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RAW SATIRE    
Open Season on DX Membership 

January 4, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: It was all Hallows Eve…well…kind of, and everybody was in Costume. Thrill…as Vince McMahon wears an ugly yellow coat! Chill…as DIVA SEARCH 2007~! comes to an end! Will…Triple H and Shawn Michaels still be 2/3 of the Holy Trinity…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

DX is making their way to the ring. They’re not divinity tonight though. Just dudes in merchandise. Hunter is throwing out glowsticks like he’s Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels is shoving hats down his pants like he’s Randy Orton.

Triple H: Hollywood! Are…You…Ready?!

Shawn Michaels: Wait, I don’t have to do this for forever again, do I?

HHH: Nah, man. It’s just for tonight.

Shawn: Fantastic. I’m still saying Hail Marys from the last time. Ok, go on!

HHH: I said, ARE YOU….

Hornswoggle: Wait! Wait! Can I join DX?

HHH: X-Pac? Is that you?!

Shawn: We haven’t seen you since we shipped you off to Promises!

Hornswoggle: Uh…yeah. It’s me!

HHH: Did you…get bigger?

Horn-Pac: I got some lifts in my shoes, yo. Slice nugget. Represent!

Shawn: It sure sounds like him!

WWE Director of Wellness Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Director of Wellnes Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m comin’ to POINT AT MY CROTCH!

HHH: Oh, man! Billygunn! I didn’t know you got your doctorate!

Dr. The Boogeyman: You there! Bald one! If I say I am this…”Billygunn” will that facilitate the chopping of my crotch?

Shawn: Sure thing!

Billygunn: I’m The Billygunn, and I’m coming to suck youuuuu!

Horn-Pac: God, Billy, how many times do we have to tell you? Not in public!

HHH: Ok, this is getting weird. DX reunion! One night only…Let’s get ready to-

The Great Khali: IGHA JHPPOOPH DGES!

HHH: Hehehehe…heh…Heeeey, Chyna.

Shawn: Awk. Ward.

The Great Chyni: OOLGAN UMM DAKDAK!

Indian Eric Bischoff: The Great…Chyni would like to join your crotch chopping party.

Shawn: Wait a second, Eric Bischoff was never in DX!

Bischoff: I’m…The Road Dogg. For rizzle.

Horn-Pac: Mah nizzle!

HHH: Ok, great. That’s everybody!

In Florida….

Scott Hall: Kev! WWE’s doing a big reunion tonight! Hunter’s getting the band back together!

Kevin Nash: Scotty, for the last time, we were never in DX!

Hall: We weren’t?

Nash: No. And besides, we’ve got a TNA show to main event.

Hall: Heh. Awesome.

Nash: Scotty…It’s been six years. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped living on my couch?

Hall: I’m one step ahead of you. I’m renting that place down there.

Nash: Down where?

Hall: Down THERE!!

Nash: HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, though. Get off my couch.

Backstage….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Was I ever in DX?

Tough Enough Jessie: No, Dave, you weren’t.

Batista: Neither were YOU!

T.E. Jessie: You don’t have to rub it in! WAAAAAH!

In the ring….

Jonathan Coachman: Hold on a second! This segment has been going on way too long!

HHH: Which one is he?

Shawn: Unnecessary suit? Non-threatening mustache? Rick Rude?

Horn-Pac: Nah, he’s dead. Besides, he’s black! It’s obviously Mike Tyson!

Shawn: Don’t turn on me again, you bastard!

The Great Chyni: GGAAAH TOOVFT!

Indian Road Dogg: I don’t think that’s Tori. Even though he’d be just as ineffective. Stephanie McMahon was in there for a while, right?

HHH: Wow…She really does look different on TV. How’s it going, hun?

Billygunn: I’m The Billygunn and I’m suggesting we read the scriiiipt!

Shawn: Stop that. I don’t think reading the script is such a good idea. We’ve broken a lot of fourth walls over the years, but I feel like I should put up a token defense this time.

HHH: I’m already reading it. Hey! We win!

Shawn: Put that away! Wait, we do? How do you know?

HHH: Couldn’t resist skipping to the end. Ok. Blah blah…Kevin and Scott…Blah…”TOOVFT!”…It says here that that guy is “Jonathan, Coachman.” And we’re supposed to sic Chyna on him.

