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RAW SATIRE    
The Title Picture Gets Super Crazy Go Nuts 

July 5, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Let’s make wrestling fun again, shall we?

Two Weeks Ago: King Bookah and his crown were drafted to RAW thanks to a little something we like to call the “Whammy Principle.” John Cena retained his WWE Title over fifty former WWE Champions…and Bobby Lashley for some reason.
  

(Opening Credits)

Well, look who it is! Monday Night RAW’s newest main eventer Mr. Kennedy! Please, Mr. Kennedy, inform us as to what we should expect now that you’re on RAW!

Ken Kennedy: Ladies and gentlemen, it is I! Mistaaaaaaaaaah Kennedy (Kennedy!), and I'm here to tell you what you all expect from me by

now that I’m on RAW. Because, you see, I have to admit, ever since jobbing to Matt Hardy last year, I haven’t really done anything of note, other than winning and then subsequently losing the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania. But now that I’m here on the A-Show, RAW, you can expect all that to change. And quickly, too, because even I know that as soon as Hunter comes back, I’m screwed. It’s time to build my WWE legacy in two to three weeks! Or my name isn’t Miiiii-

Uh-oh! Better shut your mouth, Mr. Kennedy, or else you’re going to get a face full of APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! YO!

Kennedy: John, Ce-

Cena: YOOOOOOOO!

Cena still the champ,
I beat four other guys,
They couldn’t even see me,
Foley should lay off the fries.

Hey, Booker and Orton,
Are both chumps to the last,
Don’t get me started on Lashley,
Like Brock, if he was black!

Now I’ve got Mr. Kennedy,
Challlenge for my belt,
Wants to make himself a name,
Before Triple H is felt.

I’ve got a name for you Ken,
One you probably won’t enjoy,
Why don’t we gaze into the future,
And call you Mister Unemployed!

A guy who rambles incoherently,
And always winds up being hurt,
Why, a little more bald and strung out,
And we could call you Kurt!

Don’t be worried about Hunter, Ken,
He’s not the threat to your career.
You’re still just Mister Kennedy,
And, well…THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Kennedy: See, that promo sucked. This is why I should be the world champion. Who the hell else does this brand have to drop the strap to Hunter?

Cena: My Cena senses are telling me that we’re about to find out!

Kennedy: Your-

King Booker: It is I! King BOOKAH!

Cena: Oh, snap! Booker T! I loved Harlem Heat!

Kennedy: I always thought Stevie Ray was underrated as an announcer.

Booker: Shut up! I am trying to appeal to my royal subjects as to why I, King Bookah, should be named the #1 Contender for the WWE Title.

Cena: Wait, didn’t you and Queen Sharmell break up?

Kennedy: Yeah! Because you lost a feud to Matt Hardy! Losing to Matt Hardy?! I mean…Man…Come on…What?

Booker: I don’t actually think I should be WWE Champion, I just wanted everybody to check out my posh new royal robery. NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT…SU-

Randy Orton: Non Tela! Master Kenny! Kid Broker! I must make admittance, I was standing back behind the curtain, mining my own bisquick, when I was making hearance of you all saying why you dish serve to be the WWZ Chimpion at the Grey’s Anatomy Blast! In sooth, I could not sand it for much longerer. So I, in my great wig dome, came upon the decision to end all other decisions that had already been ended! That being that I will throw my hyperliteral hat into this very ring, to get my own shot at the man who would be champagne for Triple H to make losenst to.

Booker: Huh?

Kennedy: Cena! You hang around this guy every week! What the hell did he just say?

Cena: I must make admittance, I haver no clue what Ranky is trying to co-pay with his state mint.

Bobby Lashely: Gentlemen. Gentlemen. May I have your attention. It has come to my attention that we are choosing WWE title contenders for the next Pay Per View Event, tentatively called “WWE RAW ECW and Smackdown present WWE Great American Bash.” As the former ECW champion, who was once stripped of the ECW title by Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon, it is my understanding that I never officially lost this title, especially after Mr. McMahon died in an explosion and rose three weeks later. If this is the case, then I believe I am owed a World Title Shot to make up for the lost championship opportunity as a result of my improperly removed title. Please include me in any and all discussion as it pertains to this matter.

Kennedy: Now that is a promo.

Booker: I can’t believe I won a feud against this guy!

Orton: Indeed, Buggy Lamprey is the grapest promo cut guy in the history of our grape sport!

William Regal: Hello chaps, as Jonathan Coachman is struggling to figure out whether or not he is still Chairman of WWE, he is off tonight. By virtue of having the nicest suit backstage, I was made general manager. As for the number one contendership business, there’s only one way to resolve this.

