Powered by LiquidWeb NEW SEARCH FEATURE! IT WORKS!
Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
RAW SATIRE    
Three Hours and A Suspicious Dearth of Kane 

June 12, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Vince McMahon caught the cancer. Maybe. John Cena beat two of the greatest promo artists of our time. And Melina somehow avoided even bothering with the Vince Hates Champion storyline. So maybe she’ll escape bothering with anything…TONIGHT!!
 
Backstage….

Teddy Long: Hollah Hollah! I can’t wait for tonight, you feel me? Smackdown is going to get some hot superstars!

Jonathan Coachman: Dude, what are you smoking? Smackdown isn’t getting jack. Or any wrestlers named Jack. You’ll be lucky if you get…Robbie McAllister or something. RAW is getting all the top

superstars because that’s how we roll.

Long: Buhleedat.

Coach: What’s the deal with Smackdown anyway? Is friggin’ Vickie Guerrero running that place now?

Long: Oh, playa. It’s a long sad story.

Tommy Dreamer: What’s going on, guys?! ECDUB! ECDUB! ECDUB!

Coach: Tommy Dreamer?! What are you doing here?

Dreamer: I’m here to draft for ECW!

Coach: Er…The drafts are all random. We don’t need a representative. We’re just hanging out. Who is the GM over there anyway?

Tough Enough Jessie: I AM! Why doesn’t anybody ever remember that?! Vince put me in charge of ECW three months ago! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rob Conway: Is this where we go to sign up for the draft?

Long: Rob, didn’t you get fired?

Conway: Did I? Oh, man! I just thought I was waiting to get redrafted!

Coach: If it’s any consolation, I would vote for you to get drafted to Internet Heat.

TE Jessie: Me too! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Dreamer: ECDub! ECDub!

(Opening Credits)

Backstage, Vince is reading a memo.

Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen, greetings and welcome to Monday Night RAW. You may have noticed that lately, I’ve been acting a little odd…er than usual. More odder. This, quite frankly, is a result of my character having nothing else to friggin’ do, as you will learn throughout the night. With that in mind, I’ve got to figure some way to write myself out, and damned if my going absolutely nuts isn’t pretty much the only thing I can think of. Expect to see a few more months of vignettes where I appear in a mental hospital, followed by my triumphant return with Hugh Morris’ crazy father in tow. Truly this is the most original idea I’ve had in years. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show. IF YOU DARE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Heh. No seriously. I’m really sorry, guys. Oh, and my family is banned from the building just in case they get any funny ideas about stealing my fruit tray. I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Edge vs. John Cena
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

Don’t pick Greg Oden! He’s slow and lazy. Wait, the drafts are completely random? That’s weird. I hope somebody ends up with Funaki. No. Really. Anyway, Edge and Cena trade punches for a while, before mutually deciding that they don’t really give a rats ass who winds up on their show. That’s the spirit! You’ll probably wind up with someone lame anyway. So they bail to the outside. Does that mean ECW gets the pick? I guess we’ll never know, because it’s all a clever ruse by Edge. He runs back into the ring while Cena gets counted out. I think he’s just doing that in case Smackdown can draft Maria or something. Lonely is the man that hasn’t neeped in almost a year.

And Let’s GO TO THE BOARD!!!!

Wait…WHAT?!!

Ok, this is about the most awesome thing ever. The WWE Draft Board is like…the Smackdown vs. RAW video game selection screen with little boops every time it hits a wrestler. So let’s hit it!

Edge: No Whammies! No Whammies! And STOP! The Great Khali?! Oh BOOOO!

So The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff come out onto the ramp.

The Great Khali: RESSHFEESTERREK!

Indian Eric Bischoff: I don’t get it. Didn’t you just leave Smackdown? So you could go to ECW?

Khali: RREEEH…UH…MOOPHL.

Indian Eric: And then you quit ECW, like, a week later to come to RAW.

Khali: …GOMP….

Indian Eric: And now you’re back on Smackdown. What did the last year of your existence solve?

Khali: WOOOPHL! GOO NAX!

Indian Eric: The meaning of life, huh?

(ads)

I bet Not Jamal is PISSED his only friend is gone. Hey! Look! Jesse Ventura!

Jesse Ventura: Vince! Are you hard up enough to offer me a job again yet? I totally forgot to run for president a couple years ago, and now I’ve got nothing to do. Unless I can offer you one of these fine leather jackets! Do you suppose I could eBay those? Anybody want to buy some of the “Body”’s nose hair? Look it up! I’m gonna have them put up a link in the Shopzone! Seriously. Anybody? I do kids parties!

Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: Hi, everybody. Coach here. I just wanted to tell you all that at Vengeance, every champion will have to defend his title. But…Uh…you already knew that. Hey, look, we’ve got three hours to fill, folks. Three! Oh. And John Cena will beat four other men. Because he’s street. For reals. THREE HOURS!

Backstage, Carlito and CM Punk are arguing about whether or not spitting apple in the faces of people who don’t want to be cool is Straight Edge or not.

(ads)

CM Punk vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

I love that Cole and JBL have to try to sell Khali coming as a huge deal. As I remember it, the only highlight of his run on Smackdown was his liver exploding. ELEVATED ENZYMES AREN’T STRAIGHT EDGE~! And I guess the guys from Jackass are going to be on Summerslam? Maybe Steve-O can no sell the Thumb to the Eye again! Carlito nails the Back Cracker on Punk, but Punk rolls to the outside. What exactly is these guys’ motivation again? “More guys wasting roster spots on my show? Brilliant!” If I’m Carlito, I’m tanking this match because there’s no way he’ll get to stab John Cena with Tommy Dreamer on the roster. Punk with his finisher the “I Drop You On My Knee” for the win. Let’s go to the big board!

CM Punk: Big Bucks! Come on! No Whammies! No Whammies! And STOP!

On a Whammy!

Whammy: I cannot tell a lie! Your brand sucks!

Punk: Awww….

Probably not in Europe….

Snoop Dog: Yo yo yo, it’s the Snizzoop izzle to the D-O-Double-Gizzle. Vince McMahon, you be cracklin’. Speakin’ of crackas, what’s up with that whitey, John Cena? He’s no OG. Word for rizzle. No wizzle I can only watch this whack ass show when I’m high.

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, it’s like you live inside my brain!

Snoop: Don’t you have a…um…concussizzle. That one sucked.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

(ads)

Remember when Vince made Trish bark like a dog? ME TOO! We must be SOUL MATES!! 4 LIFE! Wait. Never mind. I’m distracted by Mick Foley.

Mick Foley: Hey! I’m a former WWE Champion who is obsessed by being beaten by John Cena! I can’t wait to waste one of my remaining matches trying to be the one to job to him! Oh, and as for Vince McMahon appreciation night…I appreciate the fact that Vince McMahon takes the time out of his busy schedule once a year, every year, to come out to lunch with me so we can laugh about how much money we bilked out of WCW for essentially doing absolutely nothing. Heh. Heh…I guess you had to be there. Anyway, good night everybody!

Man…these promo guys are bringing their A-Games tonight. If they keep this up, we’ll bump them up to AA Fairbanks in no time!

(ads)

Balls Mahoney vs. Totally Not Jamal
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

At this point, Joey Styles proclaims the entire booking process random, which of course explains the champion vs. champion match at the start of the show. Or it might have been a subtle dig at whoever the hell is writing this show now. Balls and Not Jamal swap hair care tips to start. I’m a little disappointed that Not Jamal seems to understand what’s going on here. Wasn’t it just, like, two weeks ago that he needed Not Important to tie his braids for him? Anyway, Balls is pretty much out of it before the three minute mark, so Not Jamal puts him out of his misery with a Thumb to the Eye.

Totally Not Jamal: GOMPH UUUBLI! GOMPH UUUBLI! NAAA LLLOODO!!!

And it landed on…King Booker. Booker takes the stage with Queen Sharmel. Um…didn’t they break up on Smackdown right after Wrestlemania because Booker was so lame that he couldn’t beat Matt Hardy? Maybe they went to Royal Couples therapy. They’re just doing it for the publicity like Charles and Di.

(ads)

Oh boy! Steve-O from Jackass has something to say.

Steve-O: I heard it’s Vince McMahon appreciation night! SO who wants to see me staple my elbow to my navel?! HUH?! Isn’t that craaaaaaazy? Who wants to see that? Huh? Who wants to see some ol’ elbownavel? Who here wants to see that? Yeah. Um…Ok. I’ll just sit down then. Woo.

Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Benoit
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

Poor Benoit. Bradshaw with the line of the night: “What happens if Matt Hardy gets drafted to RAW and the Hardy Boyz get back together?” I knew there was a reason I liked that guy. I kind of do miss his cow horns limo though. Maybe that can get drafted to ECW. That’d be cool. Like…A prop draft. Like, Tommy Dreamer’s handkerchief is drafted over to RAW, so Jeff Hardy has to have two in his pocket which totally throws off his sense of balance. At one point, Lashley counters the Crippler Crossface by “being the fastest rising star in Sports Entertainment today.” Lashley wins with a power slam. Eat it, Benoit!