The Great Chyni leaves the ring and delivers one of her patented low blows to Coach.

HHH: Let’s get ready to SUCK IIIIIIIT!

HBK: I think it’s, like, midnight. Everybody who was ready to suck it earlier went home.

HHH: Oh. Wanna go have sex with a mannequin?

HBK: That’s how this whole mess started, remember?

(ads)

The stars are out tonight in Los Angeles. Ok…so it’s Tom Green and Luke Perry. Sorry! Everybody else is off filming their last movies! Geez.

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

I’ve just noticed that Kelly has a mysterious rack. Last week, she looked huge, but this week, there’s hardly any cleavage. It’s probably just the bra or something. What, do you want me to recap the match or something? Didn’t you just read that hour long DX interview I had to transcript? What do you mean, “No?” It was too long so you just skipped to the next segment? Yeah, well you better go back and read it. What match? Oh, that one? It ended about ten minutes ago when Beth OBJECTED! to Kelly being on the wrong show.

Backstage….

Santino Marella: I can’t-a believe this-a! The wrestlers-a! They go-a on strike-a! Now how-a am I supposed-a finish my feud-a with Stone-a Cold Steve-a Austin?!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Ummm…Santino? The wrestlers aren’t on strike. The writers are. We don’t have a union!

Vince McMahon: You got that right!

Santino: Maria-a! Then who’s-a running the show-a?!

Maria: I DON’T KNOW! Hold me!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Joey Josephus

Carlito Caribbean Cool: The writers are on strike, so I’m just gonna take a week off if that’s cool with everybody?

Joey Josephus vs. Abe Orton

Abe comes out like a man afire. Seriously though, I wonder how that bacne would light up. It’s probably a good thing he’s not still feuding with Kane. Speaking of which, if we’re going to blur the lines of the brands tonight, would it have killed them to throw a little more Kane my way? Geez. Anyway, Cousin Abe beats the crap out of Joey for about ten seconds and gets the win. After the match, Carlito is eating an apple, and Abe gets pissed because there’s dozens of writers out there right now who aren’t eating apples because they’re so poor. So he stabs Carlito with a pen.

Jeff Hardy gets his own video package. It’s basically ten minutes of him falling off stuff, which sums it all up pretty well. Backstage….

Jeff Hardy:

Little demon
Why do you haunt
My locker room?
Are you here
To steal my coffee cream?
Well don’t!
Because for me,
Black coffee is
2Xtreme!

Rey Misterio: Are you talking to me, holmes?

Hardy: Sherlock Holmes is here? Our arch nemesis! I better call Matt on the Hardy Boyz phone!

Misterio: This tin can?

Hardy: He cut our line! We’re going to die, little demon! If only Imagi were here to save us!

Misterio: This is why I’m glad I’m slumming it on Smackdown.

(ads)

Ken Kennedy: KENNEDY! Sorry, folks, but that’s all that we’ve got in the budget for this week.

Ken Kennedy and Fit Finlay vs. Rey Misterio and Jeff Hardy

They explain this off as a way of promoting Survivor Series, where these four will be fighting as part of a larger Survivor Series-type match. I love those things, so I’ll give them a pass on this one. The highlight of the first part of the match is Jeff slapping Finlay, and then diving away. Oh, Jeff…So brave. Kennedy and Finlay actually clear out Misterio and Hardy, but then they have a staredown with each other. I’m not sure why they’re teasing dissention in this particular tag team, but I love it. Finlay vs. Kennedy at Wrestlemania. Book it.

(ads)

When we come back, Rey has control of the match. Just as he’s about to do another backflip, however, Kennedy kicks him in the knees. Well, let’s face it, Rey’s getting kind of old to still be doing backflips for his primary offense. Jeff and Rey get the match back on track again, however, and after Rey hits the 619 on Kennedy, Jeff gets a Swanton, and the match is over. Everyone cheers because there’s nothing they like better in L.A. than guys with green hair and midgets in leather masks. That’s actually a column in the L.A. Times.

Backstage….

Santino Marella: I’m-a talking on-a my phone-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Who are you talking to?

