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RAW SATIRE    
Maria: Caught Betwixt Two Neeps 

December 17, 2007

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: It was the Fifteenth RAWniversary and…essentially nothing happened, really. Sure there was the Old Man Battle Royal, and…Hulk Hogan? Man, I don’t know, three hours of nothing but guys in short shorts. Thankfully, it won’t be three hours…TONIGHT!!
 
(Opening Credits)

Jillian Hall, Melina, Victoria, and Layla El Layla vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly, Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella), Michelle McCool, and Alexis Laree

Wow, that’s just a bunch of ladies in elf costumes. Just like DragonCon. Lillian Garcia apparently thinks that Layla El 

Layla is Kelly Kelly Kelly, which is totally understandable because Kelly is totally a hot black girl. To be completely fair to Lillian, however, I thought Michelle McCool was Kelly for, like, half the match. And I thought they were both Torrie Wilson, so I have no idea what’s going on here. I think we’ve all been hitting the ol’ Egg Nog a little too hard. Alexis hit’s a DDT on Victoria. Are either of them dating Just Kenny still? I can’t follow those kinds of things anymore. Wait…Why is Michelle McCool wearing a thong OVER her shorts? That’s…weird.

Afterwards, Vince McMahon hobbles his way to the ring.

Vince McMahon: That outfit is ridiculous, Michelle. Get out of the ring. I’m tired of everybody making fun of me. I mean, really. I’m doing all kinds of crazy crap around here every week, and what do I get? A midget son? Beer poured all over my nice suit coat? A writers strike?! What did I do to deserve any of this?

Jeff Hardy: Mr. McMahon, if I may?

Vince: Yeah, yeah. I know. Psychobabble. Inane Statement. 2Xtreme. Gotta love that Imagi.

Hardy: Actually, sir, my big win over Triple H has given me a lot of time to think. You see, I won all the armoires at WWE RAW, Smackdown and ECW Present WWE RAW, Smackdown and ECW’s Armoiregettin’ so I’ve been loading them up with volumes of my patented emoetry.

Vince: Then why did you come out here?

Hardy: Because, Vince, I just wanted to mention that we were going to Iraq a few weeks ago AKA next week. And also that, like Saddam Hussein, you’re a lovable scamp that should really have stopped killing people.

Vince: Yeah, I mean…I guess I really should’ve thought that one through.

Hardy: You just got schooled in an argument by Jeff Hardy!

At this, Vince breaks down in tears and clutches at the turnbuckle. Jeff shrugs and runs off. Aw, he should’ve offered to build a volcano with Vince. That would’ve cheered him up!

(ads)

Vince is still sitting in the corner, but now William Regal is out there too.

William Regal: Oh, yes, sir. This is absolutely the best way to watch RAW. Shall we have the matches happen around us then? I’ll bring some popcorn and sodas down here for us?

Triple H: Guys, as fascinating as that might be, we’re going to have Totally Not Jamal out here tonight, and he’s going to want to do a bunch of turnbuckle spots, and unless you want him rubbing his junk in your face, that’s neither cool nor sanitary. And it’ll probably get us cancelled.

Regal: Oh, let him sit here and cry, would you?

HHH: I just hope he doesn’t try to blow himself up again. I can’t take having to find out that Trevor Murdoch is his illegitimate cousin.

Vince McMahon: Somebody get me Coach!

Regal: Yes! Somebody fetch us Jonathan Coachman! We’ll give him a good whacking. That will cheer you up, Mr. McMahon.

Vince: No, I want you two to wrestle Hunter. That’ll cheer me up.

HHH: It’s a Christmas Miracle!

Vince: God, I hate this company.

(ads)

Triple H vs. William Regal and Jonathan Coachman

Everybody’s in their street clothes, which is pretty cool. When the office Christmas Party goes bad! Hunter laughs at his competition, which is pretty sad. Poor William Regal, how far have you fallen? Maybe it’s the haircut. Jonathan Coachman, I get, I guess. But he did have a pretty good three thousand match series a few years ago with Tajiri. These are foes to be reckoned with. And to be fair, Regal does get in a little bit of “kicking Hunter in the head” based offense, but then he drops the brass knuckles, and Hunter grabs them and bonks Coach. PEDIGREE TO COACH! Hunter wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

(ads)

Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Are Cody and Hardcore still even a tag team? Yeah, I realize they won the tag team titles last week, but come on. Their level of interaction this week? High fives before the match. I totally buy that. At least Cody looks like he’s settling in to being a face, well, as much of a face as you can be when nobody gives a crap what you’re doing. Look at it this way, Cody: At least you’re not Demon Hugger Smith. Holly tries to hit the Alabama Slam about ten seconds in, but, surprisingly, he didn’t hit it. Cody hit’s the DDT for the win. What’s with the DDT finishes? Are we supposed to be honoring Jake Roberts’ foray into rehab?

