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RAW SATIRE    
You Knouw Whaut's Couming... 

October 16, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Randy Orton celebrated the longest reign by anyone not named John Cena in over a year. 48 Whole Hours. Teddy Hart got fired, in a move that I’m sure shocked…actually, I’m sure even Teddy isn’t surprised at this point. And, Shawn Michaels returned as a fashion disaster. Who will return…TONIGHT?!
 
Aw crap. We’re in England tonight, and you know what that means….

Williaum Regaul is backstage, gazing longingly at the Quueen.

Williaum Regaul: That sure is a queen.

Raundy Ortoun: It is I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and Current WWG Funyon. I was just thinking-

 
Regaul: Always a terrible idea.

Ortoun: The one zing that would intrude this show the moist, is if I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy and Current WZZ Funyon, were to appear on this show in not ton not zoo but tree segmentaries! That will provide a sure booze to our razings.

Regal: Oh, there would be razings, of that I have no doubt.

Ortoun: Edictly! But there’s no bodies I hate more than Elvish people, they don’t deserve to see hot Ourtown action.

Regaul: Randy, I’m Elvish…Er…English.

Ortoun: Then I hate you, Counditioner Reupo. I hope you can liver with your shelf.

Regaul: Wait a minute. Aren’t you part Elvish?

Ortoun: Only on Thursdays and every udder Caturday.

Tauzz: I hear that, brotha. It’s tough bein’ a Dwarf.

Riuc Flauir: That story was stricken from cannon! Nobody mention it anymore!

Tauzz: Why?

Flauir: Because…Heu Whou Shaull Nout Beu Naumed is in it.

Ortoun: Lourdes Vouldemort!

Tauzz: Shhhhhh!

Regaul: Didn’t you quit, Riuc?

Flauir: WOOOO!

(Opening Credits)

At ringside, now….

Williaum Regaul: I’m bored and haggard, and a little jet lagged. And have you ever tried eating English food after a long flight? Of course you have. And you’ve all had the runs something fierce too. Anyway, because it will totally help me slack off, I’m booking Raundy Ortoun in three matches just like he wants. Yay! Shut up. I’m tired and cranky.

Raundy Ortoun vs. Jeuff Haurdy

Randy is not happy with this match, because he hates ravers just as much as he hates elves. He should be stumping for Jeuff though because they’d never, ever put the title on him. Not even the Spinnin’ one. Maybe the Ravin’ World Title. Or Volcano Building Championship of the World. Man…Those would be way cooler than the ECW Title. I wonder how C.M. Puunk is at building volcanoes. Probably pretty good, I’d think. Keun Keunnedy runs out and starts throwing giant fuzzy hats in the ring, which distracts Haurdy long enough to get his foot caught in a chin strap and fall over. Ortoun wins!

(ads)

Sauntino Maurella (w/ Maria (nee Puunk Teunnyson Luund Maurella Cauribbean Cooul)) vs. Seaun Could Vaul Veunis

I thought Mauria hated Sauntino. Maybe I was thinking of WWE RAW Referee Jauck Doaun though. I like her gloves though. Swanky. This match, of course, was supposed to happen last week, but Aube Ortoun stepped in and kicked Vaul in the face, so it didn’t happen. Think of it this way, buddy, at least you’re not on Internet Heat. Ugh. Sauntino rolls up Vaul in the ropes for the win. Mauria loves this, because she’s a bitch, apparently. Not when she wrestles though. Or when she’s hanging out with Roun Simmouns. Just so her face/heel divide is clear. Hey! Maybe Coudy Rhoudes can be Sauntino’s valet!

DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Who will be eliminated this week? I hope it’s not the one with boobs.

Backstage…

Caurlito Cauribbean Cooul: I’m hardly on TV anymore. What’s with that?

Jounathan Coauchman: I don’t know, man. I always just kind of assumed that it had something to do with your hair. Or maybe Mauria got your TV time in the divorce.

Caurlito: Man, don’t remind me. I knew I should’ve signed the prenup.

Coauch: Why are you holding a really tiny apple anyway?

