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Yet Another Space-Time Vortex... of SUCK~! 

February 20, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: WWE No Way Out featured Triple H winning a date with Michelle McCool much to the chagrin of a very pregnant Stephanie McMahon. The Big Show made his return, much to the chagrin of Floyd Mayweather, whoever that is. And John Cena didn’t win the WWE Title, much to the chagrin of…The Cena family at least. Who will be chagrined… TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)

Triple H is making his way out to the ring. He won the Elimidate Chamber, you know. And if you didn’t know, I’d suggest you go back and read the introduction paragraph again. Slacker. The Satire is not a work to be skimmed! Not to say that this is, in any way, a fictional account.

Triple H: I totally won that date with Michelle McCool! Yay! I’m going to stand on her hair for a while. I hear she totally digs that. So, anybody want to fill me in on what’s been happening here the last couple weeks? I heard that it was actually two weeks ago two weeks in a row or something? Man. See how messed up things when I’m gone? Man. Like last year. Remember Wrestlemania? Me neither, because I wasn’t on it! So…anybody want to come out here and fill me in?

Randy Orton: For teeth! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holder of the WUD Chocolate Chip! Truly, Triopoly H, it was the greatest two week in the history of our great pork.

HHH: Um…No. Anybody else?

Orton: Jeff Hairpiece beat Shannon Moore! And Vance McClan’s miniature son Hornswoggle bit him in the brass! And Mariza Mozerella Knees Pudge Te-



HHH: Nobody?


Orton Gettin’ Disqualified
For being the biggest ass!
John Cena loses his title shot,
For having the most class!

Livin’ in a time warp,
While Hunter was gone,
Even Spanky wrestled twice,
And Jeff Hardy beat Shawn!

The World’s gone Topsy Turvy,
The Title Belt isn’t Spinnin’!
What kind of place is this,
When even Kennedy’s winnin’?

The one thing you must remember,
One thing should be very clear,
Hunter, Oh my dear Hunter,

HHH: So nobody’s got any insight then? Nice shirt, by the way.

Cena: Thanks!

William Regal: It doesn’t matter what happened last week! Or whatever week that was! What really matters here gentleman is that if John Cena wins his match tonight against Randy Orton, he’ll be able to get in on the Wrestlemania main event too.

HHH: Heeeey!

Regal: Oh, shove it, Triple Haitch. It’s just as legal as the time you and Shawn Michaels fought whatshisface because Shawn stole the contract. And you can be the referee for tonight’s match.

HHH: That sounds like just the right amount of not work that will appease me. Good show, Mr. Regal!

Regal: I say!


Jeff Hardy vs. Abe Orton
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Oh, man! I want a briefcase soooo bad. Can somebody enter me in a match. Put me in there against Shannon Moore or something. They won’t know the difference. Lawler and Ross spend the first ten minutes of this match talking about how every person who’s ever won Money in the Bank has won the WWE Title. Umm…Guys, Ken Kennedy won LAST year and never won the title! I mean, that wasn’t even a year ago yet! Come on! I should also take time to point out that Jeff Hardy, after ten years, finally has new music. And it’s terrible. So he’s got that going for him. Abe knocks Jeff out of the ring and…are we really going to commercial? In this match?!


Nobody believes Abe is going to win this! What would he even do with a briefcase? Put babies in it? Come to think of it, what’s Jeff going to do with it if he wins? Maybe he can keep his emoetry in there. See, Abe? That’s what it takes to be a real Money in the Bank champion. I think I have the flu right now, so I’m really not up for arguing with WWE over even bothering to put Abe out here tonight. It’s not his fault they’re all idiots. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton for the win. Yay!

At ringside, Jerry Lawler wants us all to know that he likes boobs. Thanks for the update, King! Elsewhere, Floyd Mayweather is existing. Good for him!


Now, to Mike Adamle!

Mike Adamle: What a great Eliminator we had last night, folks! Triage H and The Underwearer were the two contestants that were able to successfully scale the Travelator and make their way into Gladiator Arena history! Thanks for joining us folks! For my partner Emeril and me, I’m Mike Adamle, we hope you join us next season for more…AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Um…Mike?

Adamle: We’re still on air, Emeril! Wait until we fade to black!

Hatori: Yeah, about that. Wrestling season doesn’t end after we run the um…”Eliminator.”

Adamle: It doesn’t?

Hatori: Nope.

Adamle: Well when the hell does it end? I’ve been wearing this tie for two months now!

