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RAW SATIRE    
Khali Did It.

May 1, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Vince McMahon fulfilled his childhood dream by winning the ECW Title. Shawn Michaels and John Cena wrestled a match with some other people in it…maybe. And That Italian Guy wasn’t there, but MVP was. Confused? Me too! Maybe we’ll get some answers…TONIGHT!!
  
Vince McMahon: I’m the ECW Champion! Finally! After all these years I join the hallowed ranks of Steve Corino, Justin Credible, Rhyno, and Tommy Dreamer!

John Cena: Yeah, that’s…something else, Vince.

Vince: I’m bringing respect back to the brand!

 
Cena: Respect? You’re a 60 year old man who likes to have other men literally kiss his pasty white ass on TV. You’re bald so you’re running around in an assortment of funny hats, and what really gets me is that your belt DOESN’T EVEN SPIN!! The only thing you’re bringing back to ECW are the days when any ol’ schlub could win the belt.

Tazz: Them were the days, brutha.

Vince: Come on, John. This is way better than Lashley. I’m a former WWE Champion!

Tazz: He’s got a point.

Cena: Conceded.

Vince: I’m going to go drink some 40s with Cryme Tyme! We haven’t fired them yet, right?

Shawn Michaels: Ready for an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN~!, John?

Cena: No. I’m so sick of seeing you right now, it’s ridiculous. What the hell was up with that never ending match last week?

Tazz: You can have a staredown with me, brotha!

Shawn: I’d hurt my neck.

Vince: I’ve got a great idea! We’ll have John Cena taking on Shawn Michaels right here tonight! It’s a dream match!

Shawn: Oh, man, this isn’t going to be one of those deals like TNA did where Joe and Angle had a pretty good match, so they proceeded to fight 900 times, is it?

Vince: Who and who?

Cena: Surely you remember Kurt Angle….

Vince: Nope.

Cena: Well, that’s ok, because THE CHAMP IS-

Vince: HERE!

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton v. Edge

We’re having this match this week because, of course, last week we were ALL OUT OF TIME! Also…Randy got kicked out of Europe. Again. How could he possibly have known that pooping in the Queen’s bag was a capitol offense.

Tony Blair: I say! That was a capitol offense, govna’!

Vince should’ve showed her a picture of his crown jewels. And…I’m done with that tangent. Edge is somehow looking less like a heavy metal zombie this week, which is nice. Good for him. The crowd starts up a “Randy Chant.” Where are we? Tampa? Egh…Nashville. Even worse!

(ads)

Orton is totally a face. He locks in the CHINLOCK~! To a massive pop. This is going to be the best face run ever. Edge Spears Randy into the announce table. Well, that wasn’t very nice. Edge is so excited that he almost falls over. That was a close one! This is so sad. Seeing two best friends fight. Like the part in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca bites Han Solo’s hand off, and he has to spend, like, a week in the bacta chamber. Then the Wampa comes in looking for Santa. I have no idea what Lucas was on when he wrote that. Orton starts bleeding for no reason, which is enough of a distraction for Edge to Spear him for the win. Match of the year.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Santino Marella (that Italian Guy who won the Intercontinental Title).

Todd Grisham: I mean…Ted Ginn?! Are you friggin’ kidding me?! You don’t want Brady Quinn, that’s one thing, draft…I don’t know…but Tedd Ginn? He wasn’t even the best receiver on his own team! You don’t draft a kick returner in the first round.

Santino Marella: I don’t really watch-a the American Football-a, sorry.

Grisham: You wouldn’t, you terrorist. What the hell am I supposed to interview you about anyway?

Marella: I’m the guy-a Vince McMahon, he pull me out-a the crowd! I win the Intercontinental title-a!

Grisham: Oh, that sounds like a great gimmick. Have fun on Heat, jackass.

Marella: My mom, she no want-a me to be the wrestler-a! But she so happy, she make-a me some lasagna for dinner-a! I’d like-a to thank Roberto Lashley-a! He help-a me to win!

