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RAW SATIRE    
Prepare for... the Eliminator Chamber! 

January 30, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Jeff Hardy failed to do anything of note. Chris Jericho did things of note, but not in a good way with JBL. And somebody won the Royal Rumble. I forget who though. Maybe it was Tommy Dreamer? I guess we’ll find out…TONIGHT!!

(Opening Credits)

You know what I haven’t had for a long time? Some APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOOOOOO!
 

John Cena is back!
He’s winnin’ the Rumble,
There’s no need to stutter,
No need to mumble!

We worked all y’all,
I wasn’t even hurt!

Celebrity Apprentice
?
I’d rather eat dirt!

Make my big return,
The rest are just chumps!
Hope my shoulder stays together,
When I’m taking the bumps!

 
Goin’ for the Spinnin’ Title,
John Cena versus Orton!
Gotta make sure,
It isn’t a total abortion!

So, you know, I’m back,
Let’s make one thing very clear,
I’m still the king of rhyming
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Randy Orton: Well, if it isn’t my own numismatist Joe Cedar! Already recoupered from your smolder injury, I see! Well, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, am the WOO Chimp! Not you!

Cena: By God, you’re right! You’ve got the WWE Spinnin’ Title! The Champ is THERE! Randy Orton, you are the smartest man I know.

Orton: I most circumfrancly am smarker than a fifth lager.

Cena: Randy, I know I couldn’t in a billion years outsmart you. That’s why I’m giving up. I want to give up my title shot at Wrestlemania.

Orton: ORTON WINS! DESTINY! Ranky Q. Morgan is GOING TO WIGGLESTRALIA!

Cena: But I did win the Royal Rumble…So hows about we wrestle at an off-month PPV that nobody but our mothers will order?

Orton: That sounds like a splenda idea! We’ll wrestle for the UUUUE Chocolatechip at No Way! Get Out!

Cena: It’s on like a neckbone! Nobody will know who to boo!

Orton: Oh, smocks. You know they’ll zoo you!

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

(ads)

Survivor Ashley and Alexis Laree vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix

Beth pretends to cry, I’m assuming because WWE won’t book her against Miles Edgeworth over on Smackdown. That’s a feud you’ve got to build to! Show some restraint for once. It’s not like you’re feuding with Torrie Wilson or Godot over here. Lillian Garcia meanwhile, feeling the pressure to one-up Mike Adamle now, calls Lillian the “WWE Diva Women’s Girl’s Knockout European Champion of the World!” She and Mike should interview Orton, just to see what happens. The story of the match is that Alexis and Beth won’t even look at their pathetic excuses for partners, so, of course, Alexis loses again.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: What the hell is that? Is that a toupee? Your hair has been looking super raggedy for, like, the last six months, man.

William Regal: Yes, well, it happens to all British men. As we get older our hair begins to look more and more like a cheap toupee. Also, I’m a vampire.

Vince: Oh. Yeah, that explains it. So did you hear that promo Cena and Orton gave earlier?

Regal: Hmm? No. Sorry, I must’ve zoned out there for a half hour. Completely missed it.

Vince: Dammit. Me too. I just saw it was on the flow sheet for tonight, so I thought I’d find out what that was all about.

Regal: I’m afraid I’m no good there. So what do you think about No Way Out? We’re short a big match for it that will draw in all the wrestler’s mothers. Should we have “that match” I was talking to you about?

Vince: “That match?” You don’t mean-

Regal: Oh, yes! Indeed I do! What better way to get the people who slack off on the shows between the Rumble and Mania to order a PPV than to have “that match” involved?

Vince: Quite frankly, Mr. Regal, I don’t see how having Maria wrestle Hoopdreams in a bowl of pudding is going to sell any PPVs, but I guess that’s why you’re the general manager and I’m not.

Regal: Not that “that match!” You know…The other one.

Vince: Piper vs. Dreamer?

Regal: Oh, forget it.

(ads)

Regal has made his way out onto the stage….

