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RAW SATIRE    
WWE Does TNA... Without the Eric Young 

January 7, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Oh, the booze…the food…Then the clock struck midnight and I turned into a pumpkin. John Bradshaw Leyfield made his return to talking about things. And Triple H and Triple Naitch had an epic showdown of epic proportions. What manboobs will collide…TONIGHT?!
 
Backstage….

William Regal: Man, did we do a show last week? I’m sorry, I missed it.

Vince McMahon: Nah, it’s cool. We just ran around in circles for two hours.

Regal: Oh, just like a TNA show!

Vince: Yeah. But with about 90% less Eric Young.

 
Regal: Thank God for that.

Vince: Look! It’s time for the RAW Roulette! Let’s see what it lands on.

Regal: Come oooooon, Coal Miner’s Glove!

Vince: Aww, sorry. You’re wrestling Triple H in a First Blood match.

Regal: I’ll go get my knives then.

Cheatum the Evil Midget: SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL!

Triple H: AMBUSH!

Regal: Right then.

HHH: Yeah!

Hunter ambushes William Regal from behind the office door. They fight for a few secons before they’re separated by Mike Rotunda’s gut.

(Opening Credits)

Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy

But wait!

Vince McMahon: I’m gonna give this wheel a little spin here, and wouldn’t it be crazy if the results dramatically altered this match?

Cheatum the Evil Midget: SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL!

Ken Kennedy: No deal!

Shawn Michaels: I hope it lands on $100!

Vince: Oh! Random Tag Team Partners match! And you two are tag team partners!

Shawn: That’s crazy!

Kennedy: DEAL!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels and Ken Kennedy vs. Charlie Haas and Trevor Murdoch
Randomly Generated Opponents Match

It doesn’t get any more random than Charlie Haas, I guess. Complimenting this match is the fact that Haas is dressed up as Villano XVI, which is about the best gimmick change in WWE history since the time Chavo Guerrero played Pete Gas. Shawn takes Haas’ mask off and Charlie goes back to sucking. Poor Charlie. Shawn Superkicks Haas. Kennedy tags into the match and hits Shawn, his own partner, with his new finisher the “Mic Check” which is a name so confusing that I won’t even bother describing the move. Anyway, then Kennedy gets the pin. I think everybody was a winner here. Or maybe not. Probably Trevor Murdoch was, though.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/ Cody Rhodes)
In a Dress Like Your Opponent Match

Yes, Santino and Cody are dressed like each other too, though you couldn’t tell by looking at them. Santino really sells it by looking depressed that he can’t turn heel no matter what he does. Holly’s afro goes flying about ten seconds into the match, which is about the most entertaining thing he’s done since he drove a Power Wheels down to the ring. Holly grabs an apple and spits in the face of a person he doesn’t think is cool. Cody doesn’t even have time to wipe the chunks out of his eye before Holly’s gotten the pin on Carlito and left. Poor Cody.

Backstage….

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): My New Year’s Resolution is to neep 20% less this year.

Vince McMahon: Mine is to not wear any more ketchup or mustard suits this year. What the hell was up with those?

Maria: What’s your New Year’s Resolution, Cheatum?

Cheatum the Evil Midget: SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL!

Cheatum spins the wheel.

Maria: Good for you!

Vince McMahon: And it lands on…Lingerie Pillow Fight! That’s right, folks! Jeff Hardy takes on Totally Not Jamal in a Lingerie Pillow Fight!!

Jeff Hardy: Aw, man…Again?

Vince: You’re right. We’ve seen that match one too many times. It’s 2008! Time for a new beginning! I guess I’ll use this spin to demean women.

Maria: Yay!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Jeff Hardy.

Todd Grisham: Look, man, all I’m saying is that you should’ve taken the Pillow Fight.

Jeff Hardy: Imagi told me it wasn’t in the cards. Perhaps we’ll see that “Volcano Building Challenge” space when it comes time to choose my match.

Grisham: I think it’s a little ridiculous that that space is even on the wheel.