Grisham: That accent is worse than Lou Albano trying to play Mario. You’re a even more of a disgrace to that title than Vince McMahon is to his. More than Chyna!

Marella: Eh! Why-a you so glum-a?

Grisham: Ted Ginn!! Can you believe that?! I mean sure he’s fast. So what? I’m fast!! Watch how fast I am!

Grisham runs full speed across the room and is decapitated by a linebacker. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Marella: It’s-a me! The Intercontinental champ-a!

Last night, Rob Van Dam had some choice words about Vince winning the ECW Title.

Rob Van Dam: Dude…do you think they have catering in TNA? Like…with waffles and things? Because that might be a deal breaker. Sometimes, I get the munchies sooo bad, I can eat a whole tray of waffles! And if there’s one th-

Tough Enough Jessie: Mr. VD, I’m sorry, but I’m supposed to get your commentary on Vince winning the ECW Title, not just twenty minutes of you rambling about waffles. Ok?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

TE Jessie: Mr. VD, how do you feel about Vince McMahon winning the ECW Title?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

TE Jessie: No, it is not all right! Mr. McMahon winning the ECW Title is a spit in the face of your legacy! Everything you and Mr. Dreamer and Mr. Man, and that Indian Guy, and to a lesser extent, The Musketeer worked so hard to achieve, Vince McMahon flushed it right down the toilet. I’m so angry right now, I’m shaking! Vince McMahon is a cancer to himself. To win the ECW title. That’s just…pissing on everything that professional wrestling stands for. That he stands for. Why, he might as well have some random guy come in and win the Intercontinental title. Oh, wait! He did! He’s just throwing away everything about this sport that means anything at all! He’s a bastard!! Why, if I had any mind at all, I’d grab a chainsaw and I’d…I’d…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RVD: Duuuude…you need to mellow out.

Elsewhere….

Shane McMahon: Vince, maybe Tough Enough Jessie is right….

Vince McMahon: Hahahahahahahahahaha

Shane: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Vince: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Shane: Gimmie that belt.

Vince: Are you kidding? I’m not done rubbing it in the internet fan boys faces yet. And besides, I’m not letting you touch this thing with your demonspawn children having hands.

Shane: Come on! I’m hardcore! I beat Steve Blackman that one time!

Vince: Fine…you can hold it. But only for a few minutes while I go try to find out whether or not I fired Cryme Tyme. I need a posse.

Shane: I had a posse once too!

Elsewhere….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Mariaaaaaaachooo!

Edge: I’ll take it from here, sick ward. I’m tired of John Cena always fighting Shawn Michaels! Isn’t everybody sick to death of that match yet? It’s almost as tiresome as when I was fighting John Cena last year! So I propose that we get rid of Shawn Michaels and put me and Cena back in a feud again. What do you say Maria?

Maria: I say, “achoo!”

(ads)

Johnny Nitro v. Jeff Hardy

Melina isn’t Nitro’s valet, Cade & Murdoch are. Boy, talk about a step down. I mean…Melina wasn’t even a great start, but, geez. I wonder if she and Dave hit it off again last night. Anyway, the match continues in an orderly fashion to its conclusion, and as Jeff is halfheartedly celebrating his win and overcoming the odds, Cade and Murdoch give him a round of applause. They offer to shake the hand of the man that dared to tame the beast, Johnny Nitro, but Jeff just got a manicure, and he’s afraid Murdoch’s tobacco stained fingers will ruin the buff. One might say that the tag division is heating up!

(ads)

Shane McMahon is in the ring.

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! I just found out that my boy, Armando Alejandro Estrada lost his hat tonight, so he won’t be coming out here. But you know who will be coming out here? Come on! Just guess! No, it’s not Jamal, you sillies! It’s Totally Not Jamal!

