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January 31, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: Shawn Michaels almost overcame The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker in the Royal Rumble. John Cena beat Totally Not Jamal when Cena told him that there was no Xanta Claus, and Not Jamal was reduced to a quivering mass of tears. Also, The Great Khali ate The Miz. How many mohawked hair balls will he cough up…TONIGHT?!
And we open with Shawn Michaels….

Shawn Michaels: Shoot, you guys, I really thought I had it this year! I figured once we got past Sandman and Viscera it was going to be cleeeeeeeear sailing. Especially with the power of Jesus on my side. But I forgot that nobody wins in their home town. And what I didn’t count on is the Undertaker running around without his voice

screwing up everything. I mean…Hot damn. And now with Taker’s body going after Lashley and Paul London taking on “Dave” Batista “Davidson” who in the hell is left to go after John Cena? Val Venis? Charlie Haas?


John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! YO! YOOOOOO!

Beat down a Samoan,
Turnbuckle to the head,
Who would’ve thunk it?
Noggins made of lead!

Rumble winner is on Smackdown,
Who’s going to headline RAW?
Shawn Michaels, Val Venis?

Torrie Wilson
in a bra?

RAW is hotter than hot,
is out on DVD,
Check out the bonus scene,
Cena in a gunfight with a zany bee!

Who gets the Main Event cheer?
Why, it’s Jonathan Cena!

Edge: Agh. I’m sick of your stupid ass rhyming! Look, I’m willing to end my goddamn Wrestlemania win streak if it means that, in front of 800,000 people in attendance and the dozens more watching at home, I can punch you right in the ol’ ball sack. That is how much I hate you, Cena.

Shawn: Does this mean I have to share the title shot again? I hate doing that. Damn you, Benoit! That was my year!

Randy Orton: If any bloody know about spearing tittie spots, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! I once speared my tittie shot with Red Montevideo! It was the grapest Restfulphagia main accent of all crime!

Edge: No! No no no no no no no. NO! I’m tired of being in matches with you, Orton. I don’t care if we ARE the WWE Tag Team Champions, I am not sharing my Wrestlepha-Mania…Wrestlemania main event with you.

Orton: Scoot yourself, Sledge, I’m torrid of Teen Rapid Arcade-O too. I really want to limp out my dame of main erecting an Easy W Paper Do!

Edge: It’s not worth it. Trust me.

Vince McMahon: I hate the whole lot of you. I wish Triple H wouldn’t have gotten hurt, we wouldn’t even have this conversation. He would have eliminated all 29 other guys in the Rumble last night, and would be here tonight kicking all your asses. But he’s not, so I don’t give a crap who wrestles in the Mania Main Event. You guys all fight it out backstage.


Backstage, it’s Cryme Tyme

Shad Gaspard: I’d like to give a shout out to my homies, Nate Dawg, D-Train, L’il Whizzle, Goxie-

JTG: Yo, and mad ups to my moms, yo.

Shad: Your mom?! Bitch, please! Don’t go be givin’ mad ups to your mom in the middle of RAW.

JTG: Shad, my mother raised me to be the man I am today, a nominally successful tag team wrestler on the most popular wrestling program on television today. Please, a little respect?

Shad: My bad.

JTG: Also, mad props to my man, Tre Death.

Shad: Word.

Cryme Tyme v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

This match proves, once again, that Charlie Haas is the blackest man on the WWE Roster. You know what Cryme Tyme needs? A manager. I wonder what Barry Darsow is doing right now. If only Repoman were here to show them how to steal legally! Hahaha. Actually they’d probably just kick his ass for being the Black Top Bully. Yes, I did go look up Barry Darsow on Wikipedia. He lives, like, an hour from me, apparently. I should got see if he’s into this idea. Shelton rolls up JTG, because RAW is all about putting over it’s one black tag team.

Backstage, Vince is standing with Melina.

Vince McMahon: Who the hell are you?

Melina: Mr. McMahon! I’m Melina! Remember? I helped you fire Mick Foley?

Vince: No…I don’t remember doing anything like that. Are you sure that wasn’t Teddy Long?

Melina: Ugh. No! Teddy Long helped us fire Mercury.

Vince: And a fine job he did of it too. What do you want?

Melina: I think you’re supposed to say, “Seize the day, Melina!” and then I’m supposed to shove my boobs into your face.

Vince: At least half of that sounds like something I’d do. Let me check my script.

Melina: Vince, aren’t you worried the Voice of the Undertaker will come back?

