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RAW SATIRE    
Jericho's 2nd Coming, Carlito's 1st Leaving 

November 25, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Edge returned and immediately bailed out on his friendship with Randy Orton. Speaking of that strapping young lad, Mr. Orton defeated Shawn Michaels when Shawn was disqualified for dropping a Benoit reference in the middle of a match. Also Triple H let Jeff Hardy win a match because he’s totally giving and compassionate.
 
Somewhere…Some guy is running. That’s pretty awesome.

(Opening Credits)

Shawn Michaels prances out to the ring. He’s got a DVD coming out, you know.

Shawn Michaels: I know what you’re all thinking, but I’m not out here to talk about my DVD tonight. Essentially, I figure my very appearance will do enough for

that. Instead, I’d like to congratulate Rand Orton. Locking in the Crippler Crossface was probably not the best move of my illustrious career, which is chronicled in Heartbreak and Triumph the new DVD available at the WWE Shop website. So Randy, come on down here so I can shake your hand.

Orton appears on the Titantron.

Randy Orton: Shane McMahon! You may think I’m drum, but I knower that if I go to that verily wing, you will just Supper Chick me right in the faze! Just like every otter times!

Shawn Michaels: Woe is the day I’m outsmarted by Randy Orton.

Orton: Yes, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, am much smarterer than the advantage bore!

Michaels: You can say that again! And that runner guy, running the torch from Miami to Fort Lauderdale? In less than two hours? Brilliant strategy!

Orton: I worked out the logtastics of that myself!

Ken Kennedy comes out to the ring.

Ken Kennedy: And while Randy Orton may be forever known as the biggest idiot ever to appear on a pro wrestling show, you, Shawn Michaels will be forever remembered for losing a bunch of matches.

Michaels: Many of which can be seen on my new DVD!

Kennedy: The one available next week on WWE Shop?

Michaels: That’s the one!

Kennedy: I need to lose some more matches to put on my future DVD!

Michaels: I’ll help you fix that!

William Regal: Let it be written! Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy tonight, to help Mr. Kennedy fill out some DVD listings in the future!

Kennedy: DVD!

(ads)

Ken Kennedy vs. Shawn Michaels

They’re fighting outside the ring to start so the match hasn’t even started yet. Shawn rams Kennedy’s head into the announce table, which is pretty neat. Maybe they can use it in the intro to his DVD. Mr. Kennedy: I Got Hit In the Head. Kennedy goes out and grabs a chair, and Shawn Superkicks it back into his face. Well…ok then. That’s an inauspicious start to this feud, isn’t it? Shawn prances away, so Ken didn’t even get a chance to lose this match. Poor guy.

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Jerry “” Lawler

This is, of course, a continuation of the feud from last week. Lawler is wearing his “Ring Gear” this week, which is different from normal mostly insofar as that his ring gear is more bedazzled. Santino dominates Lawler for most of the match, so he decides to sit down next to J.R. and provide some color. Notably that Jerry is being beaten, “Like-a the government mud-a pie!” and “At least I’m-a better than-a Lita!” When Santino comes back into the ring, however, Lawler hits him with a roll-up. That’s his move! Lawler is too tired to celebrate after the match and he falls over. ORTON WINS!

Randy Orton: I totally killered the Legend of whomever those two guides were! Now for an RKO Updraft, here’s my run man!

Elsewhere….

Randy Orton’s Run Man: Umm…Am I seriously supposed to run to Miami in two hours? You guys are nuts. I’m stopping for pizza.

(ads)

Randy Orton’s Run Man is in line at Pizza Hut.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ken Kennedy.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Ken Kennedy, and Ken, I’ve got to ask you, what’s the deal with going out there tonight? Surely you realized that it was going to end with you getting kicked in the face?

Kennedy: Todd, pure and simple, it was all about showing Shawn Michaels a little respect and getting a good clip for my DVD reel.

Grisham: But you didn’t show Shawn any respect, you getting kicked in the face won’t really work for your DVD, and what makes you think you’ve done enough whatever it is you do to get a DVD anyway?

Kennedy: Todd, I don’t like to get myself bogged down in “reality,” ok? So, I’d prefer it if you don’t make fun of my master plan on national TV.

Grisham: Fine. Whatever. Go ahead and cut your promo about Father Time or whatever you wanted to talk about tonight.

Kennedy: Nah. I’ve got to come up with something more DVD worthy now. I’m going to go grab some pumpkin pie and dream up some Extras.

Grisham: Oh, I’ve got a DVD Extra for you!

Todd Grisham grabs a DVD and uses it to slice himself in two. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kennedy: EXTRAS!

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: So what part of Survivor Series did you guys like best?

