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July 24, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan Legend Killed Dusty Rhodes. The Great Khali mumbled his way into retaining the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And John Cena finally finished off the impressive challenge of…Some other guy. Maybe we can remember who it was…TONIGHT!!
Jonathan Coachman: Folks, Coach here. Hi. I’m interrupting your usual (Opening Credits) because I have a major announcement. As five or six of you know, the Great American Bash was last night, and now we need a new number one contender for the WWE Title at Summerslam. Which is great, because that’s 

just the kind of decision that the RAW General Manager should make. Who is that? I HAVE NO IDEA!! Am I still the CEO? Am I the sexretary? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! WHY WON’T ANYB-

(Opening Credits)

King Booker makes his way to the ring with Queen Sharmell. J.R. says that the music is unmistakably Boooker’s but I always confuse it with Regal’s because I’m like that. The King has a whole tray of snacks for himself on a big table.

King Booker: I’m very excited to note that there hasn’t been a King of the Ring tournament lately, so that means that I own the only claim of being King in WWE.

Queen Sharmell: Ok, look. I’m more than willing to keep going along with your “King” gimmick, darling. But would you stop trying to call out Triple H? Hell, Lawler over there is likely to get at least one over you. You can’t keep pulling this crap. I half expect Silver King to show up next week and kick your ass.

King Booker: Foolish wench! WWE would never push a cruiserweight!

Queen Sharmell: Ok. I’ll give you that one.

King Booker: How about the Sacramento Kings? Or King James?

Queen Sharmell: I hardly see how that applies.

King Booker: The secret to being a regal heel is making fun of hot button issues and the local sports teams.

Jerry “” Lawler: I’ll teach you to make fun of local sports teams!!

And then Lawler launches himself across the table and eats all of the King’s snacks. King Booker leaves, dejected.


Melina & Beth Phoenix vs. Alexis Laree & Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) (w/ Santino Marella)

Santino is apparently down at ringside learning how to wrestle. Or perhaps there to have sex with Maria in the event the opportunity arises. Alexis is very excited to be fighting against Beth Phoenix tonight, because she just saw her movie this weekend. Unfortunately, I can’t blame women’s wrestling on the Narguls. Santino can’t stop talking on commentary. He should do color in Internet Heat. “It’s-a the Highlanders-a!” Finally, Santino shuts up long enough to whap Melina with a pack of linguini, and Maria gets the pin. Santino looks on in shock as he’s finally discovered what winning means.


Gerald Briscoe is backstage with Cody Rhodes.

Gerald Briscoe: And then you just punch ‘em upside the head.

Cody Rhodes: Uh…thanks for that unsolicited advice for dealing with ring rats, Gerry.

Briscoe: I learned everything I know from your daddy. Heh, every night he’d have six or seven old ladies u-

Cody: Thank you, Gerry.

Randy Orton: Getting advil from Gary Bisquick about how to beaten me, Kobe Banks? Well, let me spill you some king, kid, I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy. And like I killered your daddy, Doughy’s legend guy having statutes last week, I’m going to do ever worse to you! Your legend guying will be killered before you even get to be a guy who has legends! About whom are written!

Cody: Is that right?

Orton: Mayhaps?

Cody: Yeah, well, I’ll see you in the ring, where we will see how the tides have turned.

Orton: Don’t wing at me like that. It’s makers me very uncountable.

Cody: Fore very season, there’s a turn, turn, turn, turn, Randy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to turn down the air conditioning. The air has turned very cool. I’d hate to have to turn blue.

Orton: You talk fudgy.

Elsewhere, in front of the black curtain of doom….

Abe Orton: Just one baby? I swear I won’t punt it that far even. Just far enough to get into Jets training camp. And then I’ll stop. Come on, I let you guys rub chicken grease all over my face every week!


Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John I have to ask you…can you please not rap during this interview?

John Cena:

Tonight, I make a vow,
I will not rhyme nor rap,
For your sake, Toddster,
Because I am a nice chap,

I will not regale you,
With rhymes about beating Bobby,
Or about how I, John Cena,
Broke a vase in the hotel lobby.

I will not congratulate Great Khali,
For winning the World Title,
Or lovely young
Jordin Sparks
For being my new American Idol.

