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RAW SATIRE    
Federline > Britney? 

January 4, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Two Weeks Ago: We went a whole three hours, and manÖI donít want to spend three hours with ANY of those people again. OkÖmaybe Alexis and Maria. Team Rated rKo took out DX on a show which didnít mean anything, which means theyíll be fiiiiine this week. Plus, for some reason Dana Carvey was there. I donít remember. Maybe Iíll rememberÖTONIGHT!
 
John Cena v. Kevin Federline (w/ Johnny Nitro)

What made Britney pass out Monday morning? Too much APPLE DOUGH! K-Fed has his own Everlast boxing robe, which is hilarious for some inexplicable reason. K-Fed mentions that his homeboy Coach hooked him up with a No DQ match, which is a relief, I was just thinking that K-Fed wouldnít have a shot at winning this one.

Cena offers up a free headlock, and Federline takes him down with a triangle choke. Cena rolls through it, but K-Fed keeps the roll going and hits him with some rolling Germans. Cena with a takedown, but Kevin reverses the momentum and knocks Cena off his feet. Indie Appreciation Clap. Then Totally Not Jamal materializes in the ring, by the power of the Stacker Two bees, and hits Cena with the Thumb to the Eye. J.R. calls for the DQ, because heís an idiot, but WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda remembers the rules of the match. K-Fed over for the coverÖFEDERLINE WINS! FEDERLINE WINS! BY GAWD!! KEVIN FEDERLINE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!

(ads)

I wonder if Vince needs to fulfill the requirements of K-Fedís concert rider every time he shows up. Well, apparently so, because he, Nitro, and Melina are backstage partying down with six (6) one liter sized bottle spring waters (cold, no Evian), one (1) bottle of Grey Goose Vokda, and one (1) small platter of thinly sliced ham & turkey.

Johnny Nitro: Talk about partying like a rock star! Check out this one quart sized bottle of Ocean Spray Cran-Apple Juice!

Melina: Me? Iím partying down with these two aromatherapy pillar candles!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Hi, I really like this one ashtray! Wow, itís like thereís comfortable seating for two (2) to four (4) adults in here!

Melina: No need to repeat yourself, bitch! What do you want anyway?

Maria: Maria neep Towels Like Cordially Clapping, and Iím standing by with Kevin Federline, and Kevin, I heard youíre single again, so I was thinking, since I like skuzzy, skinny guys with weird hair, maybe I could neep Fed.

Melina: Heís not ďK-FedĒ any more! BITCH!

Melina slaps Maria while K-Fed is all like, ďDude, WTF?Ē Now, hereís a shot of DX for some reason. Back to Federline. Huh?

Jonathan Coachman: ĎSup, dudes? Is there room in here for me?

Kevin Federline: Is now, comfortably thanks to Melina here ruining my chance with that hot babe.

Melina: Trust me, Kevin. She neeps everybody. She tried to neep me one time.

K-Fed: Duuude! Hot!

Johnny Nitro: How come you never told me that?!

ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidsonĒ: She does not tell you a lot of THINGS!

K-Fed: This is uncomfortable!

Batista: You are telling ME!

Coach: IímÖumÖgoing to leave. I just wanted to tell you all that 2007 is going to be a bad year for John Cena, because tonight, heís going to face Johnny Nitro, me, Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon, and Totally Not Jamal in a handicap match.

Nitro: And heíll beat us all, you stupid bastard.

Batista: I am enjoying this gourmet cheese tray with CRACKERS!

(ads)

Cryme Tyme and The Highlanders v. Cade & Murdoch and The Worldís Greatest Tag Team

Woo! I love it when the booking team says, ďWe need a matchÖWho are the tag teams again?Ē Cryme Tyme steals Shaqís wallet, so Shaq pulls out his official police badge and gun and arrests them. Child porn and overt ethnic humor, those are the crimes Shaq fights. But then he lets them go, because heís just too nice. Shelton and Haas bail though, because theyíre not down with the thuggery evident in the NBA. So that leaves Cade and Murdoch against two tag teams, and if you think thatís going to lastÖnah, youíre smarter than that. Cade gets pinned by Shad. Afterwards, Shaq hits the ring and takes everybody out with his patented Shaq-Fu.

