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RAW SATIRE    
A Silly Git 

June 6, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: It was that time of year when we promote the Spirit of ECW by having…Edge wrestle “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in a cage? John Cena defeated The Great Khali by throwing him off a three foot high STEEL CRANE. And Vince McMahon suffered the greatest loss of his career when he dropped a game of Mario Party 8 to Totally Not Jamal before the show. And Not Jamal was playing as Daisy. Humiliating! Who will be humiliated…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

John Cena is out and he has his belt! I wonder what that could possibly mean!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO! Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YOOOOOOO! [deep breath] Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YOOOO! [cough] How big is that stupid ad box again? Ugh. YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO O YO YO YO and YOOOOOOOO!

 
But like I was sayin':

Droppin’ Great Khali,
Like he’s a sack of crap,
John Cena would’ve lost,
If it were a battle rap.

Three Night Stands,
That’s all I’ll ever need,
Defend my Spinnin’ Title,
Like a cheetah on speed.

Excited for the WWE Draft
It’s comin’ up next week,
Could Cena go to Smackdown,
ECW or Internet Heat?

I’m not going anywhere,
Crack open another beer,
RAW is the WWE’s Flagship,
And so…THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince McMahon: Jooohhh…Jooooohhh…June Ceda! I’m Vink…Vinnie..Vincerededakettie-

Cena: Vince, are you drunk?

Vince: My game is Vidop…Dindpent…My mage is Victor-

Cena: Spit it out, dude.

Vince: My name is Vince McMahon. I was the ECW Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.

Vince: If you think Vince McMahon was drunk, give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Crowd: What?

Vince: You’re damn right I was drunk. I had a fuzzy navel (what?), a shot of tequilla (what), a shot of whisky (what?), one long island (what?), two long islands (what?), three long islands (what?), and I chased all that with about thirty beers!

Cena: Vince, I’m not sure what you channeling Steve Austin has to do with anything.

Vince: Are you threatening me? Don’t you know, John Cena? DTA! Don’t Trust Anybody! Tonight, you’re fighting my best friends The Great Khali and Totally Not Jamal in a match! And that’s the Bottom Line, because Sean Cold Said So!

Cena: Dude, what the hell?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: Sorry, man. He offered me, like, fifty bucks to think that match up for him.

Cena: Aww…I can’t be mad at you Val.

Then Vince Stunners Val.

(ads)

Cryme Tyme and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Just Kenny, Johnny Nitro and Melina

KNM doesn’t really have the same kind of ring to it. Cryme Tyme can finally come back now that Vince has stopped looking for them, and they’ve got Boobsie who’s all ghetto’d out for the occasion. Seriously, she’s stereotypically white girl ghetto. She’s just missing the foot long acrylic nails and the ghetto orange lipstick. Oh no I di’int. Is Boobsie ever actually going to fight Melina for the women’s title? Cryme Tyme nails Nitro with Kenny’s Mirror of Singles Push Destruction for the win.

Backstage, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is rubbing her hands all over the Intercontinental Title.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Picky Troubadours Love Chocolate Cakes here and I like to touch shiny things. It feels like some lucky Italian guy is about to get neeped!

Nunzio: Awesome! I can’t wait to tell Tony Mamaluke and Chuckie P and Vito and Johnny The Bull and why do all my friends keep getting fired?

Maria: I wasn’t talking to you, Silly Pants.

Nunzio: Ey!

Vince McMahon: You there! I didn’t know we still had and Intercontinental Champion! What is your name, son?

Santino Marella: My-a name is-a Sant-

Vince: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!

Maria: Yay! Maven!

Vince: Now you listen here, Santa! The Millions-

Maria: And Millions!

Vince: Of Santa’s fans are chanting his name!

Maria: His Name! His name!

Vince: And they want to see Santa kicking somebody’s roody poo CANDY ASS if you SMELLLLLLA-LA-LA what the VINCE, is Cookin’!

Maria: Is it hot dogs?

(ads)

Hey! Look! It’s the Buccaneers! Hold onto your spleens, guys!

Iron Chef Chris Masters vs. Iron Chef Italian Santino Marella
In a Curry Battle for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Well, I’m back in the chair this week, and joining me is my new broadcast colleague…The Great Khali? Crap.

The Great Khali: AGGGHH! ANFH! MONOOOGAH!

Hatori: Uh…heh…Good point. It doesn’t really seem like punishment to book Marella in the same match he’s been winning for the last, like, thirty weeks now. Good…Good one.

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Khali: GAAH FLAEEED!

Maria: Okie dokie! Iron Chef Santa is cooking up some spicy meatballs while Iron Chef Masters is rubbing the curry into his head for some reason.

Hatori: It’s the Noodgen-Caan manuever! We haven’t seen the likes of this in kitchen stadium since Iron Chefs Sakai and Morimoto battled head to head! He’s going to use his head as a brush to lay down a huge amount of curry over a large portion of meat! Brilliant!