(ads)

Totally Not Jamal (w/ Shane McMahon) v. Rob Van Dam

RVD is, of course, reppin’ the “soon to be unemployed’ crew tonight. The story of the match is that Rob Van Dam is fast and stupid, but Not Jamal is fat and stupid, and of course, fat and stupid wins in that contest every time. Rob goes for the body slam like he’s Lex Luger, but the Lex Express has long left the station, and unless you’re John Cena, you aren’t doing this. Rob goes for one of those spin kicks he does so well, and Not Jamal nails him with the Thumb to the Balls. Not quite as catchy as the Thumb to the Eye, but it’ll do. Not Jamal wins! After the match, Vince McMahon comes out and dances on RVD’s corpse, no doubt trying to dredge up the spirit of 911, who will direct him to the whereabouts of Cryme Tyme.

(ads)

Cowboy Troy is in the audience. If you’re thinking, “Who?” you’re on the right track.

Backstage….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: I just wanted to thank you, Ric. All this time I’ve spent with you as my fake TV dad has taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. That’s why, to celebrate, I’ve gotten us booked in a match tonight.

Flair: But what if Cena and Michaels go 90 minutes?

Carlito: Then we’ll be pushed back to Internet Heat.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ.

Carlito: Naitch…dad, I’m really going to enjoy turning on you.

Flair: Me too, son. Me too.

Torrie Wilson: Wait. What?

Shawn Michaels v…

Shawn doesn’t come out. Oh boy! They really brought the old Shawn back! He’s probably backstage wining and throwing things at Arn Anderson and kicking Irwin R. Shyster! This is going to be the best Judgment Day ever! Oh, wait…he’s backstage lying in a pool of his own blood. Oh no! Did he take up cutting!! Shawn, you have so much to live for!

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman has joined the party.

Jonathan Coachman: What’s going on back here! Shawn, you aren’t cutting yourself are you?! You have so much to live for!

Irwin R. Shyster: He was attacked, you moron.

Coach: One more word out of you, and I’ll kick you so hard…Wait! Attacked! I know who did this! Val Venis! You did this! This is your revenge on Shawn Michaels for never showcasing you when he was Commissioner!

Sean Cold Val Venis: No! No! I swear! It’s just…it’s something I do. I run around backstage hoping to find injured people. Then I act all surprised and call for help. It’s…It’s the only way I can get on TV.

Coach: That actually makes sense! You’re clear. What about you, John Cena? What are you doing mysteriously lurking in the shadows there?

John Cena: Me? I’m just enjoying a refreshing glass of water while hiding this lead pipe behind my back.

Coach: That doesn’t seem very suspicious.

Vince McMahon: What’s going on out here! Is Shawn cutting himself?

Coach: He was attacked!

Vince: That’ll show him for walking around backstage! Yeah! Let this be a warning to you all! Don’t walk around backstage! Doctor, will he be ok?

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman! And I’m coming to apply gauze to YOU!

Ric Flair and Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Charlie Haas!! I’ve always wondered why turns in matches like this take so long to happen. Like, what if Flair wins the match before Carlito has time to turn on him? What if Shelton Benjamin beats up Carlito? Why take all the extra damage? I’m probably over thinking this, but there are just too many variables there that you wouldn’t want to risk. If A-Rod wanted to turn on Jeter, you better believe he wouldn’t wait until the bottom of the ninth with two men out and Jeter at bat to tie to run out and take out his knee. No, he’d do it while they were in bed together, when Derek least expects it. As it stands right now? Carlito waits until he’s taken a beating for six minutes, and then he punches Flair in the neck. Flair responds by grabbing him in the balls, so Carlito runs. Nice job on the heel turn there, Triple C.

Backstage, Coach finds Edge choked out with his own gaudy Rated R belt. Oh no. You have so much to live for. Coach pulls out his two sided hat, cape, pipe, and novelty sized magnifying glass. Yes. Yes. Hmm…He appears to be knocked out.

(ads)

Hey! Look, everybody! It’s Ken Kennedy! What will he say next?

