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RAW SATIRE    
The McMahon Family Secret Revealed!

April 3, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Robert Lashley shocked the world by successfully defending the honor of Donald Trump’s toupee from the assault of Vince McMahon and Some Kind of Oxen. Shannon Moore made a guest appearance on the pre-show, so apparently he still works for the company? Good for him. And in an epic battle of wills, Shawn Michaels tapped out to the STFU. Who else will be exposed as a pansy ass…TONIGHT?!
 
We don’t have time for no, (Opening Credits)! John Cena is in the ring, and he wants everybody to know it. Do you know it?

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Dayton, Ohio, I’d like to start off by saying that it’s good to be here tonight, but I can’t. No, no, it’s not your fault, but I can’t think of one good thing that has ever come out of Dayton. I was

shocked to learn this town actually had an arena that held more than five people.

Shawn Michaels: John, even if what you’re saying is true, I don’t think you’re supposed to be intentionally heeling it up. But know this, my loss to you last night at Wrestlemania was a crime! A damn shame! Because unlike Bret Hart or Hulk Hogan, I cannot fathom why I would lose to a guy like you. You may very well be the first person who thinks that “the streets” end in a cul-de-sac. Here I am, Shawn Michaels, HBK, the Showstopper, the Main Event, and I’m jobbed out to you like I was Triple H or something!

Cena: Hey, settle down, dude! At least they didn’t make you wear bearskins.

Shawn: I actually pitched an idea where I you would tie me to a symbol, and then I would show up on ECW, but Vince didn’t get it. Anyway, do you want to have another match?

Cena: Let’s go, Shawn! You and me for the WWE Spinnin’ Title right here in…whatever city this is again!

Jonathan Coachman: I’m afraid I can’t allow that Mr. Cena.

Cena: Why not?

Coach: Umm…because if we don’t stretch this damn thing out to at least Backlash, people are going to be more ticked off about it than they already are.

Cena: Fair enough, what are you suggesting?

Coach: We’re just going to randomly chuck people out here for a while so everybody can bask in the post-Wrestlemania afterglow.

King Booker: I may not have won the Money in the Bank ladder match, but I get three paychecks this week!

Fit Finlay: My name is Finlay, and I love to get paid. Also to fight.

Rob Van Dam: Duuuude…Is this Wrestlemania?

Sabu: …Just…don’t get arrested again, ok?

RVD: You can talk!

Sabu: Apparently.

RVD: I have so much I want to ask you!

Sabu: ….

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

(ads)

Rob Van Dam and Sabu v. Fit Finlay and Booker T. v. Just Kenny and “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters v. Highlander Eugene and Highlander Jim Duggan v. Some Geese v. The Highlanders v. Cryme Tyme v. Deuce and Domino v. Mae Young and The Fabulous Moolah v. Matt Striker and Elijah Burke v. Some Ducks v. John Cena and Shawn Michaels
In a Battle Royal for the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Who the hell names their kids Deuce and Domino? Or Cherry? I do like how WWE asks us to act all serious about some stuff, and then totally accept it when people beam in from the 50s to wrestle Paul London. Just Kenny and the Iron Chef is actually a hell of a pairing which, of course, means that they’re the first to get eliminated. Actually, I really like them more as a buddy cop show than anything else. Just Kenny and the Iron Chef, fighting crime when no one else will! Thursdays on the CW. Come on, admit it. You’d watch that over TNA. Elijah Burke Dumps Highlander Eugene, and then everybody gets kind of embarrassed about the whole “being in imaginary tag teams” thing, so everybody but Booker, Finlay, Cena and Michaels bail. Finally, Finlay and Booker are eliminated when Cena chucks The Hamburgler into the fourth row.

Coach: But wait! There’s more!