Vince: The Voice of the Undertaker is DEAD DAMMIT! Now, let’s see here…”Shoot you guys…blah blah blah…in a gunfight with a zany bee…uh-huh…Scoot yourself, Sledge…yeah, here we go! Seize the day, Maria!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Will do! Thank’s, Vince!

Melina: Hey!

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, isn’t it time you kicked your feud with-

Vince: Donald Trump into high gear? I mean, if you want it to be Wrestlemania calibur, The Donal-” Coach, if I want your advice on how to book my show, I’ll send you to Stephanie, who would just throw Aurora’s diapers at you!

Coach: With all due respe-

Vince: “-ct, Mr. McMahon, I just think that this feud could be huge if we promoted it right.” Coach, I don’t need you telling me what to do. I’m Vince McMahon, dammit! “Oh, I’ve had enough of this! Give me that script!”

Coach: Give it to me! Right this second!

Vince: Never! You’ll never take tonight’s script away from me! Hahahaha! “Oh, yes I will, Mr. McMahon!” How’s that? Oh no!

Coach smacks Vince over the head with a large vase and takes the script.


Here’s clips from the very first Royal Rumble match, won by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan who would go on to Wrestlemania that year to defeat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Title.

Melina has the mic.

Melina: I am out here to wrestle Maria. Did…did I need mic time for that?

Melina v. Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool)
In a Number 1 Contender’s Match for the WWE Women’s Title

I love how the male’s never come out for their valet’s matches. I can just see Nitro backstage all, “Nah, baby, it’s cool. You’ve got this one. I’ll see you later, I’ve got these corn chips that are almost expired, you know I gotta eat that quick.” Man, you can almost see the crowd slowly coming to grips with the fact that nothing is happening on this show until the main event. It’s like, slowly washing over the arena. Melina wins with what can only be described as, “What a maneuver, that was Brain!”


Todd Grisham is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve got to a-

Shawn Michaels: Hold on a second. You’re going to ask me how I feel about teaming up with John Cena tonight in a tag team title match, right?

Grisham: Yeah. So?

Shawn: Then I’m going to ramble for a bit about how Jesus will bring me the fruits of my labor, yada yada, and then you’re going to ask me why I tried to Super Kick you last week?

Grisham: Hey, how’d you know that?

Shawn: Ah, I stole the script from Coach’s office a few minutes ago. I know, I know, stealing is a cardinal sin, but Jesus is going to forgive me in a few seconds.

Jesus: Geez, way to steal my thunder, asshole.

Shawn: Oh, and then you get eviscerated at your own hands, Todd. Sounds delightful.

Grisham: Ah ah ah. No, no. That was moved to the third act for my interview with Orton. See the big arrow there?

Shawn: Oh, yeah. Spoiler alert. Heh. Oh, and then I end with the line, “John Cena, you’re no Triple H!”

Grisham: Man, who the hell wrote that? That’s mean!

Triple H comes rolling by in a wheelchair and high fives Michaels.

Alexis Laree is at the wardrobe table.

Alexis Laree: Maybe something in a flannel shirt tied around my waist. Oh, or a white suit.

WWE Chief Costume Designer Jeff Hardy: I see you more in floral accents. Do you like rose petal? We have a lovely chartreuse bustier too. I think that would look just lovely with your skin tone. Honey, you’re a spring, don’t you forget it.

Super Crazy: Jeff, my boy, I don’t think these tights accurately portray how super and also crazy, I am.

Jeff: Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Mr. Crazy?

Jeff and Crazy: BEDAZZLER!!!

Jeff: Lordy, lordy, what fun! Let’s get to work!

Suddenly, Melina flies in out of nowhere to take Alexis out. Bedazzle gems fly everywhere as WWE Road Agent Dean Malenko and Johnny Nitro try to separate the girls.

Nitro: Melina! She’s not worth it. That’s right, Finlay’s Midget! You better back her the hell off. Now where’d I put those corn chips?

Jeff: My…my Bedazzles. They’re…RUINED!!!

This pain
Welling up inside of me.
I close the door
To my soul
Like a broken and shattered dream,
Bedazzler on the floor.
Is my life over?
Or is it


Lance Cade: I’m telling you man, semi-retirement is the best thing ever. By the time I get back, Angle will have pissed everybody off so bad, he’ll be jobbing to me like nobody’s business.

Trevor Murdoch: Jeff! Character! Well, shoot, Edge, I can’t believe you and Randy are a feudin’ and a fussin’.

Edge: I don’t get it, why the hell would I be hanging out with you guys?

Cade: Because we’re the only people on the roster whose girlfriends or sisters you haven’t banged yet.

Edge: That you know of.

Murdoch: Oh, tell me you didn’t get to Teri!