Khali: UOORGGY! SLUUDAAAAGH!

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Khali: GAAH FLAEEED!

Maria: I think The Good Kathy is right, Mr. Doctor. I think Iron Chef Chris is just putting the curry on there to expedite his hair growth. Good for him.

Hatori: But what about the battle?! This is his chance to reclaim his Iron Chef Status!

Maria: I don’t think he cares. Sorry.

Hatori: And so Iron Chef Wrestling loses again. Join Us Next Week where hopefully they’ll draft me a partner who speaks English, and we find out-

Khali: OOOM WFFPT RAAAAAGH TUREEEEEEM!

(ads)

Backstage, the Hardyz are hanging out with Cade and Murdoch.

Matt Hardy: So this is weird. Are we…like…best friends now or something?

Trevor Murdoch: No! Because best friends don’t hold out on title shots for each other even though we’ve been trying to turn over a new leaf and get on the right track to success like you pathetic loads did to us last week which is totally why we’re turning on you as soon as the night is over.

Matt: Wait, what?

Lance Cade: I think what Trevor is trying to say is that now that we’ve been tangentially involved in the same angle for a few months now, that we are most definitely “BFFs for Life” no matter how many stupid decisions you guys make about who gets the title shots.

Vince McMahon: What’s up, brothers? Well, you know something, the sweat and blood and tears of thousands of children are running through my veins right now, dudes. And they’re telling me, Vincester, brother, you’ve got to make a match, dude. They’re saying, “Brother, you’ve got to climb high and defeat the adversity that is facing the tag team division today, dude.” And here, laid out before me are two what I might call, Tag Teams, brothers. So tonight, these four dudes are going to climb into that squared circle, brother. And whatchu gonna do, when these fourteen and two thirds inch pythons run wild on YOOOOOU!

Matt: Wait, what?

Vince: Vince McMahon Pastamania is running wild, dude!

Jeff:

Tired
I’m tired
Tired of wresting
On every freaking show.
Is it a delusion
An Imagi-Nation
Yes.
It is…

2Xtreme

Murdoch: Your emoetry always makes me want to cry!

Vince: Well if it isn’t mah mortal enemy! Tha Natcha Boy Ric Flair if you wheeeeeel!

Ric Flair: Look, if you’re going to be Dusty, can you at least be as unintelligible as Dusty?

Vince: Halloodebah opplah yeoreeedpbllluuuu on tha mothaship!

Flair: WOO! VINCE! VINCE! Vince By GOD McMahon! I’m gonna take your old lady for a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOOO!

Vince: Glledooreptoonubbinubbi common man!

Flair: Fire me?! I’m already fired! Fire me?! I’m already fired!!

Torrie Wilson: Hey, Vince! Remember that other time you went crazy and tried to have sex with me because Trish Stratus broke your heart?

Vince: Kinda…sigh….

Flair: KAYFABE! KAYFABE!

Vince: I’m just not cut out for this whole gimmick swapping thing, I guess. Sniff.

Randy Orton: Hello gents and gentry! What sweems to be the corpse for this evening dipper?

Flair: Ranky Q. Morgan! Are you here to challenge this old legend to a match?!

Orton: In soothe, my old mentos, Nature Sigh Ricky Fair, I only came to this place where we are now all placing ourselves to find out the plots and plotulations for the post lunchables portition of our meals. Legend Kill Guy as I might be, I’ve ex-Englished enough lemons for the week after started what I finished with Rod Van Drum at Easy W’s One More Night.

Flair: I accept! WOO!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

Flair refrains from flopping to start, but does beg off when Orton steps onto the ramp. For his part, Randy has been looking a little out of sorts lately. I don’t know if it’s the new “Concussion Causer” Randy Orton persona, or maybe he is really trying to become a better man. Or maybe they upped his vicodin dosage. I don’t know. Orton takes so long posing that Flair decides to punch WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance in the balls. Well, he was kind of asking for it. While the referee recovers and Orton devises his master plan for this match that surely includes no fewer than ten (10) CHINLOCKS~!, let’s take a break.

(ads)

I can’t be the only one that isn’t really down for an energy drink that’s main advertising focus is that it’s fueled by an old sweat sock that’s stuffed near Mick Foley’s crotch, right? I mean, if you want to call your knockoff YJStinger drink “RAW,” whatever, but aren’t there better WWE related things you could’ve flavored your drinks? Boogeyman’s Worm Spit Cola? Val Venis’ Foamy Spew? Mark Henry’s Stank Juice? Anything but Foley Crotch Water I guess, is what I’m asking. You’re not missing much, by the way. Orton still has his CHINLOCK~! synched in. Flair Flops and ORTON WINS!! Randy kicks Ric in the head for good measure, but he probably knows that Flair’s been kicked in the head so many times there’s nothing left to concuss, so he just kind of leaves.

