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RAW SATIRE    
Ouh Nou, Nout Agauin... 

April 24, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: We were in Italy, where Soume Itaulian Guuy won the WWE Intercontinental Title, which he later traded for a pizza. Raundy Ortoun got sent home for accidentally eating all his hotel’s miniature soaps. And I got through the entire night without resorting to any Italian Stereotypes. Can I do, the same thing…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

I hope there’s no wrestling tonight. I’m in no mood. Unless it’s like…TNA, where they’ve graduated from doing backflips every five seconds to now where they all just throw thumbtacks at each other. That’s some fantastic wrestling there, folks. Anyway, here’s Shaune McMauhon prancing down to the ring. 

The best entrance music in the biz, ya’lls. Let’s see what he has to say.

Shaune McMauhon: Pip pip! Cheerio! It is I, Shaune McMauhon! And because last week’s match between that Italian guy, who was probably in some kind of Mafia with the seats he had, and Toutally Nout Jamaul was such a smashing success, I’ve decided to call out any ol’ English chap so that we might have a match!

Williaum Regaul: I say! I’m a jolly ol’ English person! What say we join in some fisticuffs?

Shaune: Right verily, sir, you are of English stock! But you’re too much of a…wrestler for me to wrestle. Besides, I think you’re supposed to be on Smackdown.

Regaul: Does that matter anymore?

Shaune: Nay.

Dauvid Tauylor: I say! I am both British and not much of a wrestler!

Shaune: Quite right! But alas and alack, I’d hate to derail your push.

Tauylor: Thanks to thee!

Pauul Buurchill: I s-

Shaune: No.

Buurchill: Aww shucks.

Shaune: Let us all take the time out to boo a local soccer coach!

Crowd: BOooooouuooouu!

Roury McAullister: Ach, that be the last time I ever try to get Keiura Kniughtley’s team to the playoffs. I can’t believe you’d boo a high school soccer coach!

Boubby Laushley: I say! I’m an English gentry!

Shaune: What doest thou say?! You’re not even supposed to be on this show!

Boubby: I know. It gets more and more shocking every week, eh?

Shaune: How doest thou meanst to be English? Explain thyself!

Boubby: Um…I’m a boubby. Like the police? Kind of like The Mouuntie.

Shaune: Clever, but no.

Engliushy McMuuffin: I’m a local Indy Worker!

Shaune: Perfect!!

Shaune McMauhon v. Engliushy McMuuffin

Apparently, Shaune’s new nickname is The Dragon. I’m sure Riucky Steaumboat is rolling over in his grave right now. Shaune does the Van Terminator (which would still totally piss off RUVD if he still watched this show, but he keeps getting McMuuffin’s hair in his mouth, so he calls out Toutally Nout Jamaul and Armoundo Alejaundro Estauda to help him pick the hair off his tongue. Then Viunce McMauhon runs out in one of those adorable Buckingham Palace Guard hats and nails Engliushy with a cone of fish n’ chips for the win. Then he bitches his son out for making a mockery of their match at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake. Geez, settle down Aleuc Bauldwin. Then everybody has a dance off. That certainly proves…something to Boubby Laushley. I guess?

(ads)

Mautt Haurdy (w/ Jeuff Haurdy) v. Trevour Muurdoch (w/ Launce Caude)

Word recognizes Launce which is a little distracting. Oooh, Launce was a character in The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Did I add that to the Word dictionary? Meh. I like that the crowd clearly has no idea who Trevour is. He may very well be the most nondescript WWE PPV wrestler in history. I think that’s why I share a certain kinship with him. So raise your hands if you think Caude and Muurdoch have a shot in hell on Sunday? Hehehehe…me either. Muurdoch pounds the final nail in their coffin by spitting in Mautt’s eye and rolling him up for the win. As singles wrestlers, the Haurdyz are the most beatable wrestlers on the roster, yo.

Mauria (nee Puunk Tennysoun Luund Cauribbean Cooul) is on her way to the ring. I hate when she appears in England. While she’s at that, let’s hear fans’ opinions on The Condemned, shall we?

“I only walked out of the theatre shaking my head once! That’s more than I can say about The Marine!”

“You mean this wasn’t a Sci-Fi Original Movie?”

