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Kane or No Kane? 

January 16, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Jeff Hardy done threw himself off a cage again. Ashley returned from Survivor China, where was totally wasted not helping her team dig up truffles. And everybody SPUN THE WHEEL TO MAKE THE DEAL! Who will make a deal…TONIGHT?!
Maybe it will be Jeff Hardy, who’s on his way out to the ring right now. Oh, don’t do it, Jeff! You’ve still got the million dollar case in play!

Jeff Hardy: I know what you’re all thinking, but I can’t turn down $114,000! You could build three…maybe four volcanoes with that kind of cash!

Crowd: No Deal!!

Jeff: Howie, I’m going to take the money.

Kane: Are you talking to me? I don’t have $114,000!

Jeff: Oh! Well then I guess I’ll take the WWE Title at Royal Rumble! Yeah! How about that transition?

Randy Orton’s ghastly visage appears on the Titantron.

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, WEB Chimp, and all around gasping village! I have made an apprehension here on this very TaterTot to issue you a challenger. Since I’ve already kickered your brother Max in the head, hows about I take your Intergender title too to further the humanitization of Jeb Hardy?

Jeff: I accept!

Orton: Yay! Orton wins!

Jeff: And, Randy, tonight, I’m going to take you out!

Orton: If I would’ve knowered that, I would’ve broughten my nice suit! Where are we going Olive Garland?

Then a couple girls come out! The girls match is next!


Survivor Ashley, Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) and Alexis Laree vs. Melina, Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix

I completely forgot that Beth Phoenix existed. Is that bad? OBJECTION! Beth’s probably depressed that the next Beth Phoenix: Ace Attorney Game won’t even feature Beth Phoenix. Ashley’s depressed because she wasn’t invited back for Surivor: Half-Assed All Stars even though freaking Parvati is, though I’ll take some delight in Jeff Probst saying “Poverty” every time she does something. Maria’s depressed everybody already knows that she’s going to be in Playboy and that she lost her other glove. Melina’s depressed that she has to star in that stupid WWE En Espanol ad. Jillian’s depressed that everybody’s making fun of her awesome entrance music. Alexis is always depressed. Beth wins by hitting Alexis with a whip. HOLD IT!

I bet 90% of you won’t even understand half of that last paragraph. SO for something a little easier, here’s William Regal and Vince McMahon.

William Regal: So, she’s a lawyer who has a boyfriend who can become dead people?

Vince McMahon: I don’t know, William. I try not to think about it. Instead, I’m playing Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. It’s pretty much the same game, but with ten times less thinking.

Regal: Did this segment have an actual point, sir?

Vince: Look! I’m holding an enema!

Regal: That’s…uh…great.

Vince: Have fun beating Ric Flair tonight! Ah, and speaking of High Definition, which I wasn’t, here’s somebody I never want to see in High Definition.

Abe Orton: That hurts, boss. Besides…can’t you see me in real life right now?

Vince: I’m not wearing my glasses. What’d you want?

Abe: Why did Kane get to be Howie Mandell? He doesn’t even work on this show!

Vince: The segment needed more Kane. Besides, Kane has Howie’s friendliness and warmth. You don’t.

Abe: Aw…Well, that’s ok. Tonight, I’m going to make an Impact!

Vince: Impact, you say?

Abe: Impact!

Vince: Ok. You’re fired!

Abe: Yes! Tomko here I come!

Vince: Impact!


Shawn Michaels is in the ring.

Shawn Michaels: So I guess this year, I have to qualify for the Royal Rumble. Who else are you going to put in there? Funaki? Hiltonhotel? But I guess I have to submit to WWE’s wishes, which means no bitching about not working with Hunter every week, no complaining about Totally Not Jamal’s Samoan mirror chaps idea, and no whining about having to qualify for the Royal Rumble.

Shawn Michaels vs. Trevor Murdoch
In a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match

And then Shawn starts laughing. J.R. mentions that Cade got hurt, so I guess poor Trevor is off to Internet Heat now. Aw. Shawn is a very interesting shade of…burnt sienna. I love it, because the skin around his eyes and lips are a completely different color from the rest of his body. He looks like he’s wearing a Shawn Michaels costume. Murdoch is actually starting to get into shape now, and his sideburns are starting to become more neatly trimmed. In about three months, he’s going to become Lance Cade. With awful tattoos. Shawn wins with a Figure Four which never actually develops into a Figure Four. A Figure Three, if you wheeeeeel.