(ads)

Rob Conway v. Jeff Hardy

WaitÖRob Conway?! Seriously? Conway is so surprised at his sudden influx of TV time, he grabs a mic.

Rob Conway: Iím on TV! Holy crap! A few days ago, Iím not even cool enough to show up on Internet Heat, and now just look at me! Iím on RAW! Ainít I a site to see? Hahaha! Man! You know what? Iím going to drag this out for a couple more minutes! I swear if I donít get five minutes of TV time right now, Iím going to quit this company and try to go to TNA to join LA-

Jeff rolls Conway up for the win.

Vince McMahon: Now thatís what I call a match! Jeff, that was fantastic. Quite frankly, I liked it so much Iím wearing this festive Hawaiian shirt. Iím felling SO good, Iím going to go to a tanning salon and take pictures of my privates for everyone to see.

Jeff Hardy: Iím pretty sure thereís a TV show on Cartoon Network about that.

Vince: DAMN THAT TED TURNER! And another thing, who does Donald Trump think he is having bad hair and having sex with his young employees? Thatís my job, dammit! Iím the creepy billionaire around here, mister! And Rob Conway? Youíve got your wish. Youíre free to go to TNA to join LAX.

Conway: But, Vince, while youíve been here rambling, Iíve been on TV for five minutes! Iíve hit my yearly quota! Iím perfectly happy in WWE again!

Vince: Youíre FIIIIIIIIIIIIRED anyway!

Conway: Can I go to ECW?

Vince: Meh. Sure.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Just Kenny.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and Iím standing by with Just Kenny. Kenny, Iíve got to ask you, what the hell is the deal with you escaping the Spirit Squad to feud with Ric Flair?

Just Kenny: Spirit Squad? Donít be ridiculous. Thatís Spirit Squad Kenny, who I have to admit was quite a looker. But Iím Just Kenny. I think you have your Kennys confused.

Grisham: Look, bro, The Voice of the Undertaker still hasnít been seen in weeks, so I can say this. I know you, Ken Doane, the illegitimate future child of WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan!

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan: Son from the future, please. Leave Ric Flair alone, and take up the family name.

Kenny: No! NO! Iím Just Kenny, dammit! JUST. KENNY. And Ric Flair? They say that death comes in threes! James Brown. Gerald Ford. Saddam Hussein. But I say that death comes in foursÖ.

Todd Grisham bites his cyanide pill. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kenny: Ok. Fives. It comes in fives.

Doan: IÖI donít think Todd Grisham really counts, you know?

Kenny: Oh, never mind.

Elsewhere, another establishing shot of DX. Thanks, guys. Almost forgot who they were there for a minute.

(ads)

DX is in the ring!

Triple H: Art Thou Ready?!

Shawn Michaels: No! Iím not ready! Iím pissed off! Two weeks ago, we got attacked by Orton and Edge, and now everybodyís forgotten about us! You guys canít forget about us! Weíre like Tinkerbell, your applause keeps us alive!

HHH: Shawn, what the hell are you talking about?

Shawn: Think about it, Hunter. Why are we still main eventing? When guys leave here to wrestle in (and get kicked out) of Japan, getting coked out of their minds and running off to TNA, and donít even get me started on what went wrong with Rhyno and Chris Tian. I mean, hell, man, weíre pretty much the only guys with any credibility left from any era.

HHH: WellÖthereís BenoitÖ.

Shawn: Huh?

HHH: Man, Iím just messing with you. So whatís your point?

Shawn: I only agreed to do this feud if it meant that I could kick the crap out of those punk kids, and now? We practically jobbed to them last week, Trips. Itís making my skin crawl just thinking about it.

HHH: Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. Remember when we feuded with Vince? And we put his face in Big Showís butt? This feudís gonna end the same way, man. But weíve gotta give those guys a little slack or else we wonít be able to extend it long enough to get a PPV payday.