Kennedy: Four way dance?

Booker: Draw straws?

Lashley: Computational calculations as to who will score the highest buy rate?

Orton: Breath holding contest?

Regal: There are only five ways to resolve this!

Cena: Hungry Hungry Hippos!!

Regal: Six ways! But the one I shall press on with is a beat the clock series. Who ever can win their match in the quickest amount of time will get the title shot at the Great American Bash. Young Randall? You, my boy, are first.

Orton: *gasp* I…whew…I couldn’t do it guys. *gasp* good…good luck!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
Beat the Clock Match

Randy mentions to WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton that he didn’t even know Hardy was a clock. Hillariously, Orton proceeds to cinch in the CHINLOCK~! I…don’t think he understands the concept of this match. Or anything, really. He finally gets Jeff on the mat, so he locks on the body scissors. Even Jeff looks like he has no idea what Orton is going for here. When Jeff Hardy thinks your ass is crazy, there’s something wrong. Finally, at about the 37 minute mark, Orton lets Hardy up, and it turns out Randy tied Jeff’s shoes together while they were in the scissors! Jeff falls over and Orton wins!!! Brilliant strategery, there, Randy!

Time to beat: 4 hours.

Maria and Melina are both on the way to the ring. I hope they’re not going to the same one!

(ads)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) vs. Melina

Aw fiddlesticks. New WWE Women’s Champion (?!) Boobsie McTitsalot comes down to ringside and immediately engages on a fifteen minute discourse on her boobs with Jerry Lawler. Jerry’s never been more in his element. I feel like I have to comment on Maria’s ring gear, which appears to be a catsuit that somebody got bored putting together. Hot shot of her…ribcage, I guess though. The story of the match is that Maria is plucky, but not plucky enough so she loses. Which is pretty much the story of every Maria match ever. After the match, Boobsie just goes nuts and starts hitting everybody with a chair. Good for her. That’s how I would react if I was WWE Women’s Champion too.

(ads)

Triple H is coming back, did you know? Spread the good news! Hunter says that he can’t predict the future, but : “This injury has taught me that you can only go so long in this business, you know? So when I come back everybody’s jobbing to me.”

Backstage, Dusty Rhodes is hanging out with his son.

Dusty Rhodes: Hawfleebledoooo, Cody! Shambopdoooblegrapow on tha mothaship, if you wheeeeeel!

Cody Runnels: That’s…that’s great, dad. Scoobiedoobiedoo to you too.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Hey, it’s almost the Fourth of July, tough guy! You got your stars and stripes undies on? Cuz I know I do! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cody: Hey, you know what? I don’t know if I really want to come to WWE any more.

Dusty Rhodes: Flibbaflobba, Tony!

Randy Orton: Ahoy, monkeys! ‘Tis I, Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan! And if it isn’t legend him or herself, Dougy Rouge! I hear you were fat, but this is unconceivable! I didn’t not know they made pants that rotund! And who is this? Corky Rhodes? More like Kobe Banks, if you ask me! Which you did not. But you should, for the retorts of your asking will be more amusing that the wildest of your possilblest dreams!

Cody: Yep, I definitely don’t want to come here.

Then Orton kicks Dusty in the balls and runs away.

Dusty: Why didn’t you do something?

Cody: That’s for talking like Mushmouth all my life.

Elsewhere…

Santino Marella: Maria-a! I was-a wondering, how-a you feelin’ tonight-a? Are you-a ready to take-a the neep-a with Santino-a? Yes? Yes? No? Yes?

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Oooh! Heeeey! Fudgecookie-son!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Ha ha. Very funny. Go ahead.

Maria: I think I broke my ribcage!

Hatori: Maybe next time you should buy the rest of your outfit then.

Maria: I know! Can you believe it?

Hatori: I’m going to go ahead and prescribe you this 10% off coupon at Famous Dave’s.

Marella: Maria-a! You-a no answer-a my question-a!

Maria: Um…whatever, Sanitorios, or whatever your name is. I only neep winners. Helloooo?

Marella: If-a you only neep-a the winners-a, Jeb-a the Lund-a, C.M. Punk-a and Carlito-a Caribbean Cool-a are terrible choices-a.

Maria: Yeah. They kinda are. Teehee. You can neep me, on one condition.

Marella: Anything-a!

Hatori: You defeat UUUUUuuuuuuumaga!

Maria: Huh?

Marella: I don’t-a get it-a.

Maria: If you can beat Totally Not Jamal in a match…again…for like, the ninetieth time, then I’ll neep you.

Marella: You-a just make-a me the happiest-a man on the planet-a!