Hatori: Pretty much never. We exist forever in this constant vortex of suck. Well, until we get fired and wished well on our future endeavors.

Adamle: Geez…Nobody told me that when I signed up for this job!

Hatori: Just intro the next segment.

Adamle: And now, a former WWE Champion…er…he’s great. Awesome. Really. And a guy who I’m sure needs no introduction!

Shawn Michaels: Thanks, Mike! It is my honor to introduce the WWE’s next Hall of Famer. A Living Legend in his own right!

It’s Ric Flair! Doesn’t that mean he has to retire? Oh noes! You just ruined Wrestlemania for me, Shawn!

Shawn: If anybody needs me, I’m going to go bedazzle this vest.


Remember the Slammy Awards? Well WWE is going to be running an old clip show about them to coincide with the Oscars. Of course it would’ve made more sense to do it with the Grammys, but the Ghost of Owen Hart wasn’t en vogue during Grammy Season.

Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill) vs. Super Crazy

We get Picture-In-Picture of Paul and Katie making skeevy comments about how people are hitting on Katie backstage. Fifty bucks says it’s Matt Hardy and Edge. Just a hunch. Probably Kane, too. Katie looks like she could use a little more Kane. That’d clear her incest right up. That and a dose of penicillin. Wait…Maybe more Kane is the cure for gout. I don’t know. I missed that episode of House. It was the one where he started off all cranky, but then got emotionally invested in the patient’s life, and had some random epiphany and cured them by bringing in special guest star Glen Jacobs. Wait…was that one about Lupus? It doesn’t matter. Burchill wins.

Well, if it isn’t The Big Show! He’s backstage talking to Shane McMahon about how crappy he was at boxing.



Randy Orton: If it isn’t my breast fiend in the whole wide girl, Triopoly H! Rementor our days back in Electrocution?

Triple H: I’m happy to say that, after years of therapy, I’ve blocked that entire experience out of my mind. Thanks.

Orton: What about when we used toe jam to the hits of Sarah McMahon or play with your cat Norbit?

HHH: While I remember Sarah McLaughlin and Nibblins as clearly as if they were both at home right now watching my daughter-

In Greenwich, Connecticut….

Sarah McLaughlin: Hello, I’m recording artist Sarah McLaughlin. Child abandonment is a serious issue that affects dozens of babies like…uh…little…whatever her name is here. Do what’s right for your baby. Don’t kidnap 90s pop singers and expect them to watch your children.

Nibblins: Meow!

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: What are you doing in my house?!

Sarah McLaughlin: Whoops! Gotta run!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

At the arena….

HHH: -I don’t remember anything about a stable of four wrestlers, including you. I don’t remember you beating some midget for the title, and I certainly never remember you beating me.

Orton: What a retieff! Me neither!

In the ring….

Big Show: Hi guys. It’s me. Remember? I’m not as fat as I used to be, so it’s going to take some time to get adjusted to that, I know. Anyway, I left to go try boxing out, but that didn’t work so hot, so now I’m back here in WWE. And my first night back, what happens? Some random dude hits me in the nose. That hurt! Seriously! Not cool. And what’s with this anyway? The last time I have a big match at Wrestlemania, I have to do Sumo with some Sumo dude, and now I’ve got to box with some boxing dude? Laaaaaame!

Floyd Mayweather has his own Posse and Titantron already. He’s also got his own theme music, which might be Donald Trump’s from last year. What do I care?

Floyd Mayweather: What’s with challenging me? Don’t you know who I am?

Show: Honestly? No. But you’re about two feet tall and even after I’ve lost all this weight, you still weigh about as much as my left nad. Which makes it even more sad that you’re totally going to beat me at Wrestlemania.

Mayweather: I’m 196-0! I’m a boxing Icon! I’m the toughest man in the world!

Not Don King: The attitude of his prestigitude is greater than the longitude of your latitudes! You have my gratitude for listening to my platitudes!

Show: Oh, man, I bet Meltzer’s going to love this. Look, I’m sorry you broke my nose. Now are you in or out for Wrestlemania?

Mayweather: Oh, it’s on! But I don’t know how you expect to defeat me without your own posse!

Show: Oh, the former son of Andre has a posse!

And scene! Ok, which one of these guys is the face? The one who has thirty other guys backing him up, right? MmmmKay!


