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RAW SATIRE    
Aurora's 15 Daddies 

December 12, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Triple H decided to build the greatest volcano Connecticut had ever seen. Chris Jericho continued his totally hot comeback by winning on a technicality. And Hornswoggle was the best wrestler on the whole show. Who will be the best wrestler…TONIGHT?!
 
(All the Past and Present Opening Credits…Well, That’s Nice)

So apparently, everybody who’s ever been on RAW is invited tonight, so that’s something to look forward to. I wonder who will show up? Maybe Buff Bagwell! One can only hope! Man, now I’m really starting to wish Judy had made it onto the show. Say, what are the chances Jeff Jarrett makes it out tonight?

All the speculation proves essentially pointless, because the first ones on the ramp are Vince, Shane, and Stephanie McMahon. Maybe Linda couldn’t make it out of her eternal tomb in time. Those booby traps are dangerous! Teehee…booby.

Vince McMahon: I’m afraid my wife, Linda, couldn’t make it here tonight. She was pierced by one of her own poison darts. She’ll be fine though, and the show must go on! And what a show it is! WWE Monday Night RAW, a show that has been going on for fifteen years, can you believe that?

Shane McMahon: Plus or minus three weeks.

Vince: Yeah, well-

Stephanie McMahon: Wait, are we counting the ones where it was just Hillbilly Jim, Bobby Heenan, and Frankie sitting around at a table talking about Lex Luger for two hours?

Vince: Look, can we just get started on this stupid picture?

Stephanie: Yeah, yeah.

Hornswoggle: Can I be in the picture?

Vince: Ugh…yeah…I guess. But we’re not sending that one out as our Christmas card this year. Unless you dress up as an elf or something.

Shane: And you could be Santa!

Vince: Shut up.

Stephanie: This reminds me, I wonder where Aurora Borealis is….

Backstage….

Ric Flair: WOOO! You’re a baby!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Flair: WOO!

Back in the ring….

Vince: Shane, Stephanie, I love you. And, Hilltopper, I’m even beginning to have a begrudging respect for you. It really warms my cockles to have us all here in one place tonight.

Shane: Dad, you really need to learn when to say certain things.

Triple H: Am I late?

Vince: What the crap is this? You’re not even a McMahon!

HHH: Wait, we’re not acknowledging that I’m sleeping with Stephanie this week?

Stephanie: I’m certainly not.

HHH: Look, I said I was sorry for trying to trade our daughter for that monster truck, ok?

Stephanie: Yeah? Well, who’s watching her right now then?

HHH: That’s a funny story….

Backstage….

WWE Chief Babysitter Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m the BOOGEYMAN! And I’m coming to babysit yooooou! Wait, where’d my rattle go?

In the ring….

Vince: Ok, fine. Whatever. Welcome to the family again, Hunter. Now everybody pose nice.

Hornswoggle: I’m really getting pissed that Kennedy got suspended when he did.

Vince: Me too.

HHH: Wait, before we get started, I just wanted to bring out a bunch of girls to pretty up this picture.

Vince: Brilliant idea!

HHH: First up is everybody’s favorite current Diva, um…that one girl everybody knows…Mermaidia?

Melina: Are you talking about me?

HHH: Sure thing, toots.

Vince: Err…you couldn’t aim any higher?

HHH: Trish wouldn’t agree to appear in this segment, dude. And the only other chick I could find was Tough Enough Jessie and she’d just come out here and cry all over everything.

Tough Enough Jessie: That’s not a nice thing to say about the photographer! WAAAAAAH!

Shane: Oh, Jesus.

Melina: So wait, why am I out here again?

Sunny: Hey, everybody! What’s going on out here? I’m here for the party!

Hornswoggle: Woo! Sunny Days are here again!

HHH: Dude, come on. Get your own line.

Vince: Well, I guess she’s looking pretty good. Welcome to the family, Tammy.

Stephanie: Run! As fast as you can!

Sunny: Does anybody here know what happened to Cloudy?

HHH: Actually, I dated her for a while. Anyway, here’s another new McMahon!

Mae Young: This gimmick isn’t very fun anymore.

Shane: Was it ever?

