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RAW SATIRE    
Young Guns, Old Gags 

March 13, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels almost, but not quite turned on John Cena. In a different sector, Britney Spears turned on Abe Orton. And nobody ever figured out who the hell was going to referee the McMahon vs. Trump match at Wrestlemania. Maybe we’ll figure that out…TONIGHT!!
 
(Opening Credits)

Oh, man! The Cat died?! Somebody better call his Mama. Or Jerry Lawler.

John Cena is in the ring. When was the last time you saw that?! Huh?! HUH?! Ok, fine. Shut up.

John Cena: Shawn Michaels! I’ve got a little rap for you! Get ready, because the Cena man is coming after YOU!

 
It’s Monday Night RAW,
John Cena in the house,
Taggin’ with the Showstopper
Innocent as a church mouse!

Stop, HBK ain’t no Saint,
Turn on partners left and right,
Super Kick after Super Kick
Go down every night,

You want a piece?
Come get some of the man,
I’m harder than brass tacks,
I’ll nail you with a frying pan!

Ain’t goin’ down like Nash.
Unlike Marty for a beer,
I ain’t going to beg.
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!

Shawn Michaels: That was cute. Did you right that yourself?

Cena: Nah, Arn Anderson wrote that. Yeah. He’s hard.

Michaels: Now, you already know I won’t turn on you. I showed you that thing in my bag that proves it. I know I’m not going to win the Good Samaritan of the year award or anything, but-

Cena: Wait…Is that an actual award?

Michaels: Hell yeah. They have the ceremony on A&E every spring. I was totally going to walk away with it until they rolled that video package of me Superkicking half the roster a few weeks ago. Now that stuck up bitch Jolie is going to win. I hate that girl.

Cena: Anyway, continue.

Michaels: Right. Like I was getting at, how do I know that you aren’t going to turn on me?

Cena: You really think WWE would blow a cash cow like me on an ultimately inconsequential feud like this? Hell no! They’re going to keep me a face and ride my money train until the four year olds stop buying Foam Spinnin’ World Titles. Then they’ll turn me heel and it’ll be too late to cash in.

Michaels: Damn, that makes a lot of sense. I’m glad The Voice of the Undertaker wasn’t here to stop you.

Jonathan Coachman: But I am! Tonight, you two will have to defend your WWE World Tag Team Titles against three other tag teams. It’ll be long, it’ll be brutal, and in the end, you will have been outfoxed, by…THE COACH! Hit my music again!

Cena: Three teams…You mean like…Tag teams? Actual tag teams?

Michaels: Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’d be able to beat any WWE Tag Teams in, like, our sleep. In seven seconds. But, whatever, dude. Sounds like a great time.

Backstage, Donald Trump has arrived. He immediately asks Tough Enough Jessie to help him find Biggie Llama, but Tough Enough Jessie just wails. Biggie’s dead, man!

(ads)

Hey, Celebrities! Who do you think will win the Hair vs. Hair match?

Kelly Hu: Why are you asking me? Because I was in The Scorpion King? Ok, whatever. Maven, I guess.

Lou Diamond Phillips: Hey! A camera! Do you guys think they’ll make another Young Guns movie? Can somebody call Emilio and ask him? Because I’d love to do another Young Guns movie. Or hell, anything. Maybe I can be, like, Paul London’s crazy drunk dad or something.

Pat O’Brien: …and I’m going to stroke you so hard that your skin burns with pleasure. And then I’m going to take you into the Extra van, and we’re going to roll B-Footage of me licking your-

Emilio Estevez: I have absolutely no interest in making another Young Guns movie.

Jason Alexander: Hahaha! Donald Trump is going to be bald for some stupid wrestling show? Are you serious? That’s awesome. Man, USA…Are they still showing Duckman? Tell me they’re still showing Duckman! Keep the residuals rolling in, baby!

Ric Flair v. Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Randy Orton
In an Elimination Match for a Spot In the Money in the Bank Match

Oooh, Three Way Dance! If ECW had these three, they’d still be in business. Speaking of still being in business, Triple Naitch is looking awfully old tonight. Flair and Carlito team up to take down Orton, so I guess they’re best friends again this week. Well, either that or they both just really hate Randy Orton. Which is completely and totally understandable, I think. Carlito hits the back cracker on Flair (you cad!), but Orton throws him out. Flair stands to fight, but he flops. Orton eliminates Flair! See what you did, Carlito?