Marella: Your mom-a! Hahahahahaha-a, Santino just-a kids with you-a. I’m not-a talking on-a my phone-a at all-a!

Maria: You’re strange. I was just going to tell you that Stone Cold is here.

Marella: Damn that Val-a Venis! Always-a to be interfering-a with my plans-a!

Maria: I meant Steve Austin.

Marella: Who?

(ads)

People waited ALL night to watch Randy Orton wrestle at Wrestlemania this year. I told you he was a draw!

Santino Marella comes down to the ring with Maria.

Santino Marella: I’m-a here to talk-a about things-a! If you-a think about it-a, Stone Cold-a Steve Austin-a is just like-a the city of Los-a Angeles! After all-a, he doesn’t-a have a football-a team either! But-a enough of-a the cheap-a heat! After all-a, we all know-a why I came-a out here tonight-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): To get Stunnered and then soaked in beer?

Marella: No! Where-a did you hear-a that?

Maria: Hunter let me see the script.

Marella: Actually-a, I came-a out here to-a make fun-a of the director of-a The Condemned-a! Scott Whiper! He’s-a in the front-a row!

Scott Whiper: I really don’t see how saying bad things about me or the movie helps sell the movie.

Marella: I don’t-a see why-a you can’t-a give the writer-a a bigger cut-a of the DVD sale-a! That monkey-a worked really hard-a writing that-a script! The extra five-a bucks could-a buy him a whole-a bag of bananas-a!

Howler Monkey: True that! That’s all you’re getting though. Because I’m on strike.

Marella: I don’t-a think Stone-a Cold is coming-a out here tonight-a! Otherwise, he wouldn’t-a have let-a this segment go this-a long. I guess-a I just opened-a a can of whipped-a ass on-a him! Sorry, J.R.-a.

Glass Shatters.

Jim Ross: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! BY GAWD STONE COLD!

Howler Monkey: Oooh, hey! Sorry about that, old bean. I was trying to throw that beer bottle at Lawler.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Marella: Oh, my-a gosh! Stone-a Cold! I’m-a your biggest fan-a! I have all-a your albums-a!

Austin: You know, Santino, I’ve been sitting at home not watching wrestling for the past eight months, so I have no idea who you are. But it says in this script here that Ol’ Stone Cold opens up a can of whipped ass on you! If you want to see ol’ Stone Cold spread some ass whip, give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Crowd: Umm…sure?

Austin: What?

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

Austin: That’s what I thought! But, to tell the truth, I don’t like wasting my time beating up people I’ve never heard of. I’d rather just get hammered. Santino, do you want to get hammered with me?

Marella: No-a way! Have-a you seen-a that guy lately-a? He’s wrestling-a in a backyard federation-a! I don’t-a want to be-a The Hammer!

Austin: And that’s the Valentine, ‘cuz Stone Cold Says So!

Marella: But to answer-a your next-a question, I will-a not watch-a The Condemned-a with you-a!

Austin: That’s ok, ‘cuz that movie sucked!

Whiper: Hey!

Then, Austin drags a beer truck out from under the ring and hoses Santino, Maria, J.R., Lawler, the Howler Monkey, Whiper, and rows 1-18 down with beer. Sadly, Santino doesn’t do a little “I’m getting sprayed by beer!” dance like Vince did, but he does take a STUNNER STUNNER AUSTIN WITH THE STUNNER!

(ads)

Save_Us, huh? The Code is the Answer. The Answer is The Code! Tom Hanks is coming to RAW to avert the strike! With the AIDS!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: I have no idea what’s going on here tonight.

Hornswoggle: Well…have you read the script?

Vince: Nah. I don’t have time to read things. I’m a man of action, Howdydoody. Which brings me to my next point. I’m getting tired of this whole father/son chat segment. I’ve got better segments to be involved in, and quite frankly, it’s a waste of your considerable hiding talents. So at Survivor Series, I want you to become a man of action. Namely, the action of getting the crap beaten out of you by The Great Khali.

Hornswoggle: Well, that blows. I was supposed to be in the company for life after this angle!

Vince: Yeah. Thems the breaks.

The Great Khali: AHAHA! BUMPHLACHOODA!

Hornswoggle: Just remember, dude, I’m just the right high to bite your balls off during the middle of the match.