I will not rap about my match,
Against Totally Not Jamal,
And two hillbillies from TNA,
While Boobsie laughs at my balls.

Todd, I love you so much,
I will not break into rap tonight,
I will try to stay the course
Answer questions about my fight.

I also will try not to mention,
I’ve held this title for almost two years,
And I certainly will not mention,

Grisham: And we’re out of time. Gee. Thanks.


“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Sandman vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool and William Regal

There’s a hilarious shot of Coach backstage watching the match intently. I don’t think the title shot is best awarded in a game of eenie meanie minie moe, Coach. Though hell, I don’t know. I’d love to see the crowd reaction when Coach comes out and introduces Hacksaw as the Number One Contender. The point is moot, however, as Carlito hits Duggan with the back cracker for the win. Oh well, Sandman. At least you can claim the moral victory. You…uh…got to team up with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan?


Carlito and William Regal are backstage.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Did you see that, William? I totally beat up Jim Duggan. If that doesn’t get me a title shot, I don’t know what will?

William Regal: How about not being boring and consistently underachieving and lazy? Maybe you’d get a title shot then!

Carlito: I doubt it. It’s all politics. Have you seen how random my last feud was? Ridiculous. I couldn’t spit a mouthful of apples around here without getting into a lame feud that ends up with me getting depushed.

Regal: I’ll take that bet!

Carlito: Ptooie!

Bobby Lashley: How did you not see me there?

Carlito: You were slightly off camera! I swear!

Regal: I guess you win the bet.

Carlito: I don’t want to win the bet! No! NO!

Carlito runs out to the ring and starts telling the crowd how much it sucks to be held down by everyone in WWE and how much better things were for him when his dad was running the promotion. Bobby Lashley casually walks down to the ring and throws him through the ceiling. Great. Now what are we going to do if it rains?


Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody needs some new music stat. I don’t think Lashley needed his new music though. The story of the match is that Cody keeps acting hurt and waiting for his dad to come rescue him, all the time winking at Randy Orton. Orton, for his part, has the look of a basset hound trying to do quantum mechanics. Figuring that this was his time to strike, Orton locks in the CHINLOCK~! To his great surprise, that was not enough to drop Cody this time. Sad and confused, Orton tries winking at Cody, who immediately falls over. Orton wins! After the match, Dusty does indeed run out to check on his son. But before Cody can scream “OMG HEEL TURN~!” Orton kicks Dusty in the face knocking him out. Cody is not impressed.


Mr. Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy

Kennedy makes sure that Coach is watching this match. Unfortunately, Coach is enraptured by his Tivo’d episode of Dateline. Oh, Nigerian Scammers, is there anything you won’t do? I mean…other than giving me the $50 million you owe me? You said you were trusted counsel of former Liber head of state the honorable Mr. Ariadian Rachmudad! I thought there was something funny about your English, but hell, I have to transcribe Randy Orton every week! And why did my Russian Bride leave me at the alter after I sent her the $1,500 to come to my arms? Why is it that this kind of thing always seems to happen to me?!?!?!


Sorry about that. What were we talking about again? Oh, right, right, the match. It’s funny isn’t it, that two years ago, this probably would’ve been one of the sloppiest matches on the card, but now both these guys are competent if not efficient? Not enough to get a title shot from Coachman, but…baby steps. Anyway, Kennedy makes the mistake of bitching to a bunch of old ladies who couldn’t give a crap about how he was robbed of stealing the title from Edge last week, and that he should already be champion, and he ends up getting counted out. Poor, Ken. Sadly, this is about the cleanest finish we’ve had tonight.

Elsewhere, Dusty Rhodes was loaded onto an ambulance, which his son immediately tried to crash into a wall. Unfortunately, Cody was not in the ambulance at the time, and Dusty remained unharmed.


Triple H is only the Six Million Dollar Man? I guess he makes out better than Ted DiBiase, but you’d think with all the politicking he’s done, he’d be able to get a better prenup than that.

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Lawler and Ross spend the first twenty minutes of this five minute match arguing about whether or not the World’s Greatest Tag Team is actually called The World’s Greatest Tag Team. Well, what the hell else are you going to call them? Team Angle? In the meantime, these two teams have pretty much exactly the same five minute bout they’ve had about eleventy million times while they wait for WWE to pull the trigger on an actual feud. Is London trimming back his woodsman beard? He should give some of the extra hair to Kendrick. Haas pins London with a German Suplex. Which was one of He Who Shall Not Be Named (not to be confused with Totally Not He Who Shall Not Be Named)’s moves! SOMEBODY CALL NANCY GRACE!!!!!


