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RAW SATIRE    
Volcano Buddies 

December 6, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Chris Jericho returned to action, taking on a box of slightly melted Milk Duds. Also, Ric Flair made a triumphant comeback, only to be fired…sort of. And Triple H and Jeff Hardy were the awesomest, bestest friends ever. EVER! Who will be best friends…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho makes his way out to the ring. Well, at least he hasn’t forgotten how to do that!

Chris Jericho: Whew…does that ramp look longer to anyone else? Or is it just me? Aaaaanyway, Welcome to…RAW IS JERICHO! And I think there's only one question on

everyone’s mind here, and that is, “What happened to the Insanely Expensive Jeritron 5000?” Well, I’ll tell you what happened! Randy Orton kidnapped her! I read all about it on WWE Mobile while I was in the crapper. Last week, after RAW went off the air, Randy Orton had this to say!

Last week, after RAW went off the air….

Randy Orton: I can’t not wait for to watch Dr. Steeple!

Live….

Jericho: As you can see, nobody told him that Law and Order: Stabbin’ People in the Eyes Unit is now airing after RAW instead of Dr. Steve-O! But he stole my Jeritron, and I want it back!

Orton: In truth, Kiss Jericurl, I did not steel your Jerithon 400! I don’t even know what that is! You see, while you’ve been off sailiering the Arctic, I’ve been beating up the likes of Joe Cedar, Dirty Rouges, Triopoly H, and Joe Cedar’s dad! Certifiably, not stealing TZs!

Jericho: Yeah, well, I beat up Steve Austin and The Rock, but you don’t see me bragging about it do you? It’s time we finish what we started here and-

Orton: Start what we finished, you mean.

Jericho: Huh?

Orton: I a tree! It’s time we start what we finished, Mr. Joeblow! So, fall over!

Jericho: Never!

William Regal: Neither of you are falling over here tonight! We have to save that for Armoirgettin’! So instead, I’m going to let you book each other’s matches. That will save me from having to write this damn show and immediately go on strike.

Orton: Pizzachew, I choose you!

Pikachu: Pika? Pika!

Orton: Fiiiine. Loudy, no good moose. I pick Togepi Not Jillianhall!

Jericho: Uh-huh. And I pick Shawn Michaels.

Orton: The guy I’ve beatered ninety-bilzillion times?

Jericho: Hey, I’m just getting back into the swing of things here, ok?

Regal: Yes, aren’t we all.

Backstage, Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) is hanging out backstage with Alexis Laree. OMG, are they going to make out? We’ll find out after these….

(ads)

No. No they are not.

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Carbbean Cool Marella) and Alexis Laree vs. Melina and Beth Phoenix

I love how Beth’s ring gear (complete with pleather crown) and entrance music perfectly encapsulate her roll as a mid-80s heel. If this were 1985, she’d be Hulk Hogan’s next opponent. As it is, she’s Alexis’ next opponent. Which is too bad, except that it’ll probably be a better match. Anyway, Melina and Maria exit about ten seconds in because they want nothing to do with any of this, and then Beth hits Alexis in the throat with a gavel. Beth wins! Well, I mean…Nice to see they’re keeping everybody lookin’ strong here.

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn I have to ask you, how do you like the prospect of losing to Randy Orton…AGAIN.

Shawn Michaels: I’m feeling just dandy, Todd! A few more losses to Randy Orton and I’ll go completely off the deep end, and you know what that means? The Rise and Fall of Shawn Michaels at DVD retailers next fall! We’ll make a killing rehashing my career yet again!

Suddenly, the Jeritron 5000 appears behind Shawn Michaels.

Grisham: That’s…improbable! At least!

Ken Kennedy: I’m appearing via this floating television set to remind you all that I’m feuding with Shawn Michaels. And Shawn, I’ve got a big surprise for you coming up next.

Michaels: Is it a pony?!

Kennedy: No, it’s not a pony. It’s a broken heart!

Michaels: Oh. That sucks.

Kennedy: Heart!

(ads)

Now Kennedy is in the ring. What’s the deal, Ken Man?