William Regal: The fact that I got paid to be there and didn’t have to pay to watch it?

Jonathan Coachman: My favorite part was the meatloaf in catering.

Vince: So you all didn’t enjoy The Great Khali and his match with my son Hurley?

Regal: Not really, no.

Coach: That was pretty much the worst thing of the night.

Regal: Except when Finlay came out! Way to get continuity all over yourself, Mr. McMahon!

Coach: Yeah, good thing those writers went on strike or that never would have happened!

Vince: Well…I liked the match. *sigh*

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Vince: Do you still work here?

Coach: This segment is for big people. You go back to Internet Heat.

Carlito: Aww, come on! I’m growing my hair out again! I’m down!

Vince: Fine. Then you can wrestle and lose to Hedgwig tonight!

Carlito: Whatever keeps me employed at this point!

Regal: I take that back. My favorite part of Survivor Series was when Shawn Michaels Superkicked Shaq.

Coach: That didn’t happen.

Regal: Oh. Never mind then.

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy is walking to the ring. Good for him!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal

This is not for the Intercontinental Title, lest we drag that belt into this particular feud. The basis match stems from Not Jamal being super pissed that Triple H didn’t even care enough to make the pin himself last night, leaving Jeff to clean up his scraps. Jeff is in his Peroxwhy?gen T-Shirt, getting ready for their big RAW debut tonight when the Save_Us countdown runs out. I really hope the countdown runs out, and it just starts another countdown. Crack that code, bitches! The story of the match so far is Not Jamal throwing Jeff around.

(ads)

When we come back, Not Jamal is throwing Jeff Hardy around. Well…points for variety. Not Jamal locks in the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Booyah. Next up he’s going to try the Mind Meld. Then he’ll start blathering to everyone backstage about Imagi in Samoan. If that wasn’t so close to what actually happened with Suga Rosey and The Hurricane, I’d actually think that’d be pretty awesome. Abe Orton runs out to put a premature end to this match. He and Not Jamal beat up Jeff for a few minutes, but Triple H runs down for the save. Oh My God. Did Hunter and Stephanie break up? He’s not seriously tagging with Jeff to feud with Abe Orton, is he? Hahahaha. Awesome. Feud of the year!

The torch run guy is enjoying a slice of sausage.

Save_Us! Right this instant, young man!

(ads)

Backstage….

Triple H: Aren’t you going to say thanks?

Jeff Hardy: You’re the reason I look and act the way I do.

HHH: Ouch, man. That hurts. Now where’s Todd Grisham so I can make fun of him?

Hardy: He died earlier.

HHH: Oh. Darn. I was going to make fun of him for trying to pick up that Transvestite.

Hardy: You mean Chyna?

HHH: I’m really going to regret saving you, aren’t I?

Hardy: No, you’re really going to regret trying to get Stephanie to sell Aurora Borealis to that circus. Teaming with me is just the icing on the cake.

HHH: Shouldn’t you be building a volcano and writing awful poetry right now? And shouldn’t I be saying how I’m a big badass?

Hardy: Just let me have my moment.

Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes

Oh, you two. Can’t you just learn to love? The action is back and forth for literally twelve or thirteen amazing seconds before Hardcore Holly hits a dropkick on Cody. He goes for the Alabama Slam, but Cody blocks it and rolls Holly up for the win. Well, I’m glad that feud went as long as it did. After the match, Cody is pissed because the crowd is cheering him. Beating up Bob Holly is no way to turn heel, kid. Cody is so overcome with grief that he passes out and falls over. Orton wins!!

Randy Orton: Take that again, Corky Romano! Now, let us checker in to my Torch Run Guy to see how close he is to San Peppermill!

The run guy is enjoying a refreshing drink of soda. Meanwhile, Bob Holly can’t believe he lost, so he passes out too. Orton wins again!

(ads)

Here’s a Randy Orton Tribute Package. HEY!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Well…I mean…I liked Survivor Series.

Fit Finlay: Me too.

Vince: You don’t belong on this show!

Finlay: Yeah. I sorta got hammered and forgot what day it was.

Vince: I get that. I’m drunk too. So why did you interfere in Househlaluu’s match last night?

Finlay: Do you really have to ask? I was so drunk I thought it was few months ago.

Vince: That actually…Makes sense. Yeah. So, hey, I’m Irish too. Do you want to be friends?

Finlay: Not really, no.

Vince: What is with you people?

Backstage, Alexis Laree is giving kilt making advice to Maria.

(ads)

Ric Flair is coming back next week, no doubt to let us know that he’s already fired.

In the ring….

Jillian Hall: Hey Yo, Boston!

Crowd: Close enough!

