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RAW SATIRE    
Fear the BoogeySpears~! 

March 6, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels turned on every partner heís ever had. Except God, I guess. And Whysper. Shelton Benjamin fell over, thus pretty much ruining his reputation as the ďgood workerĒ between him and Jeff Hardy. And Donald Trump selected his representative: Boggy Lavalamp. Who will he select as his representativeÖTONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is talking to John Cena.

Shawn Michaels: No, no! I swear! I triple doggie pinky swear. Iím not going to turn on you!

John Cena: Shawn Michaels, are you planning on turning on me right this second?

 
Shawn: Yes. I mean no! No! Crap. Geez. Letís try that again, ok?

Cena: What evidence could you possibly give to me that youíre not going to turn one me?

Shawn: Look, John, Iíll play it straight with you. Somebody sent me a package after the Royal Rumble with something that makes it impossible for me to turn on you. Iíd been trying to keep it a secret, but Iím ready to show you.

Shawn pulls out a box-

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

John Cena: Wow. Shawn, that really does explain everything. Iím sorry I ever doubted you.

Shawn Michaels: Thatís ok, kid. I could hardly believe it myself.

Cena: Man. Can I take a look at that thing one more time?

Shawn: Sure thing, Iíve got a match right now. Just donít lose it!

Cena: Something like this? No way!

Randy Orton (w/ Edge) v. Shawn Michaels

Nice to see those crazy kids from Team Rated RKO working out their differences. Itís funny that Edge gets to be the valet though. You can tell it pisses him off too. Which is even better. Did you see them on Deal or No Deal with Sign Guy? Gertnerís really lost a lot of weight. Actually, the guy looks and sounds a lot like one of those actors thatís always in those low rent comedy movies. So expect him to get a WWE Films contract soon:

In a world where laryngitis has decimated the worldís population. In a world where monks rule the earth. One man stood up, and let his voice be heard. Sign Guy is Sign Guy in a WWE Film. Vince McMahon Presents a Vince McMahon Production: Sign Guy. Summer 2008.

(ads)

Ortonís busting out the Boston Crab! Who the hell does he think he is? Rick Martel? Geez. I guess somebody old him to mix up his restholds. No more Chinlocks for Lent, Randy! Well, except for at Wrestlemania of course. Or else whatever match you have wonít work. Not that it will anyway, butÖOh wait, Shawn just rolled Orton up for the pin. That was painless. Not so painless, though, was Edge tripping Shawn onto a chair after the match. Orton wins after all! Good for him. Youíre GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Randy! After Orton and Edge leave, Cena strolls down to the ring and asks what happened while he was out getting blintzes.

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

Vince McMahon: Well, this is certainly an ethnically diverse segment.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: It is, how you say, a great step forward in civil rights. Haha!

Jonathan Coachman: Why do I have to be the token black guy?

Vince: Because, I couldnít find Cryme Tyme anywhere. Now, where the hell is the Samoan Bulldogzer, Totally Not Jamal? What this segment needs is a Samoan.

Not Important: He has a match! Haha! I, on the other hand, just get to stand backstage and carry around his belt for him. Itís pathetic. Haha.

Coach: Vince, Iíve got to ask you though, who is going to be the guest referee for your match against Donald Trump at Wrestlemania?

Vince: You didnít have to ask that.

Coach: Yes, I did. Now shut up. Who is it?

Vince: Fine. I donít know. But if I know the board of directors, theyíre all a bunch of pushovers. Did you know half the board is made up of Smackdownís old Juniors Division? Hell, Super Porky is a huge investor-

Not Important: Didnít you just say last week that the Boa-

Vince: No. No I didnít.

Coach: Then who do you think the Boa-

Vince: My son, Stephanie.

Coach: Vince, your sonís name is-

Vince: Yes, I am aware.

Jeff Hardy v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

How do you reward Jeff Hardy coming back and being halfway decent? Oooh! Oooh! I know, I know! Job him out to somebody who isnít even Jamal! Yay! I win! You all need to try harder. Jeff tries his damnedest, but the fact of the matter is, heís going to be back in the tag team ranks in two months, and back to working on his volcano in six. Maybe he can convince Shannon Moore to give Peroxwhy?gen another shot. WaitÖWas Shannon Moore in that project? A Thumb to the Eye means the match is over, and it doesnít matter. Which is good, because I didnít really care.

(ads)

According to the Peroxwhy?gen Wikipedia entry, Shannon Moore was on Background vocals and ďprogramming.Ē Programming?! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Were there robots in the band? And if so, doesnít it make them the most awesome band in the history of awesome bands?! I bet Big Pimpiní Alex would be proud.