Tough Enough Jessie: That makes one of us! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(ads)

Totally Not Jamal vs. Santino Marella
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

A man from deepest darkest Samoa taking on a man from New Jersey via Italy via Russia via Kentucky via Canada. Truly this is what the Intercontinental Title is all about. Horrible, horrible foreigner gimmicks. Wait, I thought that was the European Title. Anyway, Marella tries the waistlock to start. Has that ever worked on a fat guy? Santino spins around Not Jamal for a few minutes, and then gets the Thumb to the Eye! Not Jamal wins. Best Intercontinental Title run ever. The fat crazy islander beats the feisty European.

Booker and Sharmell are hanging out and doing royal things. Like scheduling Elton John concerts.

(ads)

Sean Cold Val Venis vs. King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell)
Beat the Clock Match

The time to beat, of course, is four hours, set earlier tonight by Randy Orton. The look of glee on Booker’s face when Val comes out is palpable. The seeding had to be random on this, right? I mean, you have to think the rest of the guys are backstage, like, “Oh, man…10 seconds. Tops. Maybe fifteen if Booker sneezes or something.” Val just looks happy to be out there tonight. Booker makes the mistake of letting Val take his towel off and swing it around like a lasso for about ten minutes. That’s part of the match! The King finally figures it out and freaks, rolling Val up for the win. What a coup for the other contenders! Well…Except Randy, I guess.

Time to beat: 10:03

(ads)

Backstage….

Ken Kennedy: You’re my opponent?! You?

Super Crazy: Ci.

Kennedy: Well, I am Mistaaaaaaaaaah Kennedyyyyyy! Ken E Dy.

Super Crazy: I am super! I am crazy! I am Super Crazy!

Kennedy: Hey! I’ve got the repeats my name gimmick around here now. Got it, Super Porky?

Crazy: Sigh…That’s pretty much my only gimmick though.

Kennedy: Yeah, well…Them’s the breaks. So how about we go all Nash/Hogan tonight so we don’t have to risk either of us being crushed under your enormous weight gain?

Crazy: Aren’t you going to offer me a title shot or some cash or something, senor?

Kennedy: Hells no.

Crazy: Whatever, dude.

(ads)

Super Crazy vs. Ken Kennedy
Beat the Clock Match

Remember when these guys had a really crappy match on Smackdown a while back, which was the sole reason why Kennedy lost to Matt Hardy, which is what derailed his career to the point where he’s wrestling Super Crazy on RAW? Me neither! Kennedy calls for his overhead mic. Cutting a promo in the middle of your beat the clock match is always a good idea, Ken. Unfortunately, the mic drops too fast, and it bonks Kennedy on the head, which pretty much counts as Super Crazy’s move these days, so Crazy rolls him up for the win. Wait…What? SUPER CRAZY WINS! SUPER CRAZY WINS! SUPER CRAZY IS GOINT TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Or…back to Internet Heat. Whatever comes first.

Time to Beat: No.

(ads)

Backstage, King Booker is hanging out with Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin: Let me guess! You’re going to offer me a title shot if I beat Lashley tonight. Right?

King Booker: You get a title shot? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Er…I mean…Nay.

Shelton: A mountain of cash?

Booker: I say it again. Nay!

Shelton: Then why the hell did you call me in here?

Queen Sharmell: You tell him, baby.

Booker: It has come to me…ehem…attention, that the winner of the Beat the Clock series has a chance to beat John Cena for the title at Great American Bash. Not a good chance, mind, but a chance nonetheless. And after that, they will likely have to job to Triple H at Summerslam. And after what happened to my career the last time I main evented against that vile knave Hunter, I do not wish to do so again.

Sharmell: He’s the King of Kings, my liege! That doth not bode well for you!

Shelton: So you’re bribing me to…lose?

Booker: Pretty much.

Shelton: And you want me to kiss your ring?

Booker: Err…no. That’s what I’m bribing you with.

Shelton: Is that Mayor Quimby? Did you get this out of one of those “Cheap Plastic Simpsons Rings” machines at a bowling alley?

Booker: Indeed I did. It’s valued at twenty five cents! A year’s salary for the likes of you! And I doth bought myself a Homie!

Sharmell: Dr. Bomba in the house!

Shelton: I miss The Great Khali.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Dusty Rhodes.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Dusty Rhodes, and Dusty, I’ve got to ask you…What the hell is up with that splotch?

Dusty Rhodes: Hoooberdydooooo!

Grisham: Sorry…sorry…What I meant to ask you, is that I understand you have a challenge for Randy Orton. What is it?

Dusty: Govvnabbyulopshti! I’ve wined and dined with kings and queens, and I’ve slept and alleys and ate pork and beans if you wheeeeel!

