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RAW SATIRE    
Three Hour Warning 

December 21, 2006

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: John Cena beat up both a manager and a little girl. The World’s Greatest Tag Team became the latest (and greatest) tag team to reunite. And matches were booked for a PPV that doesn’t even happen until next month. What is this, UFC? More importantly, will it be UFC…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Oh, Lord…Only three more hours to go. Give me strength.

Jesus: Dude, if you’re already blown up, there ain’t nothing I can do for you, bro.

Happy Birthday, by the way.

Thirty Man Over The Top Rope Battle Royal (featuring Edge, Randy Orton, Triple H, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Brooklyn Brawler, A Ducks, A Goose, Shad Gaspard, JTG, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris Masters, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Viscera, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Jeff Hardy, Just Kenny, Ric Flair, Jeff Hardy, Johnny Nitro, Super Crazy, Todd Grisham, WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, Ron Simmons, The Creepy Muppet from Dr. Teeth’s Band that Kind of Looks Like a Reject from Sgt. Peppers, Rory McAllister, Robbie McAllister, and Canadian Bulldog)

What, were Val Venis and Abe Orton busy? Mad props for getting the muppet in there this time though. God, this is the world’s lamest Royal Rumble. Worse than the time Saba Simba won it. That happened right? Or the year we ordered it and, like, 50% of the guys didn’t even show up, so the entire match was Earthquake waiting for The Widowmaker to come out. You know, never mind. I’d really rather see Brawler hook up with Farooq to eliminate a Goose, than have to deal with any of that. Bulldog (way to get to the big leagues, bro!) tosses Carlito right away, and then Todd Grisham eliminates himself, dashing his brains out on the concrete floor. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

How is it that Super Crazy is still in there? The Muppet, I get. Duggan, I get. But Super Crazy? He’s not going to win. More like “Super Crappy” am I right folks? Eh? Eh? Shut up. I’ve got three hours to fill, give me some leeway here. I’ve got to save up my material. For something else. Like a children’s book or something. Is Sylvester Stallone really going to be on later? Awesome. How come he couldn’t get in on this. He would’ve rocked the battle royal. And he looks younger than Murdoch! Bulldog gets tossed by Lawler. So close!

(ads)

Just about everybody is out now. That’s more like it. Exactly how I like my battle royals. Ron Simmons gets thrown out, so he gets on the mic and is all, “I really would have liked to get that title shot,” even though he’s WWE’s ambassador to the UN and not a wrestler anymore. Triple H gets thrown out too which is hilarious. Then everybody else jumps out of the ring so Edge can eliminate Shawn Michaels for the win. Well played, booking team. We haven’t ever seen Edge/Cena before!

(ads)

Edge and Orton are backstage…

Edge: Randy, I’m excited. I’ve finally got a chance to do what I’ve never done in my career. Take on John Cena for the WWE Spinnin’ World title.

Randy Orton: In soothe, Easter, I’m prissy sure you’ve done that on special distant ok Shawns.

Edge: OF COURSE I HAVE! AND I AM STILL SICK OF THAT MATCH! Plus, without Lita around, I’ve got no chance of winning.

Orton: Don’t hurry, End, I’ll be your ballet.

Edge: That’s pretty much exactly what I’m afraid of.

Orton: Maybe Cutlass, by the wade! I got you a preset.

Edge: Oh…Thanks…A pair of hangers you stole from wardrobe. One of them still even has Carlito’s name on it. How thoughtful. Actually, I got you something too. Enjoy.

Orton: Hooped on Phoenix? You’re the breast fiend ever! Harpy Hollandaise, Emory!

Edge: Sigh…Harpy Hollandaise to you too.

Elsewhere….

Maria nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool: Maria Neep Pudgy Tarantulas Like Cold Coffee here and I’m standing by with Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. And let me stop you before you even say a word, because there’s no way I could neep that many names, Mr. Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. Besides, what you did, trying to wake Torrie Wilson from her years long coma last week? That was downright picable, mister!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: You know, I’ve always wanted to be a daytime soaps star, but I’m stuck being the only chef on this show because that bastard Edge quit. But if I have the opportunity to live my dream and wake a woman from a deep coma by shaking her vigorously? I’m gonna do it, man. I do wish she were an evil twin or something though.