Ken Kennedy: Congratulations, Shawn Michaels! You are in the Royal Rumble! But I want you to know that, even though I don’t like wrestling you, I’m going to wrestle you next week. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t be wrestling!

Shawn Superkicks Murdoch.



Remember when Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan? And then they both went crazy? Yeah…Me too!


Vince McMahon: Hookshot, I want to tell you something. Come here.

Hornswoggle: What is it? I’m fighting Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, and The Great Khali in a Handicap Match? Wow. I’m so shocked.

Vince: No! No, no, no. I’m starting to warm up to the idea of having a midget son. And just like I put Shane in the European Title chase, and Stephanie in the Women’s division in the past, I’ve got to let you represent. That’s why I’m bringing back the Juniors!

Hornswoggle: Is this just so you can bring back Super Porky?

Vince: We fired Super Porky? Well crap.

Hornswoggle: This isn’t going to end well for me is it?

Vince: Look at it this way, at least you’re not doing a stage show of The Wizard of Oz in Hobboken for 20 people and $15 a night.

Hornswoggle: Hey, don’t knock it. Those guys are Union.


Elsewhere, Triple H is backstage looking for some different colored tights now that Not Jamal ruined it for him.


Triple H vs. Abe Orton

I guess he’s not fired after all. Maybe he’s making an iMPACT! by not adding his significant drawing power to TNA programming. Seriously, though, it can’t be any worse than Goldust carrying around a mouse, could it? Or anything involving Eric Young. Hunter, to his credit, has picked out black trunks to wear. Is that why Goldberg, Austin, Lesner, Booker, and Mark Jindrak don’t work here anymore? Damn you, Triple H! You broke up the best potential stable of all time there!


Actually, now that I think about it, that would be a pretty awful stable. Thanks, Hunter. Abe tries to beat up Hunter while J.R. and Lawler pass the time by talking about how gross it’s going to be seeing Abe’s backne in HD. Then they say iMPACT! a hundred times in 20 seconds. I think you guys are doing this wrong. Abe locks on the bear hug, in obvious anticipation of the Big Show’s big return. Hunter isn’t having any of that though (Show also wears black), so he nails Abe with a sledgehammer for the DQ. Then he hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON~! Or, as Jim Ross says, “Checking Orton’s Pedgiree.” Um…Ew. Vince McMahon appears on the TitanTron to taunt Hunter about how he gave up his Royal Rumble spot only to get it back again, but Hunter isn’t listening. HHH takes his sledgehammer and throws it through the TitanTron (ok, just the little mini screen, but still). The fabric of space/time (AKA the cloth part of the mini-TitanTron) tears, God’s presence is reunited with his people, the earth stands still, The Ghost of Road Warrior Hawk falls off the top, and the TitanTron explodes taking out half the arena with it. Join us next week for our new set.


I hope the just roll out a huge video screen that looks like the letters H and D. That kind of awesomely tacky move would be absolutely perfect for the next two years on this show.


Vince McMahon: I can’t believe you blew up the little TitanTron underneath the big one. You pansy!

Triple H: Pat Patterson taught me everything I know about throwing a sledgehammer.

Vince: So are you happy that you’re going to be in the Royal Rumble?

HHH: Yeah, I guess. Just make sure I’m in towards the end. I’ve gotta get my nap on.

Vince: Oh, but if you lose next week, you’re out again.

HHH: If I lose next week and get out of the Rumble, can I take that day off?

Vince: Sure, I guess….

HHH: Ooh! Screw it then. I’ve got some old tapes I wanted to go through.

Meanwhile, JBL is making his way to the ring as red and black balloons fall from the ceiling. Is he joining the nWo Wolfpac?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not joining the nWo Wolfpac! Quite frankly, I don’t know that I could put up with Konan. No, these balloons are dropping here tonight to remind all of you to vote for me in the Alabama primary in a few weeks. Remember: Vote JBL, because you won’t vote for the Mormon, the black guy, or the woman! Now, as for Chris Jericho, I hope he’s watching the show tonight after I tried to kill him last week. Chris, you came back to try to save WWE, but we’re just as bad as we ever were. I mean…Vince still has a midget following him around, Big Daddy V and The Great Khali are still prominently featured in our programming, and for some reason, there’s still women’s wrestling. This place is a mess. So this message goes out to Chris Jericho’s children: Kids, if you’re listening, tell your dad to stop dressing up like Jem’s boyfriend and start wrestling? Ok? Thanks.