King Booker is back out on the stage. Sing to me, King!

King Booker: I know what you’re all thinking, but no, I am not going to come out here and sing for you.

Crowd: Awww….

King Booker: I just came back out here because earlier, I forgot to challenge Jerry Lawler to a match next week.

Jerry “” Lawler: And I, in turn, forgot to accept your challenge.

King Booker: Man, I won’t be able to get away with this kind of segment hogging when Hunter is back, will I?

Lawler: Certainly not.



Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with the man that may or may not be the WWE CEO. Coach, how does it feel or not feel to have or not have that kind of power?

Jonathan Coachman: I can neither confirm nor deny that it feels absolutely awful to have or not to have that position. I can only hope some clarity is gained by Mr. McMahon returning or not returning.

Todd Grisham: You know who should be CEO? Me!

Coach: I thought you didn’t want the job.

Grisham: No, no. I do want it. I want to restore sanity and order to World Wrestling Entertainment. For too long people have been able to run around backstage getting away with whatever they want, making interviewers and announcers depressed and driving away fans. What would The Voice of the Undertaker say if he were alive to see is wallowing in our own mess like this, Coach? This company needs a leader.

Coach: Ok, fine. By the powers possibly invested in me by World Wrestling Entertainment, I hearby declare you possibly the new CEO of WWE. As your first act as the probably fake executive, you have to pick the new number one contender for the WWE Title.

Grisham: Got it.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Hi, guys. I’m really worried about my Boobs tonight. Those rednecks and Not Jamal don’t care about boobs. What if they punch my boobs?!

Grisham: There’s your number one contender.

Coach: Wha-huh?

Grisham: Yep. She’s got the mass media experience, she’s into bondage, she’s got one belt already…She’s the perfect number one contender.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Yay! My boobs are maineventing Summerslam!

Coach: You can’t be serious.

Grisham: It makes about as much sense as anything else this company does. Besides, you’ll never know if I was serious or not. This place is for idiots.

And so WWE CEO Todd Grisham runs into the hall, and gets run over by Totally Not Jamal, Lance Cade, and Trevor Murdoch, who were racing around the backstage area on riding lawn mowers. Todd Grisham has fallen. The WWE has lost its CEO…er…again. Maybe.


Totally Not Jamal, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs. Boobsie McTitsalot and John Cena

I was as surprised as the rest of you when I found out that this was a battle of the champions match. Who knew Cade and Murdoch had belts? When Not Jamal looks at Boobsie hungrily, I don’t think it’s because he wants to have sex with her. Or even because he wants to beat her up. I think he actually wants to eat her. She’s probably full of carbs! Don’t do it! Anyway, the story of the match is that John Cena gets beat up and left for dead for the 100,000,000th time, and the heels turn their attention to Boobsie. However, Boobsie’s knight in shining neon green armor arrives in the form of Jeff Hardy. Why Jeff came out to save Boobsie, I’ll never know. Maybe he’s into bondage. Oh! Or maybe he feels simpatico over the fact that, like Boobsie, Not Jamal wants to eat him too. Anyway, Jeff starts wailing away at Not Jamal with a chair. Err…Maybe he’s trying to get Not Jamal into their bondage club? With the fat Samoan dispatched, John Cena has no trouble beating the crap out of the WWE Tag Team Champions by himself, which is exactly as it should be. Cena and Boobsie win! After the match, John Cena starts to celebrate, but he trips over a shoelace and falls. Orton wins!

Jonathan Coachman: Err…That’s right! That was the plan all along! Randy Orton is the number one contender!

Cody Rhodes: But what about my feud? This is a turn for the worst! When will I be able to return to action?

Coach: Stop that.

Next Week: King Booker beats up Jerry “” Lawler, after the “” can’t stop staring at Queen Sharmell’s chest. The Search for the New WWE CEO rolls on as WWE DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Approaches, coincidence? I think not! Hey, maybe Drew Carey can be the CEO. I hear he’s not doing anything….


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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