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RAW SATIRE    
These Are Not the Superstars 
You're Looking For. Move Along. 

May 22, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Shawn Michaels fell over so many times even Randy Orton was like, “Bitch, please.” Vince McMahon, believe it or not, is still as handsome and charming as ever. Oh, and also the ECW Champion. And The Great Khali failed to capture his first world title, crushing the hopes and dreams of tall people everywhere. They’re being held down! Who else will be held down…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Bobby Lashley is on his way to the ring. Huh. They’re going to let him cut a promo?! Let’s watch him struggle at this together!

Bobby Lashley: Last night, I defeated all those McMahon… Guys, but I guess I didn’t pin Vince or something, so now I’ve got to try to beat him. With that in mind, I’d like to challenge Mr. McMahon to a match right here in this very ring…TONIGHT!

 
Vince McMahon:
What am I? Stupid? Of course I’m not going to wrestle you. Not here and certainly not at the increasingly inaccurately named ECW Three Night Stand. In fact, I’ve already got my opponent picked out for Three Night Stand! The Homicidal, Genocidal, Death Defying ECW Icon Sabu!

Shane McMahon: Pops, I hate to be the one to bring this up, but you fired him.

Vince: Well…crap. What about that vampire chick?

Shane: Her too.

Vince: Chris Chetti?

Shane: Oh, come on! Are you even trying?

Vince: Umm…The Musketeer?

Shane: Look, Bobby, my dad crushes people like you in street fights. He’s beaten everybody the industry has thrown at him! Austin, Undertaker, umm…Actually, he’s lost quite a few too. Triple H, Hogan…Me…Hell, I think Funaki got over on him one night.

Vince: You’re not helping any.

Shane: You don’t know anybody currently on the ECW roster, Mr. High and Mighty.

Vince: Fair enough. Since I can’t seem to remember anybody else to book myself against, I guess I’ll fight you for the 131st time. But only if you defeat my Gauntlet in that very ring tonight!

Lashley: Can I be the red elf?!

Vince: Huh?

Lashley: Sigh…never mind.

Shane: Dibs on the Blue Valkyrie!

Lashley and Shane high five.

Vince: Dammit, Shane!

Last Night: Whyspyr showed up on PPV! Will she join the ECW Tuesday Nitro Girls Review? Only time will tell.

(ads)

But probably not, no.

Ric Flair vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

Carlito is still pissed that Flair never taught him how to ride a bike. Well, it’s a little hard when he’s too busy taking your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO! That…wasn’t very subtle on my part. Hey, you try being the only non-Scaia column on this site now, Carlito! At about the five minute mark both guys bail on the match to gout out for dinner at Denny’s and talk about their feelings. But in a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Flair takes Carlito to Perkins instead, and they don’t have the Moons over My Hammy, so Carlito freaks out and hits Flair with a Mammoth Muffin and takes off. And so the son has become the father. Or…something?

(ads)

Melina vs. Boobsie McTitsalot

Non-title, of course, because Boobsie doesn’t have a Money in the Bank briefcase to turn in. I do think the ladies need to start having more ladder matches though. We were headed that way a few years ago, and it was the only time in about twenty years that the division was vaguely interesting. If they were serious about humbling Orton, they should make him wrestle in the Women’s Divison. And lose. To Boobsie. Speaking of losing to Boobsie, Melina does. You know what that means! Three more weeks of Boobsie matches! YAY!

(ads)

Backstage….

The Great Khali: AAARRGGGPHHHUD!

Indian Eric Bischoff: Yes, I’m shocked that I’m a recurring character too.

Khali: WWOOOP WOOP BEDOODEEEOW

Indian Eric: I’m not really sure going out there dressed like a Vegas Showgirl is going to prove anything to John Cena.

Khali: SHAZAAAAM!

Indian Eric: Ok, you just said “Shazaam.” That’s not even Punjab.

Khali: OOOOOGHLDKUJ YHUMPHALLA!