(ads)

I’m about thiiis close to calling WWE about my idea for Val Venis’ Foamy Spew, by the way. Just FYI.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Torrie Wilson

Did somebody say WORKRATE~!? Doesn’t it feel like Torrie has been around for about thirty years now? Here’s a play by play of the entire match: Torrie begs off. Carlito eats an apple pensively. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan fills out a loan application. Torrie invites Carlito over for Thanksgiving Dinner. Carlito flips her over and knees her in the spine. Damned if that isn’t how just about every date has gone for me for the past four years. With Jack Doan there and everything. On the plus side, I’ve only been arrested 6 times!

The Hardyz are backstage baking a pie.

(ads)

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs. The Hardy Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

In a nice show of sportsmanship, Cade and Murdoch allow the Hardyz to finish baking before starting the match. If I were Jeff, I would’ve baked it in the volcano. Lawler and Ross spend about ten minutes hilariously arguing about what would happen if the Hardyz were drafted to separate shows. Um…Guys? We’re living it. I mean…I guess it’s kind of a more interesting topic than, “What would happen if the Hardyz were drafted to the same show?” Anyway, apparently Jeff Hardy was severely injured when Shelton Benjamin was blowing spots left and right last night, so keep an eye on that.

(ads)

Oooh, man! What would happen if Cryme Tyme was drafted to separate shows?! Why doesn’t anyone ever think of that? Or Boogeyman and Little Boogeyman? Actually, I’m going to go start an online petition to get Little Boogeyman to replace Matt Striker in the ECW Originals. Monty Brown can throw him off his shoulders during the Pounce. Jeff winds up kind of by the ropes, and when he does, Trevor Murdoch steals his pie. Jeff is so sad that he gets pinned by Cade. New Tag Champs!! After the match, Matt confronts his pals about the pie thievery, but they kick him in the balls and run off. Where are they off to in such a hurry? Are they missing some French Open coverage or something?

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Coach, I’m a failure. Ratings are down, buyrates are down, I grew all my hair back too quickly, now that my run as the cool guy ECW champion is over I’ve got no cool gimmick to do anymore, and don’t get me started on how badly my personal gimmick battle royal went tonight.

Jonathan Coachman: I’m digging the Doink suit, though.

Vince: But there’s something more, Coach. Something ominous. Like a black fly in my chardonnay. Or a death row pardon two minutes too late.

Coach: Isn’t that ironic?

Vince: No, I don’t think so. Like…what if Mark Henry gets drafted to RAW? Or Chris Benoit.

Coach: Vince, that’s crazy talk! Don’t…Don’t even think things like that! It’ll all be ok. Now, if you were picking on all the champions tonight, why didn’t you pick on the Women’s Champion? Melina?

Vince: We have a Women’s Champion?

(ads)

Coach is on the ramp.

Jonathan Coachman: It is my pleasure to announce that next week’s Draft Night will also be Mr. McMahon appreciation night. Remember to bring a salad or something. Please, no Jello.

Awesome!! Does that mean Raven is going to sing him a song?

Backstage, The Great Khali is walking with a purpose. Into a wall. Multiple times. We’ll get that sorted out here in a second.

(ads)

The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Totally Not Jamal vs. John Cena
For the WWE Women’s Title

Awesome interaction with the two heels to start where Not Jamal is all, “I’m Not Jamal! ARR!” and Khali is all, “Ooooookay.” These two should take this act on the road. They’re the Odd Couple for the 21st Century. Without his own personal Indian Eric Bischoff, Not Important, to guide him, Not Jamal is just kind of running around ringside throwing things. Finally he picks up WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiiike Chioda and chucks him at Great Khali, who doesn’t take that well. I think. His expression kind of doesn’t change. He’s no Tony Randall. He does throw a nice spin kick though, so he’s kind of like our generation’s Rob Van Dam. Anyway, Not Jamal and Khali argue for a bit about which one of them is the true Jungle Monster on RAW and which one is totally getting drafted to being fired in a few weeks, when suddenly, John Cena remembers he’s in this match and he lifts them both up with one hand and FUs them through the ring. Cena wins. After the match Not Jamal and Khali argue about whether or not Not Jamal has to do the dishes every Thursday, while John Cena reminds us where the Champ is.

Next Week: It’s Draft Week! What first round talent will fall to the second round? And what brand will wind up with Brady Quinn? Plus, Shelton Benjamin is the first wrestler forced to be seen drinking the RAW drink on air, and as reward for his efforts, he’s drafted to ECW! Plus, the biggest brand switch off in wrestling history, when somehow, Todd Grisham is traded to Smackdown for Chris Benoit, Dave Taylor, and a muppet version of Finlay.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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