Caurlito: I’m glad you asked, Coauch. You see-

Hournswaggle: No one cares!

Coauch: Hauleyjoelosment! Come back here! Come back so I can raise you!

(ads)

Still backstage….

Jounathan Coauchman: Look, I just want to talk, ok?

Hournswaggle: Get the hell away from me, Couch Man! I don’t want to hear any of your filthy lies. I’m a McMauhon, which means that you work for me!

Coauch: Well, will you please get off the catering table, at least?

Hournswaggle: Hecks no! I love walking on ham sandwiches. I’ve never felt so alive! Here, you try it.

Coauch climbs up onto the table and steps gingerly onto a ham sandwich, which explodes, throwing him across the room. Hournswaggle leaves.

Coauch: Houndaciviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!

Touugh Enouugh Jeussie: Are you going to finish that ham sandwich?

Coauch: Yes. Yes, I am.

T.E. Jeussie: There’s never any food for me! WAAAAAAH!

Elsewhere….

Viunce McMauhon: Williaum, I have to ask you…Are you trying to tell us something with all these gay icons on your wall?

Williaum Regaul: For the last time, Viunce! No! I’m not! Geez. Can you name a British Icon over the last three decades that wasn’t flaming gay? Think hard.

Viunce: Dauvid Beuc-

Regaul: Come on now. Pretty boy. Always shirtless. Plays footie? Married a robot?

Viunce: Ok, you’ve got me.

Regaul: So, no. I’m just celebrating cultural pride.

Viunce: Well, you know what else is totally straight? Two sweaty men beating each other up in their underwear! And tonight, we’re going to see Toutally Nout Jamaul beat up some jobber just like he will to the injured Triuple H at Cyber Sunday.

Regual: Cyber Sunday. Yes. Awful name.

Viunce: Williaum, are you even paying attention?

Regaul: Triuple Haiutch and Uuuuuuuumanga. Yes. Right.

Vince: What the hell is an Umanga?

Regaul: To be honest with you, Viunce, I haven’t heard a word you’ve said since “Well.” I’m still suffering the effects of my England bourne face turn, I’m afraid, so I won’t be of much use to you.

Keun Keunnedy is wandering around backstage. I hope he realizes that everything is backwards in England! He’s going the wrong way!

(ads)

Keun Keunnedy vs. Raundy Ortoun

Keun Keunnedy: Even though Shauwn Michaeuls is going to win, I want you all to vote for me, because that’ll make WWE think that people like me, and maybe that would make them stop jobbing me out! OUT!

I don’t think it’s going to happen, duder. It’s fun listening to British people add the vowels to Keunnedy’s name as he’s talking though. That’s the best part of the overseas tours I think. Hillarious accents. It works for the American South and Canada too. Both guys go for some punchy-CHINLOCK~!y action, but the match quickly ends when Jeuff Haurdy runs out and starts throwing some punches at Keunnedy. That’s the DQ. Hey…Keunnedy wins! His polling strategy is already working!

(ads)

Viunce McMauhon: I know you’re all really excited for WWE Cyber Sunday, the event where you, the fans, get to make up the matches and stipulations, so long as they’re the ones we want you to pick. I mean seriously, guys, nobody is paying for that Pauul London vs. Jaumie Nouble main event. Ok? Geez. Now, I’d like to introduce you to tonight’s human crash dummy. What’s your name?

Aundy Simmouns: My name is Aundy Simmouns, govnah! Pip pip! Cheerio!

Viunce: How nice. Now, here’s a guy who definitely isn’t Jamaul, Toutally Nout Jamaul!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutally Nout Jamaul
In a Street Fight

Because nothing says “I’m going to beat up a 34 time World Champion” quite like beating up some pasty dude they pulled out of a local indy fed last night. The match pretty much goes exactly as expected, with poor Aundy (who in another lifetime would’ve been a member of the Poulice) getting the crap kicked out of him by Nout Jamaul in a fairly standard fight. The only “street” part of it was Nout Jamaul Samoan Dropping Aundy onto a chair, which, I have to admit, has happened in every street fight I’ve ever been in. I never know why Aundy and Nout Jamaul always show up though. The Samoan Bulldogzer wins!