How do various celebrities feel about Vince McMahon v. Donald Trump?

Samuel L. Jackson: GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE, MOTHERF-

Erik Estrada: Goddammit, WWE Fans! Where were you? You were supposed to support Trish! Now our show is canceled and nobody knows who I am anymore. Sigh.

The Rock: How many times do I have to tell you idiots? Stay the hell away from me. And itís Dwayne now, ok? Dwayne Johnson. NO, IíM NOT MAVEN!!

Kevin Federline: This means, like, Iím gonna be feuding with this Ashley cat, now, right? If I say that he sucks or whatever? Because, Iím, like, behind on my car payments right now.

Britney Spears: Mwahahahahaha! Iím the Boogeyman! And Iím coming to get YOU!

Backstage, Melina is warming up. Maybe you should spend as much time on your fashion choices as you do on your stretches. Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ric Flair and Carlito.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and Iím standing by with Ric Flair and Carlito, and guys, I have to ask you, what do you, two best friends, feel about wrestling each other tonight for the final spot in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Wow, that was, like, a lot of words, Todd. Iím impressed.

Grisham: Thanks, Carlito! Iím really working on improving my interviewing technique here on the Road to Wrestlemania!

Ric Flair: WOO! Thatís why youíre the champ!

Carlito: The only problem is, Ric and I arenít really friends. It wasnít that long ago that he called me out for being lazy and having stupid hair-

Flair: Which is still true, by the way.

Carlito: So you see, while itís convenient for us to pretend to be friends when weíre beating up the likes of Just Kenny, we actually canít stand each other. At all. So Iím planning on going out there tonight and tearing Triple Naitchís eyes out.

Flair: And Iím planning on taking your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Torrie Wilson: OOoh! I love mountains!

Carlito: Shut up, Torrie.

Grisham: Give me that apple! Mwahahahahaha! The poison apple is mine!

Todd eats the apple.

Carlito: Nah, man, we already used that gimmick. Thatís just a regular old apple.

But Todd chokes on the apple and dies anyway. Todd Grisham has fallen. ElsewhereÖ.

Vince McMahon: I just got off the phone with my son, SteÖerÖShane. He says he thinks that the Board of Directors is convinced that heís the man for the job.

Jonathan Coachman: Really? I meanÖCall me crazy, Vince, but it didnít seem much like the Board of Directors wanted to give you an unfair advantage going inÖ.

Vince: HmmÖyouíre right. That doesnít make any sense at all! Well, who do you think itíll be?

Coach: Charlie Haas?

Vince: Ooooh! Maybe! Can I rub your bald head for luck?

Coach: SighÖJust this once.

(ads)

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Hickory Smoked Chicken Challenge

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudge cookie-son!

Tony Schiavone: Sheís speaking in tongues, folks! Tony Schiavone and Stevie Ray at ringside!

Maria: Iím here in the middle of this big kitchen, and itís really scary! Thereís fire and knives, and I just want to go home. Can I go home please? Fudgecookie?

Schiavone: Thatís her move!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Yukio Hatori here alongside Tony Schiavone and weíre here at Kitchen Stadium for this epic showdown between the fat old guy and the Iron Chef! Most would say that the Iron Chef would be at a disadvantage given the challengerís history with wood and hickory smoking, but I think the Iron Che-

Maria: Omigosh! I think Hacksaw just, like, ate all the hickory chips down here, you guys. Thatís seriously gross. Iím going to my dressing room.

Schiavone: Hickory chips are the greatest foodstuff in the history of great foodstuffs. Except, of course, for SURGE!!

Hatori: So, just as I predicted, the Iron Chef has used his cunning and vigor to take out the challenger and-

Schiavone: Thatís all from Kitchen Stadium, folks. Join us next time when we learn WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME!!

Hatori: Well done, Tony! I really think youíre getting the hang of this.

Schiavone: Thanks, Brain!

(ads)

BackstageÖ.

Shawn Michaels: Ö.

John Cena: Ö.

Shawn: Ö.

Cena: Ö.

Shawn: All right then. Glad we could clear that up.

Cena: Iím really glad you taught me telepathy, Shawn. Thanks.

In the ringÖ.

Vince McMahon: Ok, Iím ready! Lay it on me, Mysterious Board of Directors! Who is my Wrestlemania referee?

Eric Bischoff: Hi, Vince! Itís me! Eric Bischoff!!

Vince: Youíre the guest referee?

Bischoff: Nope. I just wanted to hear my music again. Iím baaaaaaaack! And Iím better than evvvvvvvvvver! Oh, but I did want to introduceÖMantaur!!