William Regal: Apparently, earlier tonight, John Cena challenged Randy Orton to a WWE Title Match at No Way Out. Which kind of sucks, because I guess a couple people would’ve paid to see that match. But since I already booked a different match, I guess we’ll just have to have two RAW main events. And no Smackdown one. Am I right? Right? Oh, forget it. The other RAW Main Event? Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly taking on Santino Marella and Carlito Caribbean Cool, of course! Hahaha…Just joshing, you guys. Seriously, though, we’re having an Elimidate Chamber, and the winner gets to go out on a date with Michelle McCool on an episode of Smackdown later this year! And the combatants are: Chris Jericho! JBL! Shawn Michaels! Jeff Hardy! Totally Not Jamal! And Triple H! Guess which one will win? Here’s hint, four of those guys have absolutely no chance of winning, and Shawn isn’t winning either! Oh, and if you forgot the rules of the Elimidate Chamber, well…I did too. So if any of you remember, would you kindly shoot me an e-mail? Thanks!

And now, a word with Mike Adamle at ringside….

Mike Adamle: Wow. What a night. This is Mike Adamle here in Gladiator Arena, and with me as always is my broadcast partner Larry Csonka!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Umm…They wouldn’t spring for Csonka. So you’re stuck with me.

Adamle: Who are you?

Hatori: Do you watch the Food Network?

Adamle: Nope.

Hatori: I’m Emeril.

Adamle: BAM! Am I right?

Hatori: Err…Sure thing.

Adamle: Anyway, I can’t wait to see tonight’s big main event! Chris Jethro and Jeff Harvey taking on J.D. Drew and Ricky Morton! That guy is still wrestling? I can’t believe it! What are you looking forward to, Emeril?

Hatori: Huh? Are you talking to me?

Adamle: Yes. Yes I am.

Hatori: I’m looking forward to…uh…Can I pass?

Adamle: Now down to the arena where the contenders will take on Gemini in The Assault!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Santino Marella and Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella)) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Hardcore Holly)

Cody and Hardcore are the tag team champions, by the way. I know. It shocks the hell out of me every time they come out too. Do you think WWE traded Hogan for Adamle straight up? Because…it was still probably worth it. I would’ve liked to see them get a righty for the bullpen or some prospects anyway, but you take what you can get, I guess. It’s not every day you have a chance to acquire a former XFL announcer. Unless you check eBay, I guess. Hey, Carlito already won the match with a Back Stabber. That’s neat. Meanwhile, Maria models the apple.

Backstage….

Triple H: You know, I don’t get it. I figured, man, I got this thing in the bag! You know, after John Morrison was eliminated, I figured I had smooth sailing. But then they jammed Cena out there, I lose the match, and now he’s not even going to Wrestlemania? That’s ridiculous.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you don’t?

HHH: That was deep, Shawn. Which one of the Psalms is that?

Shawn: Two hundred-something, I think. Anyway, look, the point I’m trying to make is that you’re going to win the Elimidate Chamber for sure. And you’re going to go out on that date with Michelle McCool and go to Wrestlemania and all that. And what does ol’ HBK get to do, huh? Sit around and comb my chest hair all night. That’s what. Woo freakin’ hoo.

HHH: You want to tag with me tonight? Huh? Beat up Totally Not Jamal for a while? Would that make you feel better?

Shawn: Maybe a little….

HHH: You can even punch Abe Orton in his stupid face!

Shawn: Oh, ok! You got me!

(ads)

Boobsie McTitsalot? Still has boobs. Thanks for the update, WWE!

In the ring….

Triple H: For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home, and for Michael Buffer who wouldn’t be caught dead watching this show in a million years-

Elsewhere….

Michael Buffer: Heh. That’s right. Wait a minute!

Back in the arena….

HHH: Let’s get ready to SUUUUUUUUuuuuuck Iiiiiiiiit!

Shawn Michaels: And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for ya! Praise Jesus!

Degeneration X vs. Totally Not Jamal and Abe Orton

Triple H manages to get a “Brush Your Teeth” chant going in the crowd. I don’t know if that’s directed at Not Jamal (who is wearing the Samoan version of “grillz”) or Abe, who hasn’t been to a dentist since he found out Dr. Isaac Yankem wasn’t a real dentist. What ever happened to that guy anyway? He was a real hoss. WWE could use more guys like Dr. Isaac Yankem. You know, I never thought about this, but maybe Hunter is just trying to convey a good public service message by reminding the thousands in attendance (and, by proxy, the millions watching at home) to practice good oral hygene. Heh…Oral.

