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RAW SATIRE    
Situation: Normal... HONEST~! 

May 28, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: William Regal was torn asunder by a well meaning populace. The lovely dueling meadow got a fresh coating of blood. And Triple H hatched a plan that would make him King of the Realm. Who will be King of the Realm…TONIGHT?!
 
You know what works awesome as a tribute to the troops? Making fun of people who watch wrestling.

(Opening Credits)

Vince McMahon: I want to assure you that everything is back to normal. We’re all fine here, everything is perfectly fine. It’s all back to normal. No more... magic

couches. Or really long one act plays. Or…You know what, why am I even telling you any of this? My telling you of this is directly in violation of the idea that this is all situation normal.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: You’ve broken the fourth wall for sure.

Vince: Regal totally deserved getting torn apart by those horses, though.

Voice of Taker: Uh…yeah. Totally.

Todd Grisham: No, something still isn’t right! Get rid of the time traveling couch, the Shakespearean tragedy, the dapper penguin-

Somewhat Officious Looking Penguin: Ahem!

Grisham: See? Something still feels off. I don’t like this one bit, gentlemen.

Vince: Just shut up and do your segment on this totally right thinking wrestling show, would you?

Grisham: There’s something going on here, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it!

Todd Grisham jumps down a bottomless pit.

Vince: See? Perfectly normal.

Officious Penguin: Indubitably.

Triple H: So, wait a minute. Did we do it? Is this the present?

Randy Orton: It would steam soap.

HHH: Well, that’s honestly kind of a let down isn’t it? Well, now at least there will be nothing to stop me from beating you down. There’s no couch cushions or throw pillows to hide behind this time, Orton.

Orton: Hunger, it has comed to my attrition, that you don’t not respectorate my many accomplices. Like being the youngerest man ever to hole the WWO Harpyweight Chocolate Chip. Or that I, Ranky Q. Morgan, am a citrusfied Legend Kill Guy!

HHH: Those aren’t accomplishments, they’re more like…Things you happen to have done.

Orton: Forth or more, I drink you are a fridge of me. That’s why you had me in Electrician, that’s why you amways sic Shane McMahon after me, that’s why you changered my them song from “HEY!” to “Hey, What’s This Crap?”, that’s-

HHH: Shut up and get drafted to Smackdown, will you?

Orton: I WILL NEVER READ TIRES! WOOOOOOOMB!

(ads)

Jillian Hall vs. Melina

Well, this seems all nice and normal doesn’t it? Beth Phoenix is even out on commentary, which is a perfectly normal thing to be happening right now. During this match. Between Melina and Jillian Hall. Jillian gives her take on “No Chance in Hell” which somehow manages to be better than both the rap and hard rock versions of this song they’ve had on previous CDs. Anyway, Melina does some kind of triple reverse octopus hold (I just made that sound 100x cooler than it actually was) for the win. Beth Phoenix? Not impressed. OBJECTION!

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: There is absolutely nothing odd about you agreeing to do a backstage segment with me.

Vince McMahon: That is entirely true. I’m always doing segments with my favorite wrestler Chris Jericho!

Jericho: Vince, I want to wrestle Shawn Michaels tonight.

Vince: Anything for you!

Jericho: And I want to sing your theme song as if it were a Broadway show tune.

Vince: Don’t push your luck.

Jericho: Damn. I really did want to do that, honestly. It would be bad ass.

Shad Gaspard: Hey, guys. We’re here to loot this office in case the world turns all topsy turvy again. You can never have too many…uh…post it notes?

JTG: I found a picture of some old lady!

Shad: Hell yeah! Let’s get out of here!

Vince: Was that an old Torrie Wilson poster?

(ads)

Cryme Tyme is selling all of Vince’s office supplies in the crowd.

Ron Simmons: Is that an old Torrie Wilson poster? Huh.

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Nothing odd happening here. Unless you count the fact that neither of these tag teams has a goddamn tag team name. Wait, did London and Kendrick ever actually turn heel? Was that during that month I mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Internet? Or maybe now they’ve just run out of tag teams. Everybody trades drop kicks for a bout twenty minutes, much to the delight of the crowd, because there’s nothing a crowd loves more than tons of dropkicks. Finally, Holly gets sick of this noise and spikes London’s head into the mat. But wait! A New Challenger Emerges!

