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RAW SATIRE    
Jesus Says, "Take the Wigger Out" 

February 20, 3007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The father of Anna Nicole’s baby was revealed in all those Happened off TV report things. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” stood transfixed by The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker’s terrible mascara job. And Donald Trump challenged Vince McMahon to a match at Wrestlemania. Which is fantastic. What two old men will challenge each other…TONIGHT?!
 
Speaking of one of those specific old men, here’s Vince McMahon who’s strutting down to the ring. This happens every week. I guess it never gets old? Hey, there’s a barber shop set up in the ring! Dammit, I thought Hogan wasn’t coming back. Why would they bring Beefcake back by himself?! Oh…Wait…The hair thing. I forgot all about that.
 

Vince McMahon: Yeah! All right! I can’t wait until Wrestlemania, folks! Because believe it or not, I’m actually in an angle with a real live businessman who people have actually heard of. Ok, ok, it’s only Donald Trump. But still. What I’m going to do is I’m going to let my guy beat Trump’s guy, then I’m going to walk over there, and I’m going to beat up Donald Trump! And he’s going to sell better than The Great Khali! And then I’m going to have his daughter Ivanka come out of the crowd, and she’s going to slap me silly with her ridiculous boobs because she was IN ON IT ALL ALONG! Then we’re going to make out while the barber takes these…these…

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Safety SCISSORS!

Vince: And we’re going to give him a hair cut like WWE Superstar Kevin Federline’s ex-wife! That’s right! I read the newspaper occasionally! Mostly for the funnies.

Batista: Me TOO!

Vince: And because it’s tradition, some of the staff had a photoshop contest with Donald Trump’s head. Here’s Donald Trump as some kind of goat! And here he is on Easter Island…because he’s old, I guess. And here his head is a hot air balloon. He sure is full of hot air! Hahahahaha! And here he is as Samwise Gamgee which…Man…I don’t know.

Tommy Dreamer: You suck, Trump!

Vince: Anyway, without further ado, here’s my representative for Wrestlemania! Totally Not Jamal!

Sure enough it is Totally Not Jamal and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon. Vince looks very pleased with himself. Maybe he was thinking to himself, “Who can I pick that isn’t Jamal?” and now he’s completely satisfied that he got it right? I dunno. Anyway, Not Jamal has a match against Jeff Hardy and it’s time for them to get it on. In the most figurative of senses, I’m guessing. Hey look! Vince and Jeff are having an epic staredown for no reason! Though if you look closely, you can almost see Vince whispering, “This is for Willie the Worker, you son of a bitch.”

(ads)

Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon) v. Jeff Hardy
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

What happened to Jeff’s totally hot feud with Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters? Or wait, was I the only one who thought it was a totally hot feud? Ok then. You know, now that I see the two of them just kind of awkwardly running into each other I just don’t think Jeff is wearing enough pink tonight. No way he’s winning. It’s weird though, he’s like, one of the most settled down wrestlers on the roster now. Crazy. His gift for becoming a valuable talent? Thumb to the eye! Totally Not Jamal looks like he’s about to eat the title, but Armando steals it away. Not Jamal is sad.

(ads)

Mick Foley has a new book coming out about how much he friggin’ hates wrestling. In other words, somebody has been surfing the message boards.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch v. Ric Flair & Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson)

There’s a lot of wrestling history in this match, and only half of it is in Torrie Wilson’s crotch. I like the awesome amount of continuity all over these guys, after feuding for weeks, Flair and Carlito are best of friends. Even if he isn’t Carlito’s real dad, Flair will happily be Carlito’s tag team dad. Carlito and Flair cheat to win, which is hilarious because they’re fighting Cade and Murdoch. After the match Flair and Carlito hug, because…they’re such great friends. Maybe Torrie can turn heel on them.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage standing by with Shawn Michaels and John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels and John Cena, and guys, I have to ask you, how are you going to be tag team champions when you have to wrestle each other in just over 40 days at Wrestlemania?

Shawn Michaels: Well, Todd, that’s an interesting question. But what’s an even more interesting question is what in the world could we possibly have spent three discs on for the new DX? I think these three discs contain literally every second of TV time Hunter and I have had since we started this last year. Including this right here.

John Cena: More like you would need 20 discs for that. Because you guys were on TV, like, all the time. How about this “Unrated” copy of The Marine. It’s only one minute longer, but you know what that one minute is? Hardcore sex. Yeah. That’s right. You can see my schlong.

Grisham: You did not just call your penis a schlong. And why the hell am I even here? None of you ever listen to my goddamn questions. You all just talk about whatever the hell you want to talk about anyway. Why do I even bother?!

Shawn: That’s an excellent question, Todd.

Big Dick Johnson: I’m Fat and Dancin’ around! WOOOOOO!

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Cena: Spray some of that baby oil on the belt here, the spinnin’ mechanism is starting to squeak.

Grisham: Man, my dad was right about this job.

Then Shawn super kicks Big Dick.

Shawn: I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t approve of any of that.

Jesus: Eh. Whatever floats his boat. I do not judge what a man wants to do with baby oil in front of millions of TV viewers.

Elsewhere….

Edge: I can’t believe the gall of those guys. That segment didn’t make any sense, and yet they’re the main event at Wrestlemania? Ridiculous.

Randy Orton: Yeah, if there was any joust fists in this whirl, Ranky Q. Morgan and Madge would be the in the Made Elephant at Wafflearia.

Edge: Well, Randy, maybe I’ll still have my chance. Tonight I take on Rob Van Dam for a spot in the Money in the Bank match, and dammit, I’m going to beat him and qualify.

