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RAW SATIRE    
The Cruiserweight Champion Gets a Push? 

September 12, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Wellness took the day. John Cena finally got his hand on longtime nemesis William Regal, whom he’s hated forever. Oh, and King Booker and Ric Flair quit, because they were sick of Wellness holding everybody down. Who will quit…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Vince McMahon and Jonathan Coachman are on their way to the ring. Any last bets on who his kid is? I’ve got a ten spot in Vegas on Iron Sheik. Prove me wrong, WWE!

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I’m excited to be in Green Bay, Wisconsin tonight. A town where I am actually younger than the

team’s quarterback. I am also very excited to say that my son isn’t this town’s very own Ken Kennedy, a man who takes steroids, a practice which I definitely do not condone under any circumstances. And now, Jonathan Coachman will rip up a copy of our stupid magazine. Coach?

Jonathan Coachman: Urgh…Eeegh…I can’t do it, boss. It’s too awesome.

Vince: Ok then. Now, I still need to find out who the hell I have to pretend like I fostered. Somebody come out here so we can drag this bitch out.

Great Khali: UNGAGAGA! REFP IN PEEEEAAG!

Vince: Yeah! Coach, what was that clue again from last week?

Coach: You mean, “It’s not Shannon Moore?”

Vince: Yeah! That’s it! Great Khali definitely isn’t Shannon Moore! Ok, translator guy, what did he say?

Indian Eric Bischoff: Well, actually, he said “Undertaker! Rest in Peace!” That’s…that’s just kind of his thing.

Vince: Ok, so he’s not the sharpest knife in the toolbox, but he’s really tall. And it’s not a fake tall either. Except for his weird jaw and liver, I’d love to have this guy as my son. I could finally fire that creepy doorman at the mansion.

Lurch: I…hate you…Master.

Vince: So, who else we got?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Oh! Me! Me! Think about it, Vince! We both like money…We both…are…were…color commentators?

Vince: That’s some flimsy logic there, John. Though I guess I would enjoy access to all your crazy stock schemes. And I love the cow noise in your theme music.

JBL: And I’m not Shannon Moore!

Vince: I’m sold!

Jeff Hardy:

Am I the son?
Imagi was my dad.
Was I adopted?
Or is Vince…
2Xtreme?

Vince: What the hell are you doing out here? I’m pretty sure I’d have more taste than to have you as my son.

Jeff: I don’t know. I keep getting these text messages that say, “Nobody in the WWE gets higher than Jeff Hardy.”

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Vince: What does that have to do with anything?

Jeff: I dunno, dude. So, if you’re my dad do you want to help me build a volcano?

Vince: No! I’m not even sure you’re not Shannon Moore!

Jeff: Peroxwhy?gen!

Vince: Huh?

Vincent Van Howe: Mr. McMahon? It’s me, your former lawyer, Vincent Van Howe.

Vince: You can’t be Vince. I’m Vince. We should’ve brought back Clarence Mason.

Coach: Preach on.

Larry Van Howe: There, my name is Larry now. Better?

Vince: Much.

Howe: Anyway, your son is definitely not Jeff Hardy.

Jeff: Awww…I wanted to build a billion dollar volcano…and one of those trains! Like on Silver Spoons!

Vince: So who is it?!

Howe: You’ll find out…IN THE MAIN EVENT!!

Vince: And Jeff is fighting Great Khali!

Jeff: Why?

Vince: Everybody else got suspended.

Jeff: Awww….

(ads)

Paul London (w/ Brian Kendrick) vs. Lance Cade (w/ Trevor Murdoch)

London and Kendrick won the tag titles in South Africa last week as part as WWE’s international “Let Us Pretend Our Overseas Shows Mean Something” program. They, of course, lost them again the next night. Thanks for making those shows matter, guys! The story of the match is that Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade got their hats back from Cryme Tyme as part of their severance. The finish is Brian Kendrick running in and attacking Cade, and London gets the pin. Cheat to win~!

Backstage, Triple H is selling his T-Shirt. He’s such a character, that guy.

(ads)

In the backstage area, The Police are guarding the entrance from a marauding John Cena. Don’t worry, John, Sting can’t even beat Pacman.

Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: I love WWE Magazine, Vince. Look! You can learn what kind of fruits WWE Superstars put in their drinks! You’ll never guess what The Undertaker puts in his beer!