Khali: AAAAAAAAH!

Hornswoggle: Yeah. Think about that one!

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Shawn, look at this one. All it says here is “DX wastes more time.” What’s that suppose to mean? What do we do?

Shawn Michaels: Would you put that thing away? How am I supposed to know what to do? Do you want to go…try on tank tops or something?

HHH: Nah. Why don’t we get some strippers?

Big Dick Johnson: This is where I normally appear and do a naked dance whilst spraying baby oil all over everyone, but I’m on strike.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: You know, I’ve had just about enough of this crap. The scripts floating around, the admittance that RAW has a writing staff, the fourth wall is not meant to be shattered in such a way. You two are a menace that needs to be stopped!

Shawn: It was all Hunter’s idea! He’s the menace!

HHH: Shaaaaaawn….

Voice of Taker: No! I’m not letting you off that easy! You’re guilty by association!

Shawn: Damn. They always get me for that.

Voice of Taker: And your punishment for such flippant disregard for the fragility of the reality spectrum of this business is-

HHH: Taker, look! Playboy Playmates!

Voice of Taker: Oooh, where?

HHH: Run, Shawn!

DX runs off.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Has anybody seen a clavicle around here? I think I broke mine, and I need it to hold up my boobs.

Torrie Wilson: I think I have one of Billy’s old ones, if you wait here, I’ll check my bag.

Boobsie: Ew, gross. Never mind.

Voice of Taker: DAMN YOU, DX!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes (w/ Bob Holly) vs. Trevor Murdoch (w/ Lance Cade)

Backstage, Alexis Laree compliments Murdoch’s facial hair. Aw. It’s a match made in TV heaven. Cade is, of course, still trying to cockblock. Some wingman he makes. Geez. Seeing Cody out here tonight reminds me that Dog Hound Smith already got suspended. Yeah, that Hart Foundation: The Next Generation angle would’ve gone awesome. Lillian has no idea who’s even in this match. Gotta love that. Cody wins the match with the roll-up and gets on the mic and yells that he’s glad that the writers are on strike because it means more reality shows, and everyone in the crowd cheers. More work for the out of work actors! Cody frowns. Turning heel is hard work.

R.I.P. Fabulous Moolah. Seriously. I hope you’re getting into some wacky hijinx in the hereafter.

(ads)

In the crowd? ZZ Top (of course) and Jamie Kennedy. Where’s Stu Stone?

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Duggan and Crazy try to get their chant over before the match. Somehow, I don’t think “HoSi” is going to go anywhere. I appreciate the effort in attempting to make a tag team, but somehow I don’t know if “Who are the two most out of shape guys on the RAW roster” is the right criteria for picking. Shelton makes fun of Crazy and Duggan’s lack of tag team consistency, when Crazy points out that, according to the script, he and Hacksaw win. Haas and Benjamin run away in tears. Count out!

(ads)

Totally Not Jamal and Randy Orton vs. DX

Not Jamal and Orton didn’t have a promo tonight, of course, because writing for them is a complicated business. I love how the announcers try to sell that Not Jamal picked his Survivor Series team. How’d that conversation go?

Totally Not Jamal: AHOOOTAH! NAAAMAAJI!

Montel Vontavious Porter: Who did what now?

Not Jamal: GOOLLAT! IJIBUATU!

MVP: Man, I don’t even know how to respond to that.

Then Not Jamal pokes him in the eye and drags him into his van. He’s lucky he didn’t end up with Howard Finkle and Shannon Moore on his team.

(ads)

When we come back, Not Jamal and Triple H are fighting over the script, while Orton is moping around in the corner that he’s about to lose another match. I don’t know what they’re so uppity about. Randy and Not Jamal can’t even read, for Pete’s sake, they don’t need to follow the script! Triple H takes a Thumb to the Eye, but he can’t join the Survivor Series team. Orton comes in to try to talk Hunter into falling over, but Shawn intercepts him with a SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! HHH rolls into a cover, and that’s the match. I guess the script was right after all!

Next Week: The Voice of the Undertaker forces Shawn Michaels to dress like a boy. Also, Hornswoggle checks out of Promises…again. And I’m going on strike! You hear me, Scaia? I want a bigger cut of the Satire DVD Sales!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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