Vince: I have to admit, I always thought Moolah was the hot one.

Stephanie: Daaaad!

Shane: You, know, have fun with your picture. I’m going to go backstage and check on Aurora Borealis.

Backstage….

Scott Hall: Hey yo!

Aurora Borealis: ….

Hall: Come on, mang! Hey yo! Geez. Tough crowd.

Kevin Nash: You can’t pop a baby, Scott.

Hall: Wanna bet?

Nash: Get that toothpick away from her!

Back in the ring…..

HHH: Who else back there wants to be in the McMahon Family Christmas card? Assorted random characters?

Howard Finkle: I just want to be loved!

Bastian Booger: Can you believe I saved this costume for twenty years? Hell yeah! I even still have my hump! Who wants to rub the hump?

Pat Patterson: This segment is banana, guys.

Gerald Briscoe: I guess, whatever. Right?

Big Dick Johnson: I’m actually on strike. So, I’ll pass?

Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz: STEROIDS!

HHH: Ok, that’s…cool. I guess.

Stephanie: Oh, Hunter. I could never stay mad at you forever! Allowing all these random characters to take part in a McMahon family Christmas? Well, it’s warmed my cockles! Let’s make out!

So they do.

Vince: Yeah, this segment was dead for me as soon as I saw that Bastion Booger had scraggly white hair. You all can take the Christmas picture without me.

Hornswoggle: Ok, pops. See you later.

Stephanie: I’m leaving too. I hate pictures. I always look bloated.

Sunny: All the McMahons are gone!

Mae: Bring on the hoes!

Melina: You little-

The Godfather: I think she meant me! It’s time once again, for me to cash a PAAAAAAaaaay check!

So a bunch of Bridgeport’s finest (?) strippers come out and dance around the ring while Bastion Booger and Howard Finkle make out with Sunny and Mae. Best. RAW. Ever.

EVER!

(ads)

Let’s check in with Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley….

The Great Khali: AAAAAHHHGHH! YFFP TYUBOO!

Totally Not Jamal: AKILLIIIIIIIII!

Auroa Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: <sigh>.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Jeff Hardy
In a Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Carlito decided not to quit after all, and his reward is a match where he has to hit himself in the face with a ladder a bunch of times. Heh. Nice work there, dude. Both these guys were on RAW the last few weeks, so this is immediately disappointing. But then again, nobody is building a volcano or strapping a rocket to their back yet, so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on them. Jeff flips off the ladder onto no one in particular. I really like his approach to these matches. Then Carlito sunset flips him off into the crowd. Match of the night, so far, y’all.

(ads)

Is it wrong that I’m kind of wishing they’d put Bastion Booger into this match? He didn’t even have to win or anything. It’d just be nice to see. Hell, let him win. It’d be better than Carlito! Jeff tries to hit a Twist of Fate (JR: Body slam!), but Carlito flips him into a Back Cracker on the ladder. So he…just pushed him onto the ladder kind of. It’d still hurt though. But then again, Carlito’s hair offers significant wind resistance, so he still doesn’t end up beating Jeff to the top of the ladder, and Hardy wins. Good to have you back, Carlito!

Backstage….

Jimmy Hart: Come on, baby! You’re the baby! Yeah, baby! Come on, baby! Baby, baby!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels. Shawn, what were you doing on RAW 15 years ago?

Shawn Michaels: Being cracked out of my gourd?

Grisham: Must’ve been nice.

Shawn: Yeah. Trust me, it really helped when I had to watch that show every week.

Grisham: So you’re fighting some guy on Sunday?

Shawn: Yeah. Kennedy Kennerson, or something.

Grisham: That’s too bad.

Marty Jannetty: Shawn! I’m glad I caught up to you again this week! It’s the fifteenth anniversary of RAW, buddy! And you know what that means! You owe me a gift of crystal!

Shawn: I think that’s only if we’re mar-

Jannetty: But I’ll take cash instead! Can I borrow, like, $500?

Shawn: Last week it was $50!

Jannetty: You know how it is, buddy!

Michaels: I’ll tell you what. If you can beat Kenman Kendalstick tonight, I’ll give you $30.

Jannetty: DEAL!