Vince McMahon: Is it strawberries?

Coach: It is! Hey, I banned John Cena from the building tonight. I’m tired of that guy.

Vince: That sounds like something I would do, so I can’t complain. How’s William Regal, anyway?

Coach: Still selling his injury. You know, the guy has wrestled for decades. Are we really supposed to believe that one little attack like that put him on the shelf for a month?

Vince: Yes. I need to make fun of a lower card superstar, Coach. That’ll improve my mood. Get me a lemming.

Coach: That’s your cue!

Stevie Richards: Vince, I really do actually think that the fans on WWE.com are right. I’d be a great choice to be your son. I can work a match, I can talk, hell, I even kind of look like you. Plus, how else can you explain why I never get fired?

Vince McMahon: We’ve already been over this! My son is no jobber! Only my grandkids are. Besides, Stevie, if anybody is Shannon Moore in this company, it’s you! Now, who won that poll, Coach?

Coach: Ken Ken-

Vince: After we sweetened it?

Coach: Triple H?

Vince: INCEST!

Todd Grisham is standing by with Carlito Caribbean Cool.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Carlito. Carlito, what would you say if I turned out to be Mr. McMahon’s son?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Don’t you want to talk to me about my feud with Triple H? Or let me make an off-color remark about booking a match for him tonight?

Grisham: Nobody cares about any of that, you jobber.

Carlito: Fine. I think you’d be the absolute worst choice for Vince’s son. All you ever do is run around here bitching about stuff and breaking the fourth wall. That’s not cool.

Grisham: I completely and totally agree. And I’m glad I’m getting the hell out of here before this stupid angle crushes my soul!

Carlito: See? That’s what I’m talking about. You wouldn’t be so bad if you just stop-

Grisham: CRUSHES MY SOUL!

Todd Grisham grabs himself in an Iron Claw. Todd Grisham has fallen. The Great Khali walks by and nods.

(ads)

Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin

Hunter laughs at Shelton’s Sisqo hair. I like that they’re trying to sell Shelton as “that guy who beat Hunter that time,” but that’s like a whole different universe, man. When puppies and kittens ruled the world. Carlito should’ve gotten Sid. Who would get injured first? Shelton tries all the moves that worked on Trips the first time (roll-up, sunset flip, another more different roll-up), but Hunter just throws him at Carlito. Mr. Caribbean Cool is so impressed by this feat of daring do that he forgets to swallow his apple. We’ll be right back after he coughs it up.

(ads)

Shelton is going for the chinlock coming out of the break. Well, I guess Randy beat Hunter that one time too, so that’s not a bad move. I wonder how Hunter feels about Ric Flair bitching and crying about how WWE hates him. The world may never know. Oh, man! Carlito should’ve gotten Warrior for this match. That would’ve been AWESOME! Instead, Shelton just gets hit with the PEDIGREE TO SHELTON~! and loses the match. Afterwards, Carlito tries throwing chairs at Hunter to no avail.

Jonathan Coachman: Hey! It’s me! RAW’s new General Manager Coach! I’ve decided, that in order for Hunter to better show up Carlito, I’m going to let Carlito use whatever weapons he wants at Unforgiven, and Hunter doesn’t get any. That way, when Triple H valiantly fights his way out of that predicament and hits Carlito with the Pedigree, everybody looks like a stooge.

Even me?

Backstage, security is checking out an SUV.

Local Indy Worker: Look at me! I’m on TV! Oh, I mean…Identification please.

Tough Enough Jessie: I work here! WAAAAAAAH!

Local Indy Worker: Can you explain to me why you’re, like, a friggin’ hour late?

T.E. Jessie: It’s “that time of the month.”

Local Indy Worker: Egh! Go on through. Next car, please.

John Cena: Yes, Indy Worker?

Local Indy Worker: Identification, please.

Cena: You don’t need to see my identification.

Local Indy Worker: I don’t need to see your identification.

Cena: I’m not the wrestler you’re looking for.

Local Indy Worker: You’re not the wrestler I’m looking for.

Cena: I can go about my business.

Local Indy Worker: You can go about your business.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Local Indy Worker: What was that?

Cena: Nothing.

Meanwhile, Randy Orton is wandering around backstage. Good luck finding the ring, Randy!