Indian Eric: No, no. I get it. You want to be pretty. But I’m not really sure that’s the image we want to be conveying here. No. Don’t…don’t cry…

Khali: WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I want to be pretty too! WAAAAAAAAH!

Elsewhere, Bobby Lashley is playing “Cooking Mama.” He’s up…NEXT!

(ads)

Bobby Lashley vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In an Indecipherable Hunk of Meat Battle

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Welcome folks, to another battle right here in Kitchen Stadium, this is part of a gauntlet to see if Lashley can get another shot at the ECW Title! Tonight’s ingredient is a hunk of meat of some kind on a plate. Is it…beef?

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Uh…I guess I don’t get a broadcast partner again this week. Ok, Maria. Go ahead!

Maria: Red Iron Chef needs food badly!

Hatori: Well, that is kind of the point of the challenge, yes. Any insight into what their cooking or how it’s turning out?

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Go ahead!

Maria: Red Iron Chef is about to die!

Hatori: Great. But I’d really like some idea of what they’re cooking down there.

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Go ahead!!

Maria: Neep neep! Neep neep! Neep neep!

Hatori: Ugh…Let’s go down to our expert judging panel.

Randy Jackson: Bobby Lashley! You know you my dawg, right!? That was HOT! You blew it out the box! Major Yo Factor! The Meat A La Mode was a little pitchy in spots. A little pitchy. Paula?

Paula Abdul: Bobby, you are wonderful. You’re like…a bright explosion of colors that brightens up our lives and I think that there’s a beautiful radiance about your cooking that infuses all of us, and I think that you have a tremendous amount of beauty that radiates from your every…orifice.

Simon Cowell: Right, Bobby. That was awful. Horrible presentation, horrible flavoring, the preparation was old fashioned, and quite frankly, I’m still pissed off that Melinder was voted off.

Maria: I’ve got five o’clock shadow! To vote for Bobby Lashley dial 1-8-3-the pound sign, press star twice and then spin on your head three times!

Randy Jackson: Chris Masters! You know you my dawg, right!? That was HOT! You blew it out the box! Major Yo Factor! The Not Quite Finished Before You Died Meat Pie was a little pitchy in spots. A little pitchy. Paula?

Paula Abdul: Chris…what can I say? Even after you died thanks to Death sapping you of all your life when you didn’t have a potion, you still leave these little keys of joy behind in your wake. I think you know it wasn’t your best performance, but you know what? Who cares? You’ll be right back to blowing up ghost generators next week.

Simon Cowell: The very idea that you are attempting to represent the chefs of America is sickening and horrifying. You should go back to dragging your knuckles in the jungle and leave the cooking to those of us who’ve climbed a rung or two on the evolutionary ladder.

Maria: To vote for Chris Masters throw your phone at the couch, turn off the TV, spin around five times, place all the items in your pockets onto the floor and take a brisk jog around the block. Standard text messaging fees apply. Neep Pudgy Teddys Love Crazy Cooks out!

Meanwhile the Hardyz are backstage. Thanks for that establishing shot!

(ads)

Steve Austin recently went on a lot of talk shows to talk about The Condemned. You mean the Regis crowd isn’t into watching a bald muscleman pretend to kill people on the Internet? Man…I thought they had something there.

Just Kenny and Johnny Nitro vs. The Hardy Boyz

I don’t know whether I feel worse for Kenny or Nitro for being shunted into this tag team. Geez. On the other hand, I’ll bet they’ll have a great time arguing about whose girlfriend is more likely to leave them for another member of the roster. Man, Matt must be pissed they’re stealing his gimmick. In fact, he refuses to tag in, and Jeff wins the match by himself. Nice teamwork there, weirdos. Afterwards, The World’s Greatest Tag Team runs out to get some screen time, but they’re waylaid by Cade and Murdoch who won’t stand for this tag team “divison” nonsense. It’s only supposed to be them and the Hardyz! After the match, Matt storms out and vows that he’s totally quitting Kenny and Johnny’s Warcraft guild. That’ll show ‘em!