Ken Kennedy vs. Val Venis
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Oh, come on! They’re not even trying! Val was even “already in the ring.” Just tell us who’s in the match. Kennedy, it should be noted, also has horrible, horrible new theme music. His old music sounded like a rejected Billy Gunn theme, which isn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. This, however, sounds like a rejected New Jeff Hardy theme, which is about a trillion times worse. James Johnston should be ashamed of himself. KENNEDY! Anyway, Ken wins no problem, as it suddenly dawns on the announcers that maybe every Money in the Bank winner didn’t actually go on to win the World Title. Because…you know…he didn’t.


Vince McMahon (w/ John Bradshaw Leyfield) vs. Hornswoggle (w/ Dave Finlay)
In a Steel Cage match

Oh, man, if there were ever an excuse to go back to the old blue bars and let Hornswoggle slip through them to escape, this is it. I don’t think he’s getting through the chain links though. Maybe if he sucked in? Speaking of sucking (in), JBL is out here and I think, in Hornswoggle, he’s finally found his perfect feud. A guy who’s in even worse physical condition to have a marquee match at Wrestlemania. Finlay gets handcuffed to the ropes, and Vince leaves the cage for the win. Well, that was…thrilling? JBL then demonstrates about 150 ways to chuck a midget into a steel cage, which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds. Maybe if Doink was doing it? Anyway, yeah. So JBL just chucks Hornswoggle into the cage while Finlay cries (?!), and Vince looks vaguely like he feels guilty for this. Remember when JBL used to love Hornswoggle over on Smackdown? And couldn’t Vince spring to get Farooq out of rehab long enough to hire the whole APA? I mean…Amy Winehouse did it! Oh, and remember when Chris Jericho and JBL hated each other? All these questions and many more will be answered…um…never. Sorry.


Santino and Maria are out.

Santino Marella: Midgets aren’t-a they hilarious-a? So I-a finally get-a last week’s-a Playboy, and-a what do I-a find in there-a? Maria is-a posing in-a next month’s-a issue!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Yeah! I totally shot all those pictures, like, three months before this angle even started!

Marella: But-a I have-a here in my-a hand a contract-a from Hugh-a Heffner that-a says that-a unless you-a beat his lawyer-a Beth Phoenix-a, they will-a not publish next-a month’s magazine-a!

Maria: That’s fool talk! Even I wouldn’t have come up with that. I’m going to make him a million dollars! Maybe less!

Marella: It’s-a wrestling! We make-a things up all-a the time-a! Yay-a!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Carbbean Cool Marella) (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Beth Phoenix
If Maria Wins She Gets to Pose for Playboy, Like Three Months Ago

Man, don’t you love it when the results of a match are in doubt! Seriously, this has been the longest edition of Internet Heat ever. Maria is wrestling in her street clothes because she didn’t expect to wrestle, however they’re somehow more appropriate for wrestling than her normal ring gear. Beth, hilariously, acts like she’s going to win. Anyway, the finish comes when Boobsie McTitsalot walks to the ring and shows Beth her boobs. Maria wins! We all get to see her boobs! Nobody is happier about that than Boobsie. Nobody’s angrier about that than Santino. Nobody could care less about that than Maria, apparently.

Backstage, Triple H is getting dressed. Well…It’s about time!


Randy Orton vs. John Cena
Special Guest Referee Triple H and If John Cena Wins He’s GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Hunter looks like he’s thrilled to be there. Thanks for coming out tonight, Hunter! Actually, he’s one of the guys who actually looks cooler in a referee’s uniform. Like WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Orton goes to work on locking in a CHINLOCK~! The crowd is impressive in its ability to boo everyone involved except HHH equally. Cena jumps onto the announce table for no reason. Have you seen his new T-Shirt yet? A winner is it! Seriously though…Good marketing, y’all.


Cena tries to grab Orton in an FU, but Randy won’t let him. Cena proceeds to lock in the STFU. Ok, I’ll admit it. I don’t really have any problems with this as a move, or even as a finisher. But in this particular case? He’s just laying on Orton’s back and giving him a hug. I mean…it’s cute and all, but laaaaaame. Orton, somehow, manages to avoid tapping out to this awesome rest hold. HHH and Cena argue for a bit about whether or not that last three minutes was even effective, but when Orton comes to join the discussion, he gets hit with an FU. Cena wins! JOHN CENA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Umm…AGAIN! After the match, HHH nails the PEDIGREE TO CENA! And then the PEDIGREE TO ORTON! Hell yeah! Screw all of you guys!

Next Week: Big Show goes to the hospital to challenge Hornswoggle to a boxing match. Ric Flair’s manboobs are enshrined on a Hall of Fame plaque. And Eminem debuts in WWE!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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