(ads)

Randy Orton: Hello, laggies and gumps, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy. I’m sure that June Sepulveda is out there watchering on TP, and Jude, as you’re there watching this on TP, because that is what you do, watch telefishing on your telefission, you are probably watching me talk about you watching me on TP. I intention you are still very upbeat about the fact that I punked your dad, Joe Spinna Sr. right in the head with my Legend Kill Boot, but being that you are there watchening on TP and not here, watchening live, I am not a fried.

Then, shockingly, John Cena runs out and starts punching Orton. The ring fills up with Local Indy Workers in florescent pink jackets. That’s the hot fashion, I tell you. Cena gets dragged away. As he’s heading out, he runs into Vince McMahon.

Vince McMahon: I thought this guy was banned from the building.

Jonathan Coachman: To be fair, Mr. McMahon, you were never very effective at this angle either.

Vince: Touché!

John Cena:

Beating up Randy Orton,
Thrown out by The Police,
Their stupid pink jackets,
Make them look like a Denise!

I’m going to Unforgiven,
To get revenge for my dear dad,
Orton kicked him in the head,
I’ll punch Randy in the nads.

He’s not very good at promos,
I’m the freestyle rap master,
Putting us in a speaking feud,
Is a recipe for disaster!

I just care about my dad, Vince!
I thought you would understand,
You have a son you don’t know,
Probably Sho Funaki-McMahon!

This is my intense promo,
Flipping it to the next gear!
I’m ready to go security,
THE CHAMP WAS HERE!

Local Indy Worker: Hey! That was you!

Vince: You do the strangest intense faces ever, John.

(ads)

Alexis Laree vs. Jillian Hall

Boobsie McTitsalot is hanging out on commentary and talking about how she has nothing to do with either of the women in the ring, but knows that the women only get this one segment this week. Jillian says, “Hey yo.” Maybe they should all try to get on Survivor next season. They can have a Wrestling Diva tribe. I’m pretty sure that would be the worst season of Survivor ever. Worse than Africa or…egh…Thailand. Is it apparent how uninteresting this match is yet? Alexis wins and she’s immediately taken out by Beth Phoenix. Beth then kicks Jillian in the face, and hits the Muscle Buster on Boobsie. Samoa Phoenix! OBJECTION!

(ads)

Santino Marella is in the ring.

Santino Marella: I’m-a sad to report-a that Pavarotti-a died this-a weekend. I’m-a even sadder-a to report-a that none-a of you-a know who-a he was-a. Everybody go-a buy the Condemned-a on DVD-a. It was-a his favorite-a movie!

Santino Marella vs. Sandman

Conspicuous by her absence is Maria. Maybe she’s falling in love with Balls Mahoney. I accidentally just spelled that as “Balls Manhoney,” which is probably the clearest indicator ever that I need to stop watching this show. Though that would make a hell of a gimmick change if they ever pull the trigger with him and Kelly Kelly Kelly. Anyway, Santino starts off the match by grabbing the Singapore Cane and trying to hit Sandman, so that’s a DQ. That was a nice match.

(ads)

Backstage….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Why do all men have to turn into inconsiderate jerks the minute you start dating them? Santino is such an ass, and it’s not just because he has to pretend to be an Italian guy.

Ron Simmons: Maria, you need to stop dating wrestlers. That’s what happened to Stacy Keibler. She abandoned her bofriend, became a title belt, and she went crazy, started dancing, and then she exploded into a cloud of bunnies. Also, you’ve got to stop neeping every guy who tries to grab your butt.

Maria: But neeping is what Marias do best!

Simmons: All right, well then why don’t you and I-

Santino Marella: It’s-a me! Santino-a!

And Santino jumps on Ron’s head. 1-up! Maria rolls her eyes and walks off, while Santino strikes his classic pose and hits Simmons’ catch phrase.

Marella: Crap-a!

OMG WWE DIVA SEARCH 2007~!~!~! My money is on the blonde!

And here’s The Great Khali. Diva Search 2008 winner.

(ads)

The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff) vs. Jeff Hardy

Khali is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion and Jeff Hardy is the WWE Intercontinental Champion, so this match would totally have been a big deal twenty years ago. Isn’t Matt backstage? Couldn’t he have come out to counteract Indian Eric Bischoff? It doesn’t matter, of course (or Matter), because Khali grabs Jeff in the vice right away. Then, fearing his hands would be stained blue and neon purple for all time, he lets go and settles for the pin. Then, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs out and gets pyro. Really? Pyro for a run-in? Anyway, Dave hits the Spear and leaves.