The Great Khali is backstage. I don’t get it. Does Kevin Dunn assume I’d think they’d be on the roof or driving go karts around the parking lot until it’s time for their segment or something?

(ads)

The Great Khali is in the ring! Oh, RAW, what lengths won’t you go to to excite me?

The Great Khali: PAAAH BAAAH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: Well…Yeah, I guess we could’ve done this backstage.

Khali: NABUNGO DIAPATOOO!

Indian Eric: The Great Khali would like to tell you all that he thought Shrek the Third was a delightful movie, and a fun romp for the entire family. He’s giving it 6 out of 8 stars. Eight?

Khali: OOOOMG IGBIDIGBIDOO!

Indian Eric: He would also like to say that he got screwed last night, and would like to challenge John Cena to another match.

Khali: HORGBERT IFFTYEL!

Indian Eric: Apparently, he wasn’t slapping the mat because he wanted to tap out. He was slapping the mat because he remembered a particularly funny fart joke from the movie.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

Indian Eric: Master! John Cena, WWE Champ.

Khali: AAAAGH PHOOODA!

Cena: I must be allowed to speak.

Indian Eric: He must be allowed to speak.

Khali: NOOOOOPHF!

Indian Eric: The Great Khali bids you welcome and will gladly pay you $14 for the WWE Title.

Cena: I want $50,000! No less!

Khali: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Indian Eric: The Great Khali would like to know why he must pay $50,000.

Cena: Because I’m holding a thermal detonator!

Indian Eric: Because he’s holding a Thermal Detonator!!

Cena: Some translator you’ve got there.

Khali throws a switch on the turnbuckle and Cena falls down a trap door.

Cena:

Fallin’ down the well,
Gonna have a match,
Three Night Stand,
With Great Khali natch!

It’s not the spirit of ECW,
This crap is barely hardcore,
Khali is so damn slow,
Katie won’t even have to bar the door!

Thermal detonator in one hand,
Got my title in the other,
John Cena gonna win so fast,
He’s gonna beat Khali’s mother!

Trapped under the arena,
Find a way to get into the clear,
Soon as I find the stairs,
The CHAMP IS HERE!

Randy Jackson: John Cena! You know you my dawg, right!? That was HOT! You blew it out the box! Major Yo Factor! Thermal detonator part was a little pitchy in spots. A little pitchy. Paula?

Paula Abdul: John, you are everything that is good and right in this world. If I could bottle you up, I would keep it all to myself because nobody deserves to experience the goodness that your music brings to the world. When you make another album, it will eliminate AIDS in Africa.

Simon Cowell: Better than Sanjaya.

(ads)

Bobby Lashley vs. Viscera
Gauntlet Match #2

Lashley looks worried when Viscera comes out. I mean…I know he’s fat, but this is still the guy who consistently jobs to Eugene, right? I mean…This isn’t exactly a Tour De Force here. Maybe Lashley’s just worried Vis is going to get some of his stank on him. That can be rough. Anyway, the story of this match is pretty much that Viscera is fat, but Lashley is constantly countering that with his relevance to the program. Finally, Viscera gets so upset that nobody is taking him seriously as a threat to Bobby that he leaves the ring to get some hot dogs and never comes back. Lashley wins!

(ads)

Torrie Wilson, Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly, Broyke, Leyla El, Maryse Omlette and Ashley Massaro are all in the ring. After Kelly stops trying to dance, Ashley stops trying to dig under Torrie for truffles and Maryse explains in broken French who, exactly, she is, they get to the task at hand.

Torrie Wilson: So, like, apparently we were all in a music video?

Ashley: I totally almost ran Timbaland through with my tusks.

Torrie: And, I guess, like, we’re the only two Divas who get any mic time?

Ashley: That’s ‘cuz we’re PUNK RAWK!

