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RAW SATIRE    
Totally Not Predictable~! 

November 25, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Did you miss me?

Last Week: Hell…I don’t remember. Like, fifteen people tried to join DX but then they all got crushed when the DX Bus exploded. The writers went on strike, which meant that everybody got to write their own script. And Totally Not Jamal found a new best friend in Randy Orton. Who will be his new best friend…TONIGHT?!
 

(Opening Credits)

Whoa, it’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson”! Back from the dead (or possibly Smackdown!). What’s the haps, Dave?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: It is good to be on TELEVISION! William Regal told me to come to RAW! I hope I see my best friend HUNTER! I am really

looking forward to SUNDAY! I get to wrestle in a CAGE! Where weapons are not only allowed they are my FAVORITE! I also like RABBITS! And some small LIZARDS!

William Regal: Will you get to the point, already?

Batista: I like your HAIR!

Regal: Oh, well, thank you! Right…uh…what’d I come out here to announce again?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

Oooh, tough break facing off against the World Champion and the immortal zombie forever searching the world for its voice. If he really wants to find Taker’s Voice, he should come on wing night. There’s no doubt the Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker loves him some spicy chicken wings. Anyway, Cade and Murdoch may be the tag team champions but…wait…are they? Really? Wow. Right, well, whatever. So Dave hits the Osprey Bomb and the Body of Taker hits Murdoch over the head with a tombstone, and that’s enough for this one.

(ads)

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Beth Phoenix
For the WWE Women’s Title

Beth looks like she hasn’t had a good legal rampage in a long time. I’m just saying. And is it me or is she slowly fusing the DNA of Jillian Hall and Molly Holly right there inside her body? She’s like a weird science experiment. I’ll leave all the “I’d probe it” jokes to you guys, because, quite frankly, she kind of scares me. And I don’t think it’s her overacting or her man jaw. Beth just goes ahead and throws Maria through the ceiling. At least she has a good sense of time about her.

Santino Marella stalks down to the ring. Nice of you to make it, dude.

Santino Marella: Thank-a you! It’s-a nice to be here-a! I’m-a ticked off-a because last-a week, I got-a the beer bath-a from Stone-a Cold Steve-a Austin and I don’t-a like all the carbs in-a the beer!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): L’il help here?

Marella: I don’t-a have time for that-a! I’ve-a got to insult-a Jim Ross-a! How-a dare you be-a so fat and out-a of shape-a?! And you-a go on this-a show and you talk-a about Puppies-a and ignore-a the women’s matches-a?!

Jim Ross: I believe you’re thinking of Jerry Lawler.

Marella: The telethon-a guy?

Jerry Lawler: Save a boob today folks! Dial 1-800-5-PUPPIES!!!

Marella: A worthy-a cause if I ever-a heard one-a!

Then, Lawler punches Santino. Must be time for our Yearly Announcer Feud (brought to you by Sprint).

(ads)

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: I don’t get it. What the hell are all these Smackdown people doing here? And why is the Undertaker’s body on the show, but not his voice?

Santino Marella: Who the hell-a do I look-a like? Some-a kind of gypsy-a? I can’t-a tell you-a why things-a happen around-a here, Todd! Some-a times they just-a do!

Grisham: Like you ending up in a feud with a 80 year old man that you’ll somehow manage to lose?

Marella: Exactly like-a that! Hey, wait-a! I’ma not goona lose-a to no Jerry Lawler-a!

Grisham: Whatever you say, champ. Hey, I think I might know who can solve my conundrum.

Marella: Yes, I’ma gonna beat Jerry Lawler-a like that guy from-a Taxi! Danny-a Devito!

Apparently, last week, William Regal and Randy Orton had the following discussion:

Randy Orton: Billion Weebles?! Billion Weebles!

William Regal: Oh, yes. This should be pleasant.

Orton: I’ve been getting kickered in the faze a lot largely, and I was thinkening that this was not being very gourd for my menial health!

Regal: Clearly not.

Orton: So what if we start what we finished, Mr. Weeble, and made Shane McMahon not kick me in the head with his patterned Super Kid at the Surprise or Series Pay Per Dude?

Regal: I’m sure at least…parts…of that last sentence can be arranged. But, in exchange, you must promise not to get yourself disqualified, or I’ll have to strip you of that Spinin’ World Title!