(ads)

And we’re back with just Orton and Carlito. Do you think Randy is jealous of Carlito’s hair? I bet Orton would look awesome with a wicked fro. Oh, man, Abe too. Yeah, they should get on growing that out. Lest you think he’s expanding his moveset any more this week, Orton hits the CHINLOCK~! That’s just simply too much for Carlito, who can’t fight back. When Orton releases him, Carlito falls over. Orton wins!! RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Huge shock!

(ads)

Super Crazy v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Baklava Challenge

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-son!

Tony Schiavone: Folks, I just wanted to tell you about tonight’s secret ingredient. It’s the only thing that keeps me going some times, when it gets dark and lonely here on the set of WCW Monday Nitro. That’s right, I’m talking about SURGE!!!!!!

Maria: Wait was Surge one of the guys in High Voltage?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Tony, Maria, the ingredient tonight isn’t Surge.

Schiavone: SURGE!!!!!!

Hatori: THEY DON’T MAKE SURGE ANY MORE!!!!!

Maria: ….

Schiavone: ….

Hatori: ….

Schaivone: THAT’S HIS MOVE!!!

Maria: Fudgecookie-son!

Schiavone: Let’s throw it to my broadcast colleague Maria!

Maria: I think Super Crazy is allergic to baklava. Isn’t that super?! I mean, isn’t that crazy?!

Hatori: Super Crazy is sneezing all over his food, and folks, I don’t think that’s sitting well with the judges. Time to call this one for the Iron Chef!

Schiavone: Well folks, for Bobby “The Doctor” Heenan and Mike Tenay, I’m Tony Schaivone thanking you for joining us for the GREATEST IRON CHEF CHALLENGE IN THE HISTORY OF GREAT IRON CHEF CHALLENGES!!

Hatori: I just had sex with your wife. Twice!

Vince McMahon pulls up.

Vince McMahon: I say, you there! Are you Donald Trump’s limo driver?

Tough Enough Jessie: *sniff* Huh? No!

Vince: Yes you are! I know you are!

TE Jessie: Waaah…why won’t you believe me?! I told you I’m not! I’m Tough Enough Jessie, remember?!

Vince: You listen here, Trump Escort Jessie! You tell Donald that mine is bigger than his, ok?

TE Jessie: Your what? You’re not making any sense! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Vince: Err…There there.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: Trudge, my olderest and breast pal in the whole wild, Teen Rapid Arcade-O has gone throughout a lot of pom-poms of late. But I just wanted to left you blow, I’m in the Monkey on the Break Laughter Match at Webstermania.

Edge: That’s fine! We hate each other now anyway! Why do you keep coming in here and acting like we’re friends all the sudden? I can’t stand you. And you’re going to lose at Wrestlemania! I’ve never lost a match there, and you’ve probably never done a ladder match. I’m too lazy to look it up.

Orton: Fletch, are you just mad beclause I’m youngerer and prettier than you?

Edge: Ye-Wait, what?!

In the ring….

Lillian Garcia: Quit looking at me.

Ok. On the Titan Tron.

???: Oooh, it’s the floating newspaper of dooooooom! No, seriously folks it’s The Rock!! And because my lawyer says that I’m contractually obligated to make one voluntary appearance on WWE TV before Spyhunter is released so it makes as much money as that Kane movie, I can say: FINALLY, The Rock has come BACK to RAW! Yeah, I’ve heard about Vince McMahon feuding with Donald Trump! It’s nice to see you all are doing so well without me! Because just like I got over La Resistance last time, The Rock is here to get over his favorite cousin, Totally Not Jamal! Out of all my cousins who aren’t Jamal, Totally Not Jamal is The Rock’s favorite! You should all be huge fans. Especially since in Samoan, his name means “Jamal.” He’s had to live with that his entire life, ya’lls. Hey, wow! Take a look at my wall of titles! It’s like I almost give a crap about this stuff. Hahaha…The Rock is just messing with you. He doesn’t care. Not even if the MILLIONS (and millions) of fans are chanting his name-

Crowd: Ma-VEN! Ma-VEN! Ma-VEN!

Rock: The Rock will NOT ever be coming back! If you smelllllllla-la-la-lOW! What The Rock. Is. Cookin’.

Meanwhile, John Cena is backstage crying. He can cut a promo too, you know.

