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RAW SATIRE    
Where in the World Is Sandiego Marella? 

August 28, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Summerslam was in the house as Triple H returned, and immediately lost 30% of his muscle mass. Also, Vince McMahon considered whether or not Shannon Moore was a lame enough choice to be his son. And John Cena won a match. Will the wonders ever cease…TONIGHT?!
 
Randy Orton is in the ring, and apparently he has something to say. Speachify, Randy!

Randy Orton: Grating, rabies and gentle hens! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, who at Summer’s Stamp lost the WWZ Title Match to one Joe N. Cider. That’s right, I couldn’t Belize it either. How could the Legend Kill Guy

not kill the Legend that is James Spader’s titular reign? I went to Cheech! That’s right, I went to Cheech and asked Dog and Manny and the Poet, and all those guys up in heathen, “Why, Dog, Why?! Why can’t I be in the made elephant?”

Jesus: Um…because you’re a self-righteous prick whose only offense is rest holds and making people fall over? And because you’re dumb and can’t talk.

Orton: That’s erectly what he said! My U.S. Americans, it is my invention to go the Iraq and Southern Asia, possibly Chyna, and find out why I can’t be WCW champagne! I’m having an eulogy! Right here in this berry wing! I should be the champagne! Jim Steeler, you got luffa last night! I’m going to be the nutter one comprehended for the title again this moth!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

John Cena wins the match,
Takin’ over Summerslam!
Orton you’re a loser,
Like a guy who can only say “Damn!”

I’ve still got the title,
And you’ve got nothing,
You should go to Smackdown,
And get a title shot at Yao Ming!

I’m rockin’ the mic old school,
Holdin’ the interview down,
Like Larry Bird on fire,
You’re Kevin McHale, clown!

You’re not my next opponent,
I know that…No….
Um…My op…That’s not it.
Ache? No…Door hinge?

Orton: What’s the matter, Juan?

Cena: To be honest, there’s a crimp in my freestyle. I was going to rap about how my next task would obviously be jobbing to Triple H-

Orton: Obliviously.

Cena: But I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Triple H.

William Regal: What about Haitch?!

Cena: No…Wait! I’ve got it!

You’re not my next opponent,
You’re as lame as Anne Heche!
The whole damned world knows,
I’m jobbing to Triple H!

But for the time being,
Two things are very clear,
Randy Orton is a douche,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Regal: Good for you! But you’re wrong! You see, I was thinking about who the star of RAW has been over the past few months. Who deserves the title shot the most? ALL HAIL KING BOOKAH!

King Booker: Yay!

Queen Sharmell: I’m just glad I didn’t have to say it.

Cena: But I thought you didn’t like Booker any more.

Regal: Meh. I have to admit, his new robe is quite fantastic.

Cena: And you, Booker. Still calling yourself the King? After losing to Triple H?

King Booker: It’s all I’ve got, man. Don’t mess this up for me.

Queen Sharmell: TESTIFY!

Orton: Kalamazoo Attack!

Orton runs at Cena, but once Cena turns and Orton reaches him, Randy doesn’t know what to do, so he just bails out of the ring.

(ads)

The microphone falls from the ceiling and hits Ken Kennedy in the face.

Ken Kennedy: Ow.

Ken Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy

Jeff, of course, has been away for the last month for “wellness reasons” (he was building another, bigger volcano in his back yard and needed time to finish it up), but now he’s back, from outer space. I wonder if Jeff is pissed the he missed Summerslam (Answer: No.). Anyway, Jeffers and Kennedy run around the ring for a while, neither one wanting any part of taking any of the other’s offense. This goes on for at least twenty minutes, or long enough for me to notice that Jeff got a hair cut. He’s really cleaned his act up, folks.