Lashley: All right! Cool! Draft pick for ECW! No Whammies! No Whammies! Come on Great Khali! And STOP!

A Personal Cleaning Robot!

Lashley: Oh cool! Nobody ever won that on Press Your Luck! We totally need one of those in ECW too! I can’t wait!

Chris Benoit: Actually, it’s just me.

Lashley: You’re the personal cleaning robot?!

Benoit: It’s…kind of my new gimmick. Sigh. I’ll go backstage and start sweeping up after Sandman.

Lashley: Cool…do…do you want some help or something?

Benoit: Nah. I’ve got it. They don’t call me the Rabid Personal Cleaning Robot for nothing.

And now for something completely different.

Donald Trump: Vince! What are you doing? I thought you weren’t supposed to grow you hair back! Why’d I even bother coming on your show if that’s the thanks I get? And you managed to get The Apprentice cancelled too. Way to go, Vince. Maybe you can set up a match between Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Rosie. And my daughter and her uyhge gozangas can referee. And I can come back and manage my guy Ronnie Buckley. Come on, Vince. I need the money more than Ventura right now.

(ads)

Totally not in the arena is Ashley Massaro who, in case you weren’t paying attention, was thrown out of Smackdown for rolling around in her own filth and getting mud on Vince’s coat.

Ashley Massaro: Hi guys! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there tonight, but I had a full schedule of getting all my lip piercing sharpened for my jousting competition tomorrow. Plus, you never can tell what brands Vince’s crazy rulings actually affect. So I decided to stay here at home with my twenty thousand dollar cameras and send Vince my warmest regards. Now, here to perform their new hit Broadway play Dogs, here are Mae Young and The Fabolous Moolah!

Moolah and Mae crawl out and fight over a bone. Then Mae drinks water out of a dog dish.

Fabulous Moolah: Mae, don’t you find this the least bit degrading? Even more than when Trish did it?

Mae: Sister, I’m 80. I’m just glad I’m not sitting in a home watching Matlock and gumming on some prunes.

Moolah: I hear that! Woof Woof!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes WWE the classiest programming on TV.

Backstage, Santino Marella and MVP have become some sort of two headed monster. Best. Buddy Cop Show. Ever.

(ads)

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka and The Iron Sheik are hanging out.

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka: Vinkminkman! Broddah! Repredoo I givin’ you the appetriedishin. Broddah! Vink you and your dag are my beftrends in the goal wide whorl. Broddah!

Iron Sheik: Kenerly, McDad! You me play racquetball on court for many hour! We win the state championship to which date many cheer leaders! We show Donald Trump who boss will to be! THEN I POKE YOU IN THE EYE! I HEEL ON YOU! NO ONE TO STOP THE IRON SHEIK! Kenerly McDad? Hock ptooie!

Randy Orton: Gentile men, I must make admittance, this was being the finerest promo cuffing I have ever been hearing in my career as the Legend Kill Guy.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Santino Marella
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

Each brands’ secondary champions fighting? Completely random. Marella, of course, is from New Jersey now, and is probably the only thing halfway decent to come out of New Jersey since…um…Actually, even he isn’t that good. Keep trying, New Jersey. The story of the match is MVP is totally awesome and “Ballin’” and Marella has got a LOT OF HEART~! Unfortunately for him, heart doesn’t win you matches. Well…unless you’re Shawn Michaels. Or a member of the Hart family. Or…managed by Jimmy Hart. Wait, what was I saying again? Oh, right. MVP wins. Match of the year.

Montel Vontavious Porter: Don’t worry, Teddy. I watched this Game Show Network show about how to cheat at this game. No Whammies annnnnd…STOP!

Ooooh, Torrie Wilson! This is like when you’re playing a WWE video game, and you let the computer pick your guy at random, and you wind up with Lance Cade. Smackdown is a sad state of affairs right now. Regardless, the Smackdown people seem to love it, so whatever.

MVP: See? I told you!! What will draw people to watch Smackdown? Boobs. Yeah! BALLIN’!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I’ll tell you what. We lose Benoit but get Torrie? Hell…That’s pretty much an upgrade in every way possible. She’s going to be a contender in the cruiserweight division in no time.

Michael Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz…At ringside.