(ads)

The Hardy Boyz v. Mantaur and Friar Ferguson v. Brian Kendrick and Paul London v. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch v. Tough Enough Jessie and Larry “The Axe” Hennig v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. The Miz and Johnny Nitro v. William Regal and Dave Taylor v. Shannon Moore and Pele The Ventriloquist Dummy v. Chavo Guerrero and Suga Shane Helms v. Kevin Thorn and Monty Brown v. Val Venis and Viscera v. WWE RAW Referees Jack Doan and Chad Patton v. The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer v. John Cena and Shawn Michaels
In Another Battle Royal for the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Man, look at all them tag teams. Do you suppose RVD or Benoit are sad that Tommy didn’t ask to be their partner? Benoit especially. I don’t think Dreamer and Sandman ever did anything together. Tough Enough Jessie is inconsolable to start, because her partner is dead. When Larry tries to explain that it’s actually his son Curt that has passed, Haas dumps him. That was inconsiderate. Anyway, Shawn Michaels gets laid out by London and Kendrick as part of “Shawn Michaels Sells for His School Kids” Awareness Week. Miz has spent the entire match so far explaining to Nitro that at least one of his names starts with an M, so it’ll be like Mercury was never even in the team.

(ads)

If they were really looking to replace Mercury, I would’ve gone to Mantuar. Or Mike Chioda. It’s always good to have a referee on your tag team. Just ask Danny Davis! For some reason by the time we come back only Cena and Michaels, The Hardy Boyz, Chavo and Helms, Cade and Murdoch, and, for some reason, The Killer Bees are left. I’m guessing during the break Tough Enough Jessie came out and told them that they had no chance of winning so everybody just hopped out. That’s how I would’ve booked it. Anyway, John Cena gives Shawn Michaels a look that says, “Hello, I am from the mean streets of West Blueberry, Massachusetts. Would you be down for some shuffle board later, yo?” and Shawn has had enough. Michaels throws out Cena. SHOCKING SWERVE~! We have new tag team champions! Val Venis and Viscera! Val Venis is going to whatever PPV it is that’s after Wrestlemania!!!!! Nah, I’m just messing with you, Val. It’s actually the Hardyz. Jeff and Matt mince around like idiots because Jeff is happy that his career just regressed 7 years, and Matt is happy that he no longer has to job to Hogsnoggle on Smackdown every other week now.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Shawn, you just threw your own partner out of the Tag Team championship battle royal, and I think I’m asking the question that is on everybody’s mind. Why are you so orange?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, I’ve never wanted to be a tag team champion. The days of the Rockers is long gone. There’s a reason why Hunter and I never bothered to win the World Tag Team titles. And now that John Cena and I don’t have to have any more weeks of Uncomfortable Staredowns? I can get back to doing what I do best, and that’s whining that I’m not the WWE Spinnin’ Champion. It’s been a long time, since I’ve held a Dance Dance World Title, Todd. A long time.

Grisham: But that doesn’t really explain wh-

Randy Orton: I’ll hangnail this one, Toddster. Shane McMahon! The Hearth Beat Kid! The Snowshoveler! The Made Elephant! I watched you at Whipplemania, and I must make admittance, you’re a pretty good waffler. But winning the WWG Spooning Whirl Title is my DESTINY~! Do you understand DESTINY~!, Shane? John Xena might have been able to beaten you, but he will never beat…Ranky…Q…Morgan!

Michaels: Tanning oil, Todd. Egomania is running wild, brother.

Elsewhere, Coach is talking directly to a cameraman?

Jonathan Coachman: Am…Am I supposed to be cutting a promo right now?

Vince McMahon: This isn’t a cameraman, Coach. It’s me, dammit!

Coach: Woah! You’re not even holding a camera. It’s like…magic.

Vince: Weren’t you paying attention last night, Coach? The McMahons are a race of superhuman cyborgs with the ability to record and transmit everything we see. Little Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque is already an advanced digital recording machine.

Coach: You do realize that this segment doesn’t make any sense, right?

Vince: Ladies, does this segment make any sense?

Boobsie McTitsalot: It TOTALLY makes sense that you’d have boobs where your boobs would be!

Torrie Wilson: I’m surprised WCW never thought of this.

Vince: There, see?

Highlander Eugene: Ach, Vince. I’m tired of you exposing the business like this.