Hardy: We took off the Def Poetry jam. Not Jamal’s way too good at that stuff for even my emoetry.

Grisham: Hey! Jeff! I’ve got a great idea. Forget the stupid wheel that always picks the same matches. I challenge you to a Volcano-Off. One…Two…Three…GO!

Hardy: You’re going down, Grisham!

Hardy immediately, furiously builds up a grand volcano right there in the interview area. Todd waits until he’s finished, and then jumps into the pit of lava. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Hardy: Aww…You tricked me!

Elsewhere….

Hornswaggle: This was a great idea, dad!

Vince McMahon: I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Hornswaggle: What?

Vince: Don’t tell me you’re taking after Austin now….

Hornswaggle: I can’t hear a word you’re saying?

Vince: What?

Hornswaggle: What?

Vince: Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to do this segment inside this fishbowl.

(ads)

Hornswaggle: That was a really stupid idea for a segment, dad.

Vince McMahon: Shut up, Hickorysmoked. Now, let’s figure out a way to get your silly ass into the Royal Rumble. Every year we’ve got to have some stupid gimmick guy in there, and this year, you’re it.

Hornswaggle: Awesome, I’m like Drew Carey.

Vince: That gives me an idea! Let’s spin the wheel and put you in some sort of crazy gimmick match!

Cheatum the Evil Midget: SPIN THE WHEEL! MAKE THE DEAL!

Hornswaggle: Who the hell is this?!

Vince: Oh…er….

Hornswaggle: Have you been seeing other midgets behind my back!?

Cheatum: SPIN THE WHEEL!

Hornswaggle: You know what? Screw you, midget man! Your mother was a whore!

Cheatum: MAKE THE DEAL!

Hornswaggle: Oh, that’s it!

Hornswaggle and Cheatum grapple their way out of the room. Vince spins the wheel.

Vince: Oooh! $100!

(ads)

Melina vs. Jillian Hall vs. Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Alexis Laree vs. Survivor’s Ashley
In a Lingerie Pillow Fight

Hey, welcome back Survivor Ashley! Nobody ask her how she managed to lose to Courtney, ok? Everybody’s kind of pushing the definition of “lingerie” here, and Maria’s only wearing one glove, which isn’t really a good look for her. Did anybody out there buy Jillian’s Christmas CD. I thought about it but in the end, I’m not a complete idiot. Is it bad that the first thing I asked myself when this match started was, “Oh, did Torrie get fired?” Apparently, she’s on Smackdown and injured. Who knew? The heels try to hide under a blanket for some reason, and Ashley jumps on the bed. Match of the night!

(ads)

Backstage….

Hornswaggle: Come back here, you bitch!! Oh, forget it. Hey, Super Crazy. Will you be my friend?

Super Crazy: Hey, look, man, unless you just want me to say “I am Super. I am Crazy. I am Super Crazy,” you’re out of luck.

Hornswaggle: You don’t have to be such and ass about it.

Crazy: Sorry, Jalapeńo, but I’ve got more pressing concerns on my mind. RAW is starting up in HD in a couple weeks, and I’m a hot mess right now.

Hornswaggle: Don’t worry about it, Crazy. This is your last appearance on RAW this year anyway.

Crazy: Uh…Thanks. I guess.

William Regal vs. Triple H
In a First Blood Match

Ugh. I was dying for a Coal Miner’s Glove! Sadly, Regal never did go get those knives. No sense saving them, yo. They don’t really do a whole lot of extraneous stuff outside the ring or with weapons or anything, making this about the most polite first blood match ever. “Are you bleeding yet?” “Not quite.” “Ok then!” Regal does pull out the brass knuckles towards the end of the match, but he doesn’t even try to use them really. They’re just garnish. Triple H ends the match by busting Regal open with a punch to the face. Yep…That was some first blood action there, guys. I guess I’ll just admit that we’re all lucky it wasn’t a tuxedo match. Right?

(ads)

Backstage….

Hornswaggle: What about you, dawg. Do you want to be in the Royal Rumble?