Maria: Well her dad dressed up in a turkey costume one time to impress a girl thirty years his younger, and then he proceeded to have sex with her and die on national TV.

Masters: Hey! Not bad!

Maria: Plus, her on again off again husband is Billy Kidman. Ew.

Masters: Oooh! Double bonus!

(ads)

Now, for an interview with some guy you won’t be able to understand….

Viktor Shuffleyenco: Nuclear wessle! Anna Kournikova Maria Sharapova? Ci! Uh…Go USSR! Is that enough? Mumblefax! In Soviet Russia cotton candy eats YOU!

Dude, he’s a better interview than Benoit.

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Lime Wedge Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: This has the chance to be the greatest Kitchen Stadium duel of all time. Both competitors are very familiar with lime wedges, and besides, the Iron Chef tried to wake Carlito’s girlfriend from her lifelong coma last week. That’ll piss any guy off.

Fukui: Indeed! These two really hate each other.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know, I went to Lime Wedge University? I majored in Partying Down with a minor in getting fresh with the ladies! Oh yeah!

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The Iron Chef has just added one of his lime wedges to a bottle of Corona. And if that wasn’t dastardly enough, he proceeded to smash the bottle over Carlito’s face! The challenger is down and he’s not getting back up, I think this one is over.

Hatori: I wonder if Carlito’s blood is extra spicy? I’m out of hot sauce up here.

Fukui: It‘s…no. Unless you’re some kind of commentating vampire, I don’t think his blood would make an adequate substitute for hot sauce.

Hatori: Aw crap. Now what am I going to pour on your sister‘s thighs?.

Fukui: Shut up. Well folks, looks like they‘re throwing this one out. Join us next week when we find out who will reign supreme!

Backstage, Nitro and Melina are lost. Either that or they’re running around trying to make sure as many people see Melina’s cleavage as possible. Yep. There it is.

(ads)

The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. The Hardy Boyz

I don’t think it counts as a special guest appearance for The Hardyz any more. They’re just a floating tag team. The Imagi is above the brand split. This match was booked, of course, so Johnny Nitro could get revenge on the Hardy Boyz for shattering Joey Mercury’s face into about a trillion pieces last week. Not that MNM is still a team or anything. Man, I give up trying to figure that out. I really wish The Voice of the Undertaker would come back and explain this all. And he probably would if his body weren’t so busy driving people around in a hearse.

(ads)

I have a real issue with Charlie Haas being a part of a major television angle, but I’ll let it slide for now. Especially since he recently became dad. Unless the baby was secretly Jeff Jarrett’s. That’s who she was trying to protect for all those months in TNA!!~! I also like how Haas is wearing a doo-rag and flashing gang signs at Benjamin and Benjamin is all “Bitch, please.” I take everything I just said back, Charlie Haas is awesome. There ain’t no stoppin’ him from hooking up with Mama Benjamin…NAH! She’s a better wrestler than Jackie too. Anyway, Shelton rolls up Matt for the win, and Nitro throws the Intercontinental title at Jeff. Could you imagine a tag team division with MNM, World’s Greatest Tag Team, London and Spanky and the Hardyz? Well, it’ll never happen. Hahahahahahahaha…losers.

Backstage, Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon is standing by with Totally Not Jamal.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important! What is important is that Todd Grisham is dead so there’s nobody here to ask how we feel about Edge winning the, how you say, title shot against John Cena later tonight. Not Jamal, how do you feel about that? Haha?

Totally Not Jamal: I’m not happy about it, Not Important. Edge is a strong competitor with a history of beating John Cena, and it’s not that I don’t think I could take Edge, but my beef is with Cena, you know? So, I’d really rather see Cena take this match.

Not Important: Listen here, mister, the Voice of the Undertaker may not be around any more, but I am, and if I say you’re a bloodthirsty savage from the mysterious Isle of Samoa, then that’s what you are, dammit!

Not Jamal: Uuuuuuuumaga! ARTOO DETOOOOAH!

Not Important: Haha!

(ads)

Apropos of nothing, iTunes just loaded up Mark Henry’s theme and I can’t wait for him to come back. I love that song. He should just come out ever week. Him and Coach. I could care less whether they actually wrestle. Oh, and they should give Just Kenny Chris Tian’s old music.

Backstage, Nitro and Melina are leaving….

Johnny Nitro: Do you want to go swing by the hospital to see how Mecury is doing?