Tazz: Brotha, you’re with JBL now. Leave me out of this.

Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz…At ringside.

(ads)

Bret Hart is randomly slumming it in some gym.

Bret Hart: Vince McMahon appreciation night?! WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?! He screwed me in Montreal. Oh, you think I forgave him? I totally didn’t. Him and Shawn Michaels. Yeah! Karma’s a bitch. Remember that when you’re counting your money and I’m sitting here in this dirty old gym. Yeah. Bret Hart is on top of the world once again. You Screwed Bret! You Screwed Bret!

The Miz vs. Abe Orton
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

I’d say that Miz is the Abe Orton here. Am I right? Am I right? Eh? Ugh…THREE HOURS~! I love Abe’s new teeth though. Can he do the British accent too? I really do miss his beard. That was off the charts. Speaking of things that are off the charts, Miz gets kicked in the head and that’s enough for Abe to get the pin. All right ECW! I hope you get Hogwarts the midget! That’ll show those other brands who’s boss. But Abe won’t stop beating up Miz after the match, so WWE Smackdown Referee Mickie James tosses the match out. Oh, he’s so biased. Just because Smackdown lost doesn’t give you the right to throw the match out! Besides, it’s not like you could resist beating up Miz. So who gets the next pick? OH! SHOCKING SWERVE~! It’s Internet Heat!

Sean Cold Val Venis: Come on Stevie Richards! Come on Stevie Richards! Big Money! No Whammies and STOP!

$1,000 and a Spin!

Sean Cold: Yes! Big Bucks! No Whammies! Stevie Richards! And STOP!

A trip to Maui!

Sean Cold: WOOOO!

In a completely unrelated matter, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters has been demoted to Smackdown.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Finally! I quit!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-son!

Hatori: Nope. No way. I’m out of this hot dog stand. Smell you all later.

Kenji Fukui: I believe she was talking to me. Go ahead!

Hatori: Wai-

Maria: Unfortunately, do to a rash of rashes, I’m going to have to quit my post as the person who calls you Fudgecookie-son. Here to take my place is some guy I’ve never heard of.

Hatori: Thi-

Shichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: I cannot wait for next week’s Kitchen Stadium Battle! It’ll be the Iron Chef taking on Finlay in a stuffed cabbage contest for the ages!

Hatori: Guys! I missed you! I can’t wait to get this show back on the road!

Fukui: Ohhhh, yeah. Too bad you quit then, huh? We already picked out a replacement.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Here he is now!

The Great Khali: AAAGH! NOOORTP!

Fukui: Hahahahaha! You said it! Waaaay better than Hatori. Join us on Smackdown when we find out WHO WILL REIGHT SUPREME!

Hatori: But…this is all wrong! This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen! Where have you been?!

Fukui: Having sex with your mother.

Elsewhere, Bobby Heenan is eating a ham sandwich. This stunning commentary on Vince McMahon’s career has been brought to you by the American Society for Ham Consumption. Ham: The Other Pink Meat.

(ads)

It’s time for Piper’s Pit!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Vince McMahon appreciation night? Huh? What about Rowdy Roddy Piper appreciation night? I beat cancer dammit! Vince…he hasn’t even beaten fake cancer yet. And yet, which one of us is almost bald? Vince! I know what you have! You’ve got the Sickness. Everybody here in the arena, you’ve all got the sickness, man let me tell you, the Sickness is something that’s devastating this industry and it’s about time we do something about it because otherwise it’s going t-

And here’s a video package of Vince peeing his pants and showing Stephanie pictures of himself naked on his cellphone.

(ads)

Hey! Mark Cuban!

Mark Cuban: Vince McMahon! I know who that is! Hey, buddy, my basketball team kind of crapped out in the playoffs again. Any advice for a guy looking to open his own football league?

Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Kristal Marshall
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

Because when you want people representing your brand…Though it would’ve been funny if the random match generator spat out Kelly Kelly vs. Randy Orton or something. That would be a hell of a match, actually. Kelly could totally carry Randy. The story of the match is Jerry Lawler being hilariously indignant about Teddy Long getting with Kristal. And Boobsie trying to choke her to death. I think Boobsie is trying to make a play at being the blackest woman on this show. Boobsie wins. Draft pick for RAW! Go for Shannon Moore!

Boobsie McTitsalot: Big Boobs! No Money! Big Boobs and STOP!

It’s Lashley!

Boobsie: Aww…Now I’ll never be the blackest girl on RAW.

Bobby Lashley: Uh…I’m a dude. I’m pretty sure you’re safe.

