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RAW SATIRE    
The Father, The Son-in-Law, and 
The Holy Shawn 

October 30, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: It was Cyber Sunday, and “Not Watching the PPV” won with an overwhelming 94%. Those who DID watch it were able to witness a…um…thrilling streetfight between Triple H and Totally Not Jamal. Also, Randy Orton grabbing Shawn Michaels’ junk. Whose junk will he grab…TONIGHT?!
 
Golly, I hope it’s not mine. Yours, maybe.

(Opening Credits)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Alexis Laree vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria vs. Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Layla El vs. Brooke Brookington vs. Michelle McCool vs. A Gander

 
Ok, Costume Round-up:

Maria: A Virgin
Alexis:
Raven
Torrie: A Walrus (Possibly Andy Reid)
Victoria: Jim Ross in a Thong
Jillian Hall:
Mandy Moore
Kelly Kelly Kelly:
Kelly Clarkson
Layla El:
“Downtown” Julie Brown
Brooke Brookington:
Nailz
Michelle McCool: The Undertaker (Complete with Sara Tattoo)
The Gander: A
Duck

The story of the match is that Victoria is a giant fatty. Kelly helps Torrie frown frumpily at Victoria until she jumps the ropes herself. Everybody else was eliminated pretty much exactly how you would expect, except Michelle, who was eliminated only because she got screwed up trying to roll her eyes back into her head, and she tripped and fell out. Orton wins! Wait, no. Never mind. Kelly won. Good for her. Somebody’s got to pay for that new rack. Afterwards, Beth Phoenix runs out dressed as Miles Edgeworth and she hits Kelly with the Conchairto. OBJECTION!

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is dressed like Gay Jesus.

(ads)

Now Shawn is in the ring! Commercial breaks are magic!

Shawn Michaels: I know what you’re all thinking…Bright pink robes, a scruffy beard, a strapless tank top, and a hat that says, “Gay Jesus.” You all think I’m J. Edgar Hoover! But I’m not! I’m the Ghost of Halloween Past, and I’m here to main event your wrestling shows like it’s 1996! Randy Orton grabbed my crotch last night, and there’s a time and place for everything, but not during a main event of a majo-Er…Well…It was on pay per view anyway. If you want to throw a hissy fit and walk out on the match, that’s one thing. But not like this! Oh no! That’s why I’m demanding a rematch with Randy Orton!

Vince McMahon comes storming out…and he’s either dressed like Colonel Mustard, or Vince McMahon circa 1987.

Vince McMahon: Hello everyone and welcome to another exciting edition of WWE Superstars! I’m Vince McMahon and I’m standing by with one of the hottest up-and-comers in the world of professional wrestling today, I’m of course, talking about one half of the Rockers, Shawn Michaels!

Shawn: Focus, Vince. Focus.

Vince: One Two hegothimnohedidn’t!

Shawn: Couldn’t you just have been Colonel Mustard?

Vince: No. Shawn Michaels, I have to admit, that as much Gay Jesusing as you do around here, I still think you’re a hell of a wrestler. But you’ve forgotten one thing, my friend. To be a World Champion, you have to hate. I mean…REALLY hate. Can you really hate, Shawn?

Shawn: I’m starting to really hate you….

Vince: Yeah! Good! You also have to work a full schedule. And overseas tours.

Shawn: Darn.

Vince: Heh.

Shawn: That’s cool though. I think these robes are due back at, like, 9:30 anyway. I’m bringing these robes back on MY TERMS!

Then Shawn totally whiffs on a Superkick because…Well, come on. It’s hard to do it in heels, y’all. So then they do an awesome uncomfortable staredown where nobody knows quite how to react. And Vince just leaves. With that scruffy beard, by the way, Shawn looks just like Triple H in close-ups.

(ads)

Two slutty girls are backstage. Is Godfather coming out tonight or something? Wait, no! They’re DIVA SEARCH 2007~!

Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Holly is, for the eight consecutive year, going as a “Hotel Sheet Ghost,” which doesn’t even work if they’re Ivy Vine patterned. Cody, for his part, is going as Se7en. I guess there just aren’t enough good heel gimmicks in the Rhodes family. Poor kid. Benjamin and Haas are, of course, going as each other. There ain’t no stoppin’ Charlie Haas…NAH! The story of the match isn’t the burgeoning “developing respect” between Holly and Rhodes, but the fact that the crowd spends the entire match chanting “Y2J.” I have to admit, Lillian’s Chris Jericho costume is pretty cool. Cody actually wins the match by pinning Haas. Er…Benjamin. Er…Well…Does it really matter?

Randy Orton and Totally Not Jamal are chatting backstage. Let’s listen in.

Randy Orton: Totalitarian Not Jamar, or as the kids are collering you, Uganda, I have to tell you, I am very excreted! Tonight, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, team up with a guy from dearest, deep crust Samosa. I’ve never even been to Samosa! What can you trench me about your culver?

Totally Not Jamal: AKKKALLIIII!

Orton: I’m afraid I can’t spell in trunks. Try starting what you finished again.

Not Jamal: YUKAAHHPI?

Orton: After we take on that dapperly Tigger Eight, too tight, will you be my bent fiend?

Not Jamal: No.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is dressed as Spock and is standing by with Beth Phoenix.

Todd Grisham: What are you supposed to be, even?

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! I was about to ask you the same question.

Grisham: I’m Dr. Spock!

Beth Phoenix: Oh. Live long and prosper, nerd! Where’s your elf ears?

Grisham: Not that Spock, you idiot! Benjamin Spock! The renowned child psychologist!

Phoenix: Oh. I’m a renowned prosecutor from the future.

Grisham: Oh. Way to be in the ring when Boobsie fell over, by the way.

Randy Orton: Falling over? Elk ears? Are you two stalking about me?

Grisham: I can thankfully say that we were not.

Orton: It’s ok, Toddster, you can tel…ELF! My breast fiend in the whole wig girl! Where have you being?

Phoenix: Are you talking to me?

Orton: Yes, mamsir! You’re Mild Edge, right?

Phoenix: Miles Edgeworth…Famous prosecutor from the future?

Orton: I don’t claire what your real gnome is, Eulogy! I’m just glad you art back!

Orton hugs Beth for entirely too long.

Phoenix: OBJECTION!

Backstage, Trevor Murdoch is reading? Who knew? He’s also dressed up like his lame Taz tattoo.

Trevor Murdoch: Man, thank God WWE Magazine has so many pictures.

Alexis Laree: Hey, Trevor. Thanks for not letting me get killed last week.

Murdoch: Aw, shucks.

Alexis: You do know that Tazz is orange and wears a towel on his head, right?

Murdoch: I’m not that Tazz, I’m Taz. Like in the cartoons?

Alexis: That’s a pretty sad approximation.

Murdoch: I love yo-

Lance Cade: What was that?

Murdoch: I love Kevin Youkilis! Go Red Sox, am I right?

Cade: Get your head in the game, man! Quit dressing up like that terrible Taz tattoo and help me keep our tag team titles.

Murdoch: Aw…You never let me get any action.

Cade: That’s…Really disturbing imagery there.

Alexis: Quoth the Raven…NEVERMORE!

Then Murdoch turns into a crappy looking tornado and spins away. Elsewhere, William Regal is dressed as Dracula.

William Regal: I’d really like to suck your blood. If I could. It’d be much appreciated.

Vince McMahon: No.

Regal: Ok, then. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we sure have lost a lot of people to injury and…um…”wellness” lately. The RAW roster is thinner than Shawn Michaels’ hair right now.

Vince: Are you implying that we should bring back Chris Jericho?

Regal: Not at all. He peed in my tea once, you know. What I was suggesting is that we quit booking Triple H matches for a while. The more matches that poor man wrestles, the closer he gets to having another muscle snap off.

Vince: What are we going to do? Give his spot to Super Crazy?

Regal: Fill it with pointless backstage segments like this one.

Vince: I’ll think about it. Now where’s my son? Where’s Heroesisonrighnow?

Hornswaggle pops out from under the couch dressed like Chucky.

Hornswaggle: This costume has a lot of rich wrestling tradition.

