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RAW SATIRE    
The All New Ranky Q. Morgan, Now With
Precisely the Same Number of Chinlocks! 

May 8, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The Great Khali pretty much killed the whole roster except Val Venis and Just Kenny. Vince McMahon introduced us to his version of “extreme” which mostly consisted of him looking for Cryme Tyme all night. And Carlito tried and failed to turn on his dad Ric Flair. Who will he fail to turn on…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Hey, look! Vince is in the ring! Lay it on me, Vinnie!

Vince McMahon: How awesome was it last week when Great Khali laid out the whole roster? I got to go see Spiderman in peace, without The Highlanders constantly bugging me about getting them more TV time.
 

Jonathan Coachman: Weren’t you a little…under whelmed?

Vince: How do you mean?

Coach: I mean they totally blew it with Venom. They should’ve given him his own movie if they were going to bother. And then…emo Peter Parker? The whole movie felt like it should’ve been two different movies, and the silly parts were too-

Vince: Don’t over think it, nerd.

Shawn Michaels: Ron Howard’s daughter was hot as Gwen Stacy though. Right?

Vince: Isn’t that…like…against your religion?

Shawn: Err….

Jesus: Hecks no, son. That girl was hawt.

Shawn: …Right.

Vince: So what do you want?

Shawn: More mic time for the Great Khali?

Vince: Huh?

Shawn: That guy cracks me up. Let’s have him wrestle me for the #1 Contendership, beat me, and give him TONS of mic time leading up to Judgment Day. It’s going to be awesome, trust me.

Vince: Shouldn’t…The Voice of the Undertaker have an issue with that?

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Nah, screw it. That Khali cracks me up too.

Vince: You know what cracks me up? The insinuation that I shouldn’t be the ECW champion. Hey! I’m hardcore! I totally danced atop the ECW Arena that one time.

Bobby Lashley: Vince! Don’t make me laugh! I’m the one true ECW fans want to be the champion. I’m the one that truly embodies the spirit of the Original ECW. Give me my belt back!

Vince: I’ve got it! If you can beat me, Shane, and Totally Not Jamal in a game of EXTREME Scrabble, then you can have your sill belt back.

Lashley: Extreme…Scrabble?

Vince: Yeah…All the pieces are covered in barbed wire! You can’t even read the letters!

Coach: He’s hardcore! He’s hardcore! He’s hardcore!

Vince: Wait until you see the latest issue of WWE Magazine where I’ve Photoshopped myself as a huge black man. Then you’ll see how hardcore I can be. Now where’s Cryme Tyme?

While Vince goes backstage to look for Cryme Tyme, Lashley beats up Coach. Just ‘cuz. Meanwhile, backstage….

Boobsie McTitsalot: Hey, Alexis! Are you still a creepy lesbian?

Alexis Laree: No! I’m totally not!

Boobsie: Great! Come here and help me put my shirt on! I always get the arm and head holes mixed up.

Alexis: Me too! Except not. Nice boobs!

Boobsie: Thanks! You’re so smart!

(ads)

Boobsie McTitsalot and Alexis Laree v. Victoria and Melina

That’s pretty much exactly what I imagine most of these girls’ conversations sound like. Also Shannon Moore. If I ever win the Money in the Bank briefcase though, I’m totally going for the Women’s Title. There’s no more prestigious title in professional wrestling today. Seriously, though. I’d just go in there with a towel and try to wash that horrible make-up off Melina’s face. Boobsie pins Melina in what I’m sure is supposed to be an upset or something, except that this might lead to a Boobsie/Melina feud, so I’d rather just ignore it and pretend that there isn’t really a Women’s Division. LALALALALALALA

(ads)

Iron Chef Italian Santino Marella v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Angel Hair Pasta Battle for the Intercontinental Iron Chef Title

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-san!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Maria, Tony was brutally killed a few weeks ago in Italy. They’re still looking for a replacement, so I guess you and I are flying solo for this battle between Iron Chefs! Iron Chef Italian Santino Marella and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters!

Maria: Pssst! I like puppies!

Hatori: Right…I guess I’m going to have to do this one myself. Iron Chef Italian burst onto the scene suddenly three weeks ago, making a huge impact and winning the WWE Intercontinental Title in his very first match in his “native” Italy. The ingredient tonight seems to favor Marella as Angel Hair is the favorite pasta of Italian Americans who move to Canada, become Russian, and then turn Italian.