Shawn: I donít wanna!

HHH: Howís about we go to McDonalds and get some Happy Meals. Would that make you feel better?

Shawn: Maaaaaybe.

HHH: Come on, buddy. Letís go get some happy meals.

Shawn: I want the McNuggets.

HHH: Sure, Shawn. You can get the McNuggets.

(ads)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) v. Melina

Victoria is out at ringside, and she still has the ďCanít Cover MeĒ list. Oh come on, we all know you ran out of women. Unless you can dig up WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Matthews somewhere. Melina wins, of course, and Victoria comes into the ring. Oh, no way! Heel bitches gots to stick together! And they do, attacking Lillian Garcia. Man, thatís pretty boring. She hasnít had a match in, like, six years, has she? Didnít she wrestle Howard Finkle one time? Anyway, itís all for naught, because Alexis Laree comes out to make the save, because Raven always taught her to look out for the announcers.

(ads)

Last week, a lot of these people were in Iraq. Some of them got shot at! Why wouldnít RVD want to get in on that?

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Ric Flair (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Just Kenny and ďIron Chef WrestlingĒ Chris Masters

Wow, all these guys are vaguely feuding, plus Ross and Lawler are harping on Masters. This week is continuitastic! Must have something to do with the holiday layover. Happy New Year by the way. I didnít really do anything exciting. I ate a lot. Little tacos, and these little ťclair things. Delicious. Man, how much more space do I have to fill before the ad break? Tacquitos. Those are good too. Just Kenny is making fun of Ric Flair. Do deaths really come in fives?

(ads)

When we come back, Carlito is pan frying a fish while Masters complains to UPW Senior Referee Marty Rubacala about how heís doing it all wrong. I donít think Marty has been here long enough to give a ratís ass. Why does J.R. keep calling him Marty Alliance? I guess it is a better wrestling name. But itís not like Rubacala was taken. Just Kenny rolls Flair up on the ropes for the pin. After the match, Randy Orton and Edge run in and beat the hell out of Ric Flair including another Conchairto. That makes for beating 1,000,000 on Ric Flair since he rejoined WWE! Confetti falls from the ceiling as Orton and Edge jump around at ringside and high five fans. Orton gets on the mic and says that heíd like to ďthank my fronds and fantasy for this grasshopper!Ē I bet DX is pissed they missed this, they love parties. It is a little funny that theyíre absent every time Flair is attacked.

(ads)

Backstage, Totally Not Jamal is eating pickles.

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman, Johnny Nitro, Totally Not Jamal, and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon (w/ Kevin Federline) v. John Cena

Cena with the clear 1:4 advantage here. Is Not Jamal really main eventing a PPV Sunday? Really?! Geez. Somewhere, Suga Rosey just died a little inside. Hell, probably 90% of the roster did. Armando isnít even wearing ring gear, unless heís bringing the IRS look back. He needs to be fatter and have a tie. Cena locks the STFU on Not Jamal, and Not Jamal isnít really sure how to sell it, so he doesnít. Armando tries to break up the monotony of things by grabbing a chair so they can play musical chair, but Cena grabs it and nails Not Jamal with it. Thatís the olí DQ. Coach, Nitro, Armando and Not Jamal win!! Itís A Week After Christmas Miracle!!! It doesnít mean much when your whole team gets FUíd though immediately afterwards. If Cena is the one standing, does that mean that heís going to lose on Sunday? And hey, when the hell did Johnny Nitro become such a big star anyway? Was I sleeping that week? Or sleeping off a hangover like I was this week? Oh wait, Cena grabs K-Fed, and 3...2...1...The Greaseball has dropped! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Next Week: New Years Restitution kicks off with the hotly contested finish to the Val Venis/Viscera feud. Plus, DX is somehow missing during their own match while Orton and Edge beat up Ric Flair. And in a fluke decision, John Cena loses the WWE Spinniní Title to Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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