(ads)

Ashley signs Playboys. Man, wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? “Hehehehehe…I saw your boobies!” Donald Trump was in line, hoping to catch his Wrestlemania representative.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Oh, come on now! Charlie Haas vs. Shawn Michaels? Who the hell do you think is going to win? You mean it isn’t Charlie Haas? Ooooh. Crap. I’d better call my bookie then. I already took a bath on predicting that Trump would pick Shannon Moore to represent him. Shelton Benjamin is also in this match somewhere. He must be all, “Huh?! This isn’t Heat!” Then John Cena locks Charlie in the STFU and the match is over. Well, thanks for coming out tonight guys.

And now it’s….

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Well, yes, I can see we’re clearly moving up the competition scale here. Cade is clearly just thrilled that he isn’t anywhere near TNA right now. I wish they were fighting Cryme Tyme. Is…Is Cryme Tyme even still employed by WWE? Man, I’m going to sit up all night worrying about that now. What if they fall back into their life of crime?! Or Cryme?! Or worse yet, what if they get hired by Christie Hemme?! Well, whatever. Shawn Michaels Superkicks Murdoch off of Cena’s shoulders.

(ads)

MNM v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena
In a Cage Match for the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Am I required to say “A Steel Cage Match”? MNM didn’t get an entrance, so you missed out on your opportunity to see Melina do the splits under the cage. MNM gets more offense in than Cade and Murdoch and World’s Greatest Tag Team combined. Take that, Shelton Benjamin! Mercury gets his mask knocked into his face, and Cena and Michaels hit him with the ol’ FU/Superkick combo. After the match, everybody runs back in to attack, but Shawn and John aren’t having any of that. They’ve got important business to attend to. Like an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN~! Cena is totally undressing HBK with his eyes. Or perhaps thinking about hitting him with a chair. Or both. They’re such a cute couple.

(ads)

Edge is out….

Edge: Look, I’ve really got to hand it to Jeff Hardy. He left for TNA as a flighty drugged up weirdo, wrestled in TNA as an even more flighty, drugged up weirdo, and somehow came back here as some kind of amazing superbeing. With that having been said. I’m really, just super lazy. So instead of wrestling tonight, I’m going backstage to have an appletini and take a nap. Good night, folks!

The Great Khali v. Jeff Hardy

Man, even back in the days when Jeff was killing everybody, I don’t think he could’ve knocked out Khali. So anyway, Jeff goes back to bumping like a pinball as Khali throws him around. Do you suppose WWE even realizes that Jeff is any good now? Or are they back to saying, “Hey! That guy that bumps!” The point is moot, however, because Kane comes running out and takes out WWE RAW Time Keeper Mark Yeaton with a grappling hook. Wow. Random. Needed more Kane!

Backstage, Donald Trump has a sculptor working on his hair.

Donald Trump: Hey, do you think you could form my hair in the shape of my daughter’s yeuge boobs?

(ads)

In the hall of fame? Mr. Fuji!!! AWESOME!!! This is the best Hall of Fame ever. I hope Mr. Fuji beats the hell out of Dusty with his umbrella.

Todd Grisham is standing by with Mick Foley.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Mick Foley, and Mick, I’ve got to ask you, what the hell are you doing here tonight? And don’t say promoting your book!

Mick Foley: Well, Toddster, I’m just here hanging out backstage waiting for a camera and interviewer to randomly walk up to me and ask me what I’m doing, right here…IN WASHINGTON, D.C.!

Grisham: And how’s that going?

Foley: I don’t know, Todd. I’ll let you know.

Ashley Massaro: Hi, Mick! I read in your book that you hate looking at Diva’s boobs in Playboy! I think that’s really noble of you.

Foley: Luckily for you, I don’t consider you a friend, and I barely consider you a Diva! I’ve got your Playboy pictures taped to my Dashboard for easy access! Yeah!

Ashley: Oh, Gross!

Ron Simmons: I enjoy looking at a woman’s breasts now and again. I find it therapeutic and relaxing. You shouldn’t have gotten those tattoos though.

Then Todd Grisham impales himself on Ashley’s lip rings. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere, Vince is also getting his hair sculpted.

Vince McMahon: Who do you think has better hair? Me or Trump?

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, why the hell am I cutting your hair?

Vince: Because you’re my lackey dammit! Now trim those sideburns!

Coach: Man, I wish I would’ve read for that part as Terrorist #3 on 24. Getting gunned down by Keifer Sutherland would be a lot less embarrassing than this.

