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How Would Jesus Promo? 

August 5, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Jonathan Coachman went a little bit crazy. Randy Orton somehow managed to filibuster his way into a Number One Contendership. Also, Santion Morella was creepy…and Italian. Will he still be creepy and Italian…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)

It’s time for some APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOOO! YOOOOOOOO!

Summerslam is coming,
Nobody can stop me,
Main event is Hardcore,
Better than Great Khali!

Fighting with Orton,
Legend not gonna die,
Randy will get baked,
Like my mom’s apple pie!

John Cena can’t lose,
I’ll always be the champ,
Nobody else stands a chance,
Got the belt in my death clamp.

Until Triple H returns,
You can stand and cheer,
I’ll still hold the WWE Title,

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Man, you’ve got to come up with a new gimmick. That rapping thing was cool for…like…um…You need a new gimmick, John.

Cena: Are you still going to spit in the faces of people who want to be cool?

Carlito: I’m just living the dream, man. Just living the dream.

Cena: Hey, you remember when you and I used to feud? And then you hand Jesus stab me?

Carlito: Yeah. That guy was all too willing to do it too. I was kind of surprised.

Jesus: And I’d do it again, bitches!

Ken Kennedy: I can’t believe we’re seriously considering Carlito as a world title contender when I’m sitting around in the back feuding with Super Crazy and crap.

Carlito: Hey…That’s not…actually that’s probably fair.

Kennedy: I mean what does a guy have to do to get a title match around here?

Cena: Be really tall?

Kennedy: I’m pretty tall.

Carlito: Not tall enough!

Cena: You all are one more crack than Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears combined.

Kennedy: We’d be dead!

Carlito: Hey! Ixnay on the rudg useay.

Cena: Huh? Anyway, I think Randy Orton deserves a title shot because I don’t think WWE would trust him with the title again, and I really want to keep it.

Kennedy: Makes sense to me! Since I’ve got nothing better to do then, I’m going to go ahead and fight Bobby Lashley for no apparent reason. Reason!

Carlito: And I’m going to fight Cena anyway, because this show needs a main event.

Cena: So much for the planned Highlanders vs. Cade/Murdoch match that was planned.


Rory McAllister: Aw man….

Robbie McAllister: Every time!


Melina, Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall vs. Boobsie McTitsalot, Alexis Laree and Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) w/ Santino Marella

It’s still pretty hilarious that Boobsie is the WWE Women’s Champion. And this is the kind of match that will just drive people insane. Look, everybody knows that J.R. can’t tell anybody apart anymore. But these are the kinds of matches that just encourage him to wing it. Jillian? Beth? 99.999% of the audience can’t tell the difference anyway. Other than that Jillian is the one who likes to drink and Beth is the one that yells, “OBJECTION!” randomly during matches. Maybe they can let Jillian grow her Rice Krispie back. In any event, the heel girls team up and beat up Maria, which pisses off Marella to no end, but they win.


Triple H is returning. Don’t know if you’ve heard.

Santino is still in the ring.

Santino Marella: I don’t-a get it-a! Why-a you no like-a the Women’s-a Wrestling? What’s-a not hot-a about the women-a in spandex-a rolling around-a? And why-a is Maria-a not winning-a the match-a?

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan: I hate your gimmick. Somebody come out here and kill this guy.

Santino Marella vs. Totally Not Jamal

Woah, did Jack Doan just become the GM of RAW? I, for one, welcome our new striped overlord. I always thought he was better than Chioda anyway. I don’t know if this is for the Intercontinental Title or not, but given that the match is between two people from different continents, I’m going to guess that it’s not. And it really doesn’t matter because Marella spends the first three quarters of the contest begging off. Like a true Women’s Wrestling fan, this one. Poke to the eye and he’s done. Marella’s best match to date.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with King Booker.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with King Booker, and your highness…you do realize that there’s no such kingdom as the Wrestling Kingdom. You, Lawler, Hunter…None of you are actually “Kings.”

King Booker: Todd, let me ask you a question. If I weren’t a real king of a real kingdom, then why would I have this phat ass crown? Or these regal robes? Huh?

Queen Sharmell: Testify, Kingship!

Grisham: Um…The props department? You nitwit? Look, I get why everybody has to have “gimmicks” around here, ok? Everybody’s got to be doing something stupid. But you beat Bobby Lashley in a wrestling match for that crown. That doesn’t make you a king! That just makes you a guy that won a match! Hell, you have about as much legitimacy to your kingship as I would saying that I’m a king because I can pull the toothpick out of this cantaloupe.

Sharmell: My King! He has unsheathed the sacred weapon ExCantaloupe as was prophesied long ago by the Witches of Eastwick! This is a major threat to the throne if we don’t act fast!

Booker: Worry not, my sweet queen! I will strike this knave down!

Grisham: Not if I do it first!

And so Todd Grisham did leap into the Royal Moat and he was torn asunder by the Royal Aligators. Todd Grisham has fallen.


Backstage, Cody Rhodes is talking to the Coach.

Jonathan Coachman: This is great. Now that I know I’m not the RAW GM, that really narrows things down to what I could actually be here.

Cody Rhodes: But what experience does Jack Doan have running a brand?

Coach: That kind of rational thinking wouldn’t have gotten Vicki Guerrero hired.

Cody: Exactly my point.

Coach: Look, you’ll understand some day when you’re somebody’s sexretary. Now what did you want?

Cody: Quit putting me in there with Orton. I’ll never turn heel if I keep beating that sorry bastard. I want a real opponent. One who the crowd will feel bad about me hitting.

WWE RAW General Manager Jack Doan: And if you lose, you’re fired?

Cody: Huh? Why?!

Coach: That’s what you get for stepping out of line, I guess.


