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RAW SATIRE    
Vince McMahon's Omnipotent
Semen Strikes Back 

August 8, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Carlito beat John Cena for some reason. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan took over the entirety of RAW. The new King of Kings was revealed, and it was actually Owen Hart, but thanks for playing along everyone. Who else will play along…TONIGHT?!
 
Backstage….

Vince McMahon: ‘Sup, Coach?

Jonathan Coachman: Mr. McMahon! You’re not dead!!

Vince: No, that was one of my body doubles. The real Vince McMahon is fireproof.

Coach: Oh. That makes sense. But I guess with you back everything is totally clear. You’re the 

CEO, I’m the sexretary, and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan is the RAW General Manager.
 
Vince: Things aren’t always what they seem, Coach.

Coach: What?! Yes they are! Things are exactly what they seem!

Vince: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spend a couple hours whining.

(Opening Credits)

Vince has now strode out to the stage. The entire RAW roster has assembled at ringside and many of them just look happy to be out there tonight. Aw.

Vince McMahon: Hi, everybody! It’s me! Yeah, I guess you all thought I died, but I didn’t. That was just a clever Vince McMahon body double I had laying around the house. But I stayed away, even during the Federal investigation, because I thought it was the right thing to do. Federal investigations are big bucks. But then, quite frankly, he who shall not be named did a bunch of stupid crap, and I had to go on TV. Now, quite frankly, I think the WWE is in need of a jolt of energy. After last week’s record breaking fake ratings, I realized that I needed to be here, on TV. Because if Vince McMahon equals one thing, it’s exciting new storylines. Speaking of exciting new storylines, I hate Congress! They think wrestling is bad? They think wrestling is evil?! Well they’re going to burn in HELL!

Jonathan Coachman: Uh…is calling out the government a great idea? Especially when enough people already hate our guts?

Vince: Of course it is! Everybody loves me! Every wrestling fan out there will take the side of the loveable billionaire in his quest to fight and demean the government.

Coach: Um…sure. Works for Ron Paul, I guess.

Vince: Now, let’s get all the wrestlers out here into the ring and have a battle royal to determine the new General Manager of RAW.

WWE RAW General Manager Jack Doan: Whaaaa?!

Vince: Ha! Take that, whoever you are!

Beth Phoenix vs. Brian Kedrick vs. Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Some Ducks vs. Charlie Haas vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Khosrow Daivari vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Roadblock vs. Duke vs. Zartan vs. JTG vs. King Booker vs. Lance Cade vs. Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) vs. Melina vs. Alexis Laree vs. Ken Kennedy vs. Paul London vs. Mr. Belvedere vs. ALF vs. Randy Orton vs. Rory McAllister vs. Robbie McAllister vs. (The) Sandman vs. Santino Marella vs. Michael Vick vs. Princess the Pitbull vs. Shad Gaspard vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Abe Orton vs. Super Crazy vs. Trevor Murdoch vs. Totally Not Jamal vs. “Sean Cold” Val Venis vs. William Regal vs. The Repo Man

I think that’s everybody. What, were they too cheap to spring for some legitimate candidates like Foley or Axl Rotten? The Muskateer, maybe? It‘s too bad they wouldn‘t let the referees fight. I thought WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan was a great GM. In any event, the girls all bail immediately. Girls can’t be GMs! Take that, Vicki Guerrero and Tough Enough Jessie! Too bad though, because Beth Phoenix is tougher than pretty much all these guys. For some reason, I’ve got my hopes and dreams riding on Super Crazy to win this match. Sandman tosses King Booker in the greatest upset of all time. The crowd goes banana, because…you have to admit, Sandman as GM would be pretty awesome.

(ads)

Super Crazy is out, which sucks. I should know better than to gamble on wrestling. The smart money, of course, is on Totally Not Jamal who will order main events between “RAAAAPPP” and “OGALA” every week. I guess that might be the cure to what ails WWE though. Sandman somehow tosses both Carlito and Shelton and we have a new RAW GM! The crowd goes wild as Sandman celebrates because, let’s face it, Sandman is the best candidate for the job. But wait! WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan jumps into the ring and busts Sandman open with a chair shot. Sandman is down! Jack Doan is all set to reclaim his crown as RAW GM when suddenly, the suit of armor in the corner comes to life and tosses both men. The armor takes off its head and inside is…OLD MAN WITHERS! Wait…I mean William Regal. William Regal is the new RAW GM! Again.

After the match, Regal does the Jarrett Strut and falls over. I have no idea what to make of any of that.

(ads)

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: I don’t see what you’re getting at.

Jonathan Coachman: Well, he fell over. Doesn’t that mean that Orton won the battle royal? And so Orton is the new GM?

