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RAW SATIRE    
I'd Rather Be Watching Terminator... 

January 22, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Everything happened in Standard D, which wasn’t very impressive. Jeff Hardy, like, broke Randy Orton into a bajillion pieces (actual number). And Triple H broke the goddamn TitanTron. So what’s getting broke…TONIGHT?!
 
Martin Luther King Jr. is a handsome man in HD. Wait…is that what I’m supposed to be noticing here?

(Opening Credits)

And…we’re Live and In HD, with a whole new set which looks like the other set had sex with some Skittles and then exploded, and what was left barfed up video screens. Oddly enough, this is the design I had picked

out for my remodeling job. You know what looks great in High Definition? Lasers and football. So I hope somebody shoots some lasers at some footballs here tonight. Am I right? Huh? Oh, shut up. What do you people know about high definition anyway?

Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy

Speaking of people who don’t know anything about high definition, here’s Shawn Michaels, who still looks like a lightly toasted husk. Hey, call me crazy, Prancer, but I don’t think it says “Apply Full Jar” on your Fake Tan, ok? Possibly because it comes in a spray or bottle and not a jar. WWE’s crack non-union writing staff wastes no time coming up with Packers jokes to throw out at Kennedy. Seriously, that new entrance is really distracting. Anyway, Shawn goes for a Superkick, but gets distracted by the entrance, so Kennedy bails.

(ads)

I just realized that Shawn Michaels looks almost exactly like Tom Coughlin around halftime of Sunday’s game. Which is pretty scary actually. Put a scarf on, Shawn! Maybe that’s why Kennedy agreed to this match this week. Now *I’m* coming up with the bad sports jokes. Whatever. I was sick all weekend, so give me a break here. It’s either this, or a stunning commentary on how high definition allows you to pick out exactly how many hairs Shawn has left to comb over (47) or a discussion on what’s happening on Terminator right now (Summer Glau is putting on glitter eye make-up). I refuse to talk about the match, except to say that Shawn catches Kennedy with the Superkick for the win.

Elsewhere….

Randy Orton: Mr. McSand, I’m so glad that you called, me, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy into your orifice-

Vince McMahon: Woah, Randy, let’s not get hasty now-

Orton: After all, it makes sentence to have the WUG Champagne here in High Defamation! Look how pretty I look! PRETTY TO THE TV SCREEN!

Vince: That’s great, Randy. Really. But what I called you here to my, um, office about was that quite frankly, I think you and Jeff Hardy should just let bygones be bygones this week. Forget about that whole TitanTron jumping thing last week and shake hands like professionals.

Orton: Vance McPants, I am nothing if not a general men. I am in acceptance of your hand shakery, and wish to learn more about this Jeb Hotkey character you seem so intervested in.

Vince: Um…Jeff Hardy? The guy you’ve been feuding with for the last month? He jumped off the TitanTron at you last week?

Orton: Sorry.

Vince: Oh, just shut up and watch Terminator with me.

(ads)

Beth Phoenix vs. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Alexis is getting her 900th title shot because she’s the only face girl who can wrestle. Also because RAW is in her home town of…uh…Virginia (Motto: Experience Virginia--In HD!). If it pleases the court, I’d like to point out that HD is not kind to Alexis’ hair. Or Beth Phoenix’s offense. Yikes. Maybe she should’ve stuck to lawyering. Does the ending to the Phoenix Wright games bother anybody else? I just thought I’d throw that one out there. Upon further review, this might not even be a title match. It’s not like I can trust Lillian to tell me. Beth wins with a Gavel to the Face, anyway. OBJECTION!

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Triple H.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I have to ask you, do you realize how awful you look in HD?

Triple H: No! How awful is that?

Grisham: You look about as awful as I constantly feel.

HHH: Oh, man! That’s not good! The Royal Rumble is going to be in HD too! What do I do?

Creepy Girl: Don’t worry, Triple H! The mirrors will fix everything.

Elephant: Mghhhhhrp!

HHH: Mirrors! Yeah! That’ll help! That’s what Shawn uses, right? Lay it on me, Creepy Girl!

Creepy Girl blows some mirror dust at Hunter, but Todd Grisham jumps in front of the cloud and explodes into a ball of color.

HHH: That was amazing.

Creepy Girl: That was the mirrors.

(ads)

Backstage….

Brian Kendrick: I can’t believe it! We get promo time and our own back segment this week. Paul London getting hurt is, like, my winning the lottery!

Cody Rhodes: Hey, yeah, maybe we shouldn’t blow it by talking about how shocked we are by the fact that we’re in this segment!