Michaels: Man…The things I do sometimes.

FAVORITE RAW MOMENTS: Val Venis gets his penis cut off by an asian stereotype.

Backstage….

Henry O. Godwin: You’re the strangest looking pig I ever did see!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

H.O.G.: I’ma gonna pour this slop on myself!

Sunny: Oh, that’s so hot.

H.O.G.: Do me!

(ads)

Santino Marella is in the ring with Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella).

Santino Marella: I was-a to understand-a that I would-a be wrestling-a here tonight-a! Who did-a they get-a to wrestle-a me? Mantaur-a?

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I still work here, right?

Santino: No-a!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Santino Marella (w/ Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)) vs. Rob Van Dam

Rob kicks Santino in the face and hits the Five Star Frogsplash for the win. Yeah, that’s the entire match. Good to see they’re protecting Rob here though. He looks pretty good for a guy that got kicked in the head a few months ago. Seriously though, I have no idea what he was doing here tonight, unless he was so high that he forgot what the hell was going on. Either way, I’ll take it. At least Jericho has somebody to bitch to tonight. “It’s like they don’t even understand me, Rob!” “Yeah! All right!!”

Here’s a video package about Evolution! Speaking of which….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You are a BABY!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: Zzzzzz….

Batista: Do you want to play SCRABBLE?!

(ads)

And now it’s time for the Evolution reunion. This should go well. Ric Flair comes out in an Evolution shirt, looking old and confused as usual. Maybe he thinks it’s three years ago. He should get with RVD. They can share notes. This must be especially confusing for Ric after not showing up at all last week. Hunter comes out, also in an Evolution shirt. He’s wearing the “Lame. Game. Dave. WOO!” version, which is the best. Flair begs off. Dave comes out next, and he’s also wearing an Evolution T-Shirt, but he tears it off as soon as he’s in the ring to show off his “Care Bears T-Shirt.”

Jim Ross: What a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Batista has joined the Care Bears!

Triple H: Dave, you can’t just join the Care Bears.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Yes I CAN!

HHH: What’s your bear power then?

Batista: I’m WRESTLY!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Randy Orton: Hello, general men!

HHH: Orton!

Orton: I see we’re havering a rejoinion of Evaluation here tonight! Well, I don’t want to be regendered for being in Electrocution! After all, you guys power bloomed me, remember?

Batista: I do not RECALL!

Flair: I don’t remember Saturday!

HHH: Was that you? Oh. Heh.

Orton: I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy will never be rememberered for being in Ovulation! I will never be rememembled for killing the legend of Y-O-U Christ Jello Co. I will frolever be remaindered for being in the greatest Sable, tag team, and fashion of all times, Team Rapid Arcade-O!

Edge: Is this where the cake is? Wait a second….

Orton: Reg! My breastest fiend in the whole wide girl! You made it! Team Rapid Arcade-O retrains!

Edge: No, no, no, no! I’m just out here for some cake. Somebody told me there was cake here. This…this must be some mistake.

Orton: No miscake, Smudge, old bead. Just the cake of DESTINY! And the rejoinion of two best fiends!

Edge: Oh. That sucks.

HHH: Sounds like you two get along great! I’m happy for you.

Flair: WOOO! Who wants to eat some cake with the NATURE BOY?!

Totally Not Jamal: TOUPHFOONOA!

Orton: My breast bungie, Toga Party Not Cabal!

Edge: There is no cake, man.

Not Jamal: Awww….

Backstage….

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, babysitting is, like, the easiest job in the world. Hey, baby! Do you want to see the source of my powers?

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: …?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

(ads)

Evolution and WRESTLY Bear vs. Team Rated RKO and Totally Not Jamal

This is a showdown of epic proportions. Clearly. Team Rated RKO is nothing without Lita in a slutty shirt though, I have to admit. Edge and Batista are the story of the match, because they actually have a match against each other on Sunday. Clearly, for this reason, they rarely even look at each other during the course of the whole thing. Hunter and Dave hit Spinebusters at the same time just like a real boy and his pseudo dad, so that’s pretty cute. Then not Jamal hits the THUMB TO THE EYE on WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance. Aw. That, of course, gets the DQ, and earns Not Jamal a low blow, Osprey Bomb, and PEDIGREE TO NOT JAMAL~! for his troubles.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy watches on. No doubt wondering what Imagi would do to Triple H.

