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Viva Wellness! 

September 5, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Trust me when I tell you that absolutely nobody was on drugs. No sir. Also, Maria got beat up, much to the chagrin of…apparently nobody. And Randy Orton may have gotten cut by the Miami Dolphins, but that didn’t stop him from puntin John Cena’s Dad’s head into the third row. Who will be taking home a souvenir…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)

Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Oh boy! Battle of the Wellness Policy! So tonight is the night where we sit around and try to figure out who the Axe of the WWE Putting Up a Front Department, right? I’m betting on WWE RAW Referee

Marty Alliance. He always looks like he’s on the juice. They need to bring Juvi back and make a storyline out of this. Like…Have Colt Cabana dress up like the Constitution, and have Juvi beat him by sticking a needle in its ass. I think I just booked Wrestlemania, basically.


Not Jamal kicks Jeff in the head. Didn’t Jeff just leave to build another volcano? And you can say that you don’t think that Not Jamal is on the roids because he’s fat and whatever, but I’ll ask you this: How could a simple Thumb to the Eye take any man down, unless it was powered by something other than a man’s normal strength? It can’t! Not even if that man is from Deepest Darkest, Samoa. I’d like to buy a nice summer home there some day. I bet it’s pleasant. Jeff rolls Not Jamal off the top rope and sneaks in a pin just before getting tossed out of the ring. We have a new Intercontinental Champion! He may be on something, but at least it’s not steroids. Right folks?



Jonathan Coachman: See? Right there. William Regal. He’s on the roids, Vince. Clearly, I should be the new General Manager of RAW. Again.

Vince McMahon: Really? Regal? The one that doesn’t wrestle? Wow. Where’d you get this list?

Coach: Meltzer faxed everybody a copy.

Vince: Damn that man! Anyway, I’ve got a legal case to build here, Coach. I can’t be bothered to worry about who the RAW General Manager is. We’ll sort that out when I’m dead.

Coach: Actually-

Vince: Shut up! I’ve assembled the finest legal staff in the country. Guys, what do we think we should do about my family?

Dewey: I say we cane them like we’re hopped up on caffine with nowhere to go.


Howe: Mr. McMahon, there are a lot of legal options to consi-

Vince: SHUT UP!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Why don’t you just spit an apple in their face? That’s what I do. It’s pretty cool.

Vince: Is there…Something different about you?

Carlito: What do you mean?

Coach: Did you get a haircut?

Carlito: Huh? No! I mean…No!

Vince: You did! Didn’t you! Now you look like the poor man’s Chris Jericho. I can’t use you! The afro was the only thing you had going!

Carlito: But the main event-

Vince: Fine, but you’ll have to be teaming up with Totally Not Jamal to take on Triple H. Not Jamal might be a roided up loser, but at least he didn’t cut off all his hair. Loser.


Santino Marella: Maria-a, Maria-a…what am-a I going-a to do-a with you-a?

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): How about not leaving me hanging out there last week like a big jerk, you big jerk?

Santino: Maria-a! I was-a too busy-a buying steroids-a off of-a the Internet-a! With-a your credit-a card!

Maria: Great, that means that I’ll get buried too because now I’m an accomplice. Thanks a lot, jerk. Jerktino Jerkella. Your accent is terrible, and I’d totally break up with you if I didn’t need somebody to operate the vice that gets me into these tiny jackets.

Santino: When-a did you-a get so sassy-a? I thought-a you were-a supposed to be-a dumb!

Maria: Right around the same time your stupid ass couldn’t SHUT THE HELL UP! Geez. I wish I was one of the Extreme Expose!

Santino: That’s-a just your-a anger talking-a! You don’t-a mean that-a!

Maria: Sigh…You’re right.

Still elsewhere….

William Regal: It’s really fascinating how many backstage sets there are.

Melina: Actually, it’s not particularly.

Regal: Fine. Then William Regale me with the tale of your night of pleasure with Vince.

Melina: Look, we played Hungry Hungry Hippos with Dave and John Mortis or whatever he‘s calling himself these days.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I was GREEN!

Melina: Whose story is this?

Batista: I am SORRY!

Melina: Anyway, one of the Hippos was broke, and so I offered to use my…well…you know…to catch the marbles.

Regal: I don’t get it.

Melina: What’s there to get? I put marbles in my crotch.

Regal: That sounds…unsanitary.

Batista: My favorite GAME!

Regal: So how in the world did you two manage to imply that you had sex?

Melina: Well, that’s a long story, you see-

Stephanie McMahon: How come nobody is talking about Triple H?!?!

Batista: My favorite GAME!

Linda McMahon: Braaaaaaaaaaaiiiiins!

Linda jumps on top of Melina and starts clawing away at her forehead, but Stephanie drags her away.

Ron Simmons: This whole thing is getting out of hand. I don’t know how the McMahons live with themselves. Hey, Dave, aren’t you supposed to be in Africa?

Batista: This is AFRICA!

Simmons: This is Ohio.

Batista: I FORGOT! L

Simmons: AH!


