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RAW SATIRE    
No Pec Tears Allowed 

October 2, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The Internet got worked into a tizzy about the Save_Us.222 promo, a clear indication that some stupid ass split a file into WAY too many pieces. Also, Melina was a hopeless slut. And WWE Ashley got her boobs kicked out of Survivor. Who will be kicked off Survivor…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)
 

I hope it’s not the cute New York chick. Or the lady with the awesome mullet. Speaking of people that aren’t getting voted out of Survivor tonight, here’s Vince McMahon.

Vince McMahon: Hello everyone. If you haven’t noticed, I’m standing here, in this very ring, with three men of low moral fiber. You see, because I'm going

to take on Triple H in a Halo 3 challenge tonight, and I guaran-damn-tee victory! I’m kicking Covenant ass on Legendary mode. And I swear I almost know what that means. Now, I thought we’d start things off with a match to prove how amazing I am. So these three men are going to wrestle an opponent of my choosing. So, we have here Smitty Yates, an amazing amateur wrestler who once made Kurt Angle pee his singlet, Ninja Warrior Ed Trenton, and…uh…This fat guy.

“Fat” Jimmy Jones: Yo.

Vince: And here’s their opponent, and it’s a total coincidence he’s back 30 days after the last time we saw him. Ok? It’s a total coincidence. So STOP ASKING! Totally Not Jamal!

Totally Not Jamal vs. Smitty Yates, Ed Trenton and “Fat” Jimmy Jones

If we’re concerned about anyone being on the roids, I’m pretty sure it’s Ed Trenton. He looks pretty gassed. And if we’re concerned about anyone’s “wellness,” I’m pretty sure “Fat” Jimmy Jones is about two cheeseburgers away from being forklifted out of his house by Montel Williams. But Totally Not Jamal? He was just hurt for 30 days. Pay no attention to what everybody else is saying about him. And if some other people turn up randomly tonight? It’s just a wacky coinkydink. Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye to all three guys and wins. Yay!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy, Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch and Shelton Benjamin

What’s with Jeff teaming up with people that are even more effeminate than him lately? And isn’t Charlie Haas supposed to be off his wellness supse-I mean, back from his vacation? Or doesn’t anybody care because it’s Charlie Haas? Either way, the London/Kendrick/Hardy team all start doing backflips in unison, which confuses the hell out of the Cade/Murdoch/Benjamin trio. Just when Murdoch is going to be all, “Ok, Screw this” and punch the hell out of everybody, Jeff rolls up Cade for the win. So clearly, Jeff Hardy and whatever girly partner he picks next are the number one contenders for the tag team titles.

Backstage….

William Regal: No, no! I don’t care what you’ve heard, I wasn’t stricken by the wellness. I was stricken by John Cenar. Yes, I know I pronounced that wrong. No, I didn’t order stacks and stacks of steroids. Ok, I did. But they were for my lizards, see? Who is this anyway? And how did you get my cell phone number?

Vince McMahon: Get off that phone sex line! I need you to babysit my son, tonight.

Shane McMahon: Yo, yo, yo! Pops! I can take care of myself! Booyah!

Vince: Suuuuure you can. Actually, I was referring to baby Heffalump anyway.

Hornswaggle McMahon: Dude, I’m 21. I don’t need an English nanny.

Vince: Yes you do. Mr. Regal? Can I count on you?

Regal: Just call me Mr. Belvedere.

Vince: Where the hell did he go?

Regal: That’s what you get for letting television characters raise your children.

(ads)

Oh boy, It’s a live via satellite interview with Randy Orton!

Randy Orton: Gratings, Good Ol’ RJ and Jimmy “The Ring” Locker! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! And I’m here in lumberly Chicago to celebrate the Clubs’ exacting playoff run and definitely not the in Cleavage where I can do a rum-in during the made event! Also, I’m not ‘ccelerating a recent marriage. No, sores.

Jim Ross: Then why are you doing an interview? BY GAWD!

Orton: So that pillows come see me and Jog Pena at No Marcy in the Last Men Expanding match!

Ross: STUNNER!

DIVASEARCH 2007~! Update: None of the girls are any good at tiddlywinks.

Backstage….

William Regal: Highlander? Highlander? Where could he be? Highlander?!

Rory McAllister: Ach, you called for us?

Regal: I most certainly did not!

Robbie McAllister: Aye, ye did! “Highlander!” ye shouted!

Regal: Oh, that! I was just looking for Vince’s midget son.

Rory: Oh, him! His name is Hoolihan!

Robbie: Nay, nay, nay! It’s Habberdashery!

Regal: Nice Evil Black Skirts, by the way.