The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase: My presence here is not completely inexplicable! You see, during that month and a half when everybody disappeared, I turned my son into the world’s greatest tag team wrestler. Now, here he is…without a tag team partner!

The Thousandaire Ted Dibiase Jr.: I’ve got nothing, yet. Sorry. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(ads)

Rowdy Roddy Piper is in a secret bunker training an extra from America’s Fifth Most Loved Network Late Night Talk Show how to wrestle in what will, undoubtedly, be the main event of the next PPV or whatever. Nothing…um…odd here. No, sir! Completely normal!

Cousin Sal: Thanks for training me on how to get punched, Mr. Piper.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: You’re going to get the sickness, kid! It’s going to take over your life, and your family, and by the end of this thing you’re going to wish I killed you right now!

Jimmy Kimmel: This isn’t really hurting my popularity, is it? I can’t really afford to fall behind Carson.

Piper: Too bad you couldn’t ride that Matt Damon thing longer!

Kimmel: Yeah. *sniff*

Then Piper punches them both in the balls. Meanwhile….

Alexis Laree: Nitro Parties, Vince. Let’s party like it’s 1999! Literally! Look, we’ll have fans write in saying how much they and their friends love to flip back and forth between the last half hour of American Gladiator and RAW, and we’ll send cameras and some bored, disappointing Diva out there to party with them for thirty seconds and then leave. Imagine the looks on their faces! “Oh…Cherry. That’s great.”

Vince McMahon: Get out of my office!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Hookers!

Vince: I’m listening….

JBL: That’s all I’ve got. Sorry. I mean, I could say something about Ashley or something.

Vince: I’m afraid that ship has sailed.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy and John Cena vs. Totally Not Jamal and John Bradshaw Leyfield

Four guys who are all sort of in the main event, and all of whom have had some sort of issue with each other at one point or another. Hell, this is about as normal as it gets. We may just be back to ordinary after all! The only thing about this match that would throw me off at all is if JBL or Jeff managed to get suspended during the match, or if Not Jamal pulled off his mask and revealed that he’s actually been Jamal this whole time! That would freak me out. Mostly because he doesn’t wear a mask.

(ads)

Cena is a house afire when we come back, much to the dismay of Jeff Hardy. Seriously, though, dude, how do you have a volcano and not any insurance? Even Erin Esurance knows there’s something not right with your head. And her favorite summer movie was Speed Racer, so you know she’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Neither am I though. I have no idea what happened to that two of spades. I tried putting one of the Jokers back into the deck, but it kind of kills the flow when somebody’s always asking, “Wait, what card is the Joker, again?” So now I just don’t play cards. Also not playing cards? Everybody in this match. I have no idea where that analogy was going. Sorry. JBL sort of hits the Clothesline from Hell for the win.

(ads)

The Denver Broncos certainly aren’t a portent of doom! Neither is the RAW roster going to Mexico. I wonder if Super Crazy got to main event. He’s Mexicool!

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy

Isn’t Carlito in a tag team now? And what’s his beef with Kennedy? Carlito never seemed like much of a fervent Regal supporter. This match, I admit, is a bit unusual, but I’m still going to err on the side of normal here, and pretend this is a glitch in the Matrix or something. Anyway, Ken is apparently fascinated by his ability to grow facial hair, so he’s just decided to grow it wherever it feels like, which has given him a hell of a scruffy beard. It also looks really weird because dude isn’t a natural blonde. Carlito contemplates the significance of these facts, and gets hit with the Mic Check.

Katie Lea Burchill: Oi! What happened to all the Brits what used to be on this show!

Paul Burchill then runs out and beats up Kennedy. Well…that wasn’t very sporting. I guess “people from the same country as I am” makes as good as excuse as any for reasons to start a feud. Maybe Paul just really misses the days when William used to be his buxom wench?

Kennedy: SHOW!

(ads)

Backstage….

Trevor Murdoch: What if I sang your theme as a peppy mariachi jam?

Vince McMahon: What are you even doing here?

Murdoch: I need to borrow a stapler.

Vince: I think Cryme Tyme stole it.

Murdoch: Damn. These posters aren’t going to hang themselves!