Vince: Hooligan, I know you and I haven’t spent much time together over the last couple weeks, and I don’t want you to think that it’s because the writers wanted to forget that you were my son. You see, what happened was that we just didn’t have anything to discuss. You, essentially, were just doing a bunch of face crap, and I was running around wearing suits. But now, I’m here in my Superstars of Wrestling blazer, and I just wanted to know…Can you hate? Can you really hate something, Hatemonger?

Hornswaggle: Well…I mean, I hate the WNBA.

Vince: Good! Good! Well, I think that was a good talk. Have a nice match against Coach.

(ads)

Save_Us ad. I hope it’s for Flair. That’d just throw everybody off.

Jonathan Coachman vs. Hornswaggle
With Special Guest Referee
Mick Foley

Coach is dressed as Maven, and Mick is dressed as a younger, more popular version of himself. The crowd chants “Rocky!” in appreciation. Mick asks Coach if he wants to be in a tag team, so Coach waggles his eyebrows at him. Coach dominates the early portion of the match with Maven-themed offense (Dropicks!), but Hornswaggle stabs him in the knee and then smacks him in the balls with a toaster. Foley is so impressed with Hornswaggle’s mastery of Hardcore wrestling, that he forgets to call for the DQ and instead awards him the match.

Backstage, Triple H is wearing a nametag that says “God.”

Triple H: Get it? It’s my costume!

Todd Grisham: Oh, I get it, all right.

HHH: And who are you supposed to be? Old Todd Grisham?

Grisham: Dr. Spock! Dr. Benjamin Spock!

HHH: Oh! Right! Hey, beam me up, Scotty!

Grisham: First, I’m Spock, not Scotty. Secondly, that’s not even the RIGHT Spock! Third, Kirk never ever even said that line!

HHH: Whatever you say, nerd!

Grisham: So you’re taking on Totally Not Jamal and Randy Orton tonight. What do you have to say about that?

HHH: Can you make your eyebrow do that thing? Like Rock used to do? Go on! Do the Vulcan eyebrow!

Grisham: I’m NOT THAT SPOCK!

Todd Grisham hits himself with a Vulcan Deathgrip. Todd Grisham has fallen.

HHH: Geez. Ooookay, Mr. Sensitive. Hey, Tough Enough Jessie, that’s a nice beggar costume you’ve got going on there.

Tough Enough Jessie: Beggar costume?! I didn’t even know it was Halloween! WAAAAAAH!

Paul London (w/ Brian Kendrick) vs. Lance Cade (w/ Trevor Murdoch)

London is dressed as a werewolf, apparently, while Kendrick is wearing a Triple H outfit. You’ll get Stephanie someday, little buddy. Cade, by the way, is wearing his Jeff Jarrett gear, so it’s pretty much just a lateral move for him. Cade takes Kendrick out with a guitar shot, and then hits London with a silver bullet for the win. After the match, The Highlanders (dressed as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum) come down and clear out the ring. This Dark Quickening thing has done wonders for their screen time. Before they can celebrate for too long, Spanky hits them both with the PEDIGREE TO THE HIGHLANDERS~!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and D.H. Smith vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool and Ken Kennedy

Philly loves them some Ken Kennedy. Costume time! Jeff Hardy is MVP, D.H. is Bruce Willis circa Die Hard, Carlito is Andre the French Giant, and Kennedy is Vince McMahon. Carlito and Kennedy wobble around the ring while Jeff calls his brother and yells at him and Smith just kind of stands there waiting for terrorism to happen. As fascinating as this all is, it’s not nearly as fascinating as the crowd which seems to be alternately excited about a Chris Jericho book singing, and the fact that Ken Kennedy is wearing a suit coat.

(ads)

Back in the ring now, D.H. is confused because he’s not clever enough to come up with any quips as Carlito is slowly punching him in the face, so he tags in Jeff. For his part, Jeff is not defending his second-tier title just like MVP. Lawler and Ross spend a few minutes arguing about whether Carlito or D.H. is going to end up being the more disappointing second generation superstar, though they finally agree on David Flair. Kennedy attempts to fire WWE RAW Referee Chat Patton, but when that fails, Jeff hits the Swanton on Carlito for the win.