(ads)

When we come back, Jeff basically hops himself into a turnbuckle, which doesn’t phaze him at all, and then rolls up Kennedy for a two count. This, of course, brings out Totally Not Jamal, who in addition to not being on a Fat March, hates Ken Kennedy. Kennedy bails and Jeff starts to celebrate this clear moral victory, when Not Jamal pokes him right in the eye. SHOCKING SWERVE~! It turns out that the only thing Not Jamal hates more than Kennedy is when non-Samoans no-sell turnbuckle based offense. And ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. Again. Nice job on the face run there, Not Jamal.

Ken Kennedy: Ow!

(ads)

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: Are you sure you didn’t sire Kevin Thorne? Maybe this whole “paternity” thing is smoke and mirrors.

Vince McMahon: Coach, do I look like a vampire to you?

Coach: The pompadour, the out of date clothing, the fangs…the fact that I never see you except on RAW, Smackdown, PPV and the occasional ECW, all of which are evening events….

Vince: ….

Coach: No. Not at all. Hey, have you ever genetically engineered a wrestler in a lab?

Vince: Well, that’s a funny story. One time-

Ken Kennedy: I’m sick of that microphone donking me on the head, Vince.

Vince: Heh…You know, my middle name is Kennedy.

Kennedy: What possible correlation could the fact that your middle name is the same as my last name have to do with anything? That doesn’t even make sense.

Vince: KENNEDY!

Kennedy: Sense!

(ads)

It’s time for Carlito’s Cabana!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Everybody’s having illegitimate kids right now. Eddie Murphy, Tom Brady, hell, even our own Vince McMahon. To come out here and bitch about the fact that his storyline isn’t getting as much attention as the return of a certain WWE Superstar! Vince McMahon everybody!

Vince McMahon: Damn that Rey Misterio! I knew I should’ve had Not Jamal finish him off!

Carlito: Who did what now?

Vince: You don’t remember when I had Not Jamal attack Rey on Smackdown for being a big old glory hog?

Carlito: I don’t watch Smackdown.

Vince: Me neither!

Carlito: So, end the suspense. Who’s the baby?

Triple H: Oooh! I know!

Vince: Spirit Squad! ATTACK!

Carlito: You kind of got rid of them.

Vince: Aw….

HHH: Seriously, Vince! What kind of face would I be if I was a big lying meanie?

Vince: Not a very good one. Which is true anyway.

HHH: That really hurts. So, I guess what I’m going to have to do to make up for it is to introduce some of the ladies you’ve had sex with over the years! First, here’s the large black lady! Give it up for Rhonda, everybody!

Rhonda: I resent that you are perpetuating stereotypes out here!

Shelton Benjamin: Mama?

Rhonda: No!

Shelton: Aww. I still need a gimmick, then. Think Shelton, think.

Vince: Well, I do like big butts. I cannot lie.

Carlito: Truer words were never spoken.

Vince: But I’ve never had sex with a fat black lady. Next.

HHH: Ok, what about this. An old pirate woman!

Franny Longjohns: Yar! I’d like to meet your seamen!

Vince: Shiver me timbers!

Carlito: I wouldn’t hit that with a ten foot plank.

Franny: Never mind the deformities. Them be caused by the scurvy! I assure ye, I’d love to find ye treasure.

HHH: Ok, even I find this one a little disturbing. How about this girl with an afro wig?

Tough Enough Jessie: What did you do to my hair?! WAAAAAAAAH!

Carlito: Why…That’s a mirror image of me! Vince! You could be my dad! Did you have sex with Tough Enough Jessie in an afro wig?

Vince: Twice. But I’m pretty sure, unless we live in an alternate universe, or perhaps a time machine will be invented sometime in the near future that will allow Tough Enough Jessie to travel back in time to a few years ago, mate with me, and then travel even further back in time to pretend to have sex with your father, then she’s not your mother.

T.E. Jessie: Sniff…Yeah…That’s…Improbable.

Vince: Hey, wait a minute…Nah. Never mind.

HHH: Next up is a guy in drag.

Francine: HEY!