Vince: Nonsense. Regal is the GM, so he can ignore that rule.

Coach: But, he lost the G-

Vince: Ah ah ah! That kind of linear thinking didn’t get Theodore Roosevelt on the front of the thousand dollar bill, did it?

Coach: He…Huh?!

Vince: Coach, did you know that I’m a patriot? That’s right! Congress is trying to bring me down, but I won’t let them. I’ve got nothing to hide! I’m a billionaire who takes steroids and shows my penis to young women! There’s nothing odd about that. What are they going to do? Come in here and tell me how to run my company? I don’t need them to do that! I’m already doing a crappy enough job at it without some government dingalings telling me what to do. You hear me congress? I’m going to come to all of your homes and punch out your daughters!

Coach: Dude…do you *want* to get shut down?

Vince: Kinda. Anyway, now that I’m alive again, and will be spending all my free time fighting Congressional daughters, I don’t need a sexretary anymore. So I’m handing you off to William Regal. Have fun!

Coach: Fantastic.

Somewhere, Triple H is staring really intently at a puzzle. Elsewhere….

Todd Grisham Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with King Booker and Queen Sharmell. You guys don’t still think you’re an actual King and Queen, do you?

King Booker: Of course I do! After all, I’m the King of Kings, not that knave Triple H or that illegitimate court jester Jerry Lawler!

Queen Sharmell: Oh, my Lordship, TESTIFY!

Booker: And after I win tonight, I’m going to make Lawler give me his crown so that I can have two crowns, sucka!

Jesus: And then I’m going to stab you both in the back.

Booker: Say what?

Jesus: You heard me.

A lighting bolt strikes Todd Grisham on the head. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Jesus: Wish granted.

(ads)

Rory McAllister (w/ Robbie McAllister) vs. Abe Orton

Rory and Robbie spend a few minutes before the match arguing about whether or not baby punting was cooler back when they did it in the Middle Ages. Well, it was an Olympic Sport. I love the Abe Orton push, actually, because on the same show where they lambast Congress for not having anything over them, they run out Abe and say, “Steroids here?! WHAAAA?!” Abe punts Rory in the face. He’s not close to being a baby, but you make do with what you can. Abe starts drooling all over the place which is cool. He’s totally not on anything. I do wish he would grow his awesome beard back though.

Backstage….

Congressman Dick Craven (R - Parts Unknown): That’s right, Mr. McMahon! We in Congress are a bunch of idiots who don’t know anything about professional wrestling.

Vince McMahon: I knew it! Thanks, Congressman. You’ve got my vote.

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, I just got a phone call that says the IRS is going to audit your finances. Congrats.

Vince: That sounds really exciting. We should have a party for them when they come! Coach, do you suppose I can write off the drugs and hookers?

Coach: Vince….

Vince: Oh, and let me tell you something about the news media. They’re all a bunch of screaming harpies. I hate them all too.

Coach: That’s really not fa-

Geraldo Rivera: Excuse me, gentlemen! Is this WWE? Can I embed myself here and give out all your money secrets? And tell the members of your roster that they’re all going to die tomorrow? And wiggle my mustache at them.

Nancy Grace: GET OUT OF THE WAY! A WHITE GIRL HAS GONE MISSING! THE FOUR HORSEMAN ARE THE ONES TO BLAME! YOU KILLED EVERYONE!

Coach: You might have a point.

Irwin R. Scheister: Do you suppose I could get the Bruce Campbell part in Bubba Hotep 2?

(ads)

Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree

Jillian sings a nice little song about thumb tacks before the match, but I can’t get over the announcement that Lillian Garcia has another CD coming out. Really? I mean…really? Alexis secretly hopes that it’s a nerdy grunge album. I hope so too. I’d actually buy the Lillian grunge album. Well…That’s a lie. But I’d probably download it. That’s a lie too. Youtube? Maybe? Alexis spends so much time writing Lillian’s awesome CD in her head, that she gets rolled up by Jillian and loses. Fantastic.

Backstage….

William Regal: So you’re the sexretary then?

Jonathan Coachman: Sigh…Yeah.

Regal: You’re not Japanese enough for me, I’m afraid.

Coach: Hey! Remember when I feuded with Tajiri?

Regal: No, I don’t watch wrestling.

Coach: Yeah.

Regal: Why don’t you just go get ready for an episode of the Dating Game.

Coach: You are one weird ass guy, you know that.

Regal: Anything so I don’t have to suffer through another twenty minutes of McMahon.

(ads)

It’s time for Carlito’s Cabana!