Santino and Maria are in the ring.

Santino Marella: I’m-a gonna go-a look for-a the sex-a in the bathroom-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Santino, can’t you go with a more contemporary and hip reference to make yourself look stupid before you get suspended for being on drugs?

Santino: I’m-a gonna beat-a Ron Simmons-a like Appalachian State-a beat Michigan-a!

Crowd: YAY!

Maria: It’s not going to help you stay heel if you say that on the Ohio State campus.

Santino: I blame-a you!

Maria: Fair enough.

Then The Sandman comes out and starts beating Santino into suspension. I…guess? Sandman’s got nothing better to do than to be the ironic enforcer of WWE’s Wellness Policy. He and Jeff Hardy are the models on which the rest of the company should be based. Seriously, by the time this suspension deal is over, RAW is going to feature two hour long Val Venis vs. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan matches.


Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) vs. Beth Phoenix

Poor Maria. She tries the tried and true method of female wrestling (slapping and hair pulling), but Beth nosells all that and throws her into the roof. Then, when Maria falls Beth get the pin and the win. So, obviously, Santino couldn’t save her, but what about Simmons? Is he too busy trying to find his helmet or something? If he really cared for her and wanted to neep her, he’d be there right now. Besides, Ron Simmons and Beth Phoenix is a money match. Or maybe the Wellness Bug got him too! WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori has a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! I’m a glamazon! I’m like the genetic equivalent of Chyna and Victoria injected into Jillian Hall’s body! And as for the rumors that I’m on the Wellness List? Verdict: NOT GUILTY!

Well, that clears that up. Somewhere in deepest darkest West Blueberry, John Cena’s dad is wearing too much eyeshadow. Tone it down there, Rocky Horror.


William Regal is in the ring.

William Regal: Randy Orton is suspended for the remainder of this show thanks to his fifteenth violation of WWE policy. But that won’t keep us from securing his main event spot for the next Pay Per View. So here to address the crowd is our boy, Randy Orton!

Randy Orton: Thank you, Commiserater Royal. That’s right, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, who in addition to being a Legend Kill Guy is also impressionist to being suspendered. A lot of puddle out there are wondering why I would punk John Sessler’s dad in his bed. Well, the tooth of the manner is, fans, that I’ve always wanted to do that. Ever since I sawed him on WWB TV a few years ago. What a jerky. Also bear claws I want a shot at the WCW Chocolate Chip.

Regal: Makes perfect sense to me. Now, for your enjoyment, we’re going to make fun of yet another beloved American Game Show. That’s right, sit back and relax for WWE Deal or No Deal!

At that, John Cena come storming out, punches Regal and locks him in the STFU. I guess he really doesn’t like Howie Mandell. Cena won’t let go, so he does a hilarious sequence of facial contortions directly into the camera. John Cena is the funniest crazy man ever.


The World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick
For the Number One Contendership for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Aw…What happened to Cryme Tyme? Fired?! Damn you Wellness Policy! Wait…They were fired for beating up a referee and selling his belt? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Best firing ever. Cade and Murdoch, who are on commentary, agree that the tag team division pretty much sucks now. Your fault, guys. Shelton Benjamin? Still looks ridiculous. Spanky hits Sliced Bread #2 on Charlie Haas (the no good druggie!) for the three. Wellness~! After the match, Cade and Murdoch shake hands with London and Spanky for being drug free.


William Regal: Oh! My neck! I feel like I’ll be in the hospital for thirty days!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori: Have you tried eating some London Broil?

Regal: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Shane McMahon: Viva Wellness!



Carlito Caribbean Cool: So, what’s up, man?


Carlito: I know how that is. So…You want to do the fat march next year?


Carlio: Triple H said you were too fat to walk down to the ring again tonight. Are you going to take that?


Carlito: Oh…totally. Why do I even talk to you any more?

Not Jamal shrugs. Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, your lawyers are Mick Foley’s son, an evil midget, and an actual lawyer named Howe. I can hardly believe that with all your cash, this is the best legal team you could possibly assemble.

Dewey: I’ll have you know that I come almost as expensive as my dad.

Vince McMahon: He ain’t kidding.

Dewey: Mr. McMahon, have you considered throwing your family into a pile of exploding thumbtacks?

Vince: I have, actually. Coach, how’s Regal doing?

Coach: He’s come down with a case of the Wellness, sir.

Vince: Well, I guess you’re the temporary GM, then.

Coach: No!! No more temporary. Why not just make me the GM?

Vince: Because. Now, Howe, how are we going to solve this. Heh. See what I said there? Howe…how? Meh.

Howe: Vince, in my legal experience, I think-


Howe: Why?!

Vince: Legal experience isn’t going to help me. This is wrestling! I need people with wacky ideas! Cheatum! What are we going to do?


Vince: That would almost make sense if we had a wheel.


Vince: Is that all you say?

Cheatum: Yes.


Jillian Hall and Daivari are in the ring. Best couple ever.

Jillian Hall: Hey, yo! Daivari, I’ve got a serious blood issue down there.