Rory: Aye!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly

Look, Cody, you’ll never turn heel if you just keep fighting Sparky Plugg, here. You need to get yourself some real heel turning power. Tell everybody that you’re a huge John Cena fan. Or, better yet, tell everybody that you’re behind the Save_Us.222 campaign. And that the 222 stands for “everybody who watches this show is stupid.” Anyway, Holly hits him with an Alabama Slam for the win. Well played there, Corky. After the match, Holly gives Cody a look of begrudging respect. Aw, just like he has 50 billion other times.

(ads)

Hey, did you know Lillian Garcia has a new Spanish Language CD coming out? Me neither!

Beth Phoenix is in the ring.

Beth Phoenix: As you all may know, I am wrestling Boobsie McTitsalot for the WWE Women’s Title at No Mercy this weekend. Actually, you probably didn’t know that because you don’t pay any attention to the Women’s division. But I am. For whatever it’s worth, I’m also a Glamazon. Whatever that means. Check out my jaw. Huge, right, Lillian?

Lillian Garcia: Yeah, it’s pretty big.

Phoenix: HOLD IT! My impeccable sense of product placement tells me that you have a CD coming out!

Lillian: Um…Yeah?

Phoenix: Warm up your voice by singing a song.

Lillian: Ok. I’m going to do my new hit single “Y-

Phoenix: OBJECTION! You suck!

Then Beth starts hitting Lillian with a big mallet. This of course brought out Boobsie McTitsalot, which distracted everybody from the beating, because, of course…ALL EYES ON MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

Backstage, Triple H is bandaging up his hands. Yeah, I’ve got those controller blisters too.

(ads)

This week’s crazy ad that has nothing to do with Chris Jericho? Savior Self? S.S….SHAWN STASIAK!!! Save Yourself, Meat!

Vince McMahon vs. Triple H
In a Halo 3 Match

Vince tries to snipe Hunter with the assault rifle, but Triple H finds cover behind a crate and dual wields some plasma pistols. Vince grabs an Energy Sword, but they got nerfed when Bungie dreamed up the Gravity Hammer, so Hunter hops into a Ghost and chases Vince across Zanzibar. Vince swipes the Ghost, however, and turns to fight, but Hunter finds a well placed Plasma Turret and opens fire. But then, Carlito (in a referee’s shirt, but no pants) drops in and lobs a grenade at Hunter’s grill. Hunter is able to dodge out of the way, but Carlito “accidentally” kicks the remote out of his hand, and Hunter falls off a cliff. Vince wins! Totally Not Jamal joins the match, and Hunter respawns and goes to get the Grav Hammer, but Not Jamal calls him a “Camping Fag” and eats the 360. Then Carlito tries to save his power brick, and Vince has to drag Not Jamal away before he eats Carlito too.

(ads)

The ring is set up for Marella at the Movies.

Santino Marella: Hello-a and welcome-a to Marella-a at the Movies-a! I’m-a Santino Marella-a and joining-a me this week-a is New York-a Times movie reviewer-a, Maria-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Thanks for having me! This week, we’re checking out the DVD release of The Condemned!

Marella: Why-a? That came-a out weeks-a ago! We should-a be reviewing-a Fantastic-a Four!

Maria: Sorry, dude. We only have the rights to make fun of our own movies. I thought this one was trite but ok. The storyline was obviously derivative of much better movies like Battle Royale, but at least it wasn’t a horrible train wreck like everything else this company does.

Santino: I want-a to feud with-a Steve Austin-a!

Now here’s a clip from the Condemned.

Steve Austin: I’m a prisoner trapped on an island, and I do not deserve to be treated like this! So if you want to see ol’…What’s my character’s name again? Aw hell, it doesn’t matter. If you want to see ol’ Stone Cold open up a can of whoop ass on all these prisoners, give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Prisoner: Uh…No?

Austin: I don’t know how to react to that. So…uh…What?

Nathan Jones: I’m in this movie! Remember me? RAR!

Santino: I’m-a acting in front-a of a blue-a screen! Isn’t that-a great?

Back live….

Maria: You’re no Booker T!

Santino: I know-a! I didn’t-a get suspended-a ninety billion-a times! I think-a Steve Austin-a looks like-a an egg-a!

Sean Cold Val Venis: Look, dude, you can’t make fun of Steve’s looks around me. I’m trying to ride that train still.

Santino: You’ve-a been in a lot-a of movies-a! How do-a you rank-a The Condemned-a?

Val: It’s not as good as The Cumdemned. Fourteen hostages under constant internet surveillance. They must have sex or they will explode. All over your face!

Santino: That-a was my idea-a!