Boobsie: Yay!

Jonathan Coachman: Since you’ve been drafted to RAW, Vince says you have to give up the ECW Title. It will be awarded to the guy who best represents the ECW spirit….

Tommy Dreamer: Truly, I can say that this is the greatest day of-

Coach: The Whammy.

The Whammy: Going Down?!

The Whammy Blows up a pile of dynamite around Dreamer.

Lashley: Finally, I can stop worrying about that crappy ass title. Good luck, little guy.

Elsewhere, Bob Costas brings some class to the show.

Bob Costas: Vince, I am contractually obligated by NBC to appear on this program. With that in mind, I just wanted to say that I always wanted to work for WWE, because there’s nothing I like better than watching a bunch of hot oily men roll around together. I don’t know, maybe I can be TNA’s new mascot or something. Laters.

(ads)

Meanwhile….

Raven: Did you ever knooooooow that you’re my heeeeeeeroooooo?! And everything I would like to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!

Jeff Hardy vs. Elijah Burke vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
Winner’s Brand Gets a Draft Pick

Am I the only one who is surprised it took this long for them to do a triple threat match? This actually does feel a little more random than the other ones at least. Jeff flips around for a while and Burke and Dave pass the time talking about their shared love for Oregon Trail. Unfortunately for Elijah, however, Dave gets all worked up about how he know he could carry the whole buffalo back to the wagon, and he tosses Elijah into the upper deck to prove his point. At around this time, Jeff notices that the rest of the match is happening and goes up to the top of the arena to try to Swanton Burke. They both get counted out.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want the WHAMMY! I want the WHAMMY!

It’s Ric Flair!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: It is my best FRIEND!

Ric Flair: Woo! I don’t know who you are, but I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Batista: You are my best FRIEND! We were in EVOLUTION! You taught me about LIFE!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Batista: I’m not the champ. :(

Flair: AH!

Somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom….

Captain Lou Albano: Remember me? I was Mario! And in the Cyndi Lauper video. Now I’m hanging out here at the retirement home. I’m often imitated, never duplicated, I’m the king of the rubber band and the man with the iron hand. And a bunch of other stuff that rhymes. Why the hell are you asking me about Vince McMahon? I haven’t been relevant to your industry for a decade and a half. Get off my lawn. But first, might I urge you to buy Season One of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show? Take one step, and then again, come on it’s time to go! Do the Mario!

(ads)

Dusty Rhodes has hit the stage.

Dusty Rhodes: I just want to be real with ya’lls for a minute. I hate Vince McMahon. But I love his money. Habuleeebadeebdoo wowowoozlewuzzle on tha mothaship, if you wheeeeeeeel!

(ads)

That was informative. Meanwhile, Gene Oakerlund is standing by with The Ultimate Warrior.

Mean Gene Oakerlund: Mean Gene Oakerlund here, and I’m standing by with The Ultimate Warrior. Warrior, what does Vince McMahon mean to you?

The Ultimate Warrior: Gene one, the superdumptious nature of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, or as I call him, the Triumptuolous Satan, is the bane of the existence of the Warrior who is Ultimate. For I, as the Warrior, lead a nation of Warriors to the promised land of divination where there is milk and there is honey and there are no men who enjoy the mogludinity of the company of other men. Though women may commune with one other because that’s hot. And here, as I look down on the earth from the perch afforded to me as a Warrior who is ultimate as only ultimate warriors can, I see that McMahon has brought ruination and destrucity onto the land! SNARL!

Gene: I was right there with you up until the part about super dumps.

Matt Hardy, William Regal, Chavo Guerrero, Mark Henry, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Some Kind of Gander, Matt Striker, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Kevin Thorn, Marcus Cor Von, The Zombie, Johnny Nitro, Just Kenny, Eugene, Viscera, Randy Orton and A Duck
Winner’s Brand Gets Two Draft Picks

Oh, man! It’s the “Who’ve we Got Left” portion of the show. Internet Heat is sorely underrepresented in this match. Go Viscera! Do it for your show! The prematch graphic promised me Ric Flair, but delivered Matt Hardy. Maybe Flair is getting reacquainted with Dave or something. I’m guessing Dave convinced Ric to get on a wagon and drive with him to Oregon. I hope their axels don’t break. Maybe they can hire Tatanka to help them ford the river. Or fjord the river. Mark Henry and Viscera have the most boring Fat Guy Off ever, before Mark just kind of flips him over. Somebody Gon’ Get Their Ass Kicked! Somebody Gon’ Get Their Wig Split!