Orton: I love you Conditioner Weeble!

Regal: Yes, yes.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, Matt Hardy is standing around backstage. Can’t he do that at his own show?

(ads)

Survivor Series Memories: The Gobbledy Gooker adds to the Guerrero Family Legacy.

The Hardy Boyz and Rey Misterio vs. Mister Kennedy, Montel Vontavious Porter and Fit Finlay

Well, this is dumb. I don’t even know who half these people are. I do have to admit that the heel time kind of rocks though. How pissed do you suppose Jericho is that he’s missing THIS hot action for another week? He’s missing being a part of Team Flippy! I guess all these guys are in a Survivor Series match against each other, which makes this match make a lot more sense. The team is captained by Triple H, so suddenly I’m thinking Jericho probably isn’t missing much. Except Hunter looking agape and saying, “You got HOW much smaller?”

(ads)

Suprisingly, the match is still going on after the break. Of course, it’s not that surprising, but just once I’d like WWE to pull that and be all, “Oh, and during the break, Jeff Hardy beat Finlay. Thanks for watching!” Remember when the Hardy Boyz were teaming again for “One Night Only”? And then they ended up every night for like, four months? I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’ve been too swamped with work and sick to do Satires for two weeks and now I’m trying to pump out two in one day, but you all are getting the Idiosyncrasies of WWE Booking lesson from me this week. Sorry. Misterio hits MVP with the 619 and Jeff hits the Swanton for the win, thus saving everybody’s feuds for December sweeps.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around. Dammit, Vince! You’ve been doing this for longer than anybody! Learn your arena layouts!

Save_Us? Break_The_Walls? What could it mean?

Shockmaster: Only one thing, baby!

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, I retired from wall building though.

(ads)

Now, back to the ring.

Vince McMahon: It is my honor and privilege to moderate this…erm…Debate tonight, between Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels, gentlemen, thank you for coming out here tonight.

Randy Orton: Psst! Shane!

Shawn Michaels: I can only assume that by “Shane” you mean me. What do you want?

Orton: Don’t get me throng, I really appropriate you bringing me here tonight on our debate, but why is Vance here too?

Shawn: Randy, every time I hear you talk, the fact that I’ve lost to you as many times as I have makes me die a little on the inside.

Orton: That’s not a terry good pitch-up line, Shane.

Vince: This is what you get for yelling at me.

Shawn: So I can’t use the Superkick, huh, Randy? I guess maybe I’ll have to go for another move! The Teardrop Suplex, maybe! Oh, or how about a submission hold! I don’t know any of those, do I? Like say…The Sharpshooter? That’s a good submission hold, right?

Orton: That’s a little badger. Try askering me what my sigh is! Or tell me that if you could disarray the alphabits, you would tell Stu and Ice to gather!

Shawn: Umm…Touche?

Vince: Orton Wins!

After the…match…Randy attacks the still befuddled HBK. He goes for the kick to the head, but Vince tells him to save that for a PPV that means something, so he settles for gently tapping Michaels on the shoulder, which sends the already woozy Shawn down. Orton wins again!

(ads)

Layla El, Jillian Hall and Melina vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool and Alexis Laree

Another Survivor Series preview! And at least they go tall the girls who know how to wrestle in this match! In case you’re not up on the latest net gossip, Brooke Brookington was fired because nobody knew who she was, so the Kelly/Layla feud is now for 100% control of The Miz’ contract. I could’ve sworn that somebody would have to pull that out of Trishelle’s cold dead hands. I don’t even know what that means. I’m sorry. The finish of the match is Alexis totally making out with Layla and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan spontaneously combusting.

(ads)

Survivor Series Series Memoires: 1997, the year Goldust turned on Vader.

Backstage, Abe Orton is waxing his eyebrows.

Jerry “” Lawler vs. Santino Marella

Lawler is wrestling in his “street clothes” which somehow consists of his normal wrestling gear anyway. Could you imagine living in that world? Where you constantly feel like you have to run around in your underwear or a singlet just in case you have to wrestle? Actually, you probably do that anyway. Marella somehow manages to have a decent match with Jerry, by basically just punching him in the forehead for an hour. Tazz should’ve tried that. Marella implores Jim Ross to actually pay attention to the match instead of pitching BBQ sauce, and Lawler rolls him up for the win. A thrilling start to this feud.

