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RAW SATIRE    
A Wish Come True 

April 11, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: How much do you want to bet Edge and Orton went to go see Grindhouse and wouldnít shut up about it? Plus, they were embroiled in a feud with Shawn Michaels over who would job to Cena next. And donít look now, but Vince McMahon may or may not be bald. Iím not telling. Maybe weíll find outÖTONIGHT!!
 
(Opening Credits)

Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo yoyoyoyoyo! Listen up, listen up! Iíve got something really important to say. DoÖdo you all think Iím starting to go gray. Marissa would kill me if she wasnít just a vassal for my unholy offs... God,

Stephanie would you stop putting this crap up on the teleprompter?

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Stop right there. Iím putting and end to this nonsense. For too long was I away making preparations for Wrestlemania. Now I return and find that in my absence this show has thrown away all sense of kayfabe. People are reading scripts on air, theyíre breaking down the fourth wall-

Shockmaster: Dude, I already said that was an accident, ok? Geez.

Voice of Taker: Quite frankly, Iím sick of all you people and your nonsense. Present the wrestling world as it is, or get off TV. Now, cut your promo. No more asides or Iím going to blast you with some post production lighting.

Shane: See, now thatís just a double standard, bec-

Voice of Taker: Shut up and read.

Shane: Thatís why Iím calling you out, Bobby Lashley! Itís time for the McMahons to get some respect up in here! Shane McMahon will be your next ECW Champion.

Voice of Taker: How will being the ECW Champion get you any respect? And why the hell would Bobby Lashley show up? He doesnít even work on Monday Nights! Heís not going to be at RAW!

Bobby Lashley: Yo.

Shane: Booyah!

Voice of Taker: I hate this show.

Shane: Bobby Lashley, youíve made a mockery of the McMahons for the last time. You know we donít even watch that ECW crap, so your very existence as the ďECW ChampionĒ is a bane to our existence. A bane which I plan to get rid of tonight, right here, in this very ring.

Lashley: If I win, can I shave your head? I kind of got a kick out of that at Mania. I shouldíve been a barber.

Shane: Hell yeah! Makes me want to lose, kind of. No more gray hair, right? Hahaha.

Totally Not Jamal: Hakuna Matada!

Armando Alejandro Estrada: My name is Not Important! Haha!

Voice of Taker: Well, at least they finally got it right

Not Important: What is Important is that my man, Totally Not Jamal, is, how you sayÖSupposed to be the one becoming ECW champ. Haha!

Shane: Please. Tell me more!

Not Important: Well, when you think of ECW, what is the first thing you think about? Haha?

Voice of Taker: Pointless violence?

Lashley: Tommy Dreamer crying?

Shane: Certainly not Jamal.

Not Important: Precisely! So when you think of pointlessly violent things that make Tommy Dreamer cry which arenít Jamal? What do you get?

Lashley: Totally Not Jamal! By jove, heís right!

Shane slaps Not Important.

Shane: We donít take kindly to that logic talk around her, mister!

Voice of Taker: Canít argue with that.

Shane: This is my stupid title match! Nobodyís taking that away from me!

(ads)

Alexis Laree and Boobsie McTitsalot v. Melina and Victoria

Well, at least one of these teams knows how to dress. Sorta. Nice job getting Alexis back in the ďWomenís titleĒ picture though. What would be really fun is if she had all the face girls run around in different outfits and hit them with canes every week. That would be a bad ass angle. I think, of all the girls, Boobsie tries the hardest. I mean, sheís expanded her moveset more than Randy Orton, and despite it taking 900 years to set up, her rope choke is one of the cooler moves that these ladies do, honestly. But she still pretty much sucks. And so does Victoria, which is probably why she jobs to Alexis.

(ads)

Mick Foley is backstage with RAWís honorary GM.

Mick Foley: Think about all the powers you have! You can have Viscera be on this show! Or book Todd Grisham in a WWE Title match!

Rory McAllister: Ach! Honorary GM! Please book us on the show!

Robbie McAllister: Aye! Weíre sick of being on Internet Heat!

Chris Benoit: YeahÖI guess thatíd be ok. I donít know though, guys.

Rory: Hey! Thatís no special needs, kid! Thatís Chris Benoit!