Backstage, Vince McMahon and Coach are eating pudding cups. Delicious!

(ads)

The Whole Roster is making its way to ringside. That would’ve saved me a ton of highlighting earlier. Thanks a lot, guys. I hope his son is Chavo. That would be great.

Vince McMahon: Ok, let’s get this show on the road! I’m ticked off about the fact this angle has been going on for over a month. This isn’t crash TV at all. Ok, Shannon Moore, you’re free to leave.

Shannon Moore breathes a sigh of relief and runs off to wherever cruiserweights run off to when Vince is done humoring them.

Jonathan Coachman: If we could all direct our eyes to the Titan Tron, we will now hear from Larry Van Howe.

Larry Van Howe: Thanks, Coach. We’ve got about twenty minutes to go in the show, so we’re going to drag this out. Vince McMahon, your son is not a member of the ECW roster.

Sandman: Current or former?

Howe: Does it matter?

Vince: We’ll just say “current.” See you later, Mike Knox!

Tommy Dreamer: NOOOOOOOO! I told Beulah that I was going to buy here a new van!

Howe: Your son has a taste for gold.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Do you mean an actual taste for gold? Because it is delicious….

Vince: You’re disqualified for even asking that question. Everyone else who’s ever been a champion current or former stay here.

Howe: Next, your son is a whitey.

Chavo Guerrero: Current or former?

Howe: Huh?

Vince: Just get the hell out of here. Everybody says I’m racist anyway! Out! Out!

Coach: What about me? I’m not white.

Vince: I want you to stay here because you make me look taller than I really am.

Howe: The rules are fair. The regulations are fair.

Vince: Huh?

Howe: Your son is a high performance helicopter.

Inspector Gadget: Yes! I’m still in the race!

Penny: Oh, Uncle Gadget….

Howe: Oops. I read that wrong. I meant to say that he had blonde hair.

Gadget: Penny, come over here. Go Go Gadget Scalping Hatchet!

Vince: GADGEEEEEEEET!

Crowd: We’re from Green Bay and you haven’t acknowledged Ken Kennedy yet!

Vince: If Ken Kennedy wanted to be my son, he should’ve laid off the roids! And the cheese curds. Have you seen that guy lately? Geez. It’s like he ate Barry Alvarez.

Coach: The guy who writes the Figure Four Weekly?

Vince: No, Coach, that’s Bry-

Howe: Your son likes to play games.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am the SON!

Triple H: Dave, you’re not really white or blonde.

Batista: I wanted to WIN!

Randy Orton: Well, what about me? I’m white and blood.

HHH: I don’t think it’s you, Randy.

Ric Flair: Fire me?! I’m already fired! Fire me?! I’m already fired!!

HHH: Naitch…you quit, man. You didn’t get fired!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: Now do you realize why I stopped hanging out with you all?

Batista: It is a family REUNION!

Vince: Wait…Games?! Like The Games?! Oh My God! It’s KURT ANGLE!!

HHH: I think the clue was referring to me.

Vince: That would mean that you and Stephanie….

HHH: You finally got your incest angle.

Vince: YES! And I didn’t even have to father my own granddaughter to do it.

HHH: It could probably still be Shawn Michaels. I see him playing Badminton all the time….

Howe: Oh, and one more thing: He’s a midget!

Vince: So…it is Shannon Moore?

Howe: No, it’s Hobbitknees.

And sure enough, WWE Cruiserweight Champion Honeysuckle jumps out from under the ring and starts humping Vince’s leg. Vince looks less than thrilled, and Hunter steals his hat. Please feel free to write your own punch line or use one of these:

A) Looks like Vince does care about the Cruiserweights after all!
B) It’s finally time for that Finlay/McMahon feud we’ve all been waiting for.
C) Finally, a midget with a chance to hold down the rest of the company!
D) It’s better than Khali.

Either way, it really, really, really sucks to be Jamie Knoble now.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Vince bonds with his new offspring with a round of mini-golf. Triple H leaves Carlito Unforgotten after Carlito hits himself with the sledgehammer. And in the biggest upset in WWE history, Stevie Richards manages to appear on PPV for no reason at all.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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