Melina: Hell no. You?

Nitro: I dunno, I thought it might be kind of fun to squirt lemon juice at his nose.

Kevin Federline: Yoyoyo! What’s up, homies?!

Melina: AH! Mugger!

K-Fed: Oh! Bitch, you maced me! I can’t believe it! It’s me! K-Fed!

Melina: Who?

Nitro: Haha, sorry about that, bro. Dude, who would’ve thought you would have turned out to be the responsible parent?

K-Fed: Hell yeah, man. I always make sure everybody knows I gots my drawers on because they be all hangin’ out my pants.

Shelton Benjamin: This is what I’m talking about, you’re perpetuating…stereotypes? Charlie, I thought you said there was a black guy out here perpetuating stereotypes!

Charlie Haas: Only the blackest brotha on the planet. K-Fed, I love your style, dawg. Mad props, mad props. Show me some love.

K-Fed: Yo! Charlie! Fo sheezy, dawg.

Shelton: I think I’m going to be sick.

Nitro: You want to come to the hospital with me? I’m going to squirt lemon juice at Mercury’s wounds!

K-Fed: I heard about yo baby mama, Charlie! That’s the best feeling in the world, yo. Just make sure you keep an eye on that ass.

Charlie: Word.

Here’s Sylvester Stalone….

Sylvester Stalone: Hi everybody. Go see my movie!

Jerry “The King” Lawler: Are there puppies?

Stalone: It’s a story of good versus evil, you know?

Lawler: Who would win in a fight, Rocky or Robocop?

Stalone: Man, I gotta lot of respect for Robocop, but Rocky’s had 6 movies now, and Robocop only had the three so….

Robocop: Boo, citizen! Rocky V sucked a donkey!

Stalone: Anyway, do you think there’s any room in the WWE Hall of Fame for me? I just want to go to the dinner.

Lawler: Yeah, probably.

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Just Kenny

After all this time, who knew Kenny was his last name? (On a side note: Dykstra? Come on. You just know Kevin Dunn was sitting backstage going, “But we already have a Jack Doan. Man…I can’t wait for baseball season. I remember when baseball wasn’t about billionaire pretty boys. But those boys are pretty. I wonder what Lenny Dykstra is up to these days. Wait…Lenny…Kenny…GENIUS!”) Anyway, the entire match goes like this: Chop (WOO!), Chop (WOO!), Chop (WOO!), Kenny rolls up Flair for the pin. Flair looks shocked (because no one has beaten him ever~!) and offer’s Kenny his hand to shake, but Just Kenny doesn’t play that way. Plus, you don’t know where that hand has been.

(ads)

Edge v. John Cena
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Oh, bitch, please. We’re only halfway through the show. The only way the title is going to change hands here is if John Cena gets pissed off and attacks Earl Hebner until he reverses the decision. Which I could totally see happening. And he’d attack Hebner even though he had nothing to do with it, just out of spite. Honestly, I don’t see why Hunter and Cena don’t get along better. They’re essentially the same person. Hell, I bet Cena has a pet kitten named Scribblins and he listens to Jewel or something. And he’s married to Stephanie McManus. He’s just one note off every time. Like…Alternate Universe Triple H.

(ads)

Incidentally, if any of you buy a cat in the next month, I want you call it Scribblins. That’s the best cat name I think I’ve ever come up with. You’d have to, like, teach it how to draw or something for the name to have any value. But hell…what good is a cat that can’t draw? Speaking of not drawing, Cena and Edge are still locked into immortal battle number 958. Randy Orton comes out to lend a hand to Edge, but the WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda is asleep so he doesn’t see Cena fall over. This brings DX out, and they hit the PEDIGREE TO EDGE~! Cena is over for the cover, and the ref slaps the snooze button three times. Eh. Close enough. See, I told you Hunter and John would be best of friends.

(ads)

Hey, it’s Cryme Tyme!

JTG: Yo! Yo! Yo! YO! YOOOOOO! I stole that from John Cena.

Shad Gaspard: Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas have been saying some very hurtful things lately.

JTG: About being the World’s Greatest Tag Team? Yeah, what’s up with that?! We’re the World’s Greatest Tag Team!

Shad: No, no, no. Not even close. About us being too “urban” or “charismatic” for our own good. Apparently, JTG, we’re just too black.