Viunce: But that’s not all! No, no! We’ve got time to kill and not enough wrestlers to do it!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutally Nout Jamaul
In a First Blood Match

I love how the referees at ringside don’t even put up a fight on this one. They just kind of dump Aundy at him. And say what you want, but Aundy is having the time of his life here. Dude just went from stocking tea at the grocer to getting more face time on RAW than Daivauri has had in six months. Nout Jamaul peppers him with thumbs to his eye, though, which may make him reconsider his lot in life. Sure enough, blood comes spouting out of Aundy’s eyehole, and Nout Jamaul wins again!

Viunce: You know what though? Seriously, if we’re going to drag Ortoun out here three times in one night, why not the fastest rising star in the business today Aundy Simmouns! Here he is again!

Aundy Simmouns vs. Toutall Nout Jamaul
In a Cage Match

Man, RAW is just showing some poor clock management here tonight. Aundy should take a time out so they can regroup. Except I don’t think he can speak any more, what with the missing eye and all. He can start work next week as a pirate though! YARR! That’ll be cool. Not quite as cool is Nout Jamaul throwing Aundy into the side of the cage for ten minutes before he gets tuckered out and takes a nap. Finally, Viunce just gets in there and rolls him out the door. Naut Jamaul wins!

Viunce: I swear, that looked better on paper.

(ads)

Backstage, Hournswaggle is driving around on a Double Decker power wheels, whilst Coauch is chasing him around on a stick horse as Touugh Enouugh Jeussie follows along clapping two coconut halves together.

Ron Simmons: This chase scene needs the Beunnie Hiull theme. That would really put it over the top, I think.

In the ring….

Jiullian Haull: Liullian Gaurcia! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mang. Your performance last week inspired flaccid record sales and a poor performance on iTunes. Maybe you should stick to your day job. Whatever that is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sing a bit of The Zoumbies.

Jiullian Haull vs. Booubsie McTitsaulot

Unfortunately, she never gets a verse out because Boobsie demands All Eyes on MeMEMEMEMMEMEMEME! Unfortunately for Madame Titsaulot, Jillian also takes that to mean “all hands” too, so she levels Booubsie with a few punches. Do you suppose Sir Titsaulot was a member of King Auurther’s court? And if not, don’t you think the Knights of the Round Table could’ve used him? I guess that has no bearing on this match at all, but that’s fine, because Booubsie just wins with a roll-up anyway.

Probably not even in England….

Beuth Phoeunix: OBJECTION! Next week, Booubsie there is challenging me to a rematch for the WWE Women’s title. Well, that’s fine, because next week is the thrilling release of my new game Beuth Phoenuix: Trials and Tribulations for the Nintendo DS. All Booubsie’s fans can expect to see her on her knees begging for mercy. Which, if you’ve seen her videos on the Internet, should be quite familiar to you.

Probably in England….

Coudy Rhoudes: Man, “Coudy?” That name sucks.

Haurdcore Hoully: I hear they’ve been advertising our big rematch all week. Millions of people are going to be tuning in to RAW tonight just to watch Haurdcore Hoully wrestle. Are you ready for some action?

Coudy: Eh…Not really. I was actually thinking that I should become Sauntino Maurella’s girlfriend, so I can turn heel.

Hoully slaps Coudy.

Coudy: What was that for?

Hoully: Quit making sense! That’d turn you heel, but is that what you really want? To be Sauntino’s valet?

Coudy: Sigh…Not really. I guess I just want to be a heel so bad, I’ll do anything.

Hoully: That’s the spirit! We’ll see what we can do.