Grisham: Dusty, that doesn’t even make sense in this context. Give me something to work with here! I’m a huge fan. I want to help put your son over.

Dusty: Uberplootnegnostrum!

Grisham: And with that, I’m done.

Todd straps himself to a rocket and soars into the sky, exploding in a brilliant green blast that could be seen from miles around. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Dusty: Randy, I want you in a match next week on the mothaship!

Elsewhere….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: I don’t get it. It’s not fair. Why should I be saddled feuding with the Sandman. Everybody knows that guy’s just going to get fired in a few months anyway!

Jillian Hall: I have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about. Would you like me to sing a song to you about the breakup blues?

Carlito: That sounds lovely.

The Sandman: Hey, dudes. What’s up?

Carlito: Wow, way to live in 1995, there, Sandman. Why are we even feuding? I don’t get it.

Sandman: Well, you see, Carlito, when it comes down to people on the roster being pushed and those not, we are both firmly in the “not being pushed” pile, however, with a Pay Per View coming up and not enough potential matches to fill it, and with our being paid somewhat higher contracts than some other wrestlers, they needed to find something for both of us to do. A feud, if you will. Now, neither of us have ready made feuds on the current RAW roster, so obviously, the writers saw fit to put us together and see what we can do together. I sincerely hope that you and I can work to better each other so that neither of us is fired by the end of the summer.

Carlito: I sincerely hope that you don’t like apple in your face! Ptooey!

Carlito spits apple in Sandman’s face.

Sandman: I spit beer in the face of people who don’t want to be drunk! Ptooey!

Sandman spits beer in Carlito’s face.

Ron Simmons: I enjoyed this segment. The only disappointment I had was that I did not have longer to attempt to look down Jillian Hall’s shirt. However, I know that if I ever need to see pictures of Jillian and her breasts, I can always log on to WWE.com and click on the Divas section. There I will find hot pictures of Jillian and all the WWE Divas I can see every week on WWE programming.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Sandman

Sandman does a whole thirty minute long entrance. Seriously, by the time he actually gets into the ring, we could have had ten Orton/Hardy matches. Carlito’s lucky this wasn’t a Beat the Clock match. Of course, he’d never get a title match, so…whatever. Sandman and Carlito size each other up before the match starts. Sadly, this is probably the best constructed feud Carlito’s ever been involved in. Think about it. That’s practically true! The bell rings and Sandman pulls out his cane and starts whacking Carlito with it. Uh…dude? Never mind. Carlito bails, with his hair having taken most of the brunt of that.

Bobby Lashley is walking around backstage. Don’t these people have anything better to do?

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin vs. Bobby Lashley
In a Beat the Clock Match

Booker and Sharmell are watching this match with “Go Lashley” banners. The time to beat is 10:03. I think. I’m not looking it up again. For all I know, Lashley could already have lost. The really funny thing is that if Lashley does win, Val Venis will have outlasted Shelton Benjamin. In your face, Shelton! Where the hell is Charlie Haas anyway? Was he having bandana issues backstage or something? Anyway, Shelton tries really hard to lose for his good friend Booker, and he does an admirable job of it. Bobby Lashley is going to the Great American Bash! What a terrible PPV that’s been, huh?

John Cena is walking around backstage. Seriously, guys! Find some chairs or something! Geez.

(ads)

It’s Time to Play the Game. Oooooh, which one? Is it Guitar Hero? Because I’m terrible at that.

William Regal is in the ring and he’s got a contract! He should sign it himself, just to mess with everyone. Instant main eventer! Do you suppose Dave Taylor is pissed that Regal hasn’t even tried to work out a deal for him?

William Regal: I say! Good show everyone! The winner of the Beat the Clock tournament is none other than Bobby Lashley! Everyone give Mr. Lashley a round of applause.

Bobby Lashley: I won the match.

Regal: Indeed you did. And now, his opponent at the Great American Bash, John Cena!

John Cena: Yo! I’m really looking forward to not having a day off for the Great American Bash!

Lashley: I am also looking forward to wrestling that day.

Regal: Well, it’s settled then! Everyone is pleased!

Backstage….

Ken Kennedy: Are you happy with this outcome?

King Booker: About not having to job to Triple H as soon as he comes back? Indubitably.

Kennedy: Dubitably!

Back in the ring….

Lashley: Omg heel turn.

And Lashley clotheslines Cena right in the face.

Next Week: Ultimate heel Bobby Lashley out acts Shelton Benjamin in a promo that needs to be seen to be believed. Randy Orton squares off against Dusty Rhodes in a match that is SURE not to end when Dusty’s son turns on him. And Triple H gets THREE Coming Soon Videos! He’s coming! And soon!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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