Orton: That’s white, Ced! You’re going to beat Ron Can Ham and take a sport in the Monkey in the Band laughter match at Westfallteria, and then you’re going to call out Easy Doug’s veggie own Buggie Langly! And it’s going to be End Cream Ruse!

Edge: I could really use some end cream right about now, actually.

(ads)

Edge v. Rob Van Dam
In a Qualifying Match for the Money In the Bank Match at Wrestlemania

I guess this is as good a time as any to note that the ring announcer for tonight is ECW’s Justin Roberts. What, was Lillian busy? “Oh, I’d love to make it to RAW tonight, but I just realized that I have an appointment with…um…your show is boring. It’s boring and I hate having to watch it every week. Get that ECW guy to do it.” Rob breaks out some flippy kicks, but Edge isn’t having any of that crap, so we’re pretty much at a stalemate, so why don’t we use this time to take a word from our sponsors.

(ads)

RVD hits the Split Legged Moonsault, and Jim Ross freaks out, because…Rob’s never won a match with that move. I don’t know. There’s a fantastic sequence where Rob goes for the Rolling Thunder, but ends up floating in mid air for five minutes before Edge comes up and gives him a DVD. I think it was The Departed. Anyway, Orton comes out and tries to talk Rob into falling over, but RVD kicks him in the face instead. Edge, ever the master of opportunity, Spears them both for the win. That’s right. Off Wrestlemania with you, Van Dam.

(ads)

Melina v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Awww…It’s like they have their own division all to themselves! What ever happened to Victoria anyway? Did her bionic knee finally give out? Well, it really doesn’t matter because there’s only really room for two of these girls on TV at any one time, and these are the two what got the spots. Alexis is kind of broody tonight, and I don’t know if she’s just taking the cue from Raven that it’s brooding season, or if she’s totally jobbing to Johnny Nitro’s valet. Oops, she’s just jobbing. We have a new Women’s Champion, folks! Aren’t you…I don’t know…excited?

(ads)

Backstage, Alexis is crying over spilled milk.

Alexis Laree: I spilled my milk and lost the Women’s Title? This just isn’t my day. WAAAAAAH!

Boobsie McTitsalot: I have boobs, but nobody cares about my boobs? WAAAAAAAH!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I haven’t neeped anybody in months! WAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: Everybody is sad! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Todd Grisham: Geez. You bitches need to shut up and just get naked already. Nobody gives a rats ass about your division or your problems.

Todd Grisham has been beaten to death by an angry mob of semi-wrestlers. Todd Grisham has fallen.

The Highlanders v. The Great Khali

The Highlanders regale each other with stories about the time they fought a nine foot tall giant Imortal and neither of them could cut off his head, and so Rory had to stand on Robbie’s shoulders, and Robbie was all pissed off because Rory got the quickening and all the giant’s powers, which were mostly laundry related for some reason. Which leads to a big argument about whose job it is to wash their new kilts, and finally, even Khali is sick of this crap, so he just comes over karate chops then in the head. Khali wins.

(ads)

On the entrance ramp, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is doling out free haircuts and free powerbombs. Both are equally popular with the crowd.

Elsewhere….

Just Kenny: Look, I don’t get it. First of all you guys ignore my awesome association with Edge and Orton, then you ignore my awesome victories over Ric Flair, my awesome Rumble promo, now you’re shoehorning me into this lame ten second segment?

Jonathan Coachman: You’re lucky you get that, kid. Now hit the bricks.

The Great Khali: GUNG FAHLCH BECOOOSKIE!

Coach: Say what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Austin: Seriously folks, come see my movie The Condemned coming to a DVD rack and Netflix account near you.

Khali: AFLLLUF BMPHX NAGOOONIE!

Coach: Umm…Yeah. I guess we can watch Goonies…

In another backstage area….

Some New Announcer Guy: I’m-

Johnny Nitro: No! You don’t get a name, Todd Grisham’s replacement. You know what? Shut up. You’re certainly no WWE Diva Josh Matthews, what ever happened to him anyway?

Melina: Sadly, he was shot and killed by Tim White last year.

Nitro: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooo! Why, God, Why?!

Jesus: Meh.

Melina: Does anybody care that I won the Women’s Title?

Nitro: Nope.

Announcer Guy: No.

Jesus: Couldn’t care less.

Melina: Just checking.

The Next Hall of Fame Inductee is Curt Hennig. I’ve pronounced my feelings in other columns, so let me just say: I STILL love that music.

John Cena is wandering around. What possibly for?

(ads)

Randy Orton v. John Cena

Next week Misters Orton and Cena will be teaming with their respective partners for a Tag Team Title match next week on RAW. Nice of them to remember about that. Orton starts off with a CHINLOCK TO CENA~!, but Cena stands firm with some punches. Man, it’s easy to see why these two are the pride of OVW. He gets Cena down in the ropes, so Orton goes outside to grab a chair. WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda admonishes him, but Orton is just out there to have a seat for these….

(ads)

Orton is cinching in a chinlock when we get back. Don’t overexert yourself Randy, we’ve still got, like, five minutes left in this show. Cena pushes him off and goes for the FU, but Edge is out to take him down with the Spear. That’s a DQ, but I don’t think anybody cares. Edge and Orton are all set up to take Cena down with some chair shots, but Shawn Michaels runs down for the save. Will Shawn hit Cena with the chair? What would Jesus do?!

Jesus: Take the wigger out! I don’t care if he gave me that belt, bloody the bitch!

But Shawn just scuffles Cena’s hair and prances off. BUILD UP TO WRESTLEMANIA~!

Next Week: Donald Trump selects his representative: Val Venis. Shawn Michaels protects John Cena from scurvy by giving him an orange. And Jeff Hardy gets back at Not Jamal and Mr. McMahon by writing a nasty poem.

Will you be here?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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