Vince: Heh.

Carlito: Oh no you d’int!

Francine: I just came here to try to get my job back….

HHH: It didn’t work.

Vince: I dunno, the fake boobs almost made that one a little too believable.

Tommy Dreamer: It’s not worth it. Trust me.

Francine: HEY!

HHH: Any of those your baby mommas?

Vince: Probably not.

HHH: This was a waste of time then. Sorry. Hey, Vince! Are you running an illegal cockfighting ring that might cause government officials to come in here and ruin our reputation as a sport?

Vince: Is that a lame and far out attempt to get me to admit that I like penises?

HHH: Possibly!

Vince: I knew there was a reason my daughter loved you.

HHH: I thought it was my wicked neck beard.

Carlito: WHY ISN’T ANYBODY ACKNOWLEDGING ME?!

So Triple H hits the PEDIGREE TO CARLITO~! Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Hunter drinks out of a hollowed out pineapple while Vince escapes backstage with Francine, because he loves the penises.

Francine: HEY!

(ads)

The World’s Greatest Tag Team and Khosrow Daivari vs. Cody Rhodes, Paul London and Brian Kendrick

Shelton Benjamin has found his new gimmick. He’s now Koko B. Ware and Charlie Haas is Frankie. This will surely go a long way to establishing them as top line WWE Superstars in the next few months. I’m surprised Cryme Tyme didn’t try this first. Daivari, meanwhile, hasn’t changed anything. Leyleahleyleahooooooh! It’s back in forth for literally, around 20 seconds before Cody hits Daivari with a flying cross body for the win. Randy Ortonesque! After the match, Cody pokes London in the eye.

Paul London: Ouch!

Brian Kendrick: What the hell did you do that for?

Cody Rhodes: OMG HEEL TURN~! SHOCKING SWERVE~!!

London: That really, really hurt.

Cody: I’m a heel now, right?

Kendrick: No. You’re just an idiot.

Cody: Oh, come on!

(ads)

Daivari is still in the ring! Mic TIME!!!

Khosrow Daivari: And now, I’m going to perform for you a new hit song off my record “Why Can’t I Have My Real First Name Back?” This is “Quit Making Me Everybody’s Interpreter.”

LEYLEAHLEYLEAHOOOOH!

At this point, Cryme Tyme hit’s the ring and steals Daivari’s Saudi Arabia Little League World Series hat, which they sell for $5 and a sold to be poured later. This delights the crowd of 20 that just came to the show to say, “Money, Money, Yeah Yeah!” Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch get down to the ring to try to savae Daivari’s hat, but Cryme Tyme steals Cade’s hat too, and they end up giving it away to some college frat boys, who decide to eat nachos out of it and dance with Cryme Tyme. That’s pretty much how every racial ethics class I ever took wound up.

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: This never would’ve happened if you still had me as your sexretary.

Vince: That’s a sobering and somewhat frightening thought, Coach. Thanks.

Randy Orton: Vance! Close! Am I glad to see you dries! As you may or the opposite of may know, LAW Gentle Minister Billion Retails won’t let me have another shot at the UUUUE Chocolate Chip, and so I’m appalling to a higher autonomy!

Vince: You got that right.

Orton: What do you say, Vance, ol’ buggy? Can Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan trout on you?

Vince: No.

Orton: Boo! Well, I’ve got spews for you, Vance, your illiterate Brady is adoptered!

Vince: NOOOOO! Wait…What?

Meanwhile, Maria is skipping around backstage. Try not to neep somebody on your way ou to the ring!

(ads)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) vs. Beth Phoenix

The match doesn’t even get started before Beth raises an objection to Maria’s ring gear. I do have to admit, sparkly 1/4 hoodies aren’t winning you any points, there, interview girl. Maria fights back, but Beth knocks her out with a huge gavel. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t know what to do with that, so he just tells both girls to go home. Beth decides to kick Maria in the neck instead. That wasn’t particularly nice. I wonder why Ron Simmons didn’t come down and rescue her! Or Santino? Where in the world is Santino?