Keifer Sutherland: No doubt. Honestly though? Secretly? I can’t wait for Young Guns III.

(ads)

Melina v. Torrie Wilson

Melina is prepping for Mania by taking on WWE’s Playboy girls. Man, I hope Sable, Chyna and Christie are watching. SHE’S COMING AFTER YOU! Maybe. Melina rolls up Torrie for the win. I guess that’s what you get for showing your boobs, Torrie! Geez. Alexis Laree shows up, because if anybody is going to stand up for the right to be naked, you know it’s going to be her. Victoria comes out to whine about how she offers to do Playboy every year and gets turned down every year, but all that’s broken up by Ashley, who scares everybody off with her tusks. Then she goes outside to dig up some truffles.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: I’m walking around backstage!

Edge: Vince, we’re out of apple juice! How the hell can I make a proper Appletini without apple juice?

Vince: I’ve got a whole segment to pull together by myself and you’re bothering me with this?

Edge: Would you rather I threaten to show up and finally tank ECW with Orton tomorrow?

Vince: Actually, that would be really awesome. Save me the trip would you? Heeeey, mess with Lashley too? Let’s neuter that dude as much as possible.

Edge: Sweet.

Vince: Also, Masters keeps a stash of apple cider in his gym bag.

Edge: Vince…that’s not apple cider.

Vince: Awww crap.

(ads)

Vince nearly falls over doing his entrance. Aww…So close, Randy! He’s got a mic.

Vince McMahon: Donald Trump! I know you’re back there, probably digging for truffles with Ashley! Well, you better be digging for truffles…IN FEAR! Because you’ll never beat my man, Totally Not Jamal!

Totally Not Jamal makes his way to ringside with Not Important, mostly to provide the most attractive set pieces of the night. I love how Not Jamal has “Burgers” tattooed over his stomach. Delicous!

Vince: So where are you?! Huh? Where are you Donald?

Trump makes his way to the ring accompanied by Boobsie McTitsalot and Maria. Is it part of the gimmick that his ladies are getting progressively stupider? Trump has the mic. Uh-oh.

Trump: Vince, I’ve got to tell you, Vince, I’m really looking forward to Wrestlemania, Vince. Because, Vince, I’m looking forward to seeing you bald, Vince! Vince, your guy over there? What’s his name, Vince? It’s Hamburglah, right Vince? Or Togapei Not Jerome, Vince? Is that right, Vince? Well, Vince, he’s going to lose to my man, Vince.

Vince: Just don’t say Lesnar. Just don’t say Lesnar.

Trump: Brock Lesnar, Vince!

Brock Lesnar: HERE COMES THE PAIN, LINDA!

Vince: I hate you! It’s not Brock Lesnar! It’s Bobby Lashley!

Trump: Frankly, Vince, I’m not impressed with that bald doofus Lashley, Vince. Brock here, Vince, Brock here taught me how to cut a promo, Vince. I love Brock, Vince. And Vince? Brock loves me, Vince. It’s a secret love, Vince. A forbidden love, Vince. But Vince? I think Brock Lesnar here can beat your man, Vince.

Vince: That might be true, but Brock isn’t going to be at Wrestlemania. Lashley is.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What this segment needs is a little Stone Cold magic to save it. If the crowd wants to see a little Stone Cold magic, give me a hell yeah!

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

Lesnar: Steve Austin, I’d love to see a little magic, Steve Austin!

Austin pulls a bunch of doves out of his pants, and sneezes out plastic flowers to the wild cheers of all assembled.

Austin: Vince, I can’t wait to see you at Wrestlemania, so that I can freak out backstage and leave the company again four minutes before the show starts! And that’s the bottom line, because STONE COLD SAID SO!

Then Donald Trump starts cackling.

Trump: Vince, look at this Vince! I drew a picture of you, Vince, Vince! On this Etch-A-Sketch, Vince! You’re bald, Vince! Bald like a fox, Vince!

Vince: That’s…Just, like…A circle. Congratulations?

Then everybody sits around for about ten minutes. UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWNS ALL AROUND~!

Then for no reason, Trump just pushes McMahon into a table. What a little bitch. Way to be the face there, Donald. Geez. At least your acting is not at all wooden.

Next Week: Maven makes his return to challenge Shannon Moore for a match at Wrestlemania. Steve Austin comes out and…Drinks a beer! And Mick Foley touches his privates. It’s like 1999 all over again! I bet you can’t WAIT!!!!!!!!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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