And with that Santino beats the crap out of Val. Poor Val. Maria looks pretty pissed. I think she was just biding her time before she could make a lame Mr. Woodcock joke. Better luck next time, sweetie.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I’ve got to ask. How in the hell are you taking on Ken Kennedy tonight with zero build up. I mean, nothing at all. That’s a huge, Pay Per View level match up, and they’re just throwing it out there? That’s insane!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!

Fans on the internet,
Make a big ruckus,
Want to see John Cena,
Thrown out on his tuchus!

I’m the Doctor of Thuganomics,
You still can’t see me!
Over a year with the title,
Gonna beat Orton at No Mercy!

Who the hell is Ken Kennedy?
To step up to the champ?
Thirty days ago he was suspended,
Buying steroids with food stamps!

Fans out there can say Cena Sucks!
Make your avatar “Cena Nuff,”
But I’m the biggest star on RAW,
So if you don’t like me? Tough!
Triple H has nothing on me,

And Randy Orton is a joke,
Not Jamal and Todd Grisham,
Are going out for a Coke!
People can bitch all they want,
They have been for over a year,
But, Todd, I have to tell you,

THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Grisham: I hope you don’t tear a pec tonight.

Cena: Thanks, Todd. I really appreciate that.

Then, Todd Grisham carves “Savior Self” into his chest with acid. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Melina vs. Alexis Laree

I wonder if it’s dawned on Melina that she’s an idiot yet. Just wondering. The story of the night, by the way, is that J.R. has finally had it with Lawler not paying attention to the show, so rather than soldier on, Ross becomes a bitchy old man and starts screaming for Lawler to shut up and watch the show. Just like an old married couple, these two. I think Jerry’s just pissed that he’s missing Heroes. Also, he’s ogling Melina. Hornswaggle shows up to try to hook up with Melina again, and Alexis uses this opportunity to roll her up for the win. After the match, Melina chases Hornswaggle under the ring, and comes out the other side naked. That happens to me every day.

(ads)

Backstage….

William Regal: Hillstreetblues?!

Hornswaggle: What? Dude. What do you want?

Regal: I’m supposed to babysit you. I can’t very well do that if you keep disappearing on me.

Hornswaggle: I’m 21 years old! Just let me run around and cause mischief, will you?

Dr. Steve-O: I’m here to promote my new show?

Regal: Where’s Trishelle?

Steve-O: Having sex with Batista?

Regal: Damn that Dave Davidson! Ok. Go ahead and do your thing.

Steve-O: Who wants to watch me staple dollar bills to my nuts?

Ron Simmons: Sir, I don’t think this is that kind of establishment. Maybe you should take a walk through that door clearly marked “Exit” and find a place more well suited for a man of your low moral standards.

Steve-O: You’re right. I’m sorry, Ron Simmons.

Steve-O hangs his head and walks away.

Regal: Are those Melina’s pants? Let me have those. I want to try them on.

Hornswaggle: They’re still all sweaty.

Regal: Even better!

Simmons: You’re not helping, guys.

John Cena is coming to the ring. It’s time for some APPLE DOUGH!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Ken Kennedy

Ken Kennedy: My appearance here tonight, 30 days after the last time I appeared on this show is a complete coincidence, I assure you. YOU!

Do you suppose Kennedy is mad about the “Mister Cena” shtick? I bet he didn’t even watch this show while he was out. I know I wouldn’t. Wait…What? The crowd starts dueling “Let’s Go Cena” “Let’s go Kennedy” chants like we’re in TNA. At least they’re polite enough not to trip all over each other. Then Kennedy locks in a CHINLOCK~! on Cena. He’s a badass!

(ads)

When we come back, Kennedy is tapping out to the STFU. Well, fine then. Cena wins in, like, five minutes. Well played! John is celebrating this momentous victory, when suddenly he slips off the bottom turnbuckle and falls over. Orton wins! He wasn’t Live Via Satellite at all! Cena tries to bail out before Orton can do any more damage, but all he manages to do is slip and fall onto the announce table, which rolls its eyes at Cena. Well, it would have if tables had eyes. Orton wins again! With nothing to do for the rest of the segment, Randy Orton counts to ten. He’s developed a new skill! Then, John Cena tears his pec trying to lift the WWE Title. Aw, crap.

Backstage….

Steve-O: Hey, I’ve decided to do my show anyway. Dollar bills on my nuts for everybody!

Ron Simmons: DAMN!

Sunday: No Mercy takes flight when Triple H and Totally Not Jamal get in a slap fight about whether Halo 3 or Bioshock was better. Hornswaggle bemoans the fate of the Cruiserweight division by ogling Shannon Moore. And John Cena struggles through a torn pec muscle to beat Randy Orton, only to lose the title minutes later to his surprise second opponent, Abe Orton!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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