Ken Kennedy: I thought it would be fun to do the thing where I make fun of people Shawn Michaels has feuded with, and because he has a DVD out, you might have heard about that, I actually know the names of a few of these guys. Like Shawn’s former teammate in the Rockers, they were called that because they were so damned old, here’s Mark Jannetty!

Marty Jannetty: Actually, my name is Marty.

Kennedy: Dude, you look like hell. Weren’t we just supposed to put some Indy guy in tassels and run him out here?

Jannetty: I was cheaper than the Indy guy. Look, I get my check soon, right? Like…I’ve got a ton of bills and things.

Kennedy: Sure thing, dude. Another guy Shawn Michaels may or may not have faced, I slept through this part of the documentary, is Razor Ramon! Heeeey, Razor!

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Mang, I thought TNA’s ring had, like, two more points of impact?

Kennedy: This isn’t TNA.

Hall: Sure thing, Samoa. Kurt Angle…other two guys, you are going down! One more win…For the good guys!

Kennedy: This isn’t even the right DAY for that.

Kevin Nash: SCOTT!

Kennedy: Oh, great. Way to ruin my last surprise!

Nash: What the hell in are you doing here? You were supposed to be at TNA’s Turnstile Buster, or whatever the hell that thing is called with me last night.

Hall: I dunno, man. What is it? Like…Thursday? Yeah, I can make it.

Nash: Is this how you treat me? I let you eat my food, I let you live on my couch, I get you booked into TNA, and you just leave me hanging? Joe shot all over me last night because of you!

Hall: Hahahaha…Shot all over you! That’s a good one, Kev.

Jannetty: Can…can I get paid now?

Nash: No! Scott, you can’t keep pulling this crap. You need to get your head out of the bottle and into the game here. I’m breaking up with you!!

Hall: Aww…You don’t mean that.

Nash: Yes, I do. You’ve disappointed me for the last time.

Hall: But…but….

Kennedy: Oh, for Pete’s sake.

Hall: Kevin, before you go. I just wanted to say. To thank you for all your years of loyalty, I got you a present. An early Christmas Present.

Nash: That’s really sweet of you, Scott. Where is it.

Hall: It’s…it’s right down there.

Nash: Down where?

Hall: DOWN THERE!!!

Nash: Ohhh! You’ve still got it! Hahahahahaha! Now if we hurry up, we can still make the Impact tapings to square off against…Whichever of those short guys didn’t quit.

Hall: I love you, mang.

Fake Shawn Michaels: Is this the part where I’m supposed to come out?

Kennedy: Hell if I know.

Jannetty: Shawn?! Shawn!! I need to borrow $50.

Hall: Man, that isn’t Shawn Michaels. I know that prancy fairy when I see him. That’s…uh…X-Pac?

Nash: X-Pac was greasier. This is…I don’t know. John Cena?

Kennedy: No, no, no. This is just some guy I pulled off the street and put in mirror chaps.

Jannetty: Does he still have $50?

Nash: Actually, now that I get another look at him, I think it actually is Shawn.

Hall: Yeah! How’s it goin’, Shawn? Got any booze back there?

Fake Shawn: Umm…yes?

Hall: Back on the wagon!

Shawn Michaels: What’s going on out here?

Nash: Oh, man! How’d you do that?! It’s like when they brought out the other me!

Kennedy: Oh, hey, Shawn. I…I don’t even know what I was going for here. But whatever it was, I failed.

Jannetty: Oh! Great! Can I borrow $100?

Shawn Superkicks Marty. Then he shrugs and does it to Hall and Nash. He does let himself escape though. There’s no sense messing around with trying to Superkick yourself. Even your fake self. Kennedy just shakes his head and goes backstage.

(ads)

Backstage, Vince is on the phone….

Vince McMahon: Why, yes, expeditionary character, I am excited about RAW’s 15th Anniversary show next week!

Tough Enough Jessie: I’m right here! You don’t have to pretend to be talking to me on the phone! WAAAAAAAH!

Vince: What’s that? You’re breaking up! I’m going to have to let you go. Sorry. Bye. Lousy reception here, you know.