Ken Kennedy: Hello everyone! It’s me! Misssssssssssstaaaaaaaaaaaah Kennedy! Kennedy! And I know what you’re all thinking, besides what will I say next, I mean. No, I’m not the one who attacked Edge or Shawn Michaels. Why would I do that?! I’m not even supposed to be on this show! I just came here to steal some waffles and put them in my briefcase. It gets lonely and hungry over on Smackdown. And I’d just like to say, that I’m going to cash in my briefcase at a time that makes no sense! That’s right! When the champion is at his healthiest. His primest. I’m determined to cash this Money in the Bank contract at some off month PPV, when I have no shot of winning the title! Kennedy!

Elsewhere, Randy Orton is lying in a pool of his own filth.

Johnathan Coachman: Randy! What are you doing? You have…meh. You don’t really. Actually, I don’t even think he was attacked. I’m pretty sure this is his natural state.

Just Kenny: Coach! I saw the whole thing!

Coach: Kenny? What the hell are you doing here? That’s awfully suspicious!

Kenny: Sigh…I’m Val Venis’ understudy.

Coach: Well…keep it up.

(ads)

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Man! I can’t wait to take on…wait…who’s on the ECW roster again?

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, all our main eveners are dead. Except Randy Orton. I think he’s fine. Now what will we do for the last match of the night? Book John Cena against Lance Cade?

Vince: Lord no! I know exactly what we’re going to do for a main event. An interview segment. Everybody loves those.

Coach: I don’t think you’ve thought this all the way through.

Vince: You’re probably right. I’ve checked out of this show already. I’m gearing up for my ECW Title defense against…Danny Doring?

Coach: You fired him.

Vince: Shannon Moore?

Coach: You know what? Sure.

Melina and Victoria v. Alexis Laree and Boobsie McTitsalot

Team Naked Lives! They don’t need Ashley. For some reason Alexis is playing the face in peril here, which is both unconvincing and completely hilarious. Melina’s hair is Carlito levels out of control. Boobsie is in and she’s a house a fire. Wow. I’ve changed my mind, this is my match of the year so far. Boobsie takin’ out the competition. She should be the next Women’s Champion. Victoria tries for a suplex, but Boobsie rolls her up for the win. After the match, everybody is surprised at how this was the main event.

John Cena is wandering around backstage. Will he find out who the true killer is before this ad break? No!

(ads)

ECW wrestlers react to Vince McMahon winning the ECW Title.

Tommy Dreamer: I swear, man, I’m really pissed I won that title now. I can’t believe I have to be in the same title lineage as Bobby Lashley. Man…This is almost as depressing as the time I ate the urinal cake. Did you know they were cherry? Don’t…Don’t try it for yourself, ok?

The Sandman: GAAAAAAH! So, I call Sam Raimi, and I’m like, “Helloooooooo” and he’s all “I don’t think we’re ever going to do the Sandman, sorry.” And now, look. WHO’S in Spiderman 3? Oh, well it’s THE SANDMAN! Played by who? That dick from Wings and Sideways. SCREW THAT! I am the Sandman! You hear me?! GAAAAAAAH! What? Vince McMahon won the ECW Title?! Who care?! I’m going to go stick my Singapore Cane up Tobey McGuire’s fake ass.

Sabu: ….

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuude…I thought we already did this. And I was great! Yeah! All right!!

Sandman: I mean that literally. His ass is artificial.

John Cena stomps down to the ring. You know he means business. Or we’re already into the overrun and his ass needs to hurry up.

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo! YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Somebody attacks,
The competition goes down,
Faster than Brady Quinn,
Fell to the Browns.

But John Cena still stands,
I will not be sacked,
I’m going to take you down,
And I’m going get my quarter back.

Whoever is attacking guys,
You think you’re in the clear?
You’ve still got one target left,
The CHAMP IS HERE!

Then The Great Khali comes out and squishes him.

Next Week: With no main eveners left, Vince McMahon books himself to fight Chris Candido in the RAW Main Event. Next week’s random Smackdown cameo? Scotty 2 Hotty. And the laughs just keep coming when Victoria takes on Maria in a ladder match.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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