Shad Gaspard: Yeah, man. This “The McMahons are Cameras” gimmick is as stupid as you pretending that two African American athletes are nothing but kleptomaniacs who don’t get arrested because they’re so evasive and charming.

JTG: Man, I told you that’s why we’re always stuck on Internet Heat. Quit your bitching.

Shad: Word.

Vince: I don’t care what you three have to say.

Ron Simmons: Vince, like the telephone conversations that everyone can hear, I find this gimmick to be offensive to the intelligence of wrestling fans. I appreciate accrediting a certain level of omniscience to our fans, but stuff like this is just bush league, and quite frankly, stupid. Like an Abyss angle.

Vince: I don’t care. I like it. Who’s going to stop me? The Voice of the Undertaker?

Coach: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Vince: I said, “Who’s going to stop me? The Voice of the Undertaker?”

Coach: Don’t say The Voice of the Undertaker! Oh no!

BONG

(ads)

Vince McMahon is out in a stylish hat. Oh, Vince, we’ll never know you’re bald now!

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, you’ll never know that I’m bald so long as I’m wearing this hat! And furthermore, I’m just going to pretend that I was never shaved bald at all. Take that, Logic! Lillian Garcia announce that I’m not bald.

Lillian Garcia: Owww…My knee!!

Vince: Ok, that’s it. I cannot wait to get out of this stupid town. What the hell do they have in Dayton, anyway? I have no idea why in the hell we booked this one Wendys town. I’m so pissed off about this that tonight, I’m booking Bobby Lashley to take on Totally Not Jamal in a match for Lashley’s ECW World Title! Yeah! And I’m also gluing this hat to the top of my head. Yeah, because I have as much testosterone flowing through my veins as a Chippendale’s dance review, and as much estrogen as their audience thanks to all these growth hormones!

I think he stole that hat from Dean Malenko. Anyway, Bobby Lashley runs out and knocks Vinces hat off. Vince grabs a towel to put on, which makes Tazz sad. That’s his look, brotha. Vince puts on J.R.‘s hat, but Lashley takes that too, so Vince hides under the ring, but Hornbuckle kicks him out. That’s his home, dude. McMahon sticks his head in Lillian Garcia’s crotch, which given her knee injury is a lot easier than it looks. Jim Ross declares Lillian’s crotch, “No Man’s Land.” Hiyoooo, he’ll be here all night, try the veal! I’m surprised that wasn’t Lawler’s line. Finally, Vince just gives up and frowns really hard until Bobby feels bad for him and gives him a foam “Word Life” hand to wear on his head.

(ads)

The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. Ric Flair and Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson)

There. Shelton is wrestling twice tonight, so quit your bitching. Honestly, what is the big deal with this guy? The last time he was interesting is when his Mama was hitting people with her oxygen tank. Flair and Carlito, meanwhile, are the best Fake Father/Fake Son team since Tank Abbot and Three Count. Carlito, though, is not nearly as good a dancer as Evan Kourageous. Flair puts Charlie Haas in the Figure Four, and Haas taps, making him the first one to do it in, like, forty years. Match of the Year.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by at ringside with Timbaland.

Todd Grisham: I must admit, I have no idea who you are. But I know you worked with some of the hottest artists on the charts today like…err…Ashlee Simpson? Natalie Furtado?

Timbaland: Dawg, I think you mean “Nelly” Furtado.

Grisham: Yeah, yeah. Him too. So what brings you here? Want to shill your CD?

Timbaland: Nah, I was just down here minding my own damn business, trying to avoid you guys so I don’t get mobbed by fans. Thanks a lot.

Grisham: But seriously, what brings you here? To Dayton. Eggh.

Timbaland: Dayton? Aw, man! I thought this was Daytona. I’m gonna kill my agent when I get home.

Then Todd dives under the ring where he is devoured by Hobgoblin. Todd Grisham has fallen. Meanwhile, Melina is out.

Melina: Timbaland, I hear you’re looking for hot WWE Divas to appear in your new video.

Timbaland: Yeah, and I’m still looking. Have you seen Maria? I’d neep that, know what I’m saying?