(ads)

Briaun Keundrick (w/ Pauul London) vs. Roury McAulister (w/ Roubbie McAulister)

Trevour Muurdoch and Launce Caude are on commentary. They love the Hiughlander’s new Dark Quickening based offense and their evil black kilts. The fans in England aren’t into it though. Geez, guys. The war with Scotland was years ago. Get over it. Anyway, Spaunky goes for his vaunted “Backflips in the Corner” offense, but Roury counters that by kicking him in the face. Well, that’s not very clever. A little bit of outside shenanigans between Roubbie and London distract Keundrick, and Roury picks up the win. The heel tag teams have a staredown, but you can tell they’re both just happy to be off Internet Heat.

(ads)

Backstage, Toudd Grishaum is standing by with Shauwn Michaeuls.

Toudd Grishaum: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and no, I’m not adding superfluous “u”s to everything.

Shauwn Michaeuls: Oh, come on, Toudd. You know what they say. When in Rome….

Toudd: We’re not in Rome! We’re not even in London! We’re in Birmingham! And they don’t add letters to every word! Geez!

Shauwn: Did you just take the Lourd’s name in vain?

Toudd: You know what? Yes. Yes I did.

HBUK superkicks Toudd’s head off. Toudd Grishaum has fallen.

Shauwn: So, in closing. Vote for me!

Elsewhere, Coauch and Hournswaggle are still driving around the backstage area. Hournswaggle darts into the Women’s Locker Room and Coauch follows him in there. After a few seconds, Hournswaggle comes out with a bra and Aulexis Lauree hanging off him, and Coauch comes out with curlers stapled to his head and a lovely pedicure.

Save_Us.228 now? What does it all mean?! Save us? Save who? Wait…Save…U.S.? The return of the Leux Expreuss!! Jium Rouss and Jeurry “” Lauwler are not impressed.

Coauch and Hournswaggle have made it out to the ring. Hournswaggle ducks underneath into his hidden zone. By the way, if you were ever wondering why there were stop signs and things under the ring, now you know. They’re from Hournswaggle’s village. You should see all the accidents and congestion down there now. Anyway, Coauch is about to use an Acme Explosive Plunger to…blow up the ring, I guess, but he gets distracted by some Free Birdseed. Overcome by hunger, Coauch runs up to the birdseed, only to realize that the birdseed was only free with a purchase of a Happy Meal. Adequately chagrined, Coach returns to his plunger and gets run over by Hournswaggle’s Double Decker bus.

Hournswaggle: Meep Meep!

(ads)

Coudy Rhoudes vs. Haurdcore Hoully

I wonder if Coudy is upset that he wasn’t picked to take Teuddy Haurt’s place in the New Hart Foundation. Doesn’t the New Hart Foundation sound like a charity? For only $2.50 per month, you can sponsor a child just like Teuddy here, giving him all the immunizations and well water a child like him needs to do backflips and piss people off. Anyway, the story of the match is that Hoully keeps trying to beat up Coudy, but Coudy rolls away from Boub and hits him with a backslide. Finally, Hoully gets sick of it and punches Coudy in the face. Haurdcore wins! After the match, Coudy looks pretty pissed off and Hoully looks…constipated, maybe?

(ads)

Raundy Ortoun vs. Shauwn Michaeuls

This is the match they want you to vote for, by the way. Just so you know. To make things a little more obvious, they lower a neon sign above the ring that says, “Wouldn’t this make for a Great PPV Match?” Ortoun and Shauwn go back and forth for a little while, but just when it looks like Michaeuls is going to get the upper hand, Keun Keunnedy runs in for the DQ. Keunnedy and Ortoun double team Michaeuls to try to eliminate him from the running, but the Libertarian Candidate Jeuff Haurdy runs down and takes out Keunnedy. With Keun eliminated, Shauwn is in perfect position to hit the SUPERKICK TO ORTOUN~! SHAUWN MICHAEULS IS GOING TO CYBER SUNDAY! Errr…maybe. If you vote for him that is. Cough Cough.

And then the ring explodes.

Jium Rouss: Bebedbedbe-That’s All Folks!

Next Week: Beuth Phoeunix celebrates the launch of her new game with a decisive verdict over Booubsie McTitsaulot. Also, Shauwn Michaeuls desperately panders for votes by telling people that his running mate will be Chrius Jeuricho. Also? A little thing called the Satireversary.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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