Robbie: Donít insult the poor kid!

Rory: NO! Seriously! Thatís Chris Benoit! Heís the United States Champion!

Robbie: Are you saying that a special needs kid canít be the United States Champion? Iím ashamed of you, Rory.

Rory: You sure as hell couldnít be. Besides, remember Orlando Jordan?

Robbie: Aye. What a dark day that was.

Benoit: See, I told you this was a stupid idea, Mick.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Punch Tangerine Lime Charging Cherry here and Iím standing by with RAW GM and Make a Wish child, Chris Benoit. YouíreÖSoÖInspiring. So tinyÖSo fragileÖWAAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: Donít die little boy! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Benoit: Ugh.

(ads)

Ric Flair and Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For a Shot at the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Before the match Carlito gets on the mic and thanks Ric Flair for bitching him out a few weeks ago, because Flair was right, Carlito is a sad, lazy excuse for a human being and a failure of a fake son. Well, at least their honest with each other. Next, Flair should tell Carlito that he has man boobs and looks like heís 90. Somehow this leads to a clips package of the Four Horsemen DVD, where Flair only looks 75, and his promos actually started off with a point. Those were the days. Thereís still no worse wrestling name than ďTully

(ads)

Except maybe ďA.J.Ē Anyway, things seem to be going great for Flair and Carlito until Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt breaks away from Torrieís grasp and Flair runs off to help her chase it down. With Carlito by himself, he has no choice but to job. To Cade and Murdoch? Geez, you are pretty pathetic, dude. Afterwards, Flair comes back with a completely different dog and Carlito pushes him away. Heís a scorned child! You donít buy him cotton candy any more! Where were you on his third birthday, Ric? When he wanted the pony? Where were you?!

Wait, are Cade and Murdoch getting a title shot? Seriously? Who the hell is booking this crap?

Oh. Really?

Iím very sorry.

(ads)

Shane McMahon is backstage working on his dancing.

Shane McMahon: Hell yeah. Iíve still got it. Money money money money monaaaaay!

Jonathan Coachman: Shane, man, Iím not so sure about letting Chris Benoit book this show. Itís bad enough with the Voice of the Undertaker running around tonight, but Be-

Shane: Donít make fun of the disabled, Coach.

Coach: Fine. But listen, Iím a little concerned. I mean, Bobby Lashley is a legit badass, heís probably going to punch you into next week.

Shane: Fine with me. Iíve got a really awesome party to go to next week, and I canít wait.

Coach: Youíre not the littlest bit concerned?

Shane: Coach, Iíve wrestled Kurt Angle, Test, Big Show, Steve Blackman, and to a lesser extent, X-Pac on PPV, not to mention the time I almost killed my dad. Iím really not particularly afraid of the guy whose biggest claim to fame is that he canít even main event his own show.

Coach: But, Shane, letís face it. Youíre gettingÖolderÖ.

Shane: Shut up, Coach. Besides, Iíve got all my bases covered. You see, weíre totally having a run-i-

The Disembodied Voice of Undertaker: SHAAAAAAAAANE!

Shane: I like marshmallows.

Voice of Taker: Better.

ElsewhereÖ.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and Iím standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, Iíve got to ask, how do you feel about Chris Benoitís decision not to book me in a WWE Title match tonight?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, a lot of people are wondering, why in the hell am I wearing my mirror chaps and body armor tonight? Well, Todd, Iíll tell you. Because Iím going to battle. But Iím not going to battle for my risen Lord Jesus Christ, no, Iím going to war for the WWE Spinniní World Title! And nobody is going to stop me!

Randy Orton: Youíre forthwithing one thing, Shane McMahon! I, Ranky Q. Morgan, standard in your ways! Because, I might not be going to gwar over your rippiní Lord Jesse Crain either, but I have something tonight that you donut. DESTINY~!

Shawn: That was very poignant, Randy, but at the end of the day, Iím going to be the one kicking your destiny right through your face.

Orton: Oh, thatíll be pretty!