Edge: Ew! No! Actually, I did kind of have a feud with the Hardy Boyz over her once. Hahahaha…Yeah. But seriously, that’s gross. And I hate working with Orton. What gave you the impression that I didn’t? Geez. What the hell is going on here tonight? Is everybody on drugs but me? Look, all I know is that Orton and I are Un Stop A Bull if we’re on the same page.

Murdoch: What page is that?

Cade: 56, I think. Follow along, moron.

Edge: Hey! Where’d you get a copy of that script?! You guys aren’t even supposed to be on the show, you shouldn’t have that!

Cade: Man, Shawn Michaels was running off copies and then crumpling them up and throwing them at Steamboat. Then they got a crane to lift Hunter up onto the copier so they could Xerox his ass, but the crane dropped him, and he got up and he was fine. So then he was going to walk over to get some coffee, and he tripped over one of the crumpled up papers and tore his quad again.

Murdoch: So sad.

Cade: That page was 54, which was Jeff Hardy’s segment a few minutes ago, so…good luck to him, I guess. Heh.


Val Venis v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Totally Not Jamal doesn’t look well after being choked out by the top rope last week. What a stupid gimmick to use at the Rumble, by the way. They’re lucky the rope didn’t collapse when people had to hang on to it. Good to see you, Val. How’s Internet Heat. Do they miss you yet? Val gets in his only offensive move of the match (taking a step sort of in Not Jamal’s direction) and gets hit with the Thumb to the Eye. Technical wrestling at it’s finest folks. As Not Jamal and Armando head up the ramp, they are enthusiastically greeted by Vince McMahon in a giant pink foam cowboy hat.


Vince is still in the ring.

Vince: I don’t need no stinkin’ script. Quite frankly, I never have. Because tonight, in this very ring, somebody is going to get FIIIIIIIIIRED! There is no chance in hell they won’t kiss my ass. SHUT UP! I have grapefruit sized balls that will…um…1..2..thr-He got him, no he didn’t! I…um…heh. Have I said “Quite Frankly” yet?

Steven A. Smith: It still hurts! The fact that you’re not pushing Charlie Haas is Racist!

Vince: Umm…without further ado, I’d like to pull a random plant out of the crowd to accept an award on the fan’s behalf.

Roger the Ficus: Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Vince: You there, what’s your name?

Roger: Drat!

Random Plant: Hello. My name is. Um…Let me, like, start over. My name is, like…I forgot what you guys told me to say, so can I just use my real name?

Vince: That’s great, Jackie-

Jackie?: Who’s Jackie? My name is Bridgette.

Vince: -because I’ve got a hell of a surprise for you! This life sized portrait of The Rock we’ve had sitting in our basement at Titan Towers for the last seven years. Remember when Rock gave that to Farrooq? Well now it’s all yours! We’ve got to clean that basement the hell out.

Ron Simmons: Well, shoot. I really liked that painting. It’d look nice in my foyer.

Bridgette: I’m the only person who went to see Gridiron Gang in theatres.

Look! On the video screen! It’s Donald Trump!

Donald Trump: Vince, I’ve been faxed a copy of the script for your show tonight, and it sucks. That’s why, to make things more interesting, I’ve decided to incite a riot in the crowd by dropping real money onto the audience. That’ll liven things up! Basham Brothers, if you’re watching, this is where your salary for this year went Suckers. Also, my daughter has yuge gozangas.

And so money doth rain down from yonder ceiling. But, yet, the crowd doth not riot! No, no! They pool their money together and rehire Rodney Mack for the night.

Vince McMahon: What a waste of $15,000 that was. Oh, I’m going to hear about that from Linda tomorrow! Right after she reattaches her jaw.


Backstage, Coach is with Vince.

Jonathan Coachman: Well, I mean if you’d read the script you’d have known that was going to happen and could’ve stopped all that money from dropping. Now who’s going to pay for your pedicure?

Vince McMahon: Shut up! I hate you. I’m going to take my limo back to the hotel. Lord knows I’m going to need all the booze I can get my hands on if Stephanie expects me on ECW tomorrow night.

Rodney Mack: Hi guys! What’s going on back here?

Coach: Not much, Rodney? You?

Rodney: Can I interest either of you in a white boy challenge?

Vince: Yep, that’s it. I’m leaving.

Friar Ferguson: I’ll take the white boy challenge! Hahaha! Where is the little rascal?

Rodney Mack v. Friar Ferguson
White Boy Challenge

Rodney Mack with the Pump Kick to Friar Ferguson! Rodney Mack wins!