Elsewhere….

Friar Ferguson: And that’s how I ended the Spanish Inquisiti…Inq…Them Spanshards.

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Friar: Are you high?

RAW MEMORIES! Remember all those cars that were on RAW? The Goldberg Monster Truck does! And now it wants to eat them!

Meanwhile….

Molly Holly: I’m really starting to realize I should never have agreed to come back for this show.

Hornswoggle: I’m sorry. I’ll stop humping you leg.

Molly: At least you’re more polite about it than Scaia was.

Alexis Laree: I can’t wait until Raven shows up! That will be great!

William Regal: I’m afraid he wasn’t invited, dear.

Alexis: Aww…Now who is going to cane Tommy Dreamer?

Tommy Dreamer: Yeah. Now who’s going to cane me?

Regal: And as for you, Homestarrunner, your match with The Great Khali is next! And your old chum Finlay? Was too drunk to show up!

Hornswoggle: Figures. Never trust a drunk Irishman to save you from a freaky Indian.

Molly: The more things change….

(ads)

Hornswoggle vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

Khali gets ready to attack, but he’s interrupted by Hulk Hogan, who can’t stand to see a midget get hurt, I guess. Or maybe he’s just trying to push that Khali/Hogan feud that doesn’t mean anything after last year. Khali takes control of the altercation at first, but Hogan Hulks up and clothslines Khali to the floor. Hogan wants to body slam him, but Indian Eric Bischoff convinces Khali that maybe jobbing to a 90 year old man is not the best career move at this point. Hogan grabs a mic.

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, American Gladiators, I might be mad at WWE, but when I heard it was the 15th Anniversary of RAW, American Gladiators, I hopped into my suped up car and raced right over here! And, American Gladiators, I couldn’t be happier, American Gladiators, because NBC has convinced me that WWE is the best wrestling company in the world, American Gladiators. So, unlike a certain Macho Man, American Gladiators, I will never say goodbye to WWE forever, American Gladiators!

RAW MEMORIES: DX once consisted of a squirrelly grease ball, two gay wiggers, and a giant tranny. Who says WWE isn’t sexually diverse?

Backstage….

Ultimate Warrior: Behold though I walk through the valley of death, the Warrior who is Ulitmate fears no destrucity! The omulecense of this monumentagious event shines even now into the valley of Warriors. For a phlentagetidinous moment such as this, one must reflect on the bouyentidy of the path that every Warrior follows and be glad for the natulidity of the experience. As the plucratonity of all the One Warrior Nation flows like magnischia through the veins of the One who is Ultimate, the Warrior looks down on the Warriors and declares that the decrucity has been holtricondrianed.

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: …?

Warrior: Baby Warrior, art though high…And drunk? Inconmprelentoniable!

(ads)

RAW MEMORIES: Mick Foley finds a use for those socks with the the little holes in the heel.

Howard Finkle is announcing. YEAH, BABY! Aww…just for this one match. Boo!

Backstage….

Dusty Rhodes: Fluhbuldoobeedoo on the mothaship if you wheeeeeel!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: Ogoobblleddoopee?

Dusty: Finally! Somebody who understands me!

(ads)

Al Snow vs. Bart Gunn vs. Doink the Clown vs. Repo Man vs. Steve Blackman vs. Mean Street Posse Member Pete Gas vs. Bob Backlund vs. The Goon vs. Skinner vs. Flash Funk vs. Irwin R. Schyster vs. Gangrel vs. Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart vs. Sgt. Slaughter vs. Gillberg
In a 16 Man Battle Royal to Celebrate RAW’s 15th Anniversary