At this point, Todd Grisham is torn in half. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE Spinniní Title

Shawn enters not only draped in body armor, but to ďSexy Boy.Ē DX is dead! Long live DX! Orton goes straight for the CHINLOCK~! instead of the Boston Crab, and itís like Iíve been teleported back to last year. And John Cena is still the champ, so I could very well have been teleported back to last year, which sucks, because Iím going to have to wait a whole year now to go to Shane McMahonís party. Edge comes out for no apparent reason, which pisses off both Michaels and Orton because theyíre trying to make the most of their TV time.

(ads)

Thunder thighs are actually pretty tasty, by the way. Just FYI. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan goes down for no real reason, so everything kind of just stops in the ring. This is a really, really well booked match. Orton tries to take credit for the Doan fall, but nobodyís around to award him the victory, so instead he gets Speared by Edge. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton hits the ring to fulfill this matchís quota of referees I can barely tell apart, and Shawn is up with a SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! Shawn falls over into a pin! 1..2..3...Who won? Shawn for getting the pin or Orton for making Shawn fall over? Sadly, we cut away before the referees can have a slap fight over it. Book it now: Patton vs. Doan at Backlash!

(ads)

Backstage, Randy Orton is in Shane McMahonís dressing room.

Randy Orton: Shawn! Shawn Michaels! Iím so glam youíre here to fight! I just havered a match with Shane McMahon, and he fellered over! Iím the number wong conductor, right?

Shane McMahon: Randy, what the hell are you talking about?

Orton: The match where we just started what we finished? Havenít you been witching the show? Monkey Nice WAR?

Shane: Go away.

Orton: Thanks you!

ElsewhereÖ.

Mick Foley: Ok, little Chrisy, where do you want to go now?

Chris Benoit: Mick, I just want to go home. I hate that you made me come here and do this.

Foley: Look! Itís Val Venis and Super Crazy! I hear heís both super and crazy!

Benoit: Yay.

Sean Cold Val Venis: Hey there, little guy! How old are you?

Benoit: Old enough to know that you pretty much suck, Val.

Venis: Youíre just lucky youíre a cancer patient or whatever and not the U.S. Champion.

Super Crazy: Hi, Mr. Benoit! Iím super. Iím also crazy.

Benoit: Man, I wish I was really the GM. Iíd fire your stupid ass.

Crazy: Youíre a horrible, horrible, sick person. I hope you die of whatever disease it is you have soon.

Foley: Thatís the spirit! Hereís Cryme Tyme! Hey, guys! It was this little boy from the Make A Wish Networkís biggest wish to run a WWE show! Why donít you say something nice to him.

Shad Gaspard: Dawg, if I knew I was gonna die in a few months, Iíd rob all the banks I could, and Iíd bust caps in everybody what did me wrong. What are they gonna do? Lock my ass up? HA! Youíre going down Frankie Valasquez from fourth grade. Iíll show you for stealiní my glue, homie!

JTG: Shad, the period before your death should be filled with transcendent forgiveness and love, not violence and hate.

Shad: Sniff...Word.

Foley: See? Isnít this a great wish, little guy?

Benoit: I guess.

Jonathan Coachman: Hey there, little GM! Howís tricks?

Benoit: I got Tough Enough Jessieís autograph!

Coach: Congrats! Anyway, I hear you have a big announcement for Backlash!

Benoit: Yeah, Iím taking the opportunity to bo-

Edge: Shut up, death watch. I have to talk to the big people. OkÖCoach.

Benoit: Hey, Iím at least four feet tall. I can totally out reach Hobocycle.

Mick: Letís go get some ice cream.

Benoit: Oh boy!

Johnny Nitro: Anybody else think itís a little creepy that Foley is running around holding hands with that little boy?

Edge: Hey, cut it out, man. That little boy has a terminal illness.

Nitro: And heís choosing to spend one of his last days with Mick Foley? Ew.

(ads)

The Worldís Greatest Tag Team v. The Hardy Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Man, Charlie Haas did a better job booking RAW last week than Benoit this week. And he didnít even need to hold hands with Mick Foley. Man, is RAW going to be in Italy next week? I have absolutely no material for that. London was easy. Japan was easy. Italy? Not so much. Expect a lot of leaning tower of pizza jokes. Especially if Viscera wrestles. Shelton Benjamin is the most athletically boring man Iíve ever seen. Good thing he gets pinned. Back to Internet Heat.