Jonathan Coachman: I hear that. Or should I say, I don’t hear that? Hahaha-

Vince: No. You shouldn’t. Instead, you should tell me how excited you are to see Stone Cold Steve Austin here next week.

Coach: Not very. I’m more excited to see Trish Stratus!

Vince: Yeah! Or Mick Foley!!

Coach: Boss, Austin and Foley are always hanging around here. You’re doing this wrong.

Vince: Stevie Richards will be on RAW!

Coach: No he won’t.

Vince: Shut up.

Hornswoggle: So, what indignity will I suffer tonight?

Vince: Hoothoot, you know I love you like a son, so I’m just going to go ahead and book you in a match against Coach here and Carlito. No DQ. Do whatever you want to them.

Hornswoggle: An announcer and a guy you’re pushing out the door? I love you, Dad.

Vince: How do you get your beard to do that?

Hornswoggle: Elf magic.

Vince: Ooooh!

Hornswoggle: Don’t look now, but I just stole your phone.

Vince: Don’t worry. I won’t.

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Man, I can’t wait for next week. There’s going to be about a trillion people backstage, and at least one of them is going to pay top dollar for a baby.

William Regal: I don’t get it. Why don’t you just sell her to Abe Orton?

HHH: It’s a little late for that. Besides, that guy spends all his money on roids.

Regal: We wouldn’t know anything about that. You and I.

HHH: Hehehe…Yeah.

Regal: So…you and Jeff Hardy. How good of friends are you two. Really?

HHH: Look, William, I’ll be honest with you. I hate the guy. Really can’t stand him. But…he’s got an absolutely rockin’ volcano in his backyard. Who has that?! Besides Hawaiians, I mean. That’s pretty awesome. Plus, I’ve been doing some studies on sacrificing your firstborn to the volcano gods, and it’s promising.

Regal: The winner of that match will get a title shot at the Royal Rumble, you know.

HHH: Aw fiddlesticks. I wanted to be in the Rumble this year.

Regal: Then you could lose the match to Hardy.

HHH: Hahahahahahahaha…Seriously though, dude. Volcanoes.

Chris Jericho vs. Totally Not Jamal

The…Oops!

(ads)

Hmmm…Stupid commercial break. These two have never eeeeeeeever fought before. I don’t think. Maybe Jericho did a tour in Deepest Darkest Samoa or something. You know who I think the Greatest RAW Star Ever will be? The Lance Storm Action Figure. So cool. So durable. Tons of charisma. Speaking of tons, Totally Not Jamal lays a few of them into Jericho’s face. Jericho counters by punching Not Jamal in the ear, and then kneeing him in the face. That’s his move! I…guess. Of course, when a Samoan head meets knees, all you get is broken knees, so Jericho can’t stand and he falls over. Orton wins! Randy comes out onto the ramp and poses for a bit.

Backstage, Hornswoggle is looking for his hat. Surely, this clip will make it onto next week’s show.

(ads)

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Next week, I’m going to announce the top star in RAW history.

They show a picture of top RAW stars. Somehow, I doubt it will be Kurt Angle. Oooh, I’m pulling for Max Moon though.

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Jonathan Coachman vs. Hornswoggle
No Disqualification Match

As with Chris Tian, I think I’m going to miss Carlito’s music the most. Carlito! Carlito! Carlito! Hey, maybe Carlito is RAW’s Top Superstar. Shocking Swerve~! Hornswoggle tells Lillian Garcia that he’s purchased some protection tonight, and sure enough, here’s the A.P.A. Somehow, Bradhaw looks about 10 years younger, and Simmons looks about 30 years older than they did back when they started this angle. The APA throws Carlito and Coach around for a bit, and then Hornswoggle gets the pin. After the match, Bradshaw grabs a mic.

Bradshaw: I miss the little UPN symbols we used to do in marker. Anyway, if you want to hire us, just send a bunch of cash to me care of Fox News, or slip it under the Smackdown announce table. Or you can just hire Ron here for 1/4 price.

Ron Simmons: I’m great at kids parties.

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Abe Orton. Abe, what the hell have you done to your face? You look awful.