Ric Flair: WOOO! That’s why you’re the champ.

Melina: I don’t care what you have to say! Because last night, I tamed the tusked beast and retained my WWE Women’s Title, which means something, I swear! And I put together this outfit this morning by closing my eyes and reaching into my luggage. I hope you enjoy boob shirts, a skirt, stockings, and heels that completely don’t go together! Because I’m a fashion plate.

Flair: You look like a misaligned duck! WOO!

Then Alexis Laree shows up and DDTs Melina right out of her shoes. That’s right, Alexis, you tell her that there’s nothing wrong with being naked!

(ads)

Super Crazy v. The Great Khali

The Great Khali is beloved by everyone in Dayton. Look at that masculine jaw line he has. Abe Orton is jealous. Super Crazy, in case you haven’t heard, is both Super and Crazy, so we’ll see if that’s enough to keep him in the match. Oops, no, it’s not. He’s quickly dumped by Khali. Man, they should just run with this gimmick for Khali. Have him go back over to Smackdown and wrestle in the Cruiserweight division. That’ll be fantastic. The crowd is going nuts because that’s how Dayton rolls.

Backstage, Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon is trying to comfort Vince McMahon.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important! Haha!

Vince McMahon: I know full well who you are, what do you want?

Not Important: I wanted to offer you my trademark hat. Haha!

Vince: You’d do that for me?

Not Important: Yeah. I’ve got, like, fifty of them in the car. Haha!

Vince: How’d you like to be ECW Champion?

Not Important: I’d hate it!

Vince: Well, too bad, because tonight’s ECW Title match? Is a Triple Threat! Thanks for the hat.

(ads)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria Neep Probably Troubling Lunch Collects Carbs here, and I’m standing by with they Hardy Boyz, winners of a battle royal or some such. How do you guys feel about winning belts?

Matt Hardy: Oh, thank God!! I’m finally off of Smackdown! I’m so happy right now I could make out with this wall! Not that that would be entirely unfamiliar territory to me, but still. I hate this city, but I love this moment.

Jeff Hardy:

Step Back
Step. Back.
Back in a tag team,
Back with my bro,
It’s all ok,
Imagi will provide.
Am I going to dog it,
Or Am I
2Xtreme?

Elsewhere, Steve Austin panders to a room full of his biggest fans, which for some reason, includes Triple H. Austin never pimped your movie, Hunter!

Meanwhile, in the arena….

Edge: I cannot wait to get the hell out of this one donkey town! Listen, guys, I know exactly what you’re thinking, “But Edge, don’t you have a broken jaw? Wasn’t that injury angle last night done to put you out of action so you could heal up?” Well, yes. But then somebody realized that I was the only heel worth watching on this show since Jesus won’t let Shawn be a badass. So, after that sickening ladder spot last night, I’d like to declare myself completely fine. Thanks, everybody!

(ads)

Mick Foley has a Make a Wish Surprise next week! Oh, boy! Eugene is finally going to get to go to Disney World!

Totally Not Jamal v. Not Important v. Bobby Lashley
In a Triple Threat Match for the ECW Heavyweight Title

THIS is your main event. Congrats to Armando for working his way up the WWE ladder so quickly. And to Totally Not Jamal for not being Jamal. The Dayton crowd stands in silent awe of Bobby Lashley’s ability as a wrestler. Jim Ross stands in silent awe of having completely lost his voice. That’s what you get for staying out and partying all last night, Jimbo. Secretly, I really hope Not Important wins. That’d just mess EVERYTHING up, wouldn’t. Instead, Not Jamal somehow hits himself with a Thumb to the Eye, and Lashley pins Armando to keep the title. Afterwards, Lashley celebrates with the delighted wherever they are crowd.

BONG

The Voice of the Undertaker: What the hell has been going on with my show?

Next Week: Three Battle Royals! The Hardy Boyz lose the tag team titles, but not in a match, they just forgot where they put them. And Mr. Kennedy (Kennedy) shows up asking if anybody knows what he can put in his briefcase.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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