(ads)

Itís time for the Cutting Edge!

Edge: Itís time for the Cutting Edge! And look, I know what everybodyís wondering. ďWhy in the hell do you think that Orton and Michaels beating each other earlier means that you are the number one contender?Ē Well, Iíve got news for you idiots! The Voice of the Undertaker is gone, man! I can do whatever the hell I want!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: UmmÖIím back.

Edge: Awww. Fine. Can I be number one contender anyway?

Voice of Taker: Eh. What the hell do I care?

Randy Orton: No! No! I canít believe you Takerster! How could you turn your black on me, your greatest friendster to side with my best fiend in the whole whirl Edgar? I think everybloody will agree that Shane McMahon fell over, thereforth I am the Numbered Fun Confessor.

Voice of Taker: I really, really, really canít stand you still.

Shawn Michaels: Iím pretty sure that last spot in my match was botched, and Iím going to come out here and bitch and complain until I get my match with Cena. The Old HBK is back, baby!

John Cena: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo! YO! YO!

Who is number one
Itís easy to see,
Iíve beaten you all,
One two and three!

Edge isnít it,
Youíre not number one,
You didnít even wrestle,
And our feud is done.

It sure as hell ainít Randy,
He knows less moves than me,
And his grasp of English,
Is-

Orton: Fantabulouso?

Cena:

What about Shawn?
Our Mania match was great!
But youíve had your chance,
Itís time for you to wait.

Consider the options,
I think youíll see itís clear,
Nobody should face me,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Jonathan Coachman: No! Iím booking these matches as part of my duties as Executive Sexretary to Vince McMahon, and what I say goes. I say itís going to be a Handicap Match, Team Rated RKO taking on John Cena for the WWE Spinniní Title!

Orton: Hear that, Ned?! Teen Rapid Arcade-O is going to be the Joint Champs of Graph!

Edge: No! No! Undertaker! He canít make that match! That match makes no sense!

Voice of Taker: Heís got a point. Letís see what Mick Foley has to say.

Mick Foley: Thanks, Taker. Iíve got a special little boy backstage who is the honorary RAW GM tonight, and Iím going to let him book the main event of Backlash.

Chris Benoit: Thanks, Mick. The Main Event of Backlash is going to be John Cena taking on Dean Malenko, Tommy Dreamer, and Michelle McCool for the WWE Spinniní World Title. Screw you all.

Foley: ThatísÖNot what we told you to say.

Benoit: Yeah? Well screw you. Way to give me a live mic, jackass after all this crap.

Voice of Taker: Chris, we canít have these kind of nonsequiturs on this show.

Benoit: Screw you too, for taking my spot oldie. Iím going back over to Smackdown.

Voice of Taker: Sorry, guys. Canít argue with that.

(ads)

Shane McMahon v. Bobby Lashley
Hair vs. Title Match for the ECW Title

They shouldíve done this one in the ECW arena. It wouldíve been rocketbustas. Remember when people on the ECW roster used to wrestle for this title? In, like, 2000? Anyway, Shane starts off the match by beating the hell out of WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-M-M-M-Miiiiiiiike Chioda. I donít think this is Extreme Rules, so thatís the end of it. Does this mean Shane has to shave his head? Of course, not, because this brings out Totally Not Jamal and Not Important who lay the beating down on Lashley. Theyíre closely followed by Vince McMahon in a little sailor hat (adorable) who has the following announcement:

Vince McMahon: At Backlash itís going to be Vince McMahon versus Shane McMahon versus Totally Not Jamal versus Not Important versus Tommy Dreamer versus Dean Malenko versus Michelle McCool versus Fit Finlay versus Hufflelump versus John Cena versus Bobby Lashley in a match which the winner gets the title of his or her choice and the hair of the opponent of my choice gets plucked out by a small beaver.

Huh?

Next Week: The writers try to figure out how the hell they can book around the stupid crap that happened tonight. Michelle McCool beats Totally Not Jamal for the WWE Intercontinental Title. AndÖA guest appearance by Super Mario andÖThe cast of the Sopranos. Hell if I know. Anybody know Italian?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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