(ads)

Shout out, by the way, to the people that accurately predicted the commercial breaks during the Royal Rumble in the OOChat room, and to Anglefan for winning the 2008 Online Onslaught Royal Rumble game. Just wastin’ time here so I don’t have to talk about an Abe Orton match for more than a few sentences at a time. Anyway, Not Jamal lines Hunter up for a Thumb to the Eye, but Shawn Superkicks him away. Left alone with Abe Orton, Hunter has no problem nailing the PEDIGREE TO ORTON for the win. DX reigns supreme!

Meanwhile….

John Bradshaw Leyfield: You know, Randy, this is the first time we’ve ever tagged together! I thought for sure that during my run as everybody’s mystery partner a few years ago, that I’d tagged with everybody, but I guess not you!

Randy Orton: I know, Jim Harbaugh Layman, and I’m very accelerated to team with you to fight!

JBL: I’m…not so much.

Orton: That’s ok, JOB! My breast fiends in the whole wide girl, Elle and Lima said the same thing about me when we first stranded Team Rapid Arcade-O! But they got over it. Now you’re my beast fiend!

JBL: I can’t believe I let them talk me into coming back for this. I’d better get a Wrestlemania title shot.

Orton: Oh, I dour it. Even I’m not getting a Wigglestralia tickle match!

JBL: You know, I want absolutely nothing to do with you.

Orton: That’s the teen spirits!

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Jeff Hardy.

Todd Grisham: And who the hell is Mike Adamle anyway? American Gladiators? Come on! I’m Todd Grisham, bitch! We don’t need some other random announcer guy cluttering up this show? I’m the guy! Me!

Jeff Hardy: Yeah, I guess.

Grisham: And what’s the deal with calling you Jeff Harvey? What kind of idiot does that? At least I know everybody’s names!

Hardy: Lillian does it all the time.

Grisham: What’s your deal?

Hardy: I don’t know, man. I guess…I was finally getting pushed, you know? And then out of nowhere I fell over during my match with Orton at the Rumble. And Orton won! Now John Cena’s back and I’m just the Intercontinental Champion again. Nothing but some dude for Triple H to beat up in the Elimidate Chamber. Why have you abandoned me in my moment of need, Imagi?!

Grisham: That’s…yeah. Buck up?

Hardy: What about you? I thought you didn’t even want your stupid job.

Grisham: The truth is, Jeff, I don’t. I just can’t stand that they’d be bringing in some guy to replace me. I tell you what. Why don’t we just end it now? The both of us. Together!

Todd Grisham grabs a giant Q-Tip out of the closet and beats himself with it. Todd Grisham has fallen. Then a giant hamster ball rolls over him.

Hardy: Nah.

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: What’s the deal here! We had it all set up for you to win the Rumble! All you had to do was stay under the ring and not get thrown out!

Hornswoggle: Technically, I never did get thrown out. I’m still in the match!

Maven: Me too!

Vince: Rock?! What are you doing here?! Shouldn’t you be filming a movie or something?

Maven: I’m not th-

Vince: I don’t care any more. Handsanitizer, I’m really disappointed that you’re not the one wasting your WWE Title shot at an off-month PPV. Also, I’m disappointed that you don’t have a pot of gold and that you don’t sing and dance at all hours of the day. Quite frankly, you’re a disappointment of a midget son. Get out of here.

Hornswoggle: Ok! Laters!

Maven: He took that pretty well!

Vince: Man, Rock, you’ve really let yourself go!

(ads)

Brian Kendrick vs. Ken Kennedy

Kendrick is just happy to be out here tonight, I think. I’ll tell you…at least this is better than watching the State of the Union Address. Unless you’re playing the State of the Union Address Drinking Game. Take a drink every time Bush says “War on Tara!” Poor, Tara. Dead lesbian witches don’t get any breaks from conservatives. Just ask Heath Ledger! That joke was brought to you by Warrior. Now, take a drink every time somebody on this show misidentifies somebody else! Kennedy wins after a Mic Check.