Kendrick: Oh! Good idea! We could use it for…character building! Or getting characters! And you could turn heel!

Rhodes: A most astute observation, my dear Spanky.

Kendrick: Why, thank you.

Hardcore Holly: All right. Segment over. You’re wasting too much time.

Kendrick: Aww crud. Let’s go blog on Myspace about how unfair WWE treats us, Cody.

Holly: MYSPACE?! What the hell is a Myspace?

Rhodes: Yeah, welcome to the Internets, Bob. You see, there’s a series of tubes that connects all the computers and-

Holly: Wait…you mean like Facebook?

Kendrick: If you say so, Gramps.

LOL

Meanwhile, enjoy this Randy Orton tribute package. A Tribute to Randy’s Package. Check out that shifty OMEGA Footage they threw in there!

Elsewhere, Finlay and Hornswoggle are drinking a pint of ale.

(ads)

Fit Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. The Highlanders

Poor Highlanders. Four hundred years roaming the earth, and they’re still jobbing to a midget. WWE.com has a story up right now about families that could use the McMahon family counseling. I’d actually love to see Jamie Lynn Spears get into it with The Great Khali. I bet she’d kick his ass though. Finlay lays out Robbie and Hornswoggle gets the Tadpole Splash for the win. After the match, they chase Rory around the ring with the shillelagh for a while. I hope Finlay beats the hell out of Hornswoggle at the Rumble. Just because.

Backstage, Chris Jericho is trying to figure out a way to look cool in HD. Keep…keep trying, man.

(ads)

Chris Jericho is out in the ring. For once his outfit is less gaudy than the TitanTron!

Chris Jericho: Last week, back in the golden-tinged days of standard definition, JBL came out here and insulted me and my children. To be completely fair to JBL, my kids probably deserved it. But not me! No, I didn’t deserve being insulted last week, and I definitely did not deserve to be drug around by my neck two weeks ago! And I’d punch JBL right in the mouth for both those offenses, but he realized what a gas bag he looked like last week in standard def, so he’s spending this week saunaing it up in Cabo so that he can get in shape for the Royal Rumble. But let me tell you something, John, you can enjoy all the relaxation, drinks with umbrellas in it, and crash diets you’d like, I will still have the edge in personal style! And frankly…that’s kind of sad. Geez, this was a depressing interview.

Backstage….

Jeff Hardy: Man, I can’t wait to win the WWE Title! Imagi will be so proud! I’ll write a whole book of the happiest, most glorious emoetry ever! Ever!

Vince McMahon: You do realize that you’re losing, right?

Jeff: WHAT?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Yeah, I’m not even here to catchphrase with you, man. You’re totally jobbing.

Sean Cold Val Venis: Like me on Internet Heat.

Jeff: Oh, man! Everybody I know is going to be watching the Rumble because I told them that I was finally going to win the title!

Vince: So what…four people then?

Jeff: Shut up! Way to push me and then cast me aside…again! I hate you guys!!

Jeff runs off.

(ads)

Brian Kendrick vs. Totally Not Jamal

William Regal let’s Kendrick know that if he wins this match, he qualifies for the Royal Rumble. Then everybody has a good laugh, because…seriously. Though, I guess they do need somebody that they can chuck into the fifth row after three seconds. Has Funaki qualified yet? No, Hornswoggle doesn’t count. That guy’s going to win it all. I can’t wait for the CM Punk/Hornswoggle main event at Mania. Anyway, Kendrick gets about twelve more moves in than you would expect (all backflips) and Not Jamal pokes him in the eye for the win. BRIAN KENDRICK IS NOT GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Backstage….

Alexis Laree: I don’t get it. Why can’t I ever win any matches?

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with Just Kenny. Just saying….

Survivor Ashley: What’s going on? Gathering of the naked people? I’m down with that!

Alexis: I’m going to go call Raven. He’ll know what to say to me. Later, jerks.

Ashley: Totally. So, guess what?

Maria: You found my other glove?!

Ashley: Um…no. I got you an offer to take off all your clothes! For Playboy!

Maria: It’s every girl’s dream!

Santino Marella: Maria-a! You’re not-a taking hair-a styling tips from-a the Ashley are-a you?!

Maria: Hahahahahahahahah…no.

Santino: Oh, thank-a God! She looks-a like one-a of those Troll-a dolls!

Maria: With tusks!

Ashley: Geez. See if I ever try to convince you to get naked again.

(ads)

I guess Vince is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice this week. Too bad we won’t get to see his epic showdown with Gene Simmons.

At ringside, Jerry Lawler is wearing 3D glasses in the hopes that they’ll show The Muppet Vision 3D on the TitanTron later.