Vince: Mantaur?! MANTAUR is the guest referee?!

Mantaur: No! But you got rid of my gal, Lita. And thatís not cool, Vince!

Mantuar gores Vince.

Vince: Gah! OW! SEND OUT THE GUEST REFEREE!!

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan:

Yo, Iím Jack Doan,
And Iím here to say,
Iím not the Guest Referee,
Neither is this guy, hey!

Charlie Haas: I am also not the guest referee, as his mad rhyme indicates.

Vince: Well then WHO THE HELL IS IT?!?!?!

Tough Enough Jessie: Not me!!! WAAAAAAAAH!

Mick Foley: Vince, Iíd like very much to tell you that Iím the guest referee. I mean, hell you hired me back so that I could write a book about the time I had an extreme tickle fight in a hotel restroom with Barak Obama. But Iím not. I just wore my ďguest refereeĒ shirt tonight, because it was the only clean one I could find! BANG BANG!

Magilla Gorilla: Iím not the guest referee either, Vince. Sorry. Weíll try again next week.

Vince: Magilla Gorilla? Do we even have the rights to that?

Shane McMahon: Oooh! Oooh! I know who the guest referee is!

Stephanie McMahon: It certainly isnít me!

Vince: Just tell me, who is it!

Shane: Val Venis!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: And thatís the bottom line, because the Board of Directors said so!

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Melina
Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Womenís Title

Oh, good, a hardcore match. Alexis will be great at these. Ashley is the special guest ring announcer, by the way, in case you forgot she was going to be in this monthís Playboy. Which is understandable. Hell, I just forgot again. And I still hate her tattoos. Anyway, Melina and Alexis fight backstage and into (of course) the womenís locker room, where Torrie Wilson and Maria were complaining about how many times theyíve been neeped. Victoria comes out of nowhere and asks if anybody remembers her, but they donít.

(ads)

Holy crap, a womenís match that takes up two whole segments of this show? ThatÖsucks. At least theyíre making their way back to the ring now. I canít imagine how boring these kinds of matches are for the live crowd. ďLook, ma! The girls be fightiní on the teevee! Itís just like home!Ē Alexis comes into the ring and proptly drops herself on her head. WellÖOk then. Melina wins. After the match, Ashley comes into the ring and gently caresses Alexisí wounds. Naked girls gotta stick together.

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson)
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

This is probably the blow off match for this feud, so enjoy it while you can. I hear Carlito is going to be HUGE in WWE Mexico. Because thereís nothing Lucha fans love more than a lazy guy with an Afro. I heard that from La Parka so it has to be true. Anyway, the match is hotly contested because Ric Flair loves ladder matches, and Carlito loves title shots. But just as it seems things are finally coming to a head, The Great Khali comes out and Karate Chops them both. WellÖUmÖShouldnít the match continue? I guess not. You know what that means?! TORRIE WILSON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! I hope she wins!

The Great Khali: IIIIAGH! WAASSSHH! KHGHAAAAAAG!

Of course you do!

(ads)

In the WWE Hall of Fame? Nick Bockwinkle. Man, when Rocky goes in, Boris and Natasha will really be pissed.

Backstage, Edge is sitting with Randy Orton.

Randy Orton: Wookie, Iíve tied very hard to be a great parker for you, but I canít tape it anymore. Iím going to a mewling with the Course.

Edge: What the hell are you talking about?

Orton: Iím not going to hang your tack, tonight, Pledge. Iím soggy.

Edge: Wait, what?

Orton: Tear, tear.

(ads)

Johnny Nitro (w/ Joey Mercury, Melina, and Edge) v. John Cena

Before the match, Edge informs Cena that he canít compete tonight due to his T-Shirt being too tight to remove in time for the match. Mercury is there becauseÖHis face mask gives him special powers that allow him to circumvent the brand split? He should be thanking Matt Hardy! For blowing up his faceÖAnyway, MNM and Edge beat up Cena for a while, while Shawn Michaels sits around backstage playing Othello against himself. Donít let the white pieces win! Thatís racist! WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mike Chioooooda finally gives up the DQ. Shawn buffs his nails, takes a few practice prances around ringside, and then clears out the ring. As Cena comes to, Shawn prances off into the crowd. Cena is left stunned, injured, and having to fake an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN with Mike Chioda.

Next Week: ECW Champion Buggy Lasher backs up his benefactor Donald Trump, by groping his daughterís yeuge boobs. As a result of Randy Ortonís meeting with Coach, Orton will be GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! as the special guest time keeper. Itís a quarter after spoon! Also, John Cena and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan share an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN~!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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