Jillian: I hear Jon Secada is in the audience tonight.

And so he is! That’s…I don’t really put two and two together there, you know?

Jillian: Are you having a good time, Jon?

Jon Secada: Not really, no.

Jillian: But you’re here to support Lillian and her new album, right?

Secada: Who?

Jillian: Lillian? Garcia? You sang on her new album?

Secada: I did? Geez. Remind me to call my agent.

Jillian: Would you like to hear me sing?

Secada: Actually, I’m just here to get RKOd.

Randy Orton: Sorry, Jim Sorgi, you’re not annul of a Lemon for me to Legend Kill.

Secada: I hate you all.

Jillian: Ice Ice Baaaaabyyy!

Jillian Hall and Melina vs. Alexis Laree and Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)

Jillian starts randomly running at things and eventually knocks everybody including Melina out, and then she jumps off the top rope and lands on her head. Well…Right then. That was pretty cool. Maria runs off to chase Jon Secada out of the show, so it’s down to Alexis versus Jillian in the ring. Jillian tries some other moves, but none of them really work, so Alexis just puts her out of her misery by making out with her. Alexis wins! This is the women’s match of the year.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Hornswoggle
No DQ

Carlito is extremely happy that this match is no DQ, because now he can explain away the loss he’s sure to suffer here tonight. He chases Hornswoggle around the ring for a bit, but ends up getting doused with a bucket of water. Thank God for Hornswoggle bringing back the Looney Tunes spots. I can’t wait for the inevitable Midget Season promo with Shane. Carlito goes for the world’s li’lest backcracker, but Finlay runs out and clubs him over the head with a shillelagh. WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda calls for the DQ. But I thought this was…You know, never mind. I don’t care. After the match, Hornswoggle spits potato at Carlito. Back to Internet Heat with you!

The Run Guy is in the bathroom.

(ads)

In the ring….

Randy Orton: It’s time to start what I finished earlier here tonight, when I set my run guy out from Myanmar to Saint Prussiaberg. Some of you said it couldn’t be donered in an hour, and you were white! It couldn’t not! That’s why I had the forth sight and the obscurational powder to spike the run guy’s drink with a fourth years old can of Stalker 2 YJStinker! He should be arriving to the billing any minute. Then he will pass that PWTouch to me so I can be declaridated the best WUV Champagne of all times!

Sure enough, the runner sips his Dr. Pepper, gags at the taste of four year old energy drink, and is whisked away by a swarm of bees. Once he arrives at the arena, however, he is immediately gored by Mantaur, who has come to Save the WWE. Mantaur is immediately mobbed by the members of Peroxwhy?gen, minus Shannon Moore who couldn’t get the day off from kickball. Peroxwhy?gen starts to head to the ring to play their big set when they are accidentally run over by a golf cart wielding Nattie Neidhart who can’t see through her mask. Honkey Tonk Man appears from behind a curtain, because, hey why not, but he’s taken out by The Shockmaster breaking the wall down behind him. Rob Van Dam delivers a flying kick to Shockmaster for breaking down the wall. RVD figures he might as well save the WWE whilst he’s at it, but he gets mowed down by Friar Ferguson who figures that if anybody is going to be doing any saving around here, it should be him. The good Friar almost makes it all the way out on stage, but he’s interrupted by Sid who figured that this all must be referring to his impending return. Unfortunately, Sid breaks his leg on the way to the ramp, so the WWE had to go with their back up plan.

Did you break the code? And if not, did you at least get your secret decoder ring? Those things are fantastic.

Chris Jericho: Welcome to…RAW is JERICHO!

Crowd: Wait…what?

Randy Orton: I call shillelaghgans! Chris Jericho has long hair and a less wormanly psychic!

Jericho: But…but…I’m the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah!

Orton: I don’t care what kind of sold phones you have!

Crowd: Nice wallet chain, Skippy!

Jericho: I’m here to save the WWE! From Randy Orton!

Crowd: Ok…YAY!

Jericho: I mean, it’s me! I’m Chris Jericho! The first undisputed champion and the second coming of Y2J!

Orton: 1877 called and it wants its catfish back! Besides, didn’t Erin Bitchoff fire you?

Jericho: Well, yes. But now my band broke up, I lost my radio deal, and that Sci-Fi Channel movie and play never went anywhere. So I’m BACK, baby! And this will be the WWE run that you never…Eeeeeeeeeeeeeever, forget…AGAYN!

Orton: Whom are you agayn?

Next Week: Triple H and Jeff Hardy take couples counseling from Bob Holly and Cody Rhodes. A Celebrity guest appearance by Fabio. And Chris Jericho and Randy Orton get in a catfight over the last shiny vest in wardrobe.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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