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Huh?

Maria: Nooooo! You’re supposed to say, “Go ahead!”

Hatori: Oh…Right! Go ahead!

Maria: Iron Chef Italian has this one just about wrapped up. Apparently, due to a spelling error in tonight’s ingredient assignment, Iron Chef Masters thought the ingredient was Angle Hair pasta, so he didn’t prepare anything. Cerrrrrazay, right?

Hatori: Wait, Masters can read?!

Maria: For Dr. Yukio Hatori, I’m Maria Neep Pork Takes Long Cooking Clock. Join us here next time in Kitchen Stadium when we find out who will reign Supreme!!

Hatori: Wait…WHAT?!

(ads)

Mr. Kennedy is on stage. This becomes less shocking every time he does it!

Ken Kennedy: It’s me! Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaah Kennedy! Kennedy! I’m just out here to remind you all that Wrestlemania 36 or whatever is right around the corner, and I’m totally going to be in the main event. Unless I tear my tricep. Which will never happen. Did I just get beat by Matt Hardy the other day. Geez…My career is a joke. Kennedy!

Elsewhere….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Plug Ten Leaks Constructing Clarity here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. Randy, you always have things to say! Here’s a microphone with which to say them into!

Randy Orton: Thank you, Margaritas, for that stirring interdiction! That is cortex. I, Ranky Q. Morgan, have often to have things with which I am saying by means of speech on microphones. To that n, I have a statement with which I would like to state things that I need to be stating.

Maria: Proceed in a calm and orderly fashion.

Orton: Glibly! I, Ranky Q. Morgan, here on the 44st Day in the month of Ray do heregoby slovenly swear to turn my life and cat ears back around to the point at which their end is now their beginning and Nissan Versa, as the case and or capers may be. I’ve done a lock of enthralling things in the past year, Mania, some I’m proud of, some I’m even prouder of. But, even I, a Morgan as my father was not before me, realize that mayperhaps it is time for a change for the bell curve for Ranky Q. Morgan. I’m not saying that I will be a model cinnamon, though I may model from time to time as my sludgual makes permittance. All I am saying in this statement in which I am stating things that need to be stated, is that the significant loss of fortune which I once had but no longer am in possession of through forces that I am at no libertine to discus but I assure you had little or possibly much to do with a certain hotel which may or may not have been contained within the borders of the country of Europa, that may indeed mayhaps have been crushed when I was in the throes of ex-Stacy. The tooth of the marker is that I’ve done a bunch of crap over the corpse of my life that I’m real real sorry for, and tonight, Gorilla, tonight, I feel like it’s time to get my life back to starting what I what I finished! Tonight, you are looking at the new Ranky Q. Morgan, who is totally not saying any of this so WWE officials like Vic Moonman don’t fire him! No! I’m serially commissioned to setting my house in Orko, and probably scoring massive amounts of drugs and hookers tonight after the show, if I was into that kind of thing, which I toe nailly am…I mean not. Maybe.

Maria: Psst…I have ten fingers!

Orton: ME TOO! I think!

(ads)

The Condemned withstood the onslaught of Spiderman this weekend to finish…oh, we’ll just say 82nd. Just ahead of Kickin’ It Old School staring Canadian Bulldog and Rolf from the Muppets.

The Highlanders v. Totally Not Jamal

The Highlanders get the “already in the ring” and “sans Eugene Highlander” treatment, so Vince must be really pissed. If that’s not bad enough, he’s sent Totally Not Jamal after them. Does your eye grow back if you’re immortal? I think so, right? So I guess by way of punishment this isn’t so bad! And they get their TV time! Yay! Everybody’s a winner! Not Jamal shoves their faces in each other’s crotches, because there’s nothing the Isle of Samoa loves more than gay jokes (Hi, The Rock!), and the hits them both with a Thumb to the Eye for the win. Not Jamal is strong enough for two men! So long as they’re part of a jobber tag team….

(ads)

Edge is wandering around backstage.

Edge: I enjoy a brisk stroll around the backstage area from time to time!

Ken Kennedy: Hey there, Edge! What’s up? Out for a stroll?

Edge: Don’t you talk to me! Your very presence here every week threatens the already thin fabric that is holding this brand split together! And if the brand split ends? I’m back to main eventing Heat while I sit around and wait for the nine guys ahead of me to get hurt or retire.