Randy Orton: Where’s the Toddster? I, Ranky Q. Morgan, bowyer to the stars and celebriteen farm assist have an important annullment regarding my Legend Still Guy status that I absolutely must tell the crowed!

Sergeant Slaughter: Listen up. Maggot! I’m tired of you and your confusing sentences and malaprops! I’d like to see you try to lock this chin!

Orton: Spearmint Sogger! I loved you in J.I. Go!

Slaughter: Why thank you. It really means a lot from you kids! Stay in school, little boy!

Orton: Don’t wormy! I’m a strayed egg stupid!


Daivari vs. Cody Rhodes

But first..Some Daivari mic time~!

Daivari: I speak English. I bet you all forgot that! LEYLEEAHLEYLEAHOOOOOOOO!

Man, I missed him. But I can’t bring myself to watch Internet Heat. Cody hits the Goldust Powerslam but only gets two. Hey, there’s a gimmick that they could give him. The crowd cheers and chants “Cody” and he pouts. Aw, poor guy. You’ll never turn heel now. And if you can’t turn heel, you’ll be irrelevant in three months. Or hell, less now that you’re not in the same segments as Orton any more. Wow, that’s a sad state of affairs when Randy Orton is the glue that’s holding your career together. Cody whips out the DDT and that’ll do it. Welcome to the no finisher club, kid!

Bobby Lashley is walking around backstage. I hope he finds the bathroom by the end of these….


Mister Kennedy vs. Bobby Lashley

They chain wrestle to start, which is amusing on a couple different levels. It’s funny that Kennedy is pretty much exactly what they wanted Billy Gunn to be, but a million times better, and they still can’t bear to push him. If Kennedy was around ten years ago, he’d already be jobbing out to Austin and Rock instead of stuck in a midcard feud with Ahmed Johnson. Realizing this, Kennedy goes nuts and snaps Lashley’s arm off. No, no, no. You don’t want to be the next Ken Shamrock, man. Lashley is apparently in no condition to do his superman comeback, so Kennedy wins! Best injury ever.


Abe Orton Fact: Abe’s head looks 15% more egglike in HD.


Bobby Lashley: My arm. It feels like it’s going to fall off.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: As chief physician of WWE, I recommend you eat this Kit Kat. Take two bars and call me in the morning.

Lashley: No one can stop at just two. It is impossible.

Hatori: Then you get nothing. We have to clean up our act before congress gets here.

Congressman Dick Craven (R - Parts Unknown): We’re already here!

Hatori: GASP!

Meanwhile, King Booker is in the ring. Wow.


They can rebuild Triple H, but do they want to?

King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. Jerry “” Lawler

Of the participants in this match, the only one deserving of any kind of crown is Sharmell. And that’s only because she had to hang out with Prince Iaukea for a couple years. That’s going to be rough on anybody. Ross starts in on how Lawler has won 1 billion titles in his illustrious career, but sadly fails to mention that he booked himself to win roughly 99% of those. Anyway, the story of the match is that Booker beats the hell out of Lawler, but gets DQ’d because he’s black. Damn you, Triple H! After the DQ, Booker starts to leave, but Lawler chases after him. Oh, come on, Jerry! If you go doing that you might miss another pointless women’s segment! You don’t want that do you?


Brendan Smendan and Joe Jobber vs. Cryme Tyme

Man…RAW is star packed. Were the Vilanos busy or something? The story of the match is that Cryme Tyme is on the roster and Brendan and Joe are not, so that’s it for this particular match. Afterwards, Shad and JTG try to sell Joe Jobber’s “Match Used Boots.” The Ring of Honor fans go nuts because Joe Jobber is the Ring of Honor “Wrestling is an Art Form Not Entertainment, So Please Do Not Mock Our Sport, Yes, That‘s Right, I Said ‘Sport‘” Champion. They end up getting about $15 and 3 autographed DVDs of Rob Feinstein teaching a Junior High Grappling class. This segment went about twenty minutes just enough.


Randy Orton vs. Sergeant Slaughter

Do you suppose Orton grew up watching G.I. Joe? Well, he was in the army for about 10 seconds, so probably. I wonder what would’ve happened if Scarlet went AWOL. Orton locks in the most epic CHINLOCK EVER~! Or at least the most epic CHINLOCK EVER~! since the last time these two wrestled. Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch and suddenly it’s Wrestlefest the Arcade Game all over again. Say what you want, Sarge was the best character on that game. Wait…He didn’t even do the Cobra Clutch did he? Bleh. Upon realization that his whole life has been a big joke, Slaughter falls over. Orton wins! After the match, Randy kicks him in the head. Maybe he’s trying out to be the new kicker for the Cardinals. Neil Rackers was my 2006 Fantasy Football disappointment of the year.


Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. John Cena

Randy is still out there because he wants a front seat for a main event three years in the making. It suddenly seems to be dawning on Ross and Lawler that these two have indeed fought before. Gee, guys, thanks for joining us. Cena tussles Carlito’s hair to start. If Jesus came out and stabbed Cena right now, that would be awesome. And I don’t even really dislike Cena. Orton jumps up on the ring apron and starts doing the chicken dance, and Cena makes a hilariously ineffective attempt to tussle Orton’s hair, and Carlito takes advantage by stabbing him in the back. Awesome. Carlito wins! They jobbed out John Cena to a guy who was having trouble feuding with Torrie Wilson. What is this world (wrestling entertainment) coming to? After the match, Carlito spits in John Cena’s face, despite the fact that Cena, clearly, desperately wants to be cool.

Next Week: The Ultra Hot Cena/Orton Title Race heats up when John Cena takes on Shelton Benjamin and Randy Orton fights Rory McAllister. RAW General Manager WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan books himself to beat WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda. And Triple H is coming…As a Viginette!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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