Ken Kennedy: I told William Regal not to put me into the Elimidate Chamber, and he laughed and said, “We weren’t going to put you in there anyway, chappy!” So I guess I’ll just have to come up with another match for myself. Like ending Ric Flair’s career! Ric, I’m going to put you down like a diseased animal because you suck!

Mr. Flair, your response?

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Kennedy: SUCK!

(ads)

Melina vs. Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella) (w/ Santino Marella)

Maria’s hair really does look awful in HD. Hey, remember when Melina was relevant? No? Back when she was managing MNM? Oh, come on! That counts! Barely…but it counts! Hey, who’d I piss off to have to cover two women’s matches here tonight anyway? I bet whoever writes the TNA Satire doesn’t have to go through all this. Plus, he gets to write about Donkey Kong and AJ Styles wearing a ghost costume. That’s pretty cool. The story of the match is Maria showing everyone her ass (in HD!) and then sitting on Melina for the win.

Santino Marella: I can’t-a belive that-a you showed-a everyone your ass-a in HD-A! That’s going-a to make-a working with Jim Ross-a and Jerry Lawler-a very uncomfortable-a until Jerry comes-a down! Again-a! Forget about-a Playboy! It certainly-a hasn’t helped-a Boobsie or Ashley-a’s careers any-a!

Backstage….

Jeff Hardy: Todd Grisham died, dude. I guess your interview is cancelled.

Chris Jericho: Well, I mean…we’re both here. And the camera is here. Hey, where’s Mike Adamle?

Hardy: He’s wandering around in the audience trying to buy a program so he can find out who’s on this show.

Jericho: Those things are like, a year old. I’m not even in there yet. I hope he doesn’t start talking about Lashley or something.

Hardy: Well…good interview, man.

Jericho: I’m a badass who wants to beat up JBL really bad! I’m a monster!

Hardy: Hahahaha…You crack me up.

(ads)

Out in the audience….

Mike Adamle: Thanks for coming back everyone, to Gladiator Arena. Our contestants are setting up right now to take on the gladiators in The Wall, but first I wanted to ask you, Emeril, how excited are you for the big return of Bobby Lashley?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Hmm? Me? Oh, right! Uh…He quit.

Adamle: But it says right here! He’s on the RAW Roster! That’s this show, right?

Hatori: That thing is, like, two years old! I bet Daivari is still in there!

Adamle: Yeah! He’s the manager of the seven foot giant The Grape Kool-Aid!

Hatori: You are an incredible journalist.

Adamle: Thanks, Emeril! You’re a great chef! Now don’t forget to call your cable and satellite providers today to order WWE No Way! Get Out! and watch your favorite superstars like Triple 8, Shannon Moore, Umanga, Chris Jethro, Jeff Harvey, and…uh…Nitro in the Eliminator!

Hatori: Indeed!

Jeff Hardy and Chris Jericho vs. John Bradshaw Leyfield and Randy Orton

JBL has continued his training regimen of eating as many pizzas as he can find, I see. He also seems to be suffering no ill effects from being hung by Chris Jericho either, which is kind of funny. It also doesn’t bode well for any golfers that were getting funny ideas about what to do with Tiger Woods, either. Don’t bother, guys. He’ll just no-sell it at the next tournament. Jeff hits the Swanton on Orton, but we’ve still got, like, ten minutes left and we haven’t seen John Cena again, so I doubt that that’s going to hold up. And it doesn’t!

(ads)

Jeff and Chris try to take out Orton, but he’s not even paying attention any more. I think he’s just reveling in the fact that he added the knee lock to his repertoire last night. Remember when he learned the Boston Crab and then he did it in every match for the next six months? I hope he does that with the knee lock too. I need some extra time to grab some chips. So what is Smackdown going to do to pick a number one contender? Bag race? I think ECW is just going to do a caucus. And only Tommy is under the Tommy Dreamer sign. Poor Tommy. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on JBL, but he trips over JBL’s flab and falls over. ORTON WINS! After the match, John Cena comes back out, but JBL can’t see him, so he bails. Left alone to his own devices, Randy Orton just stands around until John Cena can hit him with the FU.

Next Week: Todd Grisham starts his long awaited feud with Mike Adamle. The Elimidate Chamber participants take turns kicking Chuck Palumbo in the balls. And John Cena cries when he learns that the Spinnin’ Title no longer spins.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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