Yay?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: You’re damn right, yay! Hey, look everybody, it’s Carlito’s Cabana! USA said, “Needs more talk shows” and I delivered! So, last week, I decided to spit apple in a certain person’s face. A person whom my close, personal friend, Jesus stabbed in the back. That person is, of course, Abe Vigoda. But in addition to the lovely Mr. Vigoda, I also spat in the face of John Cena. Now, to respond, I give to you John Cena!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!! YOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cabanna in the house,
Carlito in a chair,
Hoping to trap John Cena,
Like a spider in his lair.

You spit in my face,
Even though I want to be cool,
It goes against your catchphrase,
And it was really cruel!

I’m in the main event,
Goin’ to Summerslam,
Have to take on Randy Orton,
While writing this new jam.

His hair is neatly coifed,
His fingernails are trim,
Pretty Randy Orton is Pretty,
Look out for the FU to him!

Nothin’ but chinlocks,
That don’t scare me!
Randy is about as threatening,
As a game show with Drew Carey!

Carlito, I like your nuts,
And your Cabana brings a tear,
But there’s one thing to know,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

At this, John Cena hits the FU to Carlito’s hammock. He almost trips over the prone hammock strings, but narrowly avoids the Orton victory. Randy comes out and frowns in Cena’s general direction.

William Regal: It doesn’t matter, Mr. Cena! Orton’s winning privileges are temporarily revoked. Also temporarily revoked is my interest in booking this show. With that in mind, why don’t the two greatest minds in the history of this great sport come up with a main event while I go mix myself some highballs? Toodles!

Randy Orton: I trunk he means ups!

Carlito: I can’t believe it, but I think you’re right.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: At Sun of Sam, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, will be fightening Joe Cessna for the WBF Heavyweighed Title! With that in mine, I numerate Toppling Not At All as Cessna’s opponent for too tight!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: I can’t believe anybody could agree with your logic, but that makes sense. Who’s the heel’s go to guy in a situation like this? Not Jamal, of course! I nominate Not Jamal also.

William Regal: That was relatively painless.

Vince McMahon: Hey, folks! What are we talking about? How my son Shane is married to the devil herself and fathered a bunch of no good hellspawn? Or how my daughter Stephanie is holding other wrestlers down with her pawn of a husband? Or how my wife was getting it on in a hot threesome with Basil Devito and Brock Lesnar while I pretended to be dead in the corner? And then I jumped up and yelled, “Surprise!” and Brock through me through the garage? Is that what we’re talking about?

Regal: Nope. Actually we were just about to go play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Carlito: Er…Yeah. Sorry, man.

Vince: But Hungry Hungry Hippos is a four player game! I’m in!

Regal: The green hippo is broken, I’m afraid.

Vince: Aw, nuts.

Randy Orton: I don’t even know what a Humping Humping Harpo is. You can be having my snot, Vance.

Vince: Yes!

Carlito and Regal: Ugh.

King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. Jerry “” Lawler

This match is to figure out who the true king is for a couple more weeks before Triple H comes back and jobs them both back into obscurity where they belong. Maybe Booker can team up with Cody Rhodes. Lots of back and forth action in the first 30 seconds or so, as you can’t have your 70 year old color guy looking weak on TV. Seriously, NBC should run Madden down for a few plays this year and tell the teams that he has to be allowed to score a touchdown every time he touches the ball. BOOM! Booker wins with an Axe Kick, which is kind of akin to Shawne Merriman smacking Madden right in the jowls.

FOOTBALL SEASON~!

Elsewhere, Mr. Kennedy is eating carrot sticks.

(ads)

Now he’s in the ring! The magic of television!

Ken Kennedy: Last week, I hurt Bobby Lashley. You’re all welcome!

Thanks!

Kennedy: Welcome!

(ads)

Backstage….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: And then you poke him in the eye! Got it?

Totally Not Jamal: GOOGALLABA!

Randy Orton: Knots Atoll, I want you to linden to bee very closerly! Jim Centra is our enmity! Jim Centra is your enmity! And the enmity of your enmity is your frond! Start what you finished out there!

Not Jamal: …?

Carlito: Maybe I should handle this.

It’s time for the Dating Game.

William Regal: It’s time for the dating game! Thanks to our contestant Maria for coming out tonight!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I can’t wait to neep the contestants and get my rose, Willie!

Regal: Right. Bachelor Number One is an fat, old married man who enjoys pointless career comebacks and looking like a lazy hobo! Give it up for Bachelor Number One!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Hooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I pick the young girl! Old ladies scare me!

Elsewhere….

Funaki: Awww…Funaki is Smackdown Numba One Bachelor!

Back in the ring….

Regal: Welcome also, Bachelor Number Two. He’s fat, he’s balding, and he’s a heavy drinker, what lady wouldn’t love to neep him. Show some love for Bachelor Number Two!