Nobody said they were good at math. Well…Except IRS, I guess. Looking good? Blackman, Snow, and Scotty 2 Hotty. Not looking so good? Jim Neidhart, who’s carrying an extra Hart Foundation member in his old singlet there. I hope it’s Furnas! I love that they drag out The Goon for all of these too. Who remembers The Goon? I also like the fact that the Mean Street Posse is representing here tonight! Woo! I’d rather see Joey Abs though. Or the other guy…Earl? Anyway, everybody takes out Gillberg, because he’s the biggest threat. Then it’s essentially everybody nailing their one spot in the hopes that, if they aren’t already a road agent, they can get a spot working Internet Heat against Abe Orton next week. Back to TNA with you, Backlund! It comes down to Slaughter and IRS, but IRS dumps Sarge for the win…Huh. After the match, The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase comes to the ring. Nobody tell him his spinoff got cancelled already! Dibiase offers IRS a wad of Monopoly money, and at first IRS isn’t having any of it, because gift taxes on Monopoly money of over $500 (or green houses) are a bitch to pay off. But the Money Inc. Connection is too much for ol’ Irwin, so he stuffs the cash in his briefcase. Wait…He has the money in the bank briefcase?! Cash it in, dude! All these champions suck! It should be a cake walk! IRS hops over the rope, giving the 17th entrant in this 15 man battle royal the win.

The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase: I’m on this show and you’re not! Suck it, Virgil! HAHAHAHA!

Money Money Money Money Moneeeeeey!

RAW MEMORIES! Remember the time everybody was slapping each other? Like…Last week? Yeah. Good times.

Elsewhere, Eric Bischoff is walking around. Geez, I hope he remembers how to get to the ring.

Even elsewherer….

Sid: And that’s why I packed up my softball bat, hopped into my car, and came back to WWE! I will be WWE Champion again! And master…and ruler of the squirrels!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Sid: Don’t you look at me like that, baby! I may have half the intellect than you, but I’ve got twice the hair! Don’t you forget it.

(ads)

Bischoff is out now, and you can kind of tell the crowd is just exhausted. Too much awesome. Not…uh…Mike Awesome though. Anyway, he has a mic.

Eric Bischoff: You know, if I’d just never listened to Ted Turner’s crazy ass, there probably wouldn’t even be a Monday Night RAW right now. That’s a sad and harrowing fact. Despite that, I think it’s neat that WWE always finds some reason to bring me back. Whether it’s to pitch my book, because it’s an anniversary show, or because Linda really has the hots for Jason Hervey, I’ll always find a way to keep appearing on RAW and cashing a paycheck. Which is exactly what I’m doing right now.

Chris Jericho: Hey, Eric.

Bischoff: Chris Jericho?! What are you doing here? Didn’t I fire you?

Jericho: I dunno. Probably?

Bischoff: So, what, are you out here to mock me for the way I ruined your career in WCW? Or how I ruined it in WWE?

Jericho: Nope. I came out here to have a contest to see who can rhyme the word “off” the most. Ready? Go! Cough!

Bischoff: Boff.

Jericho: The Hoff!

Bischoff: Bischoff!

Jericho: Knauf!

Bischoff: Prof?

Jericho: Trough!

Bischoff: Playoff!

Jericho: Stroganoff!

Bischoff: Door hinge!

Jericho kicks Bischoff in the face for ruining the game. Randy Orton runs back out because he LOVES rhyming words with other words, but Jericho takes him down in the Walls of Jericho. What an asshole. Geez. Afterwards, Jericho goes to celebrate with the WWE Title, but after getting one glimpse of the Spinnin’ Title, he’s suddenly glad Triple H hates him.

Elsewhere….

Rowdy Roddy Piper: You’ve got the sickness! I can feel it. You…you’re a baby! How’d you get backstage? Oh, that McMahon, he’s he’s gonna keep getting them younger and younger until the industry devours us all? Can’t you see it? I can see it, but I’m asking you! Can you see it? How it’s going to reach down and crush us all, man? Until there’s nothing left?!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Piper: I HEAR THAT!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

So…Are any of these teams getting names? No? Damn. Dusty’s out there on commentary, which is pretty cool. “My son be clubberin’, Tony!” They should’ve brought Schiavone in for tonight. That would have been the greatest announce team in the history of our great sport. Is Murdoch still in love with Alexis? And isn’t it nice that he gets to wrestle against his brother with his dad at ringside on the 15th Anniversary of RAW? Anyway, nobody in the match is on the same page, but Holly hits the Alabama Slam on Cade and Holly and Rhodes are the new tag team champions! Dusty comes in to celebrate with them. You didn’t win anything, Dusty! Hey, I wonder if anybody’s going to remember that Orton kicked him in the head!