(ads)

Ric Flair is on the ramp.

Ric Flair: WOOOO! I’m the NATURE BOY! I’m stylin’ and profilin’ because I will never retire! Retire me?! I’m already retired! Fire me? I’m already…Wait! I’ll never retire! WOO! That’s why I’m the champ! Now people have been wondering when I’m going to lose! The answer is, “Not until I’ve paid off my back taxes!” WOO! Because I’m Ric, By God, Flair! I’m Ric Flair. And all my best friends like Barry Windham, Arn Anderson, that goofy looking Duck, Triple H, Dave! Shawn Michaels! WOO! Rickey Steamboat?! RICKY STEAMBOAT! I’m going to break your knees, kid! I’m going to break your knees! BecauseI’malimoridin’jetflyin’wheelin’anddealin’kissstealin’ sonofagunwho’sgoingtotakeyouroldladyforarideon SPACEMOUNTAINFATBOYWOOOOObecausethat’swhyI’mthechamp! WOOO!!!

You know…who gave him a live mic?

(ads)

Ric Flair vs. Totally Not Jamal

Whew. If he was fighting Jamal tonight, I’d be worried. Do you ever suppose Not Jamal misses hanging out with Armando? He needs a new friend. What’s Kim Chee up to? He was conspicuous by his absence last week. Flair starts off with some chops and head based offense. Um…I know he’s crazy, but is he supposed to be stupid too? Actually, yeah, I guess he is. Never mind then. Not Jamal, of course, no sells all this noise. Then, Not Jamal gets a whiff of some popcorn, jumps outside the ring, and spears a barricade. That’s good for a count out. Flair wins! Fantastic.

Jericho is walking around backstage. He hasn’t already forgotten how to get out to the ring, has he? Geez.

(ads)

Jericho is out on the ramp on his way to the ring. Whew. I was getting worried about that. I’ll note that he’s wearing a new shirt, which is about a million times better than his old shirt. And less blue.

Chris Jericho: Sure, I beat Randy Orton last night, but who cares? I didn’t get the WWE Spinnin’ Title nor did I get that really awesome armoire I had my eye on. Why did I bother to come back if I’m not going to be pushed any harder than when I left? I mean…look at this! I’m out here in the ring, hosting the “Not Highlight Reel,” while my apparently self-conscious Jeritron 5000 floats around haunting people backstage, and my guest didn’t even bother to show up.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Well…I did agree to appear live via the Titan Tron.

Jericho: Which is a whole ‘nother thing. I’m feuding with an announcer now? What the hell is that all about?

JBL: Hey! Some of our best feuds over the past couple years have been with announcers.

Jericho: I might as well be feuding with WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton!

WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton: You wish, Jericho!

Jericho: Actually-

JBL: Come on, you’re not really putting me in the same category as him, are you?

Jericho: Hey, man, you used to be cool. Back when you were in the APA or when you were beating up Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio. You were everybody’s choice for mystery tag team partners! But now? Now, you’re just like…the wealthy man’s Tazz.

JBL: That’s fair. I’ll take that.

Jericho: So I’m going to come over to Smackdown and end this feud once and for all!

JBL: Look, the Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker has really been on me lately about tearing down the fragile barriers that separate RAW and Smackdown and keep the Wrestling Kingdom together. I shouldn’t even be in this segment, but my position as a Wrestling God grants me such powers. You, as a mere mortal, cannot be allowed to do such a thing. Except on Holidays and special occasions. Like if Edge and Vickie Guerrero get married and then attacked by Mark Henry who wants at the wedding cake.

Jericho: You and your rules makers are a bunch of squares, man.

JBL: Hey, it’s not my rule. So it’s either that or not be on the Royal Rumble.

Jericho: It’s not like I was winning it anyway.