(ads)

I love how nobody has any clue of the rules. J.R. is all “it’s Every Man for Himself!!!“ But…um…Aren’t you trying to win for your brand? What benefit does the winner get? Like…a trophy or something? Or a pizza? Thank God for JBL who actually starts crying when Mark Henry beats up Chavo. Monty Brown gets dumped as we come back, so that’s it for ECW. Or maybe he was there representing TNA. How much do you think they wish they could draft Rene Dupree right now? He’s King of Le Mountain. Tazz and Styles are indignant that they have to sit there and whine for the whole rest of the battle royal. Finally, the chaff clears out and it leaves…Matt Hardy and Randy Orton? Really?! Which brand is Matt representing? Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was ECW? Anyway, Orton tells Matt that he’s been sleeping with Ashley, and Matt starts bawling and falls over the top. ORTON WINS~!

Randy Orton: Nine Mommies! Nine Mommies! And Pop!

Abe Orton!

Abe Orton: ‘Ello, cousin Randall! Thank you for choosing me!

Randy Orton: Couchin’ Age! I was aimering for to get Leyla El Leyla, but I’ll taker thou also too. You really need to see a dentalist.

Abe: Right right!

Orton: I thunk I should pass my regaining spits.

Abe: I don’t think you can.

Orton: OJ, then! No gummies! No gummies! Dig Chucks! And DROP!

Mr. Kennedy!

Ken Kennedy: Finally! I get off that lame ass show! Now I’ll be a superstar for sure!

Orton: Had fun jobbering to the licks of me, Triopoly H and Shane McMahon, Minister Kenny.

Kennedy: Kenny!

Backstage, Vince McMahon is eating an entire loaf of cinnamon raisin bread.

(ads)

On the set of his next movie Mr. Austin Goes to Washington, Steve Austin is sitting.

Steve Austin: I’d like to say that I really appreciate everything Vince McMahon has done for me. Like letting me star in a movie (What?) which bombed (What?) because it was a WWE Film (What?) and it ruined my film career (What?) even though I didn’t have one (What?) and now I feel like drinking (What?) and crying (What?). Man, I hate Vince McMahon. And that’s the Bottom Line! Because STONE COLD SAID SO! Now if you think Ol’ Stone Cold’s next movie is going to be a blockbuster success, give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Crowd: ….

Austin: Heh. Me neither.

Crowd: What?

At this, Vince McMahon walks down to the ring and slices the remainder of his cinnamon raisin bread. He slowly takes each slice and cuts it in half. He then spreads butter on each half, places it in the microwave under Tazz’ half of the ECW desk, and then takes it out and eats it. After twelve pieces, the bread is finished, so Vince heads backstage.

Backstage, all the wrestlers who didn’t bother appearing on the program tonight are lining the halls, providing Mr. McMahon with a walk of shame. Victoria is there and Paul London. Nunzio and Jimmy Wang Yang. Umm…Alexis Laree and A Muppet that Looks Like Finlay. Also, Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson for some reason. And Hacksaw Jim Duggan, but I think he might be lost. Anyway, it’s like, 90% of the roster. And they’re all there. And Vince is walking out the door.

Jonathan Coachman: Don’t go getting killed now! Heh…heh…What?

Vince walks outside, where TL Hopper and Duke “The Dumpster” Droese are hanging out and trying to look inconspicuous. Also, Friar Ferguson is there, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a coincidence. Vince climbs into his limo, which is already running, which seems like a big waste of gas, but whatever. I guess when you fire Scotty 2 Hotty you free up some extra gas money. Kane comes running out. His arms raised high about his head holding balloons and a teddy for his favorite boss.

Kane: Sorry I’m late! Sorry! I just wanted to tell you how much it means for me to be working here, Vince. I haven’t always gotten all the best angles, but I love my job!

But Kane sees that Vince is in no mood to party. Embarrassed, Kane throws his hands down to hide his shameful presents, and the car erupts in flames.

Kane: Wooo…heh…yeah…Oops.

Kane kicks some dirt at the car and then strolls off into the night.

Next Week: Who killed Vince McMahon?! The Hardy Boyz are on the case along with their new valet Nancy Drew (in theatres everywhere!). Another former WWE Champion joins the hunt of John Cena, unfortunately it’s just Sid. And the results of the supplemental draft REVEALED?! Who ended up with Rory McAllister?! You’ll have to tune in to find out!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get into my car.

BOOOOOOM!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.