RAW MEMORIES! Remember all the celebrities that have appeared over the years? Like Jeff Jarrett? Hey! Now you can’s say WWE hates TNA!

Backstage….

Mr. T: I pity the foo who has to watch a baby.

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Mr. T: Yeah. That’s right. Mr. T’s life is a joke. What of it? Foo.

(ads)

In the ring….

Jillian Hall: Ok, buy my CD on iTunes. No. It’s seriously there.

On the first day of Wrestlemania,

My true love gave to me,

A Hardy in a Pear Tree!

Trish Stratus: This segment really reminds me of why I’m glad I’m not on this show any more.

Jillian: Why? So you can star in crappy Celebrity COPS shows?

Trish: That’s…probably fair. At least they never made me sing, I guess. This is more humiliating than the time I barked like a dog.

Jillian: Oh! Or when I had a Rice Krispie treat glued to my face!

Trish: Yeah. Wow. Women don’t really get a fair shake around here. Good thing I have…Oh, geez. I don’t have anything better to do than be here tonight. That’s horrible.

Lita: What’s up?

Trish: Oh, great! My mortal enemy, Lita! What’s up indeed?

Lita: Man, I didn’t have anything better to do tonight either. What’s wrong with us?

Trish: You don’t want to continue our horrible feud?

Lita: So what…we can fight again in ten years? Let it go. Let’s be the new Mae Young and Moolah.

Trish: You got it.

Jillian: What a wonderful event! It makes me feel like singing!

Jericho the silver-vested wrestler,

Had a very shiny vest!

Lita and Trish turn around and deck Jillian.

Trish: To be fair, that was better than the Luchagores.

Lita: True that.

Then they make out.

RAW MEMORIES: Chris Jericho pees in Regal’s tea. Still the classiest thing either guy has done in their WWE careers.

Backstage, Sean Stasiak runs headlong into a wall.

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

(ads)

RAW MEMORIES: Remember when everybody tried to get married, but then didn’t? What was up with that?

Backstage….

Lita: No wonder the Catholic church hates me.

Kane: Heeeeey, baby cakes! What’s up?

Lita: Heh…Hi. Sorry about that whole chicken parmesan thing a few years ago.

Kane: No, no. Don’t worry about it. We were young…ish. And we had a lot of growing up to do. I don’t know if we were ready for that chicken parmesan.

Lita: Yeah.

Kane: So, do you need a drummer for the Luchagores? I’ve been practicing on Rock Band!

Lita: Nah, we’re terrible enough as it is.

Kane: Well, if you ever need one…just-

Lita: Yeah. I’ll look you up for sure. You know, I’ve been thinking about it a lot tonight, and sometimes, I wish I had a little more Kane.

Ron Simmons: Would you two just kiss already? Gosh.

So they make out. Out at ringside is Ken Kennedy.

Ken Kennedy: I hope I don’t break Marty’s hip. HIP!

Elsewhere….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley. Aurora Borealis, how does it feel to be a baby?

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Grisham: Uh-huh. “Oh, it’s ok, Todd! Just a few years on this stupid wrestling show to get your feet wet. CNN will be knocking down your door once they see your interviewing style. Oh, no, Todd! It’s not a step down from reporting on K-Mart closings and lost cats. Hell, it’s a step up, right? You’re on basic cable now! The big time. One step closer to that anchor desk!” I hate you, baby.

Todd Grisham runs himself through with his microphone.

Aurora Borealis: ….

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Ken Kennedy vs. Marty Jannetty

Marty is wearing like…A three piece suit. Somebody’s sensitive about his weight. I mean, Neidhart didn’t come out in a corset or something. Geez. I wonder where Marty got the cash for that outfit. Or the plane ticket to come up here tonight. Sometimes, WWE is awfully full of logic holes. Damn writers strike. Was I supposed to be watching the match instead of ruminating on the quality of Marty Jannetty’s ring gear? Screw you. This is my column. If you want to read a column about what’s actually happening write your own. Just for that, I’m not going to tell you what the finish was. Fine. Kennedy won. Are you happy? Then Shawn Michaels came out to save Marty from any further indignity, because deep inside, Shawn’s just a big ol’ girl. Then, Triple H runs out and convinces Shawn to throw a couple of crotch chops Ken’s way for the hell of it. Wait, where’s X-Pac? What the hell did he have that was so pressing tonight?