Ron Simmons: I’m sad and alone and really just want somebody to cuddle me at night. But when do we get to meet the Fifth Wheel? It’s always some skanky ass ho! Wooo!

Regal: Bachelor Number Three is a terrible and injured wrestler who’s a fake European from one of those dirty countries. Let’s hear it for Bachelor Number Three!

Santino Marella: Your boos-a mean that-a I’m more-a over than-a Cody Rhodes-a! We’ll-a be back-a in two-a and two-a!

Maria: Bachelor Number One, why should I neep you?

Duggan: You shouldn’t! My wife would kill me! But I do have a lazy eye the ladies seem to like!

Maria: Oh, that’s hot! Bachelor Number Two if you could make me breakfast in bed, what would it be?

Simmons: Baby, I would make you a Ron Simmons sandwich. That’s two pieces of bread and my bi-

Regal: Oh, I’m sorry, the correct answer was Fudge. Fudge. No points for Bachelor Number Two.

Maria: Bachelor Number Three, try to woo me in your worst European accent!

Marella: I want-a to pinch-a you butt-a!

Maria: Classy! Bachelor Number One, if you could be any kind of dolphin, what kind of dolphin would you have sex with?

Duggan: Well, Maria, that’s an interesting question. Firstly, you have to u-

Funaki: BONZAI!

And Funaki takes Duggan out of the game with a missile drop kick.

Maria: Good answer! Bachelor Number Two, if you could travel back in time, what war would you stop?

Simmons: I don’t believe in time travel.

Maria: Me neither! Bachelor Number Three, what’s your dream date like?

Marella: It’s-a me and-a you and-a you eatin-a little Italian-a! Yeah! Come-a on! You get-a it! I’m-a little Italian-a! I make-a the single-a entandre-a!

Maria: Oh, I hate Italian! I’m going with number two!

Regal: Congratulations, Ron! You and Maria have won an all expense trip to the backstage area, where you can enjoy some free catering and a rental car to the next building, which you have to pay for. Wasn’t that fun?

Marella: I can’t-a believe my-a fake girlfriend-a is the cheating-a on me-a!

Maria: Tough titties, you jobber. Ronnie understands me!

Simmons: Bitch, call me “Ronnie” again and I’m passing you onto JBL!

Maria: You really know how to talk to a girl!

And speaking of people who really know how speak to women, here’s Totally Not Jamal. He’s not out there to threaten anybody. Just to make sure everyone knows that he’s sad he wasn’t invited to participate.

(ads)

Some Guy is standing by with Coach.

Some Guy: Hey, Coach! I’ve got the results!

Jonathan Coachman: That’s great…whoever you are! What results are those?

Some Guy: Vince McMahon is the baby daddy!

Coach: Oh no…you don’t mean…He didn’t father Aurora Borealis did he?!

Some Guy: Hell if I know. I’m just earnin’ my SAG card here tonight, baby! WOO!

Totally Not Jamal vs. John Cena

This show feels like it’s going on forever. Geez. Is anybody watching the time? Aren’t we like…ten hours over? Anyway, this is non-title because title matches are for chumps, and neither of these guys are chumps. Have I mentioned lately that I miss Not Important? Because I do. Cena and Not Jamal slug it out for a while, and generally drag things out like they were Barry Bonds or something. Then, Not Jamal pulls off a spin kick that would make Rob Van Dam proud, and Cena bails. We’ll be back in two and two.

(ads)

They’re still fighting when we come back from the break. It’s a good thing this match didn’t end during the commercials! In any event, Cena hits the STFU on Not Jamal and locks I tin tight, but Randy Orton and Carlito make the save. Orton and Carlito even take the time to set Cena up in the corner for Not Jamal, but he takes offense at the fact that they would think that a fat Samoan would need their help, so he pokes them both in the eye. Fantastic! I’m sure Not Jamal’s lack of promo stylings won’t be detrimental to him at all as he begins his face turn. The winner? Probably you. Congratulations!

Elsewhere, Vince McMahon is doing his death march past the roster towards his limo. He even stops to complain that Paul London isn’t doing his stupid smile like he was last time, and to make fun of Charlie Haas for being in a tag team. Then…Just as Vince enters his limo….

Jonathan Coachman: So…You have another baby, huh?

Vince McMahon: That’s improbable!

Coach: Just tell me it isn’t Aurora Borealis!

Vince: I…hmm…We haven’t gotten that far yet.

Coach: Say what?

Vince: Nothing! We’ve been out here for twenty hours! End the damn show! And no more Kane!

Kane: Aw crud.

Next Week: Who is Vince’s Baby…No…Seriously. Jim Neidhart is Vince’s baby. Also, Triple H returns as a cardboard cutout. And John Cena teaches Not Jamal to love.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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