(ads)

In the ring, Santino Marella is dressed as Tom Hanks with the AIDS.

Santino Marella: Oh-a No! I have-a the AIDS-a! I hope-a I don’t pass-a this on to Maria-a! But you-a know what is-a worse than having-a the AIDS-a? Watching The Condemned-a, with Stone-a Cold Steve-a Austin! I didn’t-a show up-a to Cyber Sunday-a because I wasn’t-a booked! But if-a I would’ve-a been, I would’ve-a given that bald-a guy a piece of my-a mind!

Suddenly, Santino dressed as Steve Austin appears on the Titan Tron.

Santino: What-a are you? Some-a kind of-a Val Venis-a?

Santino Austin: No! I’m-a Steve Austin-a! Austin 16:3 says-a I just whipped-a an ass!

Santino: I’m-a not even sure-a when to talk-a, because I taped-a that an hour-a ago!

Santino Austin: It’s-a ok! You can-a talk now-a!

Santino: I just-a wanted to say-a that you-a and I-a, Stone Cold-a-

Santino Austin: That’s-a right! I’m-a going to beat-a you like-a a giraffe!

Santino: In the immortal-a words of Ron-a Simmons, “Darn-a!”

Santino Austin: And that’s-a the bottom line-a, because I said-a “No!”

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): I can’t believe you got the AIDS! Where’d you get that from?

Santino: Oh, I don’t-a know! Let me ask-a your myriad last-a names!

Maria: I never neeped that Myriad! Ok…Maybe that once. But geez. I was 17! He had a car!

Santino: I-a forgive you-a!

Maria: Oh, hey, Steve Austin is going to be here next week!

Crowd: Boo! That’s not this week!

(ads)

On stage, Diva Search Brooke (dressed up as Brooke Brookington) and Diva Search Eve (dressed up as Diva Search Brooke) are on the stage.

Crowd: Boo! We hate your boobs!

Diva Search Eve: Due to the unexpected death of Todd Grisham who will be laid to rest in his Star Trek uniform just as he would’ve wanted, DIVA SEARCH 2007~! has been cancelled.

Crowd: Yay!

Diva Search Brooke: Really? Well, crap.

Diva Search Brooke leaves.

Diva Search Eve: Just kidding! Looks like I win!

DIVA SEARCH 2007~!

Save_Us.X29...What could it mean? X…is the 24th letter of the alphabet. Alphabits was a cereal. The Alphabits mascot used to be a wizard. The Washington Wizards play in Washington, D.C. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is from Washington D.C. There are 19 letters in “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” 19 + 24 + 29 = 72. Who was born in 1972? CHARLIE HAAS! Woah!!! It’s the debut of Charlie Haas!

Wait…what?

Randy Orton is heading down to the ring. Well…Good for him, you know?

(ads)

Randy Orton and Totally Not Jamal vs. Triple H

Triple H is sticking with “God,” while Orton is dressed as Lita, complete with a gigantic smudgy shoulder tattoo. Not Jamal is, for some reason, dressed as Jamal from Three Minute Warning. Do they even have Halloween in Deepest Darkest Samoa? Well…Looking at how fat Not Jamal is, I’m guessing the answer is “Yes, every day.” That’s probably why he wears make-up all the time. And why he’s always so pissed. Nobody ever gives him candy! Hunter should just give the dude a fun-sized Mars bar. Not Jamal would probably just leave. The action goes back and forth for a while until the heels finally take over. Before they can beat up God, though, Shawn Michaels prances out for the save.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: How does he prance in heels? I just cannot get over that.

William Regal: Just a little blood?

Vince: No! Wait! I’ve got it! I’m going to reunite DX next week! Yeah! That’s it!

Regal: What will that do for you?

Vince: Move some merchandise?

Regal: Glad to see you’ve got your head in the game, sir.

Meanwhile, in the ring, God and Jesus are posing together and pointing at their crotches, which is pretty much exactly how this show should end.

Next Week: DX! For one week only! Or…at least, until it’s convenient again! Plus, Chris Jericho doesn’t show up. And Stone Cold Steve Austin makes his way to the ring and whips Santino Marella like a government subsidized mule.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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