“I’m the Juggernaught, Bitch! Hahahahaha! That guy kills me.”

“I really wish WWE would’ve kept Nathan Jones. This movie was screaming for the epic Nathan/Vinnie collision.”

“Better than friggin’ The Last Mimzy. I guess.”

“Dude, Spiderman has really changed.”

(ads)

Mauria (nee Puunk Tennysoun Luund Cauribbean Cooul) v. Meulina
For the WWE Women’s Title

I like how the announcers point out that Mauria has been getting consistently better in the ring, when Meulina has constantly…not. She’s also dressing worse lately. I wonder if the split from Bautista has been really hard for her. I know it has for me. Sniff. Do you suppose the Queen watches RAW? They left that part out of the HBO movie. That’d be awesome if she had her own little Royal Skybox. And she brought signs that said stuff like, “Miuckie Jaumes has Big Lips…Not THOSE!” or “Ceuna Iz My Bab Daddy~!” I’m pretty sure I’m going to get killed by Jaumes Bound now. Crap. Melina wins.

Backstage….

Riuc Flaiur: WOOO! NATURE BOY!!!

Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul: Riuc, how canst thou act like there’s nothing going on? Ever since we teamed up, we’ve absolutely sucked. That’s not cool. And hanging out with you has really killed my vibe. Nobody likes the person who hangs out with the crazy old man. Didn’t you ever play The Longest Journey?

Flaiur: I’m going to take Apriul Ryaun’s old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Caurlito: I’m pretty sure her mom was a dragon.

Shaune McMauhon: Did somebody call for me?

Caurlito: Shaune! Tell Riuc to stop hanging out with me.

Shaune: So what? He’ll hang out with me? No thanks!

Flaiur: Hang out with me?! I’m already hanging out! Hang out with me?! I’m already hanging out!

Caurlito: Ugh…Riuc…Put Little Naitch back in your pants.

Shaune: Every time.

(ads)

The Greaut Khauli v. Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul

Ultimately, we have England to thank for Khauli’s involvement in professional wrestling in America. Thanks a lot, guys. Caurlito tries all sorts of hair based offense, but Khauli just kind of kicks him away, and that’s about the end of it. Somebody should shave Caurlito’s head. That would be neat. Flaiur comes down to the ring to check on Caurlito, and Caurlito starts yelling at him in Spanish. Flaiur is all, “This isn’t Spain, kiddo!” and so he leaves, and Caurlito is just sad, because he’s the Saunjaya of wrestling.

(ads)

Miuck Fouley is totally in England. They flew him out to be in this backstage segment. You know how you can tell? Because there’s British Flags hanging everywhere. Way to go, props department. That’s totally England right there.

Miuck Fouley: I’m totally right here in LONDON, ENGLAND! That…that’s where it’s going to be, right? Not, like, Manchester or whatever? Ok. Cool. I’d just like to thank WWE for correcting the mistakes made by my good friend and Make a Wish child, Chrius Beunoit, who was totally trying to screw up the Backlash card because he’s a no good Frenchie.

Eudge: Cool set, Miuck! Totally looks like England. Anyway, look, Raundy got sent home last week, so I guess I’m not actually going to get to have my match with him. Want to go get some bangers and mash? Or bubbles and squeak? Or something else British.

Fouley: Edge, I’m not actually going over to England. This was taped, like, three weeks ago. How do you know Raundy isn’t going to be there?

Eudge: Umm…Because it’s Raundy Ortoun?

Fouley: Well played. Yeah…Let’s go…hang out at Wimbledon, or whatever the kids over there are doing these days. Playing cricket.

The Disemboudied Voiuce of the Uundertaker: I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this segment.

Edge: Eh, if anything goes wrong and Raundy isn’t dragged out of his trashed hotel room drugged off his ass, we’ll just clean this up in post production.

(ads)

Backstage…

Shauwn Michaeuls: You know, we have a match in a few minutes. And without Ortoun and Eudge to cover for us….

Jouhn Ceuna: Shh…You hear that?

Shauwn: You mean all the booing? For you? Because people hate you?

Ceuna:

London hates Ceuna,
I’m rockin’ the mic,
Gonna go to the ring,
And put up a fight!