(ads)

Save_Us?! What does it MEAN?! Y+X=1? 2=2, 8=J?! YOU TOLD ME THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY MATH!

Jeff Hardy: I’ve got it! Y…Why?! The RAW debut of Peroxwhy?gen!

Matt Hardy: Jeff, don’t be stupid.

Nattie Neidhart: Wait, they’re not going to put me in a mask and call me “Why” are they?

The Great Coachi (w/ Tough Enough Eric Bischoff) vs. Hornswaggle (w/ William Regal)
In a Training Match

William Regal: Right, then. Hairyknuckles here needs help training before his big Survivor Series match! So, Coach, pretend you’re the great Khali!

Coach ambles around the ring screaming and acting like he can’t wrestle.

Regal: Excellent. Really spot on. Now, Indian Eric Bischoff! You say something not entirely threatening!

Tough Enough Eric Bischoff: I don’t look like a boy! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Regal: Perfect! Now, Hoolihan, take him down!

Hornswaggle nails Coachi in the face with a chair and then stabs him in the thigh with a shard of glass.

Regal: Well…we’ll have to work on that one.

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I have to ask you, what’s the deal with all these Smackdown people here tonight? And the Body of the Undertaker showing up without the Voice again? I’ve got a feeling you’re behind this, you bastard!

Triple H: Todd, I don’t have time to be an evil genius right now. I’m too busy playing Mass Effect.

Grisham: You’re playing a video game instead of paying attention to what’s going on around here?

HHH: Yes. And quite frankly, Todd, I’m a better person for it.

Grisham: I don’t even know what to say.

HHH: I do! Check out the hooters on that blue chick!

Todd Grisham goes into a rage, ejecting the disc and putting in a copy of WWE Smackdown Vs RAW 2008. Todd plays five seconds of the game, and immediately dies of boredom. Todd Grisham has fallen.

HHH: Well…that sucked.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Is it time to play Q*BERT?!

HHH: Oh, maybe later, li’l buddy. I’ve got a match next.

Batista: You are the best friend EVER!

HHH: I don’t-

Batista: EVER!

HHH: Ooook, then.

Q*Bert: #%&@!

(ads)

Survivor Series Memories: Remember when Rikishi accidentally ran over Steve Austin for the good of The Rock, and then Big Show ended up eating ten people and winning the WWF Title? Well, this Survivor Series Memory is about Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to Jeff Jarrett. Take THAT TNA!

Triple H vs. Totally Not Jamal
In a Lumberjack Match

The Lumberjacks are the Hardyz, Kane, Rey, Kennedy, Big Daddy V, Finlay, and MVP, so I expect this to go smoothly. Triple H immediately starts punching Not Jamal in the head. Woah…HHH must be more messed up than I thought. You’d think a guy with a wrestling IQ as high as his would know better than to try to punch a Samoan in the head. Sure enough, Not Jamal just starts head butting Hunter’s fists. Meanwhile, all of the lumberjacks are outside the ring trying to convince Jeff Hardy that the Save_Us ads aren’t for Peroxwhy?gen after all, and debating the relative benefits of Nattie Neidhart working under a mask.

(ads)

When we come back, we’re treated to a comforting shot of Kane’s nostrils. Man, I’ve missed that guy. The Satire definitely needed some more Kane this week. Hunter goes for the PEDIGREE TO NOT JAMAL, but he blocks it. Even if he hit it, would that really work on a guy from Deepest Darkest Samoa? Those guys give each other Pedigrees just to say hello. Or that’s what I heard anyway. On…The Discovery Channel. It was Lame Wrestling Gimmicks Week. You guys should’ve seen that Mythbusters where they tried to prove that X-Pac couldn’t exist, and then Kari Byron wrestles herself in a bowl full of pudding. Um…anyway, the lumberjacks all jump in the ring and start brawling, so that’s the end of the match. Couldn’t have predicted that one!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Shawn Michaels attempts and fails to beat Randy Orton by whipping him with a tank top. Team Triple H defeats Team Totally Not Jamal 103-99 in a charity basketball game. And Edge returns. Much to the delight of skanky hoes everywhere.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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