Kennedy: Oooh, man! Good point! I have a hard enough time main eventing on my own show. I just jobbed to Matt Hardy for Pete’s sake. Bleh. I’m a failure at being the Money in the Bank champion. How was I going to keep this up until Wrestlemania?

Edge: Good point, dude. Besides, you haven’t stolen nearly enough catch phrases to be a proper Money in the Bank champion. And don’t even get me started on the Matt Hardy thing, ok? Hey what the hell are you putting in there anyway?

Kennedy: I’ve…I’ve got it set up as a giant Battleship case.

Edge: Coooool! I mean…no! Stupid! You…you better let me hold onto that for a while. You don’t deserve to be the Money in the Bank champion, and you know it!

Kennedy: Aww…You’re right. Do you want to fight for it tonight?

Edge: Not really, but if that’s the level of contrivance I have to go through to get another WWE Title shot, then I’d be happy to.

Kennedy: Yay! I get to wrestle on the main show! Kennedy!

Shawn Michaels v. The Great Khali
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title

How stupid is Kennedy anyway? Eh. Never mind. I’m pretty sure I’d be disappointed by the answer anyway. Oh, I guess Khali answers tonight’s WWE Trivia Question: How many jungle savages can you have on the roster at one time? Two. Shawn beats the ever living crap out of Khali to start, because he’s no stranger to beating up “unstoppable giants.” Shawn tries to get Khali to cut a mid match promo, but Khali beals him through the announce table instead. The ref calls for the bell because Shawn has never ever gone through a table before. After the match Khali celebrates the fact that he’s tall enough to get a push. Take that Funaki!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I’ve gotta ask you, how do you feel about Randy Orton’s promo tonight?

Cena: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO! YO! YO!!!

What the hell did he say,
Could you understand?
Orton talkin’ moon talk,
Like a Modern Ayn Rand!

He wants to turn his life around,
No more trashin’ hotels?
No booze, no hookers?
No Lindsey Lohan smells?

I’ll believe it, Todd,
When I see it for myself!
I’ve got as much faith in Orton,
As The Condemned has wealth!

Todd Grisham:

I’m tired of your raps,
Sucka ain’t got no game,
Your jokes are all pathetic,
Your skillz are mad lame.

T-Dawg is the master,
I’m bringing it hardcore.
Every day at your house,
Leave your girl wanting more.

I’m the wicked interviewer,
You’re just a paper champ.

The Marine
was a bomb,
Like Ernest Goes to Camp!

Take your Spinnin’ Title,
Shove it up your ass!
I’m coming after you,
Like an gangsta Ira Glass!

Gonna take you to school,
Pull your brain out your ear,
Throw it away like garbage,
‘Cuz-

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

T-Dawg: Word, son.

Cena: Hey, do you want to rap on my next album? I’m totally getting rid of Tha Trademarc. I don’t know what I was thinking there.

T-Dawg: Nah, homey. I’m getting gunned down ghetto style.

Cena: What?! Why?!

T-Dawg: Because, that’s the way you become a star in this business, son. You ain’t nothin’ until you’ve been hit in a drive by. Then they release 15 albums of posthumous material.

T-Dawg gets hit in a drive by. T-Dawg has fallen. In a completely unrelated note! Here’s Cryme Tyme!

JTG: Yo! Remember us? It’s Cryme Tyme, baby!

Shad Gaspard: And we’re here to offer up our suggestions for a joyous Mother’s Day celebration.

JTG: Word.

Shad: You know what my mom loves? Steak! Why not get your mom a big ol’ steak?

JTG: Dude, that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, my mom likes steak ok, but you don’t get your mom steak for Mother’s Day.

Shad: It’ll all make sense in a second….

Elsewhere….

Viscera: Man, I’m really thirsty. I’m going to drink this bottle of A-1! Hey! I’m on TV!

Back….

JTG: That made even less sense.

Shad: How about pills of questionable origin?! Moms LOVE taking pills!

JTG: Well, that’s true, dawg!

Elsewhere…

Eugene Highlander: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

Back….

JTG: Yo, man, what pills did you give that cracka?

Shad: No pills. He just watched the Randy Orton promo, dawg.

JTG: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Shad: You know what moms truly love? Stolen vehicles! Like this one!

Elsewhere….