Abe Orton: This is my bodies violent reaction to the loss of my beard. It was the source of my powers.

Grisham: The powers of jobbing?

Abe: Do not mock that which you do not understand, Todd.

Grisham: Ok, I’ve had about enough of this.

Todd Grisham reaches over to pop one of Abe’s zits. The pustulant onslaught (Note to Editor: Pustulant Onslaught would make a great website name), drowns Todd. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Abe Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

I love all these different types of pushes for Abe. “No, no! Never beaten. Not on RAW! That guy we had a few years ago named Abe Orton? He had a beard! Totally different guy.” From punting Lita’s baby to Intercontinental Title match…what a career. Why doesn’t Abe have a DVD? I Love Babies: The Abe Orton Story. That kind of sounds like it should be on Lifetime, doesn’t it? Ted McGinley can play Abe, and Meredith Baxter can play Lita. I don’t know who would play Kane. Fake Kane, maybe. That’s a hell of a movie right there. Too bad I’m on strike. Jeff pins Abe, so I guess we can forget it for a while. After the match, Triple H chases Abe away with a sledgehammer and then pulls Jeff in for a quick chat about the dangers of constructing volcanoes in Connecticut.

(ads)

Backstage….

Jillian Hall:

Deck the Ballz, Oh Hardcore Holly!
Falalalalalalalala!
ECW Is not so Jolly!
Falalalalalalalala!
HBK wears gay apparel
Falalalalalalalalala!
Troll, we man, McMahon in Peril!
Falala-

Vince McMahon: That’s great, Jillian. Just great. Thanks for coming tonight.

William Regal: Sir, I’ve been trying to call your cell phone.

Vince: I gave it up for Advent.

Regal: I think you mean Lent, sir. You don’t give anything up for Advent.

Vince: Sure. One of those. What did you want?

Regal: Stephanie is on her way to the arena!

Vince: For what?

Regal: Hell if I know, sir. I just heard that she was driving over here.

Vince: Then who’s watching Aurora Borealis?!

Elsewhere….

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuude, you’re just like a little person!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: Gah!

RVD: Hey, do you mind if I smoke in here?

Aurora Borealis stabs RVD in the knee with a pen.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

In a different backstage area, HBK prances.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton

Clearly, the top RAW Superstar of all time was Friar Ferguson. Can we all agree on that? I mean…really. A wrestling monk who gets drunk during his matches? Brilliant. That’s the gimmick they should’ve given Mordecai the first time through. Shawn and Randy go through the same basic moves as they have their previous 50 times through, ending with Shawn putting on an Ankle Lock. Shawn’s Ankle Lock always looks really weird because he’s doing it all way to high. Oh well, it’s still a neat tribute to Ken Shamrock. Maybe he’ll lock in the Crossface later so I can pretend to be indignant.

(ads)

I just got a paper cut on my hand which makes it look like I tried to slice off my finger. If anybody asks, I’ll just say I was watching a Randy Orton match, and this seemed like a worthwhile endevour to try instead. And they’ll just nod. Shawn sets up the Superkick, but he’s distracted by Mr. Kennedy, who is standing outside the ring. They brawl for a while, and the ref gives up and calls it a count out. Orton wins, but not in the way he wanted to. Chris Jericho comes barreling out and tries to lock in the Walls of Jericho, but Orton has already wandered off in search of one of those blinky rose vendors and a giant foam Rey Mysterio heads. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Kennedy: Failed!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Stephanie, darling, if this is about that Volcano thing-

Stephanie McMahon: What volcano thing?

Vince: Forget it. What do you want?

Stephanie: Everybody hates you. Even mom. You’re not going to announce yourself as the Greatest RAW Superstar, are you?

Vince: And what if I did?

Stephanie: Then about 500 guys are going to punch you in the eye.

Vince: It’s totally going to be Charlie Haas.

Stephanie: Huh?

Next Week: Join the Coronation as Charlie Haas is named the Greatest Superstar in RAW History. Also, Chris Jericho gets a minute to hang out with and get dumped by Trish Stratus. Again. And Triple H constructs the bitchenest Volcano ever, complete with its own Motorhead Theme song!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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