JBL: True that, kid. True that.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool and Santino Marella (w/ Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)) vs. Brian Kendrick and Paul London

At least they’re going to give this tag team thing a go. I wonder if Carlito realized that this was what he was signing back up for. They argue for a bit about who’s going to start, but I don’t think it matters. That loss to Deuce and Domino really hurt Kendrick and London pretty deeply. And why wouldn’t it? I know I wouldn’t want to lose to anyone named “Deuce.” Or “Cherry” for that matter. Or Spanky, so they should really get their heads back into the game. At least London doesn’t have a stupid name. Carlito wins with a Back Stabber on Kendrick.

Santino Marella: We win-a the match-a! We are-a the best-a tag team-a on RAW!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Not that that’s really saying much.

Santino: Nobody-a can stop-a the team-a of the Italian-a Nightmare and his-a pal the guy-a who likes-a to swap-a the spit with-a the guys-a!

Carlito: Well, I don’t like to brag-

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): May I point out that I’m not entirely comfortable with this newfound friendship between two men I’ve previously neeped?

Santio: No-a!

Then Carlito and Santino parade around the ring.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, what do you think about not getting any armoires last night? I literally have to ask you that question. Even though I think it’s stupid.

Randy Orton: Great question, Tad! I was just so exploited to see my breast fiend Elmo last week and to see him wind the Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip at SUV Armor Kitchen was just the ice ring on the steak.

Todd: What about your match with Chris Jericho?

Orton: There’s no drought, Chris Oreos is a great rappeller, but I’m Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy. I killered his Legend.

Grisham: Uh-huh. And your thoughts on facing Jeff Hardy?

Orton: I have no ideal who Jed Hardees is, but he makes me hungered for a hamburgler.

Grisham: That’s pretty much all I ever have to say to you.

Orton: DESTINY, Tom! DESTINY!

With that, Todd Grisham drops an armoire on himself. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….

Ric Flair: WOO! NATURE BOY!

Tough Enough Jessie: Yeah, that’s great, Ric.

Flair: Don’t you talk to me!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAH!

Triple H: Hey, Ric. I’m going to drink a whole vat of egg nog, want some?

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

HHH: Sure thing, Naitch!

Vince McMahon: Two weeks from today, you guys are going to have a match.

HHH: On New Years Eve? A show nobody will watch?

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

HHH: And I have no penalty for intentionally jobbing to Ric so he gets to keep his job?

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

HHH: I don’t think this is your best plan. Don’t blow yourself up though.

Vince: Whatever, dude.

HHH: Have you been reading Jeff’s emoetry again?

Flair: WOO! Emoetry for the NATURE BOY!

Vince: Yes. Shut up.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy and Randy Orton

Poor, Mr. Kennedy. Not only did he lose his match against Shawn last night, he hurt his hand playing Stratego against WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman at the hotel this morning. It’s been a tough year. Maybe he can repeat his name. That usually makes him feel better. Me too. Hocking! Yeah. That made me feel pretty awesome. Or like I was about to sell something. Or maybe spit in the face of someone who didn’t want to be cool. Ptooey, Randy Orton! Ok, that just confused the hell out of me. Why would you want to repeat your own last name? Ugh. This is why I hate recapping WWE Main Events.

(ads)

The match is still going on when we come back, so if you had “It’ll be over” in your office pool, you lost. For some reason, I had “They’d switch to a Rerun of Alf.” I lost, but I think in the long run, that’s a good strategy for WWE. Especially after I read that TNA script. Do you see what they’re up against in the next couple weeks? Jeremy Borash at AJ Styleshouse?! You can’t get much more compelling for that. For some reason, Buffalo is popping for everything Jeff Hardy does. I think it’s just pent up agression from those wayward Bills fans. That and we’re too close to Canada for anybody to cheer for Shawn. Michaels and Kennedy take their battle outside the ring, and Jeff manages to avoid falling over (for the first time in his career). Orton doesn’t know what to do after that, so Jeff gets the Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. If he can do that at the Royal Rumble…well…I’ll eat somebody else’s delicious ice cream hat.

Next Week: WWE is in Iraq! Enjoy the delightful sounds of missiles and roadside bombs as the troops try to contain their disappointment that Stevie Richards and Val Venis are the only ones making the trip this year. Also? I’m taking the week off. Happy Holidays, all!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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