JTG: Word?

Shad: Word. So we’ve decided to prove that we can be as white as every other black person in this company by doing a skit that makes us look horribly, horribly dorky. So without further ado, here’s President George Bush!

President George Bush: Thank you, gentleman! America, read my lips: No New Taxes!

JTG: Hahaha! That’s hilarious! George Bush is always talkin’ about taxes!

Bush: My fellow Americans, I want to show you the seven points of light.

Shad: Yoyoyoyoyoyo! JTG, man, I thought I told you to go get a George W. Bush impersonator. This clown is doin’ George H. W. Man…you ruined everything.

JTG: For real though, it was either this guy or a guy who looked and acted nothing like George Bush and barely vaguely looked like him from a distance.

Shad: Dayum. Hey…wait a second. Dana Carvey?! Have you really sunk this low?

Dana Carvey: Did you see me in Master of Disguise?

Shad: Heeeeell no.

Carvey: Then, yes. Yes, I have.

JTG: I just stole your wallet! Hootie Hoo!

Carvey: Aww…I need that for bus fare! Fake Secret Service Guys go get them!

Danny Basham: Nah. I’m just killing time until ECW tomorrow.

Carvey: Who’s running this show anyway? Could it be…SATAN!?

Balls Mahoney: Oooh! That would be cool!

(ads)

Victoria v. Alexis Laree

This one is non-title, because if they made it a title match…that would be the end of this, and they’ve got to string it out for a couple more weeks, at least. Maybe Victoria can break Boobsie’s nose again. That would be pretty awesome. Speaking of which, Victoria tries to break Alexis’ nose, but Alexis’ boobs slow the thrust of the kick. I think she learned that one from Raven. It did do enough damage though, that Victoria is able to hit the Widow’s Peak and get the pin. I think Alexis learned that from Raven too.

Here’s a shot of K-Fed scratching his balls.

(ads)

K-Fed is out for an in-ring interview! Yes!

Jim Ross: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to present to you one of the greatest minds of our time. He’s a legend of music, a master thespian, and a beautiful poet. The tragic story of his falling out with his dear love Brittany Spears and her spiral into drugs, alcohol, exhibitionism and poor parenting on the arms of Paris Hilton and Kelly Kelly has brought a tear to all of our hearts. It’s with great pleasure that I introduce to you a man who I think has a real chance at becoming the next WWE Spinnin’ Champion, Kevin Federline!

Kevin Federline: Thanks for the mad props, J.R. That was wicked tight! DCzie! It’s your boy K-Fed. Or at least it was. You see, a lot of people have been clownin’ on me lately, sayin’ K-Fed sucks or “K-Fed can’t sell out a phone booth.” These people…they’re right, dawgs. I’ve lost my smile. Suddenly, walking around in a wife beater with a cap tossed lazily to one side and a pair of pants three sizes too big…it doesn’t seem as thrilling as it used to. So, go ahead. Make all your jokes. Boo me if you want. Because come January first, the dawning of a new year, K-Fed will be dead, and there will only be Albrejandro Magnanimo, Glorious Butterfly. Now choke on THOSE nuts!

(ads)

Edge, R-

(ads)

Edge, Randy Orton and Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon) v. John Cena and DX

Ok, I hate it when they do that. A lot. In case you were wondering, no, I’m not going to do a Christmas in Iraq Satire. That’s too many matches and meandering video packages, ya’lls. Is this show over yet? Not Jamal and Cena bail almost immediately, and then amuse themselves by throwing eachother through the entrance ramp siding. Shane was pretty weak to bounce off that. Eventually, Edge gets tired of having to have three matches to carry this damn show, so he just pulls out a chair and smacks Hunter. That’s the DQ, but I bet it felt pretty good. While Hunter gushes from Mount St. Headwound, Orton and Edge go after Shawn Michaels. Before they can reach him, however, they’re upended by Dean Malenko. Hell yeah! Dean is totally going to join DX!

In Two Weeks: RAW Returns with a New Years Day vengeance when…ugh…I’ll be so hung over I don’t even want to think about it. Plus, Dean Malenko works on the stubbiest crotch chops ever. And Kevin Federline turns in what is sure to be the year’s first Match of the Year candidate against John Cena.

Have a safe and wonderful Holiday Season, whatever you may choose or choose not to celebrate.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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