The concept of the music video appears to be that some time in the near future, lame quasi-indie rock bands will be enslaved and forced to live out their existence on the roofs of buildings at the beck and call of powerful rap producers who don’t feel the need to actually provide any lyrics to their own songs. Then, apparently, the naked bitches band together to kill the girls who can’t dance. And there’s feathers. I swear, that’s actually the gist of the video. Sadly, they missed out on the chance for Shannon Moore to play Jessica Alba.

(ads)

Randy Orton is in the ring.

Randy Orton: Fiends, Rolos, Counting tens, lend me thine fears! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! If you watchered WWZ Jugglement Date last night on paper food, you for surely saw the opponent that was opposing me as my opponent, that being the Heartache Cad Shane McMahon fall over to the point of abolition. It proved only one point from start to start that I’ve been saying and perhaps occasionally spraying since I started in this company in 1987 that I am the Legend Kill Guy, and Legend Kill Guying is my DESTINY~! DESTINY FOR ORTON~! Truly, this is the proof positively that I need and or want to make proof to Venice Kenny McFan, indeed the very Chair Guy of the Broad for Whirl West Wing Eggertainment, that I am not as he calleth me a “locking room camper.” No, I’m no camper at all, I’m a valuable addition to the Monkey Night WAR team! Who, if not me, will bring forth the chinlocks on a regular basis? I’m trudly sorry and quite probably even saddened that it took Shane blowing out his knee and suffering multiple contortions at my own very hands to prove this point. Also I’m sorry I did all this in front of his loverly wife-type, former WOW Nitrus Girl Chae Guerrero, also known by her screen name on Yachoo instant massager Willow. To Willow and Shane McMahon, I can only say, “My apologies on a job well done!”

In case you were wondering, Shawn is fiiiiine.

(ads)

Microsoft Word tried to change “fiiiiiiiiine” to “feminine” which also would have worked.

Bobby Lashley vs. Totally Not Jamal
In Yet Another Gauntlet Match

Anybody remember Santino Marella? No? Just checking. The story of this match is that without Not Important, Not Jamal is a real wild man. You can tell by the fact that he came to the ring with a confetti shooter. Lashley blocks the Thumb to the Eye and playfully tousles Not Jamal’s dreads. That’s his move! Lashley goes up to the top rope to try some of those awesome aerial attacks he’s learned from watching years of Ric Flair tapes, but Not Jamal affectively blocks that by hitting Lashley in the face with a chair. That’s the DQ, but I bet it was totally worth it.

Shane and Vince are driving go-karts around the parking lot. Huh.

(ads)

Bobby Lashley vs. Shane McMahon (w/ Vince McMahon and Totally Not Jamal)
If Lashley Wins He Gets to Fight Vince in the Lamest ECW PPV Main Event EVER
EVER!!!

Shane drives his go kart right down to the ring and launches himself at Lashley. Not entirely clear on the strategy for this round, Not Jamal is running around ringside poking everything that moves right in the eye. Man, WWE’s lucky they don’t have a mascot like TNA or PETA would go nuts. More nuts. Finally, Vince corals Not Jamal and sends him backstage. Hopefully he doesn’t jump his moat again. That’s always a mess. Shane working the Boston Crab and the Camel Clutch which is a total shoutout to Chris Jericho and Sabu. Or Rick Martel and Scott Steiner. Either way, Lashley’s back is even more ruined than mine right now, which is really saying something, but that’s not going to stop him from standing up and sort of jumping at Shane when Shane comes off the top rope. That impact, which I will generously entitle the Getting In The Way of Shane As He’s Falling, is enough for the win. Put it on a T-Shirt! After the Match, Lashley poses with his fan while Vince cries on the entrance ramp. Hey, at least you have more hair than Bobby again!

Next Week: The Build to Three Night Stand continues when Bobby Lashley takes on ECW Mordecai. Also, Rob Van Dam accidentally shows up and is not booked. And John Cena finally finds his way out of the pit to find out that the Planet of the Apes was Earth all along.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
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RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
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RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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