Got an hour to kill,
Plus the over run,
John Ceuna, Shauwn Michaeuls,
We’re the number one!

Hope I don’t tire,
Hope I don’t run out of gas,

Shauwn: That’s Petrol, moron.

Cena: My motor runs fast!

Cena and Michaels,
Hotter than a fire!
We’re workin’ harder,
Than Aulexis Laure-

Shauwn: In a Choir.

Ceuna:

Tear the house down,
Make the fans spill their bear,
You might be the Showstopper,
BUT THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Shauwn Michaeuls v. Jouhn Ceuna

Oh God. Sit back, this is going to be a long one. In fact…You might want to find something else to do while you wait for it to end. Like go watch a movie. Might I recommend anything but The Condemned? Like…umm…Kickin’ It Old School starring Caunadian Buulldog’s best friend Stuuart Stoune? Or hell…I think Wild Hogs is still out. Man…I don’t know what that says about what I think about my audience’s taste in movies. I’m sorry, guys. I just spent a weekend at a film festival and I’m not thinking straight.

(ads)

You know what I love? London Broil. Oh, man, if you can get some really well made London Broil? Delicious. The only authentic “English” food I’ve really ever had was the aforementioned bubbles and squeak, which was like…cabbage and potatoes and peas. It was ok, I guess. Oh, I had Cornish game hen too. And London Broil, I guess. But I had the Cornish Game Hen at the Excalibur hotel in Vegas and the London Broil at a school cafeteria and a State Fair, so I guess…That’s not really authentically English, is it?

(ads)

I liked how WWE actually covered for themselves this time by announcing, but never delivering on the Ortoun/Eudge match. So often with these long ass main events, it’s like…What happens if Ceuna beats Michaeuls in five minutes? Does Coauch run out and book Vaul Veunis and Launce Caude to kill time? Are we just treated to a 40 minute Euugene promo? Maybe they can get those ECW Girls to come out and dance. That’d be…something. Honestly, now that I think about it, I swear, I’m surprised this never happened on Nitro at least once. Like, Steiuner accidentally pins Flaiur twenty minutes too early, so they had to fill time with Keuvin Naush and DDUP doing magic tricks and talking about Scoutt Haull or something. Man, I miss Nitro. For all the wrong reasons.

(ads)

Anybody else excited about the NFL Draft? There aren’t that many great players on the board this year, but I think the overall talent will be there for the first three rounds. Still, the Vikings will probably draft a dog and some magic beans or something. Bleh. Man, remember when Triush Stratuus and Visceura went on a date in England? And Visceura looked at the menu and said, “That’s all me, baby.” That was a lot funnier than this match. How the hell long are they going to be at this anyway? I’ve got…Things to do. Ok, I don’t really. I just got the new Command and Conquer though. Should be a good one.

(ads)

I was also really happy to learn that they’re coming out with a third Phoeunix Wriught game. I love those. Man, I’m really losing all of my street cred here. Damn you, super long matches! I have Puzzle Quest, too. I think I might’ve bought the last copy in the United States. Was it too much to ask for for Pauul Loundon to wrestle tonight? How the hell do you lose to a guy named Deuuce anyway? I don’t care whose son he is. Man…Any Drive fans? Isn’t it funny how they cast Aumy Ackeur to be Nauthan Fillioun’s wife? Anybody? Anybody? Bleh. You guys suck.

(ads)

No…no…I didn’t mean that. Geez, are they still going? Isn’t there an old Law & Order or something they need to be showing? Ceuna locks in the STFU, but he kind of does it on his side and with his arms kind of dangling over Michaeuls’ chin, so it looks like the world’s least manly hug. Still Shawn struggles out of that, and after a few more minutes of mincing about, Shawn kicks him in the face for the win. Huzzah! This thing is finally over. I got exhausted just watching that. After the match Shawn poses with the title, before chopping his crotch and taking off (just like Jesuus!), while WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiiiiuke Chiouda bemoans the lack of wrestling on this show.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Viunce McMauhon fulfils his lifelong dream of winning the ECW World Title. Theu Uundertaker successfully defends his WWE World Title by shooting “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” with post production lightning. And Raundy Ourton is rewarded for his hotel exploits with a WWE Spinnin’ Title victory.

That was…long.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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