Remember when Kane and Triple H were feuding? Man, me neither!

Hornswoggle vs. The World
In a Mini-Rumble Match

Ok, that’s a lie. Although if it was “vs. The World” it would be pretty awesome. I’d mess him up. Actually, the second entry in the Mini-Rumble Match is Kennedycito. Kennedycito tries to reach his mic, but he can’t. Can somebody get him Hornswoggle’s step ladder? They fight for a little while, and a buzzer sounds signifying the entrance of #3 Mankindcito! Mankindcito’s entire contribution to the match is pulling out a little sock and getting kicked in the balls. Which pretty much accurately sums up the last three years of Foley’s career. Hornswoggle tosses Li’l Kennedy and Mankind.

Kennedycito: …!

Batistacito is number 4, and he’s pretty awesome. He comes down to the ring, sets off his fireworks, pulls out his dictionary, sets it on a chair, and starts playing “Lemonade Stand.” That’s about the most accurate portrayal of Dave you’ll ever get without drawing his tattoos on in marker. Which he then does, so this guy pretty much is Batista. Kanecito comes out and rapes a Barbie in honor of our previous video package. Hornswoggle eventually throws them both out. Now it’s time for entrant #6, The Great Khali, only it isn’t The Great Khalicito. Aw…That would’ve been neat. They could’ve had Indian Eric Bischoff be The Great Khalicito, and have a midget be Indian Eric Bischoffcito. Just as Khali is about to punt Hornswoggle into the crowd, entrant #7 Fit Finlay runs down and starts whacking at him with a sheleighly. Khali bails, and Finlay throws Hornswoggle out. Finlay wins!!


HD! HD! It stands for Huh, Dude? RVD in action next week!


Fit Finlay: I thought we had a deal!

Vince McMahon: I thought I told you never to mention our deal in public!

Finlay: What public? This camera guy?

Camera Guy Steve: Hey, don’t mind me!

Vince: I…I kind of forgot what our deal was anyway.

Finlay: I think it had something to do with 14,000 Q-Tips, a bunch of shares in some shady internet outfit, and a glass of sacred goat milk.

Vince: Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

Kane: Deal or No Deal?!

Vince: Kane, buddy, it was funny the first time…maybe. Not so much now though.

Finlay: That Anya is hot though.

Kane: Yeah. I’d set it on fire.


Out in the arena, Ric Flair and William Regal are going to the ring. What ever will happen there?


Ric Flair vs. William Regal
If Flair Loses He Has to Dress Like
AJ Styles For Martin Luther King Day

So, as you can tell, the stakes are pretty high. There is about ten minutes left to go in this show, so I don’t exactly know who they think they’re fooling. This match is also “joined in progress” which is code for, “Oh, crap, we just realized there are ten minutes left to go in this show, pretend you wrestled during the break.” Flair locks in the Figure Four (See, Shawn? It’s not that hard!), but Regal squirms out. He rolls up Flair with the tights, but WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance is wise to him. He does, however, miss Flair using the tights on his roll-up attempt, which lands him the win.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton are playing POGS.


Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Orton kicks Jeff in the balls. That’s a DQ.

Wow. What an epic main event that was! The combatants brawl up the ramp. Jeff tosses Randy off the entryway, climbs up the wreckage of the TitanTron half of the stadium and jumps off 500 feet with a Swanton on top of the general area where Randy Orton was. Arn Anderson, Ricky Steamboat, and Mike Rotunda come out to bitch at Jeff and Randy about how, in their day, this sort of thing wouldn’t fly. But nobody’s listening because they’re both pretty much puddles of their former selves. Well, Jeff’s puddle throws up the Shocker, so I guess some things never change.

Next Week: RAW in HD! Hard Depression! Ken Kennedy and Shawn Michaels wrestle in a match to determine which one of them has the more ridiculous tan. And Triple H takes on his own soothing voice for a spot in the Royal Rumble!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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