppity.

(ads)

Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. John Cena

Ugh.. I just noticed that Melina is back to working those Christmas socks/hooker boots again. No, the cleavage will not distract from your poor fashion choices, Melina, especially when you’re the only heel valet left on the show now that Lita and Mitch are gone. Johnny Nitro goes for the sleeper, which is an effective ploy in any match where the crowd hasn’t really made up their mind about how they feel about the face. Having effectively worn down the entire match, Nitro goes for a pin, but it’s broken up by these…

(ads)

Coming out of the break, Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Always a hit with the ladies, that. Would this match be a good time to tell you to visit HockShow.com? Just wondering. Man, I can’t wait until Cena has to carry K-Fed for nine minutes, Federline is twice as good as Nitro. Both the wrestler and the TV show. Anyway, Cena, of course, hits the FU because he’s a jerk, and that’s the end of the match. He celebrates with the belt while Melina attempts (and fails) to give us “I’m so mad, because I though Johnny Nitro could have been the one to beat John Cena” outside the ring. Man, that was way too much wrestling. Excuse me while I bemoan the lack of skits on this show.

Next Week: Thr…THREE HOURS?! Oh, thank God 90% of that will be taken up by a battle royal because I don’t think my brain could take it. Plus, John Cena defends his title against the Battle Royal’s winner (smart money is on Lance Cade). And don’t be surprised if Triple H and Shawn Michaels forget Ric Flair at home during their Holiday vacation, leaving him to fend for himself against a pair of dastardly robbers.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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