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Super Crazy (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Just Kenny

Did you know that Just Kenny became the youngest wrestler ever eliminated from the Royal Rumble last night? Not that anyone cares or anything. I wonder what Hatori is doing tonight. Super Crazy, by the way, is both Super and Crazy. Just Kenny is a fantastic dick when he doesn’t have to wrestle Ric Flair every night. Which is exactly the same problem I have. Carlito pins Masters for the win. Torrie’s just happy, because she loves Latin men.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham, here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton…Here’s a copy of the script. Go.

Randy Orton: Soot, you flies, I really trout I had it, rapier! I fingered once we got cast as Spampan and Voltron-

Grisham: Randy. Page 68.

Orton: Toddster, I love being in Teen Rapid Arcade-O with my best frond in the girl, Wedge. He helped me bow up the Darth Spar, and he’s my DubbaDubbaWii Weird Flag Team Courtmanship parker! And another thing, I don’t know what Takerster is thinking leaking his body rum mild by its shelf, but I don’t spike it.

Grisham: Um…Thanks, Randy.

Orton: Now it stays “aloe poinks here.”

Grisham: Oh, right! I almost forgot!

Todd Grisham gets eviscerated at his own hands. Rodney Mack shakes his head, as Todd Grisham has fallen.


Jeff Hardy v. The Great Khali
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Khali throws Jeff over the top rope. Oh, he thinks it’s still the Royal Rumble, folks! That Great Khali is unpredictable! Or dumb. He could be dumb. How much do you suppose a guy like that eats? For his part, Jeff does get back into the ring, but he’s so devastated at the loss of all his Bedazzle sequins, that he just lets Khali throw him over the top again and then gets himself counted out. Khali celebrates his victory because he’s a moron. Man, maybe they’re trying to turn him into a loveable idiot like Uganda. Actually, they’re really going more Berzerker here. HUSS HUSS!

It’s more than a little scary that Microsoft Word recognizes Bedazzle as a proper verb.

Meanwhile, Boobsie McTitsalot is starring in her third Superbowl commercial, which means she’s been in WWE for over three years now. Suck on that one…uh…Gail Kim!


Here’s the latest addition to the Double Double E roster, Vladimir Koslov.

Vladimir Koslov: Greeting. I am here to throw Moose and Squirrel over top of rope! In Soviet Russia, Royal Rumble is eliminated from you!

Rodney Mack: I’m not buying that accent for a second, am I right folks?

Koslov: Letting fans rehire bad wrestlers? That’s why I love Double Double E!

Backstage, John Cena is eating pudding.

John Cena: Man, I love pudding. If I could afford it, I’d pay to have pudding fall from the ceiling like money. And copies of The Marine on DVD.

Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the Champ! WOO!

Cena: What’s up, Naitch?

Flair: WOO! I’m about to take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!! WOOO! Also, I’ve got a copy of the script, and…you should see the ending to tonight’s show!

Cena: No! No way, man! Spoiler free, since ‘83!

Flair: Suit yourself if you want to get Superkicked….

Cena: Gidga-What did I just say? SPOILER FREE, bitch!


Team Rated RKO v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles (with Special Guest Referee Rodney Mack)

Edge and Orton start to cheat to take an advantage on their more skilled foes, but WWE Special Guest Referee Rodney Mack puts an end to that nonsense. That’s why the fans hired him back folks. The story of the match is that Cena and Michaels work more effectively as a unit, but Cena doesn’t trust Michaels because Shawn pals around with Triple H. On the other side of the ring, Edge trips over his own shoelace and almost falls over. He and Orton have a staredown before the….


When we come back, Randy and Edge have DUELING CHINLOCKS~! applied to Cena and Michaels. Rodney Mack is there to check for the tap out, but it’s not forthcoming. Instead, in a shocking display of skill and the human spirit, Cena powers out of Orton’s chinlock and hits him with the FU for the pin. CENA AND MICHAELS ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! THE MEGA POWERS COLLIDE~!!~! And Ric Flair is Elizabeth! With a nicer rack! Shawn loads up the Superkick as per the script, but such blatant violations of kayfabe won’t long go unpunished.


Cena blocks the Superkick with his thoughts.


RVD and Tazz use their contracts to play Tic Tag Toe


Rodney Mack high fives every fan in the arena.


The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker appears from a giant fiery portal.


Somewhere, a very pissed off voice awaits its moment.

Next Week: John Cena teams up with Shawn Michaels to defend the Tag Titles against The World’s Blackest Tag Team. Plus, The Great Khali just can NOT figure out how to win a “No Countout Match.” Plus, Donald Trump makes it very clear that he has no intention of appearing on ECW. Ever.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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