Here’s a tribute video for Jeff Hardy subtitled “He Falls Off Things.” That’s another reason to pick Orton on Sunday.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Santino Marella and Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/ Cody Rhodes)

This isn’t a Royal Rumble qualifying match because all these people have already qualified for the Royal Rumble. Except Maria, I guess. But that’s coming to a WWE Live event near you. So this match is pretty much just to remind you that Holly and Rhodes are the tag team champions which, I have to admit, I forgot as soon as they entered the ring and took off the belts. Santino starts pelting the ring with meatballs, and while Holly bitches that that’s not an effective use of his time, Carlito hits the Back Cracker for the win.

(ads)

Hunter is out, but he’s stopped by William Regal.

William Regal: I know we said that that we’d let you have a match to get yourself into the Royal Rumble, but we’re actually going to make you wrestle three different matches. Because we haven’t quite had our daily allotment of Triple H yet.

Triple H vs. Abe Orton

Yeah, Abe isn’t very attractive in HD. What’s scary is that that’s just reason to give him another push. The rules are that if Hunter can toss Orton over the top, he moves on to the next match, but if Orton or any of the other guys dumps Hunter, the match is over. We’re running out of time for people to qualify for the Rumble, and I’m pretty sure HHH is taking it this year, so I’ll leave it up for you to decide what I think is going to happen here. Wait…did The Miz qualify? Seriously? Heh. Awesome. Hunter drops Orton to the floor for the win.

Triple H vs. Mark Henry

Clearly, the thought process behind this match was, “Oh, crap, we just realized that we no longer have any black wrestlers on RAW.” That’s what you get for not planning ahead, guys. Wait, where’s Charlie Haas? He’s black, right? Henry mauls Hunter for a while, but avoids throwing him out entirely. That’s not very good strategic planning, Mark. Hunter goes for the body slam, but Mark is too fat. Ha! Take that Triple H’s back! Ultimately, however, Triple H is able to avoid a Mark Henry charge and eliminate him.

Triple H vs. William Regal

Regal waves off the last guy and goes down himself. Wait…who was it supposed to be?

Backstage….

Rob Van Dam: No? Ok, whatever you say, dude!

Vince McMahon: Rob? What are you even doing here?

RVD: I heard RAW was going to be in High Definition, dude!

Vince: I don’t think that means what you think that means.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

The Great Khali: AAAAAHHHPGGAH!

Hunter throws Regal out for the victory.

Backstage, Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton are walking around. In HD!

(ads)

Vince is on his way to the ring.

Vince McMahon: Yeah, that’s right. The main event of this show is going to be a handshake. Hahahaha! I bet you fools wish you’d watched the Australian Open instead of this crap, huh? Anyway, here are our competitors, Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton.

Randy Orton: Josh Harpy, when I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, learned that you were the number only computer for the WOW Chocolatechip, I was filled with overjoy! After all, you are nothing but a jogger and a loser! Whence was the last time you came close to willing the bet? When you almost beat Takerster in 1987? HA! But after you jumped off that video morter last week, you earned my reflect. In closing…DESTINY!

Jeff Hardy: I earned your RESPECT?! I wanted to hurt YOU! I wanted to do it for my BROTHER! I want to win the TITLE! It has come to my attention that I will NOT! And I think that SUCKS! But know this, Randy Orton, Legend Kill Guy or not, I will hurt YOU!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: He is very good at PROMOS!

Jeff: And I won’t shake your hand. Hell no! Instead I’ll shake everybody else’s hand. Like Jim Ross! And Jerry Lawler! And Lillian Garcia! And Steve and Joe and Christine and Ed and Jimmy Rae and Michelle and That Guy in the Banana Costume over there’s hand! Yeah! And Tough Enough Jessie! I’ll even shake her hand!

Tough Enough Jessie: You got make-up on me! WAAAAAH!

Jeff: Yeah! Take that! I like random people in the crowd better than you!

Vince: Well, that wasn’t a waste of time.

Orton: But I’m more PRETTY than this crowd will ever beed!

Then Jeff hits him with the Twist of Fate.

Vince: Jeff reigns on the last RAW before the PPV. Therefore he will lose. So it is written, so shall it be done.

Jeff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!

Sunday: In the most Thrilling Conclusion to the Royal Rumble ever, Triple H accidentally gets eliminated and Jamie Noble wins the match. Jeff Hardy falls off the ring apron three minutes into the WWE Title Match, giving Orton the victory. And Maria finally admits to Santino that, yes, she is taking hair style tips from Survivor Ashley.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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