Backstage, Vince McMahon is staring off into space. Let me know how that works out for you, Vince! Elsewhere….

Steve Blackman: ….

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Steve Blackman: ….

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Steve Blackman: ….

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

(ads)

Vince has made it to the ring.

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, it’s good to be back out here. My family picture might have been a disaster, but not this! The announcement of the Greatest RAW Superstar of All Time! Right here in this very ring! And the winner of the Greatest RAW Superstar of All Time is…Oh, this is so exiting…it’s…ME! Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Oh…I’m shocked! There are so many people I’d like to thank. First, I’d like to thank Vince McMahon for all the time and effort he’s put into my car-

Hey, look! It’s Mick Foley! Only he’s dressed as Mankind! What, was Dude Love busy or something?

Mankind: Maybe people will pop for this character!

Nope. Sorry. Though to be honest, I think this crowd is kind of popped out. They were kind of used up by the time Godfather came out. Anyway, Mick grabs Vince and puts him in the Mandible Claw. That’ll show you! After all, Foley is totally the reason RAW…um…has as many cacti as it currently does?

Foley exits stage left, and The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker stumbles out. Well, I have to admit, the Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker is a bigger star, but the Body’s been around longer. Advantage: Body. The body shambles into the ring. Chokeslams Vince and then cuts the lights and shambles backstage again. A well thought out argument, I think.

And then? Stone Cold Steve Austin. Damn. I really wish they would’ve sprung for Austinberg. They could’ve duct taped them together or something. ONE NIGHT ONLY! Anyway, Austin grabs a few beers and lays down next to Vince.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Wow. Fifteen years of Monday Night RAW. That’s exciting. Almost as exciting as the time I told Tazz that his watch spoke Spanish. Remember that? I understand why you need to lie down and take it all in. But if we drink down here, the beer will wash back into my nose. And I hate that. So why don’t we stand up? We’re enough of an old married couple as it is.

Vince and Austin stand.

Austin: Suuuuuuucker!

STUNNER! STUNNER! AUSTIN WITH THE STUNNER!

Austin: The Real Greatest Superstars in RAW History are the fans! Especially that lady with the big titties in the third row! And that’s the Bottom Line ‘Cuz Stone Cold Said So!

Tony Schiavone: You heard it here first, folks! You are the greatest superstars in the history of our great sport!

That’s as much of a crappy selection as Vince was! Half these people can’t even hit a moonsault. Anyway, Austin invites the whole roster down to the ring to drink beer with him. And pretty much everybody on the current roster and/or who would accept a small time appearance fee to show up and drink beer is there. I hope the ring doesn’t collapse and kill Hornswoggle! Of note? William Regal is down there drinking a Coke because he’s a good boy, and CM Punk is holding a Bud Light as if to say, “I bet this will drive those Straight Edge kids nuts tonight!” Everybody pours beer on Vince to close the show. Oh, of all the years to get yourself fired, Sandman!

Backstage….

Shane McMahon: I don’t get it. What’s so cool about you? Oooh, you’re a girl! Oooh, you’re Stephanie’s daughter! Declan and Kenyon are twice as cool as you! Just because Marissa is the queen of a few harpies doesn’t mean my kids are hellspawn!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

Shane: You’re right. What was I thinking? I can’t take this out on you. I’m sorry, Aurora Borealis.

Aurora Borealis: ….

Shane: Ok, ok! Guilt trip over. Geez.

Aurora Borealis spits her milk into the air.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Chris Jericho somehow is compelled by mysterious forces to job to Randy Orton. Damn you, Rey! Shawn Michaels becomes the latest guy to beat Ken Kennedy. And Triple H pushes Jeff Hardy into their absolutely awesome volcano, because he’s a jerk.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
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