Vince: What’ve you got there? Old Torrie Wilson posters?

Murdoch: No, sir. Here, take a look.

Vince: Lance Cade is a Doody Head.” I love how you bolded Lance’s name there.

Murdoch: Yes, sir. It was the first time he was mentioned on this show. This’ll show him exactly how I feel about how he’s treating me lately.

Vince: Nothing odd about that.

Murdoch: No, sir.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

Let’s see, Shawn is prancing, Jericho still can’t figure out if he really gives a crap, and the Intercontinental Title isn’t on the line because it’s beneath both of them. Yep, seems like a pretty normal match. Let’s get it on! Not…like…literally, though. We’re in Colorado here, not California. I don’t think Shawn or Chris would approve of us getting it on right now anyway, so let’s get back to the match. Two sweaty, oiled up guys hug for a while and then roll around on the ground. Eh…never mind. Let’s get it ooooooon!

(ads)

I got a bunch of lye on my hand earlier today and it hurts like hell. And before you ask, “No, I was not making meth. Nor was I using it to dispose of a body.” Geez. I don’t know where you people get your opinions of me from. I did manage to get some pretty awesome looking chemical burns though. I’m going to tell everybody that I’m a scientist or something. Including people who know I’m not actually a scientist. Anyway, Chris Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, but he does it outside the ring so both guys just end up getting counted out, leading to embarrassment for everybody! Well played!

Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around, which is…completely normal actually.

(ads)

Vince is in the ring. I wonder what he has to say! MAIN EVENT! The RAW Roster files out.

Vince McMahon: I’ve been talking to this rather officious looking penguin tonight, and I’ve decided to resplit the brands to make sure that all the best people wind up here on RAW. I’ve also decided to start paying people to watch the show. So starting ne-

Suddenly, a shot rings out. Vince McMahon has fallen.

J.R.: By GOD WHO SHOT VINCE MCMAHON?!

The Rather Officious Looking Penguin: I did it.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Kevin Nash: I’m Kaiser Soze.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Triple H: Paul, I hate to break it to you, but Darth Vader is your father.

Paul Burchill: NO! That’s not true! That’s IMPOSSIBLE!

HHH: There’s more. You have a sister.

Paul: Katie Lea! Katie Lea is my sister! Somehow, I’ve always known.

HHH: Even when you were making out?

Paul: Especially when we were making out.

HHH: Egh.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Randy Orton: Why doesn’t not anybody lung me?

Hornswoggle: Don’t you see, Randy? You’ve been dead this whole time!

Orton: Really? That explicates it! Thanks, Hornswoggle!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Mick Foley: I am also Mankind!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Foley: Oh, and Rosebud was my sled.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Scott Hall: Soylent Green is people!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Alexis Laree: Sorry, Duckie, I’m going to the prom with Blane.

Duck: Quack?

Alexis: Oh, and they’re canceling Internet Heat, so you’re probably fired.

Duck: Quaaaaaack.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Festus: ….

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Todd Grisham crawls up from the bottomless pit.

Todd Grisham: Everyone! I’ve decided to live!

Suddenly, Edge stabs him through the back.

John Cena: NOOO! Wait…Can’t I just use Phoenix Down?

Edge: Um…No.

Cena: Why not? I’ve got, like, 99 of them.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Because I said!

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Snape kills Dumbledore.

SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Triple H climbs over the rising pile of bodies and confused onlookers and out of the stadium. He crawls across the land to the…uh…Beach? In Colorado. Sure. Why not. There, rising out of the pond, he sees the Smackdown Fist.

Triple H: It was our universe all along! You Hulkamaniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to HELL!!! Wait. That doesn’t make any sense. At all. Why is the Smackdown fist in this pond, anyway?

Officious Penguin: An interesting question, Hunter. Perhaps we will find the answer next week. Perhaps never. Anyway, I’ve warmed up the couch. It’s time to go.

HHH: So this wasn’t the normal universe?!

Officious Penguin: Chris Jericho beating up Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon paying viewers to watch RAW? Please.

Next Week: Did J.R. Shoot Mr. McMahon?! Will the ducks be fired now that Internet Heat has gone the way of The Missing Link? And who will get the free house at this year’s In Your House?!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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