Khosrow Daivari: I already don’t like where this segment is going.


Daivari: Actually, I wouldn’t mind getting Nash’s paycheck.

Hall: And now we sing!

Oh, yeah!
I’m a wrestling singer!
This is a great gimmick!
Because I have nothing,
To separate me from Beeeeeeeth!


Jillian Hall and Khosrow Daivari vs. Cody Rhodes and Alexis Laree

Cody’s been busted down to random mixed tag partner already. I guess he’s kind of feuding with Daivari, so…still. This match makes me wonder what the Wellness surge is going to do to my beloved Internet Heat. Clearly more matches like these will be showing up on RAW. Without Cryme Tyme, it’ll be all Highlanders squashes and Women’s matches. Which is basically what it is now but with less Abe Orton. So I don’t know what I was so worried about. The crowd chants “USA” for no reason. That’s Ohio State students, for you. Cody gets the win after a DDT and celebrates by hugging Alexis. Sadly, he does not poke her in the eye, missing his only chance at a heel turn this week.


Triple H vs. Totally Not Jamal and Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Handicap Match

The handicap in this match is that Carlito is without his hair and Not Jamal is afflicted with Wellness. Hunter threatens to send Not Jamal to his own personal Fat March, but Carlito attacks from behind and the ref throws the match out. Geez. Talk about “zero tolerance.” It’s a friggin’ handicap match. Hunter fights back, of course, and manages to take Carlit out with a chairshot. He bails to get the Sledge Hammer of Wellness, and Hunter whacks Not Jamal on the neck with it. The crowd loves it, because unnecessary violence against people that were faces a few weeks ago is the thing to do.


Vince is in the ring with Dewey, Cheatum and Coach.

Vince McMahon: Coach, that isn’t even clever.

Jonathan Coachman: Sorry, but I’m not changing my name to Howe.

Vince: Well fine then. My important sounding legal team has advised me that the best way to deal with my family is to mock up a wheel of different hardcore punishments, and then dish them out to my family. The more punishments they survive, the more cash they get.

Oo! Oo! Oo! Wrestlemania!

Linda McMahon: Vince. I don’t need your money. I have a side business selling the husks of people whose brains I’ve already…Braaaaaaaiiiiins….

Vince: I have no idea why I married a zombie.

Stephanie McMahon: But you did, dad! For richer or poorer, in sickness and slightly more sickness, until another death do you part?

Vince: Stephanie, I love you. You’re my little girl and as many creepy incest pitches as I’ve made for us, I just want you to know that I still think of you like a real daughter.

Stephanie: I am your real daughter, unfortunately.

Vince: Of course you are. Roll the clip!

Footage airs of Vince beating on Stephanie and trying to choke her.

Vince: Maybe I am your real dad.

Stephanie: Thanks for the reinforcement, Hunter!

Triple H: Anything to keep me over, honey!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Let us go get ice CREAM!

HHH: Not tonight, Dave. My leg is really, really, really…really…sore.

Batista: I will carry YOU!

HHH: Who can say no to that?

Batista: YAY!

HHH: See you nerds later.

Here comes the Moooooonkeeeeeeeey!

Shane McMahon: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, Pops! Booyah!

Stephanie: Shane, that isn’t helping.

Shane: Dad, this is an intervention. Between you and us, and 15,000 of your closest friends.

Vince: Is not! I don’t even know that guy!

Stephanie: Dad, that’s Jim Ross.

Vince: Who?!

Linda: Anyway, Vince you need to stop having…BRAAAAAAAINS!

Vince: Done! Now who wants a soda?

Stephanie: I’ll handle this. You need to stop having sex with random women. And stop being so insane. It’s really hurting my chances of getting over when you die.

Vince: Sex with women?! What sex with women?! I’ve never ever cheated on Linda. Except the once. I was just kidding about the rest of it.

Stephanie: Was that the affair with Trish? Or the one with Tough Enough Jessie? Or the one with the lady in the tanning booth-

Vince: Ok, so I have tons of random sex. Wait…what was my point again?

Ken Kennedy: Vince, I think you might be my daddy. Think about it.

Stephanie: Why? Because you two keep appearing in segments together?

Kennedy: Nah, because Keller reported it a couple months ago.

Vince: That windbag! Always ruining all my best laid angles!

Stephanie: Kennedy is not your son!!

Kennedy: What?!

Vince: WHAT?!

Linda: Brrraaaains?!

Shane: Yo, Yo, Yo! Wait…what?

Dewey: What?


Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?


Howe: That’s right, Vince. I was working for the mother of your bastard son this whole time! And your bastard kid isn’t Mr. Kennedy! No, that would be too obvious! He will be revealed next week. But until then, let me give you this one hint as to his true identity: “It’s not Shannon Moore!”

What could that mean?!

Next Week: Vince McMahon’s son is revealed to be Shannon Moore. Triple H continues his reign of Wellness as he beats the crap out of Abe Orton. And can you handle it when London and Kendrick fight…Uh…The World’s Greatest Tag Team? Again?


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