Farooq: My Hummer has been stolen. That is most unfortunate. Though, to tell you the truth, I don’t know why I bought that car in the first place. It isn’t gas efficient, and it’s too big for a single person like myself. Besides, it was too expensive for a person of my limited paycheck. I’m going to go file a claim with my insurance agent and use the settlement money to buy myself a nice small, bio-diesel car from Europe.

Back…

JTG: Yo, that joint is OFF THE HOOK! FOR REALZ!

Shad: But you know what mothers truly want for Mother’s Day? The respect and love of their children. Wherever you are, right now, call your mom and let her know you love her.

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAH! I don’t have a mom! I’m an orphan! WAAAAH! And I’m barren! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

JTG: Yo! I think I hear Vince coming! Let’s get out of here!

Shad: Word!

(ads)

The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. The Hardy Boyz
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Gentlemenly Cade and Murdoch are at ringside again this week doing their best job not to tell J.R. not to shut up when he can’t tell the Hardyz apart. Jeff is the one with the Kool Aid hair, Jim. Nice to see them trot out Charile and Shelton on consecutive nights. I guess they’re almost out of tag teams for the Hardyz to fight though. Unless you count The Highlanders and Cryme Tyme (you don’t). After a few seconds of back and forth action, Jeff hits the Swanton on Haas and Matt gets the pin. After the match, the Hardyz shake hands with Murdoch and Cade, but decline the post-RAW “river rafting adventure.” I would’ve thought Jeff would be all over that.

(ads)

Here’s an ad for Abe Orton. I have a bad feeling about this.

Carlito has hit the ring.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Ow! That ring is hard. Carlito shouldn’t punch the ring anymore. But what Carlito should punch is Ric Flair! Ric, you were a horrible TV dad! We never played catch, you never took me fishing, I still don’t know how to ride a bike, you didn’t read to me, and to top it all off, your old ass lost most of our matches! If you were here in Pennsylvania right now and not using up Randy’s leftover hooker credits in Vegas, I’d be all over you like white on rice.

Torrie Wilson: I don’t really feel like turning heel right now.

Carlito: That’s fiiiiiine. Dude, every guy who’s ever been managed by you has sucked. I don’t want to be part of that stigma any more. So as of right now, you’re fired from being my girlfriend.

Torrie: Are you…Are you breaking up with me?

Carlito: Would it help if I did it in Klingon?

Torrie: Not really.

Carlito: Are you suggestively holding your stomach to indicate that you’re pregnant? Because I really can’t take that angle right now.

Torrie: Hecks no! I just ate some bad Angle Hair pasta earlier.

Carlito: Phew. Laters.

(ads)

Ken Kennedy (Kennedy) v. Edge
For the Money in the Bank Briefcase

Kennedy trips on his way out and spills the little pegs from his battleship board all over the ramp. Dude! You’ll never be able to find them all again. People are going to be pulling the pegs out of the entrance ramp for years. Edge takes serious affront to Kennedy’s clumsiness and starts wailing on poor Ken. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton is on the scene, as he reminds Kennedy that he doesn’t even wrestle on this show, but Ken isn’t having any of it. With tears in his eyes, he stands up, knowing he is a failure as the Money in the Bank champion. He runs towards Edge and allows himself to eat the Spear. How noble! How very…Obi Wan of Mr. Kennedy. Edge may have won the briefcase, but I think we all know who the real winner here is.

(ads)

Wait…Was it Orton?

Randy Orton v. John Cena

Randy certainly looks more focused than ever here, which isn’t really saying much, I know. But at least the guy is trying to take responsibility for his…actions…Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t keep that up. Orton with the CHINLOCK~! At least the New and Improved Randy Orton still has some parts of his original self. The Great Khali wanders down to ringside and steals the WWE Spinnin’ Title because it’s shiny (and it spins~!). Cena goes out to explain to him that it’s wrong to steal other people’s things, so Khali turns to give him the belt back. However, as he’s taking back his belt, John slips on some Battleship pegs and falls over. ORTON WINS!! His career is saved!

Next Week: The leaf turning process for Randy Orton continues when he decides to crap near someone’s bag rather than in it. Baby steps, Randy! John Cena and The Great Khali have a misunderstanding about who’s paying for dinner that lands them both in the dish room. And Edge cashes in his Money in the Bank contract against Melina! Will that guy never stop stealing?

All that and Andy Rooney…next week!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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