(ads)

Backstage…

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Boobsie McTitsalot. Boobsie, you’ve done a lot to improve your wrestling skill over the past couple months. What would you say to people who say that you’re still a plastic, whiney, no good bikini model who has no place winning the Women’s Championship?

Boobsie McTitsalot: It’s just the Women’s Championship.

Grisham: Touché. Now what do you have to say about fighting Beth Phoenix?

Boobsie: It really gets on my nerves when she sings.

Grisham: No, you see-

Abe Orton: Mr. McMahon’s baby this. Mr. McMahon’s baby that…All this talk about babies is making me CRAZY!!

Grisham: You don’t deserve your own interview segment.

Abe: My chest acne demands to be heard!

Grisham: And that’s gross enough. Abe, if you please.

Abe punts Todd Grisham into the ceiling. Todd Grisham has fallen. Satisfied, Abe leaves. Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: What do you mean “tennis?” Well then who’s watching the show?

Jonathan Coachman: The people who were looking for AniMonday?

Vince: Quick! Put Jeff Hardy back on!

William Regal: I’m afraid he was destroyed by Umanga.

Vince: Who?

Regal: No, not Who, Umanga.

Coach: Manga is Japanese comics, Vince! Let’s put this “Umanga” character out there to appease the Sci-Fi audience!

Regal: Whose assistant are you anyway?

Coach: I’m honestly not sure.

Regal: Anyway, Mr. McMahon, I have something to tell you, but I don’t want Coach to hear it.

Coach: But you’re ok with an entire television audience hearing it?

Regal: Coach, you know as well as I do that nobody watches the Sci-Fi Network unless they’re running that delightful Anaconda vs. Python movie.

Coach: Yeah yeah….

Vince: Just say it!

Regal: Next week, Linda, Stephanie, and Shane are all going to be on Monday Night RAW! And they’re bringing their lawyers!

Vince: Are their lawyers hot?

Coach: That’s kind of besides the point, don’t you think?

Vince: I’ve got to think of something while Linda sputters out and starts gnawing on your forehead.

Regal: I don’t know why I even bother.

In yet another locale, King Booker is walking around looking for his royal corn dog.

(ads)

King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) vs. John Cena

This is a non-title match in case you were concerned that Booker was getting pushed. J.R. and Lawler fight about which Boston area sports hero John Cena is most like, but they ignore the obvious Tom Brady/Vince McMahon joke. My pick? Reche Caldwell. Cena tries to lock in the STFU, much to the delight of his Tax Guy By Day/Wrestling Manager By Night father. Booker, however, grabs the rope. Booker rolls out of the ring to check on his awesome robe, so we’re going to have to take a break.

(ads)

As we come back the crowd is hilariously chanting for Booker. Right outside of West Blueberry, even. Poor Cena. Cena goes for the FU, but Booker slips out and kicks him in the face. Well, that’s what you get. Cena, however, gets back up and takes control of the offense. After a few punches, Randy Orton, as if directed by Stacker 2 Bees appears mid-ring and starts beating the hell out of Cena. Booker, knowing his opportunity to shine in a non-title match when he sees it, joins the beating. They take out Cena. John Cena’s father is so upset by this attack on his son that he tries to jump the barrier and winds up falling on his head. Orton wins! Geez, what’d he do, raise your property taxes or something, Randy?

John Cena: Oh, no! Dad!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori: Don’t worry, I’ve got some Hot Pockets in the microwave! They should be here in two minutes and fifteen seconds!

Next Week: Randy Orton attacks Tha Trademarc, not to get at John Cena. Just because. Plus, William Regal makes a shocking announcement about the futures of Umanga and Triple Haitch. And The McMahons show up with their lawyers for the most awkward camping trip ever.

EVER!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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