Santino Marella: Shut-a up! I’m-a depressed that-a I can’t be-a the heel!

Hornswaggle: You do realize that you don’t have to be Cody Rhodes any more, right? And you didn’t even when you went out there for that match….

Santino: I know-a! But everyone-a on the Internet-a loves me-a! I can’t-a stay heel-a! But when-a I do turn-a the face, it will be-a the disaster-a!

Hornswaggle: That actually makes a lot of sense. Way to have a forward vision for your career, dude.

Santino: Good-a luck finding-a the partner, Cheatum-a!

Chris Jericho comes down to the ring. What could he possibly be doing out there?

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Abe Orton and John Bradshaw Leyfield
In a Handicap Match

The handicap is Jericho’s shirt. Ech! Lawler and Ross mention that Abe is in the Rumble Match now, having qualified over The Berzerker at a house show some time in September. They swear. Honest. Speaking of J.R., it was nice of Matt Vasgersian to point out J.R. on the sidelines at that Oklahoma/West Virginia game, especially since Oklahoma was losing in a route. Speaking of pointing out embarrassing things, JBL has really let himself go, eh? Most guys try to…work out before they attempt a comeback, you know? Anyway, Abe doesn’t even pay attention to the match, so it mostly features JBL getting disqualified for hitting Jericho with the ring bell and then choking him with a cable. Be careful, John! That’s the new HD Cable!

(ads)

The Highlanders vs. Hornswaggle and B.H. Jordan
In a “Match”

Yeah, I guess the RAW Roulette Wheel landed on a “Match” match. That’s a pretty awesome choice. B.H. Jordan, in case you’re not familiar (and who isn’t?) is looks like he weighs about 12 pounds. As awesome as it would be to see ol’ B.H. in the Rumble match, the sound of crashing cars means that this is actually-

The Highlanders vs. Mick Foley and Hornswaggle
In a “Match”

Are the Highlanders still evil? I never could really follow the storyline of that show. It could be because it was an entire series about flashbacks. It could also be because I watched it at 2 a.m. when they didn’t need to show them in even the vaguest sense of order. It was still a pretty good show though. And watching a Season Five episode right after a Season Two episode still made more sense than TNA. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, right. This midget match. Foley beats up both the Highlanders by himself, and Hornswaggle rolls up Rory for the win. Hornswaggle and Foley are the latest sure eliminations in the Royal Rumble!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. Totally Not Jamal
Cage Match

I wish they would’ve saved the “Dress Like Your Opponents” for this match. Randy Orton is at ringside, which is the first time he’s even been mentioned on this show. He’s WWE Champion, you know. Maybe somebody will fall over, though. That’ll make everything alright. Not Jamal beats on Jeff for a while, and then Jeff tries to leave. Not Jamal isn’t having any of that though. Hey, man, it’s not even the top of the hour yet. I know there are volcanoes to be built and everything, but you can at least wait until after these…

(ads)

When we come back, Jeff and Not Jamal are still wrestling. That’s suprising! The crowd is going nuts, they even went nuts for Foley which was a pleasant surprise. Not Jamal goes for a Thumb to the Eye, but Jeff counters by wearing eye makeup. Not Jamal isn’t getting that goop on his fingers. No way. Jeff tries to get out the door, but Randy slams it in his face. Well…That wasn’t very nice, was it? I can only hope Randy was worried that there was a draft in the cage with that door open. Jeff, however, takes it in stride, climbs to the top of the cage, and then falls off onto Not Jamal. Orton wins! But wait…Jeff rolls into a cover! 1...2...3!! HARDY WINS! HARDY WINS!! JEFF HARDY IS GOING TO THE ROYAL RUMBLE!! Well…he already was, but…well…never mind.

Next Week: JBL attempts to lose some weight by bench pressing crates of unsold Save_Us.Y2J T-Shirts. Randy Orton dresses up as Jeff Hardy…Just because. And the loveable